Author: Caroline Beidler

Posted on

What Is Trauma? 10 Expert Answers On The Internet’s Most Searched Trauma Questions

Trauma is more than war stories, it is the everyday ways overwhelming experiences change how safe we feel in our bodies and our lives. In this episode of Recoverable, licensed family therapist and EMDR specialist Laurel van der Toorn sits down with host Terry to tackle the internet’s most searched questions about trauma. This article covers the first five of the top ten, pulled straight from the conversation. We will publish the final five next week when part two of the interview drops.

1) What is trauma?

Trauma is what happened in you, not just what happened to you

Once upon a time we called it “shell shock,” and we thought it belonged mostly to combat veterans. Laurel explains how the field has widened since Vietnam, recognizing that trauma can follow both acute events and experiences that were not technically life threatening, yet deeply threatened your sense of safety, identity, or worldview.

Her working definition is simple and humane, “Trauma is anything that has a pronounced negative impact on your view of yourself or the world and produces symptoms that make life more difficult.” Two people can sit at the same table, hear the same words, and walk away with very different nervous system responses. Perception of threat, and how the brain stores the event, is what drives the aftermath.

A story from the episode makes it clear. An older brother repeatedly terrorized his younger siblings with a horror mask. One little boy, exhausted from constant fear, finally sat on the couch and said, “Do it, just kill me.” The intent was “just a joke,” the child’s reality was mortal terror. The takeaway, your body’s lived experience is the truth that matters for healing.

2) How do I know if I have trauma?

Use the 30 day check and the window of tolerance

After something upsetting, a bumpy few weeks can be normal. Laurel offers a practical guide, in the first 30 days you might see disrupted sleep, appetite changes, edginess, or numbness while your system processes. If those symptoms continue past 30 days, or resurface later in a strong way, it points to a traumatic impact.

Laurel teaches the “window of tolerance,” the zone where you can think, feel, and act at the same time. Inside the window, you are calm but alert. Above it, you feel anxious, keyed up, hypervigilant. Below it, you feel numb, foggy, checked out. Trauma shrinks that window, so everyday bumps knock you out of it faster and longer.

Real life clues help, watch your sleep, appetite, mood swings, and relationship patterns. Do you react to small stressors like a five alarm fire, or go blank when you need to speak? Do you distrust people who are consistently trustworthy? These are signs your body might be protecting you based on past danger, not present reality. Curiosity is step one, not judgment. As Laurel says, “All behavior makes sense in context.”

3) Can childhood trauma affect you as an adult?

Absolutely, and it often shows up first in love and feedback

“Fish do not notice the water,” Laurel says. If you grew up in chaos, chaos feels normal. Childhood experiences shape attachment styles, the patterns we bring to adult relationships. Secure attachment often comes from good enough, not perfect, caregiving. Anxious or avoidant patterns can follow misattunement, unpredictability, or unsafe dynamics. Disorganized attachment is more likely when trauma was severe.

You can hear childhood echoes in adult life. Feeling attacked by simple feedback. Bracing for the other shoe to drop in a healthy relationship. Checking out emotionally when closeness increases. You may even pick jobs that mirror early stress, emergency rooms and courtrooms are full of people who can function in a crisis because crisis once felt like home. Laurel’s goal is not to take away that superpower, it is to help you settle when the shift ends so home does not feel like a crisis too.

Comforting note for parents, “Perfect is the enemy of good.” You do not need 100 percent attunement to support secure attachment. Often, a consistent, good enough response the majority of the time is what matters most.

4) Can trauma be healed?

Yes, healing changes your relationship to the memory, not your identity

Laurel is clear, “Absolutely, I do it every day.” Healing is not forgetting, and it is not erasing the sharpness and empathy you gained by surviving hard things. Think of the trauma memory like a file your brain pinned to the desktop with an alarm. Good trauma therapy moves that file into long term storage where it belongs. You can still open it, but it no longer blares.

People often report a shift from an eight out of ten level of distress when recalling the event to near zero. They say, “It is blurrier now,” or “I feel far away from it,” while staying present and calm. That is healing. You keep the wisdom, you lose the constant survival mode.

Set realistic expectations. Single incident shocks and phobias sometimes shift quickly, especially when you are well resourced. Complex trauma, the layered kind, usually takes longer. Insurance might imagine twelve sessions, but lasting change for complicated histories often needs more time. You can still expect benefit along the way, especially when the approach is evidence based and the therapeutic relationship is strong.

5) What does it mean that trauma lives in the body?

When your mind knows you are safe but your body says danger, that split is the work

“Your body is doing its job, it is just doing too good a job,” Laurel says. Trauma memories are stored as if they were vital for daily survival. A sound, tone of voice, or smell can yank the body into fight, flight, or freeze even when the thinking brain knows, “I am on my couch.” That mismatch, logic versus physiology, is the hallmark of unprocessed trauma.

Laurel draws a useful line between discomfort and triggers. A trigger is not anything you dislike. A trigger is the cue that pulls you out of your window of tolerance. Clues include a racing heart, shallow breathing, a tight throat, a voice that goes high, sudden aches, or shutting down. Track core body functions, sleep, appetite, and movement. Notice patterns without shaming yourself. Those patterns are your map back to safety.

Before you scroll away, try Laurel’s quick body tool. Calm Place: picture a real or imagined safe spot, beach, grandma’s kitchen, even Hogwarts if that soothes you. Notice the light and sounds. Lightly butterfly tap, alternating shoulders once or twice per second. Stay with any small shift toward ease. If nothing shifts, stay curious. You can even tap on your thighs under a table in a meeting, quiet regulation you can use anywhere.

What therapies help with trauma, and how does EMDR work?

Resourcing first, then reprocessing with an evidence based roadmap

The conversation highlights EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, and why Laurel loves it. EMDR is an eight phase model. Early sessions focus on history and preparation, building coping tools so you can tolerate intensity safely. Reprocessing uses bilateral stimulation, eye movements, alternating taps, or tones, to help the brain store stuck memories differently. Over time, disturbance drops and the body stops acting like the event is happening now.

Other evidence based options include somatic therapies, trauma focused CBT, and parts work like internal family systems. The best therapy is the one that fits you, with a therapist you feel connected to. Research consistently shows the therapeutic relationship is a major driver of outcomes. One practical tip from Laurel, “Do not work with an EMDR therapist who skips preparation. Resourcing is what lets you process safely.”

6. What’s the Consequence of the Disconnect Between Mind and Body?

Laurel explains that trauma often creates a split between what we know and what we feel.
You might logically know you’re safe — sitting at home, talking on a laptop — yet your body insists you’re still in danger. “That’s extremely common with trauma,” Laurel says. “You rationally know you’re okay, but there’s this overwhelming sense from your body that you’re not.”

The consequences ripple through daily life: constant tension, poor sleep, relationship strain, and anxiety that seems to come out of nowhere. Many people end up “white-knuckling” through their days, functioning but never truly feeling safe. Healing means closing that gap — helping the body catch up to the mind.

7. How Can People-Pleasing Be a Trauma Response?

When Laurel says people-pleasing is common in complex trauma, she’s not talking about politeness — she’s talking about survival.
“As kids, we may have had to make sure Dad was okay, because if he wasn’t, none of us were,” she explains. “That behavior made sense in context.”

Over time, those same peacekeeping instincts can become exhausting. Adults who were once the emotional caretakers of their households might continue to sacrifice their own needs to keep the peace. It’s not weakness; it’s conditioning. And while the behavior may once have protected them, it now prevents genuine connection.

The good news? Awareness is the first step toward change. As Laurel reminds, “You get to keep the good parts of you — but you can relax and enjoy your life more.”

8. Why Do We Repeat Familiar Patterns — Even When They Hurt Us?

One of the most relatable moments in the conversation comes when Laurel describes how familiarity can feel like attraction. “Sometimes people meet someone and think, ‘They feel familiar.’ And that’s not always a good thing,” she says.

Often, our brains seek to “close the loop” from childhood — unconsciously choosing partners who resemble the people who once hurt or neglected us, hoping for a different outcome. Laurel calls this “the loop getting worse.”

The antidote? Seek corrective emotional experiences.
When a relationship feels unfamiliar — calm, kind, even a little boring — that might be what safety actually feels like. “If you’re not immediately drawn to it, that might be a good sign,” she laughs. “Safety can feel boring at first.”

9. Does Trauma Actually Change the Brain?

“Yes — with an asterisk,” Laurel says with a smile. “Trauma changes your brain, but it can be changed back.”

Trauma rewires the brain to stay alert to danger, even when none exists. But the same neuroplasticity that helped us survive also makes healing possible. Through therapy and intentional new behaviors, we can literally reprogram those pathways.

Laurel celebrates small victories: a client asserting a boundary, saying “that bothered me,” and realizing the world doesn’t collapse. “There’s no bigger celebration in my office,” she says. “The brain changes when we practice new behaviors and experience safety.”

Healing doesn’t erase the past — it integrates it. You keep the wisdom, but lose the fear.

How Does Understanding the Brain Reduce Shame?

Shame, Laurel says, is “a stumbling block to healing.” When people understand that their reactions are physiological — not moral failings — it replaces shame with compassion.

“I just try to shift it into curiosity,” she explains. “Let’s get curious: why did you do that?”
It’s not about blame, but understanding. “All behavior makes sense in context,” Laurel reminds. “You learned the only safe way to engage was this way. What if you tried it differently?”

That mindset — curiosity over condemnation — opens the door to change. “No one has ever been shamed into effective change,” she says. “Deep, lasting change comes from curiosity and self-compassion.”

10. How Do Therapists Treat Trauma?

For those wondering what trauma therapy actually looks like, Laurel describes it as “a healing relationship.”


“You should feel safe with your therapist,” she emphasizes. “We’re born into relationship, we’re wounded in relationship, and we’re healed in relationship.”There’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Techniques like EMDR, somatic work, or Internal Family Systems are simply tools — but trust is the foundation. If you’re exploring therapy, Laurel encourages you to ask questions: What will sessions look like? What’s the map of where we’re going?
Your therapist should be able to explain it clearly, without jargon or mystery.

Conclusion: Healing Is Possible — and Likely

As the conversation wraps up, Laurel leaves listeners with a powerful truth: “We’re all doing the best we can — and we can do better.”
Healing isn’t about perfection. It’s about safety, connection, and hope — even if someone else has to hold that hope for you for a while.

“I often tell clients, ‘You may not believe yet that life can be good, but I’ll hold that belief for you,’” she says. “Hope feels threatening when you’ve been in survival mode — but that’s exactly when you need it most.”

Posted on

Brittany Jade: 9 Hard-Won Lessons from Addiction, Motherhood, and Starting Over

If you have ever wondered what it takes to rebuild a life from the rubble of addiction, custody battles, and public scrutiny, you will want to hear from Brittany Jade. The Recoverycast guest and viral creator does not sugarcoat anything, she talks about blackouts and blood draws, courtrooms and character witnesses, relapse and grace. She also talks about what comes next, the steady daily work of staying sober, parenting with honesty, and making amends in action, not words.

Below are nine of the most powerful, practical lessons from Brittany’s story, shared for anyone navigating sobriety, supporting a loved one, or simply trying to be a little braver today.

1) Recovery is not a straight line, it is a daily choice

Brittany opens with the reminder many of us need, recovery has peaks and valleys. She celebrates more than five years sober, then immediately grounds it in reality, some days are still hard, the point is that you keep choosing. That frame matters because it takes shame off the table. When you expect ups and downs, you are more likely to call your sponsor, get to a meeting, or text a friend when a low hits, instead of hiding.

2) Postpartum is vulnerable, watch for the “managed” drink that snowballs

After welcoming twins, Brittany describes the slide that started as a “two drink max,” then crept to every other night, then every night. She tried swapping wine for spirits, but secrecy crept in, bottles hidden in cabinets and closets. For partners and friends, this is a red flag checklist, increasing frequency, rationalizing rules, hiding evidence. For new parents, it is permission to say out loud, postpartum is a high risk season, support and structure are not optional.

3) Court can be a cliff, not a wake-up call, so line up help before you fall

One of the rawest moments, Brittany walks into court hungover, alone, and unprepared. She thinks the old 50,50 custody will stand, the order says supervised visits only. The shock was so crushing that she walked out and decided to drink herself to death, until a friend intervened and said, what are you willing to do to get your kids back. If you are approaching legal proceedings, assume it is a cliff. Bring counsel, bring proof of meetings and tests, bring a support person, and have a treatment plan ready in writing.

4) When the window opens, jump, even if it looks impossible

A detox center agrees to take her without insurance, but there is a catch, $1,800 in cash the same day. Brittany literally had $1,850 in her account, withdrew it, grabbed two tall cans in a last hurrah, then walked into detox. On the hospital’s follow up call, she learns her blood alcohol content was 0.457, the nurse says, you should be dead. The window opened, and she jumped through it. If a bed opens or a scholarship appears, take it. Do not wait for a perfect plan, take the lifeline in reach.

5) Accountability beats punishment, build your own paper trail

Sobriety after detox was not magic. Brittany started testing herself, four to six breathalyzers a day with photo verification, plus weekly drug screens, all logged. No judge ordered this at first, she did it because she knew a judge might someday. That proactive trail later mattered in court, an attorney told her he had never seen someone do so much ahead of time. Lesson, do not wait for a mandate, document your recovery like your future depends on it, because it might.

6) Substitution is still relapse, and it can turn darker, fast

In early separation and loneliness, she started taking slivers of someone else’s Suboxone, telling herself it was fine because opiates were not her drug. Within weeks she was nodding out, then a restraining order, then a two-week disappearance that ended in an overdose, and daily heroin and meth use during that window of despair. It is a stark caution, switching substances is not harm reduction when it is secret, non-prescribed, and destructive, it is relapse.

7) Early sobriety can be medically dangerous, treat it like it is

At one low point, Brittany experienced acute psychosis, hearing convincing voices and music from ordinary sounds. Doctors believed it was day four alcohol withdrawal, and stabilizing medication resolved it. Her point is not to scare, it is to underscore the medical reality, if you have been drinking heavily, do not quit cold turkey alone. Get medically supervised detox to reduce the risks of seizures or psychosis, then step into ongoing care.

8) You can rebuild trust with consistent action, honesty, and living amends

There is a turning moment that sounds almost impossible on paper, after twentyeight days apart, the restraining order is dropped and Brittany regains legal custody, thanks to relentless documentation and a mother who moved across the country to help her establish stable housing. The rebuilding did not end there. With her oldest child, she focuses on showing up, telling the truth about addiction as an allergy, getting her therapy, and making living amends by staying sober today. Trust is not a speech, it is a pattern she is still making, day after day.

9) Build a sober life you actually want, not just a list of things you avoid

In year one, Brittany did at least one meeting a day and skipped events with alcohol. Over time, her program evolved, she finished the Twelve Steps in year five and now sponsors other women. She reshaped friendships so most close friends are in recovery, and she leans on faith and service. The big theme, make a life that supports sobriety, community, purpose, and structure, not just white knuckle avoidance.

Bonus Lesson, Support systems matter more than speeches

Brittany is candid about the pain of feeling punished rather than supported. In hindsight, she and her husband see how distrust and fear drove choices. Today, she is vocal about helping families learn how to support without enabling, finding meetings and therapists, and staying present. If you love someone who is struggling, be the person who drives to intake, not the person who only drives them to court.

Memorable moments you will not forget

  • “Your BAC was a 0.457, you should be dead.” That sentence, and the way Brittany said she walked into detox anyway, will stick with you the next time you think you have gone too far to turn around.
  • “Each day that I stay sober is a living amends to my kids.” Put that line on a sticky note. It reframes sobriety as an act of love, visible in calendars and carpools, not just chips.

Why this episode matters

This is not a tidy after-school special. It is messy, human, and hopeful. You will hear about a mom who lost almost everything, then did unglamorous, repeatable things, testing, logging, meetings, calls, therapy, amends, until life got bigger and steadier again. You will also hear about the pitfalls many of us minimize, managing drinking rules, swapping substances, walking into court alone, ignoring medical risk in withdrawal. And you will hear what helps, radical accountability, a plan before the panic, a support person who can physically get you where you need to be.

The bottom line

The biggest lesson from Brittany Jade is simple, you are not ruined by your worst day, you are rebuilt by your next one. If you are drinking more than you mean to, if you are hiding it, if you are scared by how much it takes to feel normal, tell someone today and make one accountable move, call a detox, text a friend to drive you, or order a breathalyzer and start a log. Your future self, your family, and your body will thank you.

Listen to the full episode, share this post with someone who needs a nudge, and take a minute to reflect, what is one small, concrete step you can do today that your tomorrow will recognize as courage.

Posted on

Alyson Stoner & Correy O’Neal: Healing Sibling Trauma with Somatic Therapy | Breaking the Cycle of Family Dysfunction

The journey to recovery from addiction, trauma, and mental health challenges is intensely personal, yet deeply interconnected with the dynamics of one’s family. For siblings Alyson Stoner and Correy O’Neal, growing up in the same dysfunctional and abusive home led to distinct, yet ultimately convergent, paths toward healing. Their candid conversation reveals how shared family trauma can manifest in unique struggles—from disordered eating and addiction to hyper-perfectionism and homelessness—and how the rediscovery of a trusted, body-centered approach to recovery became a cornerstone of their reconciliation.

The Individuality of Shared Trauma: Different Coping Mechanisms Emerge

The experience of growing up in a home marked by divorce, addiction, and daily abuse from their stepfather created a fundamental sense of division and fear for both siblings. However, their methods for coping with the traumatic environment diverged significantly, highlighting the intensely individual nature of a trauma response.

For Alyson, whose professional career began at age seven, the response was immersion in work. “Mine was to just work more,” they shared. This form of hyper-independence and reliance on external achievement served as an escape, sweeping them away from the daily fear and dysfunction at home. Conversely, Correy’s response was to escape physically and mentally, retreating to her room to create “her own little world” away from the danger downstairs. This isolation was compounded by a sense of loneliness despite having people in the house, a common experience in dysfunctional family systems.

The siblings revealed a heartbreaking truth: their in-home communication about the abuse was non-existent. Alyson recalled a “triangulation” orchestrated by the parents, where they would share negative information about the siblings to pit them against one another and change their view of Correy’s “behavior, as if there were problems that I should never try to repeat and create.” This manipulation drove a wedge between them. Correy, feeling a “justice oriented” impulse, was often more interactive with the abuse, attempting to intervene, yet they “never really talked about it.” This highlights how a highly dysfunctional home can isolate children, even those sharing the same bedroom walls, leading to individual survival strategies rather than mutual support.

The Abusive Cycle: Gaslighting and the Facade of Normalcy

The experience of abuse was made profoundly confusing by the classic cycle of abuse, which involved a daily pattern of violence followed by denial and a forced return to an illusion of a happy family. The stepfather would often “pretend that nothing happened or he denied everything,” leading to significant gaslighting and confusion.

Correy noted that this cycle eventually became “clockwork,” where the abuse happened nightly, but “the morning was like this forgot.” This forced return to normalcy, including being “forced to kiss him on the lips,” created a devastating facade that the children were compelled to maintain.

As Alyson shared, any outward affection from the abuser was met with a demand for reciprocation, “be punished if we don’t reciprocate,” further muddling the children’s understanding of love and safety. For a child, this confusing environment fails to “set up the best train of thought into how somebody else will be treating me in the future and how I’m allowed to respond to it,” leaving them without a model for healthy relationships or boundaries.

Explore trauma treatment options.

Disrupted Attachment and the False Narrative of a Biological Parent

Another deep source of trauma for both siblings was the manipulated relationship with their biological father following the move and divorce. Correy, as the oldest, felt lucky to have had “the most time with him” before the move, noting him as the “only person that I can reflect back on that was reliable.” However, the “rules in our California home” demanded they maintain a “facade of perfection” which included the expectation that they cut their father off. As a child, concerned about safety, Correy felt she had to comply, cutting off the one person she believed to be truly trustworthy.

Alyson, who was much younger, was presented with a “completely different narrative about who he was,” leading them to grow up “not trusting him at all” and perceiving him as someone who didn’t care enough to see them. This manipulative narrative around a loving parent is a severe form of psychological abuse that isolates children from a vital source of support.

Years later, Alyson’s adult decision to seek a “rounder picture” by getting their father’s input led to a tender moment when he showed them a “pile of news clippings and articles and different things that reminded him of my the personality he knew I had, at least as a little one.”

Correy also revealed a powerful, hidden memory: “My dad sent me a cell phone, so I had an Ohio cell phone number, and he said, if we ever need him to call.” This phone, a forbidden lifeline, was a “physical representation” of his attempt to provide a secure attachment despite being actively kept away, a testament to the powerful, protective bond he sought to maintain.

The Convergence of Adult Struggles: Addiction and Perfectionism as Trauma Responses

Despite growing up with distinct coping styles, both siblings’ young adult lives were marked by similar struggles: addiction, disordered eating, and hyper-perfectionism. They recognized that the chaotic and substance-filled environment of their childhood home had established a “paradigm around using something to feel a certain way or get a certain thing,” which was “pretty deeply embedded in the house.” They saw escapism modeled through “substance,” “yo yo dieting,” and the ubiquitous presence of “alcoholism” and “pills” as the only adult methods for “dealing with life.”

StruggleManifestationRooted in Trauma
Disordered EatingFocused on body image to meet external industry expectations (Alyson); used as a tool alongside substances (Correy).Modeled family use of food/exercise for feeling a certain way; seeking control in an uncontrollable environment.
Substance Abuse/AddictionUsed as a “fast solution” and a numbing tool (Correy); avoidance and escapism.Modeled adult use of substances for avoidance; seeking to cope with emotional pain.
Hyper-PerfectionismMaintaining a facade of “buttoned up and PR ready” at all times.Trained obedience to protect Alyson’s career and the family’s image; fear of negative outcomes.

The most significant barrier to seeking help was the rigid control over their image. Correy recounted a chilling moment of self-harming “as a hope to be seen and helped,” only to be told, “put long sleeves on.” This reinforced the absolute necessity of the exterior facade, actively shutting down any possibility of discussing struggle or need for support. This is a clear example of how a family can condition a child into a maladaptive response to trauma.

From Rock Bottom to Recovery: The Decision for Change

For both siblings, the decision to pursue recovery was not a single, courageous moment, but a desperate, gradual sequence of decisions made at rock bottom. Alyson described the severity of their situation as a “life or death decision,” where they finally realized they wouldn’t make it unless they did something different. Their path was one of “micro steps of just having a flash of insight, recognizing something needs to change, looking for a resource.”

Correy’s rock bottom involved a physical escape at age 17 after she experienced physical assault and attempts to get help from school counselors and CPS failed. Her “first step in wanting something different” was leaving, an event that culminated in all her clothes “in garbage bags on the front lawn.” This act of being forced out, followed by a period of homelessness—living in her car, afraid to be too far from her neighborhood—was a “crumbling.”

“I hit a rock bottom with an eating disorder. I hit a rock bottom with, um, a substance abuse addiction. I hit a rock bottom. Like with relational addictions,” Correy recalled. Her ultimate turning point was a realization: “If I have no joy, then what is all this for?” This profound question forced a significant change in both environment and behavior.

Hyper-Independence as a Survival Skill and Barrier to Support

The siblings’ shared experience of being treated like “adults” or being expected to “figure it out” created a profound sense of hyper-independence. Correy described herself as the “figure it out person” and “the oldest daughter,” a role she “had to be.”

When a child is relied upon—whether as an emotional support, a confidante, or the primary income earner—they are forced into a premature parental role. This creates a deep-seated inability to ask for help, a key symptom of a trauma-induced coping mechanism.

The absence of competent adult modeling meant they had to constantly “figure out, so what is healthy then? What is functional? What does healing look like?” They relied on searching Google and reading books rather than consulting a human, demonstrating the lasting distrust in the reliability of other people. The “concept of my friends wanting to go to a relative for advice was not something that I could relate to,” Alyson admitted, underscoring the lack of a reliable, guiding “manual” in their lives.

The Healing Bridge: Somatic Psychotherapy and the Body’s Truth

The final, beautiful convergence of their recovery paths was through somatic-focused, body-centered tools. Alyson started exploring these tools to address health issues and physical symptoms that standard mental health approaches weren’t alleviating. They noted that their body actually did remember their father to be trustworthy, even when their mind, clouded by the false narrative, did not.

Somatic psychotherapy focuses on the mind-body connection, helping individuals process and release trauma stored in the body by tuning into physical sensations. The body, the nervous system, and not just the mind, hold the imprints of trauma. By reconnecting with their physical selves and processing the physiological responses linked to traumatic experiences, they found a path to healing the root cause of their anxiety, hypervigilance, and emotional numbness. This shared, body-centered healing language became the “shared experience” that allowed them to finally tiptoe their way back into communication and reconcile, realizing they had been healing in parallel.

The Systemic Nature of Recovery: Healing the Family Unit

The siblings’ story is a powerful illustration of the systemic nature of addiction and trauma recovery. When one person in a family unit struggles, it affects everyone, and similarly, true healing for one often requires a systemic shift that influences others.

  • Individual Recovery: Alyson and Correy had to first prioritize their individual safety, separation, and mental health through their own “rock bottoms” and years of therapy.
  • Systemic Repair: Their shared language of somatic healing acted as a “bridge” over the years of triangulation and isolation, allowing them to finally validate each other’s distinct traumatic experiences and begin to heal the fractured sibling relationship.
  • Post-Traumatic Growth: The engagement of all family members in recovery is crucial for long-term psychosocial stability. Their reconnection represents a vital step in this systemic repair, where the individuals who were isolated by the trauma are now unified by their journey through it, becoming sources of strength for one another.

Alyson and Correy’s journey from isolated survival to shared recovery offers a profound message of hope: even when two people live through the same trauma, the path to healing will look different, but it is possible for those paths to converge in a powerful and redemptive way.

Breaking the Cycle: The Role of Service and New Parenthood

Correy, now a parent, spoke movingly about how having her own children has become a form of “therapy,” allowing her to reparent herself and give “so much more grace to my younger self.” She and Alyson also found a shared mission in service as co-founders of Movement Genius, leveraging their lived experience to build global campaigns centered on human well-being. This pivot to service is a form of post-traumatic growth, transforming their pain into purpose and building the support they never had for others.

Their decision to share their story publicly, together for the first time, not only validates their experiences but offers a crucial resource for others. It emphasizes that individual recovery is valid, even if it looks messy, and that the ultimate goal is not perfection, but a genuine, joyous life forged from the ashes of trauma.

Posted on

Overdose & Addiction Grief: Adriana Sansam’s Insights on Coping with Loss, Shame, and Stigma

Addiction is often portrayed in media as a visibly destructive force, leading to immediate chaos and collapse. But for countless individuals and families, the reality is far more subtle, insidious, and heartbreaking. The life of a “high-functioning addict” can exist in a parallel world: one where they successfully run a business, raise a family, and maintain sobriety for years, all while wrestling in private with a relentless, life-threatening disease.

This devastating duality is at the core of the story shared by Adriana Sansam on the Recoverycast podcast. In 2023, she lost her 30-year-old husband, Eric, a devoted father and business owner, to an accidental overdose. Her journey through love, addiction, resilience, and agonizing grief reveals the urgent need to dismantle the stigma surrounding substance use disorder and to understand the immense pressure and isolation felt by both the person struggling and their closest loved ones.

1. The Love Story and the Unexpected Revelation

The beginning of Adriana and Eric’s relationship was a whirlwind of connection and certainty. They met as neighbors, and for Adriana, the attraction and sense of future were immediate. “We just knew,” she said. “When you know, you know.” Their life together moved fast, anchored by a deep mutual affection.

However, the foundation of their relationship was built before Adriana fully understood the hidden chapters of Eric’s past. As she recounted, her initial exposure to hard drugs and addiction was minimal, leading to a naive, movie-like perception of what an “addict” looked like. This perception was shattered one day while innocently rummaging through a desk with Eric.

The discovery of a needle in an old instrument case prompted a serious discussion that would forever change her life. Eric confessed: he was a recovering heroin addict. Adriana’s first reaction was to laugh—she genuinely thought he was joking, as it seemed so incongruous with the man she knew. Eric, however, was serious, explaining he had been in recovery for a year or two. He had already completed treatment and was sober, making the reality feel distant and manageable at first.

The early years of their relationship, while happy, were also a period of “white-knuckling sobriety” for Eric. He continued to drink heavily, a factor Adriana later realized was a significant, unaddressed trigger. For a recovering addict, alcohol can lower inhibitions and judgment, making the decision to use the original drug of choice feel less consequential. A powerful moment highlighted this danger: after a night of heavy drinking, Eric once turned to her and said, “I’m craving. I need to go home because I’m craving drugs. And don’t let me leave.” This was a terrifying first look at the relentless struggle beneath the surface of his successful facade.

See heroin treatment centers.

2. The Internal Demons Driving the Disease

To truly understand Eric’s addiction, one must look into the deep-seated pain and trauma that fueled his struggle. Addiction is rarely about a simple lack of willpower; it’s often a complex response to unresolved psychological and emotional distress. As Adriana explains, Eric was a loving, empathetic person who felt things deeply—a common trait among those who grapple with internal demons.

Eric’s childhood was marked by immense loss and harmful influences. His father died the day before his fifth birthday, leaving a gaping wound. Compounding this, he endured a troubled relationship with a stepfather who was also an addict and who, tragically, introduced Eric to substance use. This environment of early trauma and exposure set a dangerous stage for his future.

The four and a half years of initial sobriety were a testament to Eric’s strength, but the underlying issues were never fully silenced. The relapse came in 2020, during the unique stress landscape of the COVID-19 pandemic. This period brought a convergence of stressors that can be exacerbating factors for addiction, including:

  • Financial Pressure: Eric owned and operated a moving company, which was severely impacted by COVID-related lockdowns and restrictions. He felt the intense pressure of being the sole provider for his growing family.
  • Mental Health Struggles: The pandemic was a global mental health crisis. For Eric, the isolation, uncertainty, and disruption to routines were a perfect storm.
  • Family Stress: Adriana was battling severe postpartum depression following the birth of their first daughter and was pregnant with their second child. This stress, while shared, weighed heavily on Eric, contributing to his feelings of inadequacy and failure.

This perfect storm culminated in Eric’s relapse while Adriana was away. The disease, which had been dormant, reasserted its presence, preying on his mental and emotional vulnerabilities.

3. Recognizing the Mask: Signs of a High-Functioning Addict

When Adriana returned from her trip, she noticed subtle differences in Eric’s behavior, though she didn’t connect them to drug use initially. The relapse of a high-functioning addict is often not signaled by a sudden dramatic breakdown, but by small, almost imperceptible shifts. Eventually, Adriana discovered heroin in his car—a devastating find that Eric initially tried to deny, but confessed to upon seeing her attempt to dispose of it.

For loved ones of high-functioning individuals, recognizing the signs can be incredibly difficult because the core responsibilities of life are still being met. Eric successfully hid his addiction from even his closest family members, including Adriana’s parents, whom he lived with for a year and a half.

Tell-Tale Signs of Hidden Addiction:

  • Excessive Time Away from Home: Eric’s work trips became longer, and he invented reasons to be out for extended periods. This distance provided an opportunity to use away from his family.
  • Increased Frequency of Normal Trips: Eric became “a gas station guy,” multiplying his short trips out. Adriana later realized this was a cover for when he would go get high.
  • Sudden “Sweetness” or Over-Compensation: Eric began offering to go out and get Adriana her favorite coffee, a gesture that seemed loving but was actually a mechanism to get her to let him leave the house. “I didn’t catch on until later is, oh, you wanna get me a coffee so you can go get high?”
  • Emotional Withdrawal and Embarrassment: He would isolate himself while using, often going to work to get high. As Adriana noted, this was out of embarrassment—an attempt to shield his family from witnessing his struggle.

This ability to manage a business and maintain the facade of a “really good husband, really good father” is what makes high-functioning addiction so frighteningly dangerous. It allows the disease to progress out of sight until it’s too late.

4. The Unconventional Path to Support: ‘I’m Not Against You’

When faced with Eric’s relapse, Adriana’s initial reaction was pain and confusion: “Why are you doing this to me? Why do you hate me?” This mindset is common for partners, stemming from the deeply ingrained belief that love should be enough to overcome the addiction.

However, as she researched and talked openly with Eric, her perspective shifted from one of personal offense to one of team-based support. Eric played a crucial role in this transition, helping her understand that his actions were not a malicious choice against her, but a symptom of his disease.

The shift in their approach was profound:

  • Disappointment vs. Abandonment: Adriana learned to separate her disappointment in the relapse from her commitment to Eric. She was honest about her anger but firm in her stance: “I am on your team.”
  • The Power of Staying: Eric often told Adriana to leave him, believing she deserved better, but she consistently refused. Her unwavering presence became a lifeline. Addiction often pushes people away out of shame and a desire to protect loved ones from the inevitable pain. Her refusal to be pushed away countered his deep-seated trauma.
  • The Desire for Help: Unlike many who fight the idea of sobriety, Eric always wanted to be clean. He would often call Adriana in distress immediately after using, begging her to come home and throw away his stash for him because he lacked the willpower to do it himself. This shows the addict’s true desire fighting against the compulsion of the disease.

Adriana’s “crazy” actions—the constant checking, location sharing, and accountability—were born out of love and fear, not malice. They were a form of survival. Eric himself later validated her vigilance: “If you weren’t as crazy as you were, I would’ve been dead a very long time ago.”

This validation was essential, highlighting that for a high-functioning addict, extreme accountability from a loved one can sometimes be the only thing keeping them tethered to life.

5. The Isolation of Shame and Stigma

Perhaps the most tragic aspect of their journey was the profound isolation Adriana endured. For years, she kept Eric’s addiction a complete secret from her family, friends, and community. This silence was driven by Eric’s fear of judgment and the pervasive stigma attached to substance use disorder.

This wall of secrecy forced Adriana into “survival mode,” making her feel like a “crazy wife” to the outside world because they couldn’t see the real threat she was fighting. The emotional burden of monitoring, fearing, and keeping silent while living with two small children took a severe toll on her mental health.

The silence broke devastatingly on the day Eric died. In her frantic call to the hotel, yelling that her husband was an addict and needed help, her parents finally heard the truth. This moment underscores a horrifying reality: stigma kills. The fear of being judged prevented Eric from seeking consistent, community-based support, and it prevented Adriana from accessing her own support network, such as Al-Anon, which provides crucial resources for the family members of addicts.

6. The Inevitable Tragedy and the Ongoing Fight Against Stigma

Eric’s death occurred on a work trip in March 2023. Though he was not in a period of active, sustained addiction at the time—Adriana had been drug-testing him and could tell by his behavior—the nature of his death pointed back to the disease. For Eric, the work trips were a time away from accountability, and tragically, a moment of isolation was a moment of vulnerability.

His death revealed a further layer of societal judgment. When Adriana shares how her husband died, she is often met with instant judgment from those who view addiction through the narrow, stereotyped lens of popular culture. They cannot reconcile the image of a loving father and successful businessman with an accidental overdose.

This experience highlights the critical need to view addiction as a chronic disease, not a moral failing. The countless thousands of accidental overdoses are not happening to “nobodies”—they are happening to people like Eric: neighbors, fathers, business owners, and loving partners. This is why conversations like Adriana’s are vital. They humanize the disease and fight the pervasive stigma that keeps people silent and isolated, often with fatal consequences.

7. Finding Hope and Voice: Moving Just for Today

Adriana’s resilience in the face of this incomprehensible loss is a testament to her strength. She now channels her experience into her podcast, Just for Today, a phrase she found in Eric’s recovery journal. It is a philosophy that embraces the idea of coping with the immense weight of grief and the past by focusing only on the present moment.

For those struggling with addiction or supporting a loved one, Adriana’s story offers crucial lessons:

  • Acknowledge the Disease: Recognize that addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease, not a lack of love or moral character. This shift in perspective is the first step toward effective support and reducing your own feelings of disappointment or guilt.
  • Seek Your Own Support: Family and friends need support just as much as the person using. Organizations like Al-Anon or individual therapy can help loved ones process their grief, fear, and anger. Resources for families can be found at Recovery.com’s resource center.
  • Embrace Accountability (With Love): For high-functioning individuals, a strong support system that provides consistent, non-judgmental accountability can be life-saving.
  • Talk About It: Break the cycle of secrecy. Sharing Eric’s story is Adriana’s way of ensuring his life—and his struggle—serves a greater purpose: saving others by normalizing the conversation.

Eric’s life, filled with love, success, and profound internal pain, is a powerful reminder that addiction wears many masks. By confronting the stigma head-on and understanding the complex reality of the high-functioning addict, we can better support those who are struggling just for today and perhaps prevent future tragedies.

Posted on

Healing from Childhood Trauma: Caitlyn Boardman’s 12 Lessons from Alcoholism and Borderline Personality Disorder Recovery

In a world that often demands perfection, especially when it comes to recovery, the story of Caitlyn Boardman—a mental health and sobriety advocate—is a powerful testament to the messy, non-linear reality of healing. As a guest on the Recoverycast podcast, Caitlyn shared her deeply personal journey through adoption trauma, the early loss of a parent, a turbulent relationship with alcohol and substances, and a complex interplay of mental health conditions, including Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and an eating disorder. Her path, marked by relapse, divorce, and the grief of losing both adoptive parents, is a striking example of persistence over perfection.

Her message, distilled from years of struggle and eventual triumph, offers a crucial anchor for anyone feeling lost: “Just to not give up hope. And that, you know, despite all the things life throws at you, there is hope on the other side, even when it feels like there is none at all.” Caitlyn’s willingness to embrace the imperfections of her journey—from being the “girl with the alcohol in her closet” to a public advocate—shows that true strength lies not in avoiding the fall, but in constantly choosing to get back up. This comprehensive article delves into the core challenges Caitlyn faced and builds on her story to offer 12 critical takeaways for navigating co-occurring disorders, trauma, and the continuous fight for a better life.

1. Recognizing the Indirect Impact of Childhood Trauma and Adoption

Caitlyn’s childhood, while seemingly stable, was underpinned by the indirect trauma of early life experiences. Adopted from South Korea and raised in a white family, she initially believed her adoption didn’t affect her. It wasn’t until she reached adulthood and sought therapy that the deeper emotional roots of her struggles began to surface.

Caitlyn’s therapist posed a critical question that unlocked a deeper understanding: “You’re adopted, but where were you the first four months of your life?” This led to the discovery that she had been in a foster home, a separation that her therapist linked to her adult trust issues. This experience highlights a crucial aspect of trauma: it doesn’t have to be a direct, dramatic event to leave a lasting impact. The pre-verbal separation from her birth mother and subsequent placement created an emotional blueprint that affected her ability to form secure attachments later in life.

Compounding this was the loss of her adoptive father at the tender age of six. She recalls: “I remember running away as a kid. I was just really upset and my mom, she let me cry, but you know, then it was just, we never really talked about it.” The lack of open communication about grief meant that she and her brother “suffered in silence,” a common experience in families where emotional expression is suppressed.

Explore trauma treatment options.

2. Early Onset Alcoholism and the Search for Numbing

The seeds of addiction were planted early for Caitlyn, fueled by a combination of easy access to alcohol and an internal struggle to cope with her feelings of loneliness and grief. She recounts starting to drink around age 13 and drinking alone. Access was made easy because her mother kept alcohol in the house “all the time.”

Her habit quickly progressed from experimentation to a pattern of isolation and concealment: “I remember I would take alcohol from my mom, I’d put it in water bottles… and stuff it in my closet. Like my friends used to joke around, like they’d be like, oh, you’re the girl with the alcohol in her closet.” This early reliance on alcohol to numb difficult emotions is a classic red flag for a developing substance use disorder.

The interviewer rightly pointed out the heartbreaking realization in hindsight: “That’s a kid really struggling, grabbing for alcohol and substance to try and numb that, that’s extremely tough.” This pattern of self-medication would continue for years, culminating in a period where she felt destined to suffer: “I feel like I’m meant to suffer. So that’s why I drank. I was like, I, I feel like I’m just not meant to be happy.” This belief—that she was unworthy of happiness—drove her substance use, highlighting the deep connection between self-worth and addiction.

3. Navigating the Complexities of Co-Occurring Disorders

Caitlyn’s journey is a powerful case study in comorbidity, or the co-occurrence of substance use disorders with mental health conditions. She battled alcoholism alongside an eating disorder and was later diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

The Eating Disorder and Body Image

Her struggle with the eating disorder intensified after having her children, driven by a hyper-focus on weight loss. This pursuit of “skinny” led to severely restrictive behaviors, eventually causing her to view herself as overweight even at a critically low weight of 98 pounds. This distorted self-perception is a hallmark of eating disorders, where the underlying issue is not truly about food or weight, but about control, self-criticism, and emotional regulation.

See eating disorder treatment options.

The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Diagnosis

Caitlyn pursued psychiatric help after feeling “off” her whole life due to severe mood swings. She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a condition that the clinician linked directly to her trauma. BPD is characterized by unstable moods, behavior, relationships, and self-image, often leading to impulsive behavior, intense emotional responses, and difficulties with secure attachments—all of which factored into Caitlyn’s self-destructive patterns. The self-harm that started in middle school evolved into physically hitting and bruising herself, particularly when alcohol was involved, demonstrating the volatile synergy between her substance use and mental health struggles. She noted that BPD, unlike some other disorders, “you get it from trauma.”

4. The Deepening of Addiction and Rock Bottom

The full severity of Caitlyn’s addiction surfaced after her third child, following a messy breakup with the children’s father. The intermittent drinking of her early motherhood quickly escalated to drinking “all day, every day”. The day-to-day struggle was marked by extreme self-harm and an inability to maintain stability. She lost one job and narrowly avoided being fired from another after showing up to work “blackout drunk” and messing up “every table’s order.”

The turning point—or “rock bottom”—was a dramatic, frightening moment in 2021, a month after the birth of her fourth child. A volatile argument with her partner while both were drinking led to a frightening climax that resulted in the police being called for the third time. The police’s warning about the potential involvement of Child Protective Services served as a stark and terrifying wake-up call.

Find integrative alcohol addiction treatment options.

5. Choosing Sobriety and Embracing New Habits

After the incident with the police, Caitlyn embarked on her recovery journey. Despite having no formal treatment or therapy at the time—a testament to her sheer willpower and underlying resilience—she stopped drinking daily. She noted that while she didn’t experience the severe physical withdrawals many do, she was immediately plagued by intense cravings, which often manifest as a craving for sweets in early sobriety.

To fill the void left by alcohol, she actively jumped into new habits and tools:

  • Fitness Shift: She completely changed her focus in the gym, moving from working out “to be skinny” to working out “to be strong, not skinny.” This complete mindset switch reflected a fundamental move toward self-care and health, resulting in a healthy weight gain of 15 pounds.
  • Mindfulness and Meditation: Overcoming the initial difficulty of sitting with a “sober brain” and a head full of trauma-driven thoughts, she credits meditation as a “key to so many things,” especially for managing her BPD symptoms. She also highlighted the importance of breathwork to calm her nervous system in daily situations.

6. The Necessity of Environmental and Relational Changes

Maintaining sobriety demanded a complete overhaul of her social life. Since her entire friend circle drank, she had to stop going out, which inevitably led to losing many friends. While this loss hurt, she adopted a mature perspective: “I was like, you know what? They weren’t my friends in the first place.” This realization is a vital lesson in recovery: true friends support your health, while drinking companions only support the addiction.

This principle was painfully tested in her marriage, which had begun and was largely fueled by alcohol during the COVID-19 pandemic. She eventually found herself navigating a divorce from a partner who repeatedly lied about his own sobriety. “I found out later on that he had drank and lied to me about it… that was hard to deal with.” The pain and harassment from the dissolution of that toxic relationship made her “want to drink so bad,” but she persevered.

The anchor that kept her from drinking during the immense stress of divorce and the grief of her mother’s passing was her children. She intentionally chose to provide them with a different, more emotionally available experience of grief than the one she had as a child: “I wanted to be strong for them. And, you know, not go down that dark path.”

7. The Power of Advocacy and Vulnerability on Social Media

In an age where public figures often curate perfect narratives, Caitlyn’s decision to share her raw journey publicly has been a source of healing and connection. Starting with a single TikTok post about being “one month sober” in 2021, her vulnerability resonated with a massive audience.

What’s interesting is the contrast she found in sharing: she describes herself as a private person in her day-to-day life, yet an “open book” on social media. This distinction is common for advocates who find safety and connection in a digital community. The feedback and messages she received affirmed that her story was making a difference, transforming her personal struggle into a source of public hope.

8. Understanding the Nature of Relapse: A Non-Linear Journey

Caitlyn’s most recent experience highlights a key message: recovery is not linear, and relapse is often a process that begins long before the first drink is taken.

In a situation that many in sobriety fear, she was mistakenly served a full-alcohol beer instead of the non-alcoholic (NA) beer she ordered. While she noticed the strong taste, she initially rationalized it. Her therapist offered a profound concept: “Relapse before you relapse.” Caitlyn realized that for a month beforehand, she had been “looking for something,” having bought and kept a miniature bottle of liquor in her fridge. This pre-relapse mental softening meant that the accidental exposure became a justification: “I was like, gotcha. This is the perfect opportunity. You know? You were justifying in your head.”

The Three-Day Wake-Up Call

The accidental slip quickly spiraled into a full, short-lived relapse. The severity of the incident—which involved her being so drunk she ended up in the hospital after friends reported her banging her head on the floor—served as a definitive reminder of where her addiction leads. After a brief period of continued drinking for three days, the physical illness from dehydration and the shame of the behavior quickly brought her back to the clarity of sobriety: “This is not it. Like we didn’t do this. We can go back now.”

The non-linear nature of recovery means a slip doesn’t erase the progress made. It’s a data point, not a destination.

9. The Importance of an Open Dialogue on Grief

The most moving part of Caitlyn’s story is the conscious choice to heal her own past by changing her present and future. Reflecting on the silent suffering after her father’s passing, she made a deliberate choice to be “very open” with her children following the loss of her adoptive mother: “I was like, we need to talk about it.”

This act of providing emotional space for her children is profoundly healing. As she put it, “It feels really good to be able to like, have those tools from that experience to like give that to my kids while they’re going through this.” This breaks the generational cycle of emotional avoidance and is a powerful act of self-compassion directed at the child version of herself.

10. The Simple Power of Persistence

Caitlyn’s entire narrative is summed up by her core message: persistence. She didn’t have a magical, instant recovery. She battled on and off for years, from her early teens until she got sober in 2021, a five-year period of severe struggle after her third child. Her persistence was not a sudden burst of perfect effort, but the quiet, daily commitment to “keep fighting every day, kept showing up until one day I was like, I’m sober.”

This relentless showing up, even when things felt utterly hopeless, is the essence of her success. For anyone feeling overwhelmed by the length and difficulty of their own recovery journey, Caitlyn’s story is proof that showing up for yourself is the single most important action you can take.

11. The Protective Role of Parenthood in Sobriety

While a challenging relationship with her children’s father fueled some of her heaviest drinking, her children ultimately became her most powerful protective factor. When faced with the immense grief and stress of her mother’s passing, they were her anchor, keeping her from drinking.

She is honest about this reality: “I feel like if I didn’t have my kids, I probably would’ve drank.” For many parents, the desire to provide a stable, loving environment becomes the “reason” that outweighs the addiction’s pull. It transformed her motivation from self-loathing (“I’m meant to suffer”) to service (“I wanted to be strong for them”).

12. Never Give Up Hope: A Final, Powerful Word

Caitlyn’s journey from a self-harming, isolated child with a hidden stash of alcohol to a strong, vulnerable mother and advocate is a roadmap for those navigating the darkest of paths. Her entire message hinges on this simple, profound instruction: Don’t give up hope.

The most compelling quote from her experience encapsulates the dark mental state of addiction and the breakthrough of recovery: “I’ve been in such a dark place, I’ve been like that in that area of my life where I’m like, things will never get better. I’ll never be happy… And that’s why I kept drinking.” Her eventual turn—the decision to keep fighting despite this deep-seated belief—is the persistence that turned her life around.

Her story is a living example of a fundamental truth: no matter how complex the mental health issues (BPD, eating disorder, alcoholism, trauma) or how difficult the circumstances (loss, divorce, relapse), the persistence to show up every day leads to the other side. Healing is messy, but it is always possible.

Posted on

High-Functioning Alcohol Use: 10 Lessons from Sober Coach Courtney Anderson to Escape the Moderation Cycle

“From 19 to 29 was my, my decade-long career with alcohol. A love affair. Yes. A very toxic one.”

For many, the journey into sobriety isn’t a sudden fall but a slow, creeping realization that a habit once seen as fun or a rite of passage has become a toxic, decade-long career. Courtney Anderson, a sober coach, author, and podcast host, spent ten years navigating what is now often referred to as gray area drinking—where alcohol use causes significant distress and negative consequences without fitting the traditional, high-severity picture of alcoholism.

Courtney’s story, shared on Recoverycast, is a powerful testament to the fact that change is possible and a life beyond the moderation cycle is within reach, even for the high-functioning individual. Her experience moving from a shy teen who found freedom in booze to a high-achieving woman building a sober life offers a vital roadmap for others seeking to break free.

1. The Deceptive Allure of Alcohol for the Shy and Reserved

Courtney’s initial interactions with alcohol were marked by caution due to a family history of alcoholism and mental health issues. Her first heavy drinking experience at age 17 was “violently ill.” Yet, a trip across the border to Canada on her 19th birthday fundamentally shifted her perspective. She described this moment as falling in love with the drinking culture and how it made her feel.

“I was a shy kid… And so I felt like that first night of drinking at a bar, it loosened me up. I was able to dance with dudes. Like I just, it felt like I was finally free.”

For many who struggle with social anxiety or shyness, alcohol acts as a quick, albeit deceptive, social lubricant. This feeling of being “finally free” can create a powerful association between alcohol and self-confidence, setting the stage for a dependency that often goes unexamined for years. This is especially true in cultures, like the one she described in the Midwest, where heavy drinking is an ingrained social norm and “a natural evolution” in a young person’s life.

2. Understanding the Gray Area Drinking Spectrum

Courtney’s active drinking period, from age 19 to 29, was an evolution from “fun” to “something darker.” This decade showcases the full spectrum of alcohol use disorder (AUD), which wasn’t widely discussed as a spectrum when she was going through it. At 25, she recognized the internal voice telling her, “You’re gonna have to quit drinking one day,” yet she spent the next four years attempting to moderate.

Key elements of her gray area drinking included:

  • Blackouts: Losing hours or nights of memory.
  • Mixing Substances: The use of alcohol led to cocaine use, which she noted she “would not have done… if I wasn’t drinking.”
  • Functional Exterior: She “always held a job,” “always paid my bills,” and held it together, which is characteristic of high-functioning alcohol use. This outward appearance of control often delays seeking help because the individual, and those around them, minimize the internal struggle.
  • The Moderation Cycle: A four-year period of making rules for herself—”stick to beer only,” “only drink on the weekends”—only to slowly move the goalposts and “always going back to how it’s ended.” This constant bartering with yourself is exhausting and breeds shame.

3. The Shift from Hangovers to Panic Attacks

One of the most defining and terrifying shifts in Courtney’s drinking was the onset of extreme anxiety following a night of heavy use. After she turned 25, her “hangovers turned to panic attacks.” This is a common and critical progression in heavy drinking, often referred to as alcohol-induced anxiety or hangxiety.

“It was not just like a little teensy bits of anxiety. It was like full blown. I am thinking I’m going to die.”

The physical and psychological stress alcohol places on the central nervous system leads to a rebound effect when it leaves the body. The brain, attempting to rebalance from the depressant effects of alcohol, becomes hyper-excitable, leading to intense fear, racing heart, and the feeling of impending doom. This experience was so severe that it led her to an urgent care visit where, in her words, she genuinely felt she was “gonna die and have a heart attack.” This escalating consequence makes the cycle more difficult to maintain and often serves as a significant motivator for change.

4. The Cat-alyst: Finding Your Non-Self-Love Reason

Courtney’s ultimate decision to quit came after a dramatic blackout that resulted in her losing her cat, Fiona, by leaving a sliding glass door open. For three agonizing days, she was in the “worst hangover of my life,” crippled by guilt and shame, while her boyfriend was furious.

In a moment of desperation and clarity, she made a pact: If I find her, this is my sign to give up alcohol.

When Fiona emerged on the third day, the world went silent—a true “universe, god slash movie moment.” The cat, a rescue and the heart of her partner, became the catalyst for her change.

“A lot of people wanna debate this one where it’s like, well, you shouldn’t get sober for something else. But it’s like, but something’s gotta be the catalyst. And at, at that beginning, I did not love myself.”

While the eventual goal of sobriety is self-love, the starting line often involves a deep connection to something or someone else: a child, a partner, a pet, a career, or a health crisis. This external motivation provides the necessary leverage when self-worth is low. Her husband’s clear boundary—”You can continue to drink. I’m not gonna partake in this anymore… it’s too much”—also forced a choice: keep the drinking life or keep the loving partner.

5. Prioritizing the Single, Crucial Goal in Early Sobriety

After her “day one” on August 18, 2012, Courtney’s first year of sobriety was focused on one thing: not drinking today. She recognized the danger of trying to overhaul her entire life at once.

“That first year for me was just like, I’m not drinking today, and that is all I’m gonna focus… It’s too much [to take on everything at once].”

This foundational principle is critical for sustainable recovery. It involves:

  • White Knuckling: The first two years were admittedly a lot of “white knuckling”—pushing through cravings and discomfort with sheer willpower.
  • Holding onto Gratitude: Starting every morning with: “Thank you for another day sober.”
  • Radical Self-Care: Allowing herself to “eat cupcakes,” “nap if I need to,” and take time away from the world. This is the opposite of the perfectionism and people-pleasing that often fuel addiction.
  • The Ugly Process: Acknowledging the raw, unfiltered emotions that surfaced, including “driving around… like crying and screaming in my car.” This is the natural, messy, and necessary process of feeling the feelings she had been numbing for a decade.

Courtney also made an important distinction about traditional recovery programs: she found the 12 Steps overwhelming initially (“How the hell am I gonna stay sober for 10 years?”). This highlights the importance of finding a recovery path that resonates with the individual’s mental and emotional state at the time, which may not always be a one-size-fits-all approach. For those struggling to find the right fit, it’s important to explore various options and resources. Recovery.com offers tools to filter and find mental health and addiction treatment specific to your needs, including therapy types and levels of care.

6. The Three-Year Blueprint for Rebuilding a Sober Life

After prioritizing sobriety in year one, Courtney built upon that foundation with an intentional, phased approach. Her first year was all about stopping the drinking, focusing only on being sober today, and embracing radical self-care.

In her second year, she moved on to address her physical health, integrating “fitness and nutrition” now that her mind wasn’t clouded by alcohol.

Her third year was dedicated to personal development. This is when she started developing her “morning routine” of meditation and reading and actively returned to therapy to work on underlying emotional issues.

This phased approach prevents burnout and allows the individual to develop self-trust and confidence incrementally. Each day, week, and year sober builds a sense of “I can do hard things,” which replaces the shame and self-hatred of active addiction. This slow but steady process is how you develop the “new version of me.”

7. The Surprise Realizations of Early Sobriety

When asked about the biggest surprises in her first year, Courtney pointed to two major insights:

  1. The Overwhelming Surge of Emotion: Addiction is often about numbing. When the substance is removed, all the feelings—past trauma, present anxiety, sudden joy, and crushing guilt—come “to the surface” at once. This is the hardest part, but also the most essential for true healing.
  2. The Discovery of Inner Strength: “I’m a lot tougher than I thought… I can do hard things.” The courage it takes to get sober reveals a resilience that was hidden beneath the addiction. This newfound strength becomes the engine for long-term recovery.

8. Nurturing Recovery Long-Term: The Non-Negotiable Routine

Over a decade into sobriety, the work isn’t over—it evolves. Courtney’s continued sobriety relies on awareness and action to avoid becoming “stagnant” in recovery, which she calls “the dangerous thing.”

  • Getting Help When Needed: When she developed postpartum OCD after her son’s birth, she immediately went back to therapy, demonstrating that asking for help is a sign of strength, not failure.
  • Continuous Self-Regulation: A major challenge, even over a decade later, came in the form of motherhood. “I understand why mom’s drink. I get it. I have been humbled.” In that moment of intense stress, her awareness kicked in.
  • The Non-Negotiable Morning Routine: Her established year-three habits became her bedrock: “I had to get back onto my gratitude list, my 10 to 15 minutes of just reading personal development and get back onto my meditation.” Even on vacation, this routine is a non-negotiable tool for grounding herself. “At least I can control this,” she noted.

9. Coaching for the Highly Sensitive and Perfectionist

Courtney’s coaching practice, Sober Vibes, focuses on high-achieving women dealing with gray area drinking. She recognized a pattern: many of the women she works with are empaths and highly sensitive people (HSPs), often with tendencies toward perfectionism and codependency.

  • Empathy and Anxiety: Highly sensitive people feel everything deeply, and alcohol becomes a tool to “make it stop.”
  • The Codependency Trap: The relentless cycle of people-pleasing and over-booking themselves leads to depletion. “You gotta allow yourself some rest, you have to allow yourself, you time before you give all to others.” This continuous pouring from an empty cup leads to burnout and a “F it, what’s the point?” mindset that drives them back to the bottle.

Her coaching gives these women “permission just to be” and encourages radical rest and boundaries, breaking the cycle of self-sacrificing behavior that underlies their drinking.

10. The Power of Personalization in Healing

Courtney waited six years to become a coach to ensure she had worked through her own codependency and had a solid foundation. Her core philosophy is that “there’s no one way to heal because it’s so personalized. It’s not one size fits all.” This is why she works one-on-one with clients, meeting them where they are and building a bespoke plan based on their unique personality and challenges.

Posted on

Suzanne Warye’s 9 Candid Lessons on Sobriety, Motherhood, and Calling Out Mommy Wine Culture

If you have ever wondered whether you “qualify” for sobriety without a dramatic rock bottom, this conversation is for you. In a wide ranging interview on Recovery Cast, Suzanne Warye, host of The Sober Mom Life and author of The Sober Shift, lays out a compassionate, modern path to alcohol free living that is honest, practical, and deeply hopeful. She talks about chasing connection, wrestling with shame, navigating OCD in motherhood, and why mommy wine culture is not an accident. Her message is simple and powerful, you do not have to lose more to choose yourself. “You qualify for sobriety,” she says, even if the outside looks fine.

Below are the biggest takeaways, pulled straight from her story and phrased so a busy reader can skim, reflect, and act.

1) You qualify for sobriety, period

Suzanne opens with the line many of us need to hear most. You do not need to count losses to count yourself in. You do not need a DUI or an arrest or a partner’s ultimatum. Choosing a full life without alcohol is available to you right now. Her North Star, repeated with warmth, you do not have to wait to lose more.

That reframe dissolves the old gatekeeping around recovery. It also challenges the idea that sobriety is a punishment. As Suzanne later explains, treating sobriety like a penalty is “so dangerously wrong,” because the gift on the other side is presence, trust, and peace of mind.

2) Moderation is not a character test, it is a mental load

Before she quit, Suzanne did what many smart strivers do, she “rocked moderation,” stacked with rules and vigilance. It looked responsible from the outside, it felt exhausting on the inside. “You say moderation and I cringe,” she admits, because alcohol is a highly addictive substance that changes your brain on contact.

Sobriety removed the noisy calculus. No more waiting to see if a friend orders another round, no more water then wine then maybe one more. “Do you know how much brain power I have freed,” she says, calling the first days a felt sense of relief.

3) A wake up call can be quiet and still count

Suzanne does not tell a catastrophe story, she tells a clarity story. The moment that changed everything arrived with a question no mother wants to face, could she trust herself to get her kids home safely if alcohol was invited, and with the memory she could not shake, nursing her 3 month old while in a blackout the night before. That was enough. She chose to be done.

When her husband assumed it was another next day vow, she heard her own voice and decided to make it true, then and there. She opened Audible, searched for sobriety, and started learning. This Naked Mind by Annie Grace was first, which gave her words and science she never got as a teen.

4) Mommy wine culture is a business strategy, not a wink and a meme

The glamorized reels and cute stemless glasses did not just happen. “It is not by accident that moms have been targeted by big alcohol,” Suzanne says. When a market needs new customers, it packages ethanol as empowerment and positions wine as the fix for exhaustion, anxiety, and the chaos of caregiving. That is not support, that is sales.

She has seen the mechanics up close from her earlier life as a lifestyle influencer. She shot pretty pictures for a “botanical” vodka campaign, poured the liquor down the drain, then posted the aesthetic. The image sells, the reality harms, and the mom in Wisconsin or Iowa is the collateral.

5) Sobriety is presence, not punishment

We have been taught to count down to 21 like alcohol is a rite and to treat abstaining like a timeout. Suzanne flips that script. Drinking is not a privilege you earn, she says, and sobriety is not the penalty box when you mess up. It is a pathway to being fully here, feeling your feelings, and trusting yourself again.

That trust shift is the whole point. She wanted to be the same mom at the pool party at 5 p.m. that she was at 9 a.m., the safe person anxious kids can run to, the adult who remembers the conversations and keeps the promises. That is not a downgrade in joy, it is the upgrade.

6) Romance the reality, not the martini

Ask yourself what day drinking actually gives you. Suzanne calls it like she lived it, day drinking meant you are blacked out by 7 p.m., or hungover by 7 p.m., neither is the golden hour we romanticize. Naming that gap between glossy fantasy and gritty reality helps break the spell.

She also points out how pop culture primed us. Reality TV and aspirational feeds show the party, not the price. When you compare your next day to their edited night, shame grows. The fix is not better hiding, it is better honesty, with yourself and with each other.

7) OCD, intrusive thoughts, and why thoughts are not orders

Suzanne did not know she had OCD until after becoming a mother. Intrusive thoughts flooded in, not just what is the worst that could happen, but the terrifying twist, what if I did it. Therapy and medication gave her language and distance. The key lesson for early sobriety, your thoughts are not you. There is space between what your brain offers and what you choose.

She now teaches women to treat alcohol thoughts like any other odd brain blip, notice, normalize, and do not assign them mystical meaning. You are not a bad spouse because you noticed the UPS driver is attractive, and you are not doomed to drink because your brain suggested it. There is a lot of room between thought and action, thank goodness.

8) Grief will test you, community will carry you

About a year into sobriety, Suzanne’s father died. Everyone around her was drinking, and she understood the pull to blunt the edge. Instead, she cried, she told her kids the truth about her sadness, she let her husband hold her on the closet floor, and she felt the hard thing with clarity. She calls that endurance a gift she gave herself.

Her takeaway is not moral superiority, it is honest compassion. Grief can sideline anyone. Do what you can. And also, notice the beauty that arrives when you let a feeling complete its arc. That experience convinced her she could handle social anxiety, FOMO, and nerves too. She had walked through fire, puddles would not scare her anymore.

9) Connection is the cure, not the wine

Suzanne founded The Sober Mom Life Cafe, a daily Zoom community where women raise hands, share shame, and get seen without judgment. The rule of the room is simple, tell the truth, even if your voice shakes, and keep coming back. That kind of belonging repairs the exact hurt alcohol promised to soothe.

She has watched relationships deepen too. Her husband tried a year without alcohol, then decided not to go back, her mom and brother quit as well. In sobriety you often start friendships at sixty, not at zero, because you skip small talk and step into the good stuff, the messy, human, real.

Bonus, a few practical moves Suzanne used early on

  • Anchor to your truest memory, she kept returning to one clear image, that morning on the couch when she decided she was done. She revisited the feeling in her chest often, especially when her brain tried to romanticize the past.
  • Make mornings the vacation, her first alcohol free trip came only three weeks in, and she discovered the joy of sunrise runs and long days she could fully feel. Make the morning your event, not the evening.
  • Feed your mind, she started with This Naked Mind and kept going, audiobooks in one ear while wrangling a five year old, a two and a half year old, and a three month old. Education built healthy fear and confident language.

The bigger shift

Suzanne’s story reframes the entire cultural script. Alcohol is not a mandatory accessory to adulthood. Sobriety is not the scarlet letter you wear when you fail. For many women, especially mothers, the marketing rose colored the harm, and the solution is not tighter rules, it is a cleaner lens and a kinder room. If you crave deep connection, if moderation has become an Olympic sport, if your thoughts scare you and you want space to breathe, you are allowed to choose something different, today.

“Hop on a meeting, turn on your camera, raise your hand, even if your voice shakes.” Keep telling the truth about your doubts and your shame, and keep coming back. On the other side, there is hope and freedom.

Listen, share, reflect

If this resonated, give the full Recovery Cast episode a listen, then pass this post to someone who needs the permission slip. For a deeper dive, check out Suzanne’s book The Sober Shift, she shares her story along with other women who did not wait to lose more, calls out the myth of moderation, and names the marketing that targets moms. The book “comes out September 30,” and you can find it wherever you buy books.

Biggest lesson, you are not behind, you are right on time. Sobriety is not about what you have lost, it is about what you are ready to gain, presence, trust, connection, and a life you do not need to numb.

Posted on

Alyson Stoner on Navigating Trauma and an Eating Disorder in the Hollywood Spotlight

Alyson Stoner, a familiar face from childhood classics like Cheaper by the Dozen, Step Up, and Camp Rock, knows the intense, often unsustainable, pressures of the entertainment industry firsthand. Starting at a young age, Stoner was immersed in 80-hour work weeks, financial responsibilities, and constant public scrutiny that extended to their body and personal life, leading to struggles with disordered eating, severe anxiety, and a deep lack of personal boundaries.

Now, as a certified mental health practitioner, policy advocate, and New York Times bestselling author of the memoir Semi Well Adjusted, Despite Literally Everything, Stoner has transformed their experience into a powerful platform for change. They are the founder of Movement Genius, a digital platform offering therapist-led content, and a mental health coordinator for film productions.

On Recoverycast, Stoner shared the profound lessons learned from their journey through the Hollywood pressure cooker and into a life of proactive wellness. Their story offers a crucial window into how systemic issues in high-demand environments can impact a developing mind, and more importantly, how healing, agency, and recovery can be found, even when your foundation has been constantly shifting.

Recognizing That Traumas Can Become “Superpowers”

A key theme in recovery is learning to re-contextualize the coping mechanisms and survival strategies developed during times of stress. What was once necessary to survive can, with conscious effort, be channeled into something productive.

“That’s where you take the hypervigilance that was once suggested a survival strategy and apply it in a proactive way,” Stoner notes. They reflect that many qualities others praise in their career—their “superpowers”—are actually rooted in the very traumas they experienced. For instance, the constant need to be adaptable and ready for change on set, while initially creating an imbalance, can be reframed as a high degree of flexibility and responsiveness in their adult work as a practitioner and advocate.

This process involves recognizing that the drive, attention to detail, or ability to anticipate problems (hypervigilance) isn’t inherently bad; the problem lies in the source and the intensity of its demand. By becoming aware of the origin, one gains the choice to use the skill purposefully rather than being driven by a subconscious need to survive.

Understanding the Child Performer’s First Map of the World

For any child, repeated experiences and absorbed messages form the foundational “map of the world.” For a child performer, this map is drawn under extreme and often unnatural conditions, leading to distorted perceptions of self and safety.

Stoner outlines the key differences between a typical childhood foundation and one built in the entertainment industry:

  • Lack of Routine and Consistency: Instead of reliable school schedules and a consistent home life, Stoner was working 80-hour weeks on constantly changing sets, eliminating the stability necessary for a secure attachment.
  • Blurred Identity: Young children lack a formed sense of self and primarily absorb external messages. Playing multiple characters without tools to differentiate led to blurred lines between their own thoughts and those of a role. Stoner felt like “tofu in essence,” absorbing the flavor of whatever role or environment surrounded them.
  • Reversed Caregiver Roles: Child performers can become financially responsible for a team of adults, placing the child in a position of power and vulnerability simultaneously. This compromises the safe, trustworthy space a young person needs from attuned caregivers.
  • Public Scrutiny: Dealing with public criticism and lack of privacy from a very young age teaches the child that the external world is a primary source of threat and judgment.

The Shift from Human Being to Product

The most detrimental implicit shift, Stoner explains, was learning to see themselves as an object:

“I came to know my body, my mind and body as an object to fix or a project to complete, because I was the product.”

This realization, driven by constant demands for modification in auditions and performances, replaced listening to their basic human needs. The self became a tool—something to be molded, starved, or overworked to meet an external standard. This environment cultivated a deep lack of boundaries, where they were programmed to be “fully available and accessible to everyone at all times,” often overlooking their own health and well-being.

Recognizing the “Toddler to Train Wreck Pipeline”

Stoner coined the term “toddler to train wreck pipeline” to describe the repeating spiral of young high-performing individuals (in arts, sports, or academics) who experience an early peak and then undergo a public downward spiral involving mental health crises, exploitation, or addiction.

This pipeline, Stoner argues, is not due to personal failure, but to major systemic variables that are not addressed in the industry. It’s a preventable crisis. By analyzing media culture, industry protocols, and child labor laws, Stoner recognized that proactive intervention is possible. Their current work as a mental health coordinator for film productions addresses these very gaps, creating protocols to support the psychological safety of cast and crew.

Coping Strategies as Natural Responses to Extreme Circumstance

The struggles with disordered eating and over-exercising were not random but were “responses to really extreme and bizarre circumstances.” In an environment where control over life, safety, and identity was nonexistent, these behaviors provided a false sense of agency and control.

Stoner also highlights the high-octane nature of the work itself, which contributed to an addictive high pattern:

“I think that too, as a child, I didn’t realize what was happening, but I was developing that sort of addictive high pattern… So even when I wasn’t booking work anymore, or as regularly, I would find other things to do that would give me that same spike.”

Performing in front of thousands of people offers an adrenaline and dopamine rush that is followed by a natural dip, known as a post-tour depressive period. Without tools to understand or manage this cycle, the body seeks that high through other means. The eating disorder, therefore, became an unconscious attempt to keep it all together and suppress emotions that would have interfered with the job.

The Need for Proactive Mental Health Coordination

The lack of mental health support on sets was a significant factor in the toll taken on Stoner and their peers. At the time, creative spaces prioritized the story’s intensity over the human cost.

This problem extended beyond the child actor to every member of the production. This includes crew members setting up scenes that might trigger past trauma, editors working in dark rooms cutting intense material for long hours, and even the audience, whose constant consumption of intense, violent material leads to desensitization and dissociation. Stoner’s work as a mental health coordinator is now focused on ensuring ethical media creation for everyone involved, from the performers to the crew and the audience.

The Journey to Treatment: Repairing the “Instrument”

At 17, after realizing their disordered eating had taken control and following a significant audition, Stoner entered treatment. Initially, the goal was merely to “repair my instrument, and then get back out in the game”—a reflection of the product mentality.

However, treatment provided a radically different experience, including a steady, structured schedule, adults not on the payroll who were invested in their human development, and the space to ask: “What do you want for your life?” This environment allowed the deeper, years-long conditioning to begin to unravel.

The first day was incredibly difficult, marked by chemical and emotional withdrawal from the dependencies they had built. “It felt like my body was on fire,” Stoner recalls, a testament to how physically hard it is to quit a survival mechanism.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as the First Step

In early recovery, the focus shifted to cognitive tools to manage the racing thoughts that drove the unhealthy behaviors. Stoner found immense utility in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), particularly the creation of trigger cards. This involved assessing triggers, naming old ways (the historical, non-serving response), and then establishing highly specific replacement strategies for that particular trigger. The consistent, moment-to-moment practice of “catching the thought as it happens, challenging the truth of it, and changing it in real time” was a critical early intervention.

Embracing Somatic Tools to Regulate the Nervous System

While CBT helped with the mind, the body needed a different approach. After leaving the structured environment of treatment and re-engaging with life’s stressors, Stoner shifted to somatic tools—practices that focus on the mind-body connection—to handle the inevitable discomfort.

Somatic work teaches a person how to feel discomfort without immediately needing to run away or fix it with a coping mechanism. This is a difficult pivot, especially when society often equates meditation with “emptying your mind,” which is nearly impossible for someone with an activated nervous system.

The Power of Titration and Patience in Healing

Working with a somatic psychotherapist, Stoner was introduced to the concept of titration—a technique for managing intense emotional experiences by working in small, manageable doses.

Imagine being in a pot of hot water. When the stress (“heat”) becomes too much and you start to “boil over,” titration involves using small techniques to dial down the heat to a manageable level before dipping back into the difficult work.

For Stoner, this meant a session might only involve noticing that their hand formed an angry fist when a difficult topic was raised. That’s it. The session’s goal was not a breakthrough but to feel and name the physical reaction without escalating. This slow, steady process acknowledges that the body will resist change if pushed too far, viewing it as unsafe.

Finding Your Path: The Diverse Faces of Recovery

Stoner emphasizes that there is no single path to healing. Recovery is not a one-size-fits-all process.

For some, it means walking away from the source of trauma forever. For others, it might mean doing the deep work to heal and then using that knowledge to become an advocate or an agent of change within the very system that caused the harm. The key is developing the wisdom and discernment to know what is best for your current stage of healing, and to avoid re-traumatizing yourself by rushing to turn pain into purpose.

The ability to pivot from a life of intense performance to one of thoughtful practice and advocacy has allowed Stoner to help the next generation avoid the pitfalls they experienced. By sharing their story, they offer both a mirror for those who recognize their own struggles and a window for others to understand the vital need for systemic change in high-pressure industries.

Posted on

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): Your Path to Managing Intense Emotions

Life can present immense challenges, and sometimes the way we experience and manage our emotions can feel overwhelming, even debilitating. You might find yourself caught in cycles of intense emotions, struggling with relationships, or feeling a persistent sense of internal turmoil. 

If these experiences resonate, it’s natural to seek understanding and a way forward. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)—a comprehensive, evidence-based psychotherapy—offers a structured, compassionate approach designed to help you build new skills, improve well-being, and strengthen quality of life.

What Is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)?

DBT is a comprehensive cognitive-behavioral treatment (a form of cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT) developed to help people who experience emotions with extreme intensity. 

DBT teaches practical skills training1 in four modules: mindfulness skills, distress tolerance skills, emotion regulation skills, and interpersonal effectiveness, so you can manage powerful feelings, reduce self-destructive or self-harm behaviors, and improve relationships.

Throughout therapy sessions, clinicians emphasize validation and a nonjudgmental stance2 while guiding change with concrete interventions and problem-solving tools.

A Brief History and Evolution of DBT

Here is a brief history of DBT.3 It was developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD, in the late 1980s. Initially, it targeted the treatment of borderline personality disorder (BPD)—a mental health condition marked by emotion dysregulation, impulsivity, and chronic suicidal ideation. 

  • Early research showed DBT reduced suicidal behavior4 and suicide attempts, self-injury, and the need for hospitalization. 
  • Over time, DBT expanded beyond BPD to other mental health conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), eating disorders (including bulimia and binge eating), substance use disorders (often called substance abuse in older studies), depression, anxiety, and even ADHD in adolescent populations.5 
  • Today, many mental health professionals across psychiatry, psychology, and social work deliver DBT in both outpatient and inpatient health care settings.

Why DBT Matters for You

If you often feel overwhelmed by intense emotions, DBT helps you understand where feelings come from and how to respond without escalating harm. If your relationships are tumultuous, DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness6 module shows how to ask for what you need and set limits. 

When impulsivity or urges toward self-harm or substance use show up, DBT offers new skills to pause, choose, and act in line with your goals, a pathway to a life worth living.

Core Principles of DBT

Dialectics: Embracing Contradictions

DBT teaches that two truths can be valid at once: you can accept yourself fully and work to change. This balanced stance counters all-or-nothing thinking and supports sustainable growth.

Mindfulness: Living in the Present Moment

Mindfulness in DBT7 means noticing thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment. This creates space between a trigger and your response—key for people managing BPD,8 PTSD,9 or substance use disorders.10

Acceptance and Change: A Dual Approach

DBT blends acceptance (e.g., radical acceptance) with targeted cognitive-behavioral interventions that shift unhelpful behaviors. You learn to face reality as it is while taking steps to improve it.

The Four Pillars (Modules) of DBT Skills Training

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) offers practical, evidence-based skills that help people manage emotions, cope with distress, and improve relationships. These skills are often taught in treatment programs, group sessions, or individual therapy. They can also be practiced in daily life to build resilience and support recovery. Below are the four main categories of DBT skills, along with their key strategies.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness11 is at the heart of DBT. It helps patients stay grounded in the present moment, notice their experiences, and respond with clarity instead of reacting impulsively.

  • “What” skills: These include observing, describing, and participating. Observing means simply noticing what is happening around and within you. Describing involves putting words to your experiences (“My heart is racing” or “I feel worried”). Participating means fully engaging in the moment, whether you are talking with a friend or focusing on a task.
  • “How” skills: These describe the way to practice mindfulness. Nonjudgmentally means noticing without labeling something as “good” or “bad.” One-mindfully means doing one thing at a time with full attention. Effectively means focusing on what works in the situation, rather than what “should” be happening.

Together, these skills build awareness and reduce the pull of unhelpful thought patterns.

Distress Tolerance

These skills focus on surviving crisis moments without making things worse. Instead of avoiding or acting impulsively, patients learn ways to tolerate distress until emotions settle.

  • TIPP: This stands for temperature (cooling the body, such as with cold water), intense exercise (short bursts of movement), paced breathing, and paired muscle relaxation. These strategies calm the nervous system quickly.
  • ACCEPTS: This acronym stands for activities, contributing, comparisons, emotions, pushing away, thoughts, and sensations. These distraction strategies help redirect the mind during overwhelming moments.
  • Self-soothing and “improve the moment”: Self-soothing uses the five senses to comfort yourself, while improving the moment might include visualization, prayer, or relaxation exercises.
  • Radical acceptance: This involves fully accepting reality as it is, even if it is painful. Acceptance does not mean approval, but it reduces suffering caused by resisting what cannot be changed.

Emotion Regulation

Emotion regulation skills help patients understand their feelings and respond in healthier ways. Instead of being controlled by emotions, these tools support balance and stability.

  • Core skills: These include naming emotions (labeling them clearly), checking the facts (making sure feelings fit the situation), using opposite action (doing the opposite of what an unhelpful urge suggests), and problem-solving.
  • PLEASE: This acronym reminds patients to care for their body and mind. It stands for treating physical illness, balanced eating, avoiding intoxicants, getting good sleep, and regular exercise. When physical health is cared for, emotional regulation becomes easier.

These skills reduce vulnerability to intense emotions and build a stronger sense of well-being.

Interpersonal Effectiveness

DBT also teaches strategies for healthy relationships. These skills help patients ask for what they need, set boundaries, and maintain self-respect.

  • DEAR MAN, GIVE, FAST: These acronyms guide effective communication. They focus on being clear about needs, maintaining positive connections, and respecting both yourself and others.
  • Building and repairing relationships: Patients practice these skills in group sessions, family settings, school, or work. The goal is not only to improve current relationships but also to strengthen confidence in handling future interactions.

By practicing mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness, you can develop healthier ways of coping with challenges and strengthen your overall well-being. These strategies take practice, but over time they can bring lasting change and stability.

How DBT Is Delivered

Effective DBT treatment usually includes four coordinated modes:

  • Individual therapy: Weekly sessions with a clinician trained in DBT (often called DBT therapy). You and your therapist analyze patterns, rehearse DBT skills training, and track progress using a diary card.
  • Skills training group: A classroom-style group therapy format (sometimes called a skills training group) where patients learn and practice the four modules together.
  • Phone coaching: Brief, real-time support to apply skills during crises—before self-harm or substance use occurs.
  • Consultation team: A weekly meeting where DBT therapists support each other, maintain adherence, and refine interventions. (Some teams train through organizations like Behavioral Tech, founded by Linehan, to uphold evidence-based standards.)

Programs may run in outpatient clinics, intensive outpatient tracks, partial hospitalization programs, or inpatient units. Ask about the availability of phone coaching, how the diary card is used, and whether the therapist participates in a consultation team to ensure model fidelity.

Who Can Benefit From DBT?

Originally built for borderline personality disorder, DBT now supports people with:

  • Chronic suicidal ideation, suicidal behavior, and self-injury
  • Eating disorders (e.g., bulimia, binge eating)
  • Substance use disorders
  • Post-traumatic stress disorder and trauma-related symptoms
  • Depression, anxiety, ADHD, and adolescent emotion dysregulation

If you’ve tried CBT or other psychotherapy without lasting relief, DBT’s blend of validation, acceptance, and structured change may be a strong fit.

Is DBT Right for You?

DBT may be helpful if you:

  • Experience intense emotions or emotion dysregulation
  • Struggle with impulsivity, self-harm behaviors, or urges to use substances
  • Face rocky relationships or fear of abandonment
  • Want practical, skills-based tools you can use daily
  • Are ready to learn and practice new skills12 between therapy sessions

Finding Qualified DBT Providers

When contacting DBT providers, ask about:

  • Full program components (individual therapy, skills training group, phone coaching, consultation team)
  • Training (e.g., through Behavioral Tech) and supervision
  • Use of the diary card and treatment hierarchy (life-threatening behaviors first)
  • Experience with your concerns (e.g., BPD, PTSD, eating disorders, substance use disorders, adolescent care)
  • Setting (community health care, private practice, hospitalization options if needed), fees, and insurance

A qualified mental health professional—whether in psychology, psychiatry, or counseling—will be transparent about training, structure, and outcomes.

Your Path Forward With DBT

DBT is active and collaborative. It asks you to practice daily, use your diary card, try phone coaching when needed, and show up for group sessions. Expect small steps and celebrate them: using distress tolerance instead of self-harm, choosing opposite action over avoidance, or applying DEAR MAN to navigate a tough conversation. Over time, these moments add up to stability, stronger relationships, and a true life worth living.

Quick Glossary

  • DBT (dialectical behavior therapy): An evidence-based psychotherapy that blends validation and change to manage intense emotions.
  • Modules: Mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness.
  • Diary card: A daily tracker for emotions, urges, and dbt skills training practice.
  • Consultation team: A therapist support meeting to ensure dbt treatment fidelity.
  • CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy): A related cognitive-behavioral treatment approach; DBT is a specialized form.
  • BPD (borderline personality disorder): A condition with emotion dysregulation, impulsivity, and heightened risk for suicidal behavior.

How to Get Started

Ready to explore DBT? 

Connecting with a qualified clinician can help you learn new skills, reduce risk, and improve quality of life—one step at a time. Search DBT treatment providers in your area today.

FAQs

Q: What is dialectic behavioural therapy?

A: “Dialectic behavioural therapy” is the British spelling of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). DBT is an evidence-based psychotherapy that blends acceptance (mindfulness and validation) with change strategies (behavioral skills) to help people manage intense emotions, reduce harmful behaviors, and improve relationships.

Q: What is the difference between CBT and DBT?

A: Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) teaches you to notice and change unhelpful thoughts and behaviors. DBT is a specialized form of CBT that adds a strong focus on acceptance and real-life skills practice. It typically includes four skills modules, weekly individual therapy, a classroom-style skills group, between-session phone coaching, and a therapist consultation team that supports quality care.

Q: What are the four skills of DBT?

A: DBT skills training covers four modules you practice in and between sessions:

  • Mindfulness: Notice the present moment without judgment.
  • Distress tolerance: Get through crises safely without making things worse.
  • Emotion regulation: Understand, name, and shift emotions effectively.
  • Interpersonal effectiveness: Ask for what you need, set limits, and keep self-respect.

Q: What does DBT treat?

A: DBT was created for borderline personality disorder (BPD) and now helps with a wide range of mental health conditions linked to emotion dysregulation, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), eating disorders (such as bulimia nervosa and binge eating), substance use disorders, depression, anxiety, and problems like self-harm and suicidal ideation.

Q: Who benefits from dialectical behavior therapy?

A: People who experience intense emotions, impulsivity, frequent conflict in relationships, or urges toward self-injury or substance use often benefit from DBT. Many adolescent and adult programs are available in outpatient clinics, intensive outpatient settings, and inpatient units.

Q: Can you do dialectical behavior therapy on your own?

A: You can learn DBT skills from reputable workbooks and videos, and many people find that helpful. Still, full DBT is a structured program with individual therapy, skills training group, phone coaching, and a therapist consultation team. If you have safety concerns (like suicidal thoughts or self-harm), working with a trained clinician is strongly recommended.

Q: How much does DBT therapy cost?

A: Costs vary by location, provider training, and program type. Factors include:

  • Setting: Individual outpatient sessions vs. group-based programs or higher levels of care.
  • Insurance: In-network benefits, deductibles, and copays.
  • Program scope: Whether services include skills groups and phone coaching.
    Ask about sliding-scale fees, insurance coverage, and program scholarships.

Q: Is DBT effective for treating BPD?

A: Yes. DBT is an evidence-based treatment for BPD.13 Studies show it reduces suicidal behavior, self-injury, emergency visits, and hospitalizations while improving quality of life, emotion regulation, and relationships.

Q: Can trainees effectively deliver DBT for individuals with BPD?

A: They can—when they receive formal DBT training, weekly supervision, and participate in a DBT consultation team within a program that follows the model. Adherence to the structure (individual therapy, skills group, phone coaching, and consultation) matters as much as the therapist’s level of experience.

Q: How to seek DBT treatment

A: Look for providers who offer an adherent DBT program. Ask:

  • Do you offer all four modes (individual therapy, skills training group, phone coaching, consultation team)?
  • How are diary cards used?
  • What ages do you serve (adolescent vs. adult)?
  • What’s the typical length and schedule?
  • What insurance do you accept or what are the fees?

Q: How long does it take to see results from DBT?

A: It varies. Many patients notice early gains—such as better crisis coping or fewer impulsive behaviors—within several weeks of consistent skills practice. Broader changes in mood stability, relationships, and everyday functioning usually build over months.

Q: How long does dialectical behavior therapy typically last?

A: A common course runs six months to one year. Many programs teach the full set of skills over about 24 weeks and then repeat the cycle to help you deepen practice and apply skills to new situations.

Q: How long does a typical DBT program last?

A: Program length depends on your goals and risk level. Standard outpatient DBT often lasts 6–12 months; some patients continue longer for maintenance or transition to less intensive care once goals are met.

Q: When is someone ready to step down from DBT or reduce intensity?


Indicators might include: sustained reduction in life-threatening behaviors, regular use of DBT skills in daily life, ability to manage emotions with lower crisis frequency, meeting therapy goals, and stability in interpersonal areas. The article’s emphasis on “readiness” and gradual transition is good. Clinically, this is a collaborative decision based on risk assessment, client readiness, and therapist judgment.

Q: What to do if a patient doesn’t feel ready to step down even if clinical markers are met?


Approach that hesitation empathically. Use DBT’s validation stance: acknowledge fear of relapse or loss of support. Gradually plan a phased reduction rather than an abrupt ending. Encourage ongoing skills groups or “graduate” classes so clients maintain connection and support.

Q: How does planning differ with the first treatment episode versus an individual with multiple prior attempts?

A: For first-time clients, you might plan a “standard” DBT duration (6–12 months) with expected progression. For clients with multiple failed treatments or high complexity, you may plan for extended duration, booster phases, possible repeated curriculum rounds, or more intensive supervision. Use prior history to inform pacing, risks, relapse prevention strategies, and need for adjunctive interventions (e.g. trauma work, substance use integration).

Posted on

Perinatal Mental Health: 5 Factors That Affect How You Feel Post-Birth

Bringing a new life into the world, or even just anticipating its arrival, is often described as a joyous time. Yet, for many, this perinatal period is also marked by complex, sometimes overwhelming, emotions that can feel isolating and confusing. 

If you are experiencing feelings that contradict the narrative of constant happiness, please know that you are not alone. Your experiences are valid, and countless others share similar struggles.

What Is Perinatal Mental Health?

Perinatal mental health refers to your emotional and psychological well-being during pregnancy and the first year after childbirth. It encompasses a wide range of experiences, from the common “baby blues” to more severe and persistent mental health disorders. 

Essentially, it’s about how you feel, think, and cope as you navigate the profound changes of parenthood. It acknowledges that this period is not just physically transformative but also deeply impacts maternal mental health.

Health care providers now recognize that untreated perinatal mental health conditions, such as perinatal depression, postpartum depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and even postpartum psychosis, can affect both parents’ and children’s health.

Why Is It So Important to Talk About This Now?

For too long, patients suffered in silence. Today, we understand that addressing perinatal mental health is crucial for several reasons:

  • It directly impacts maternal health and overall well-being.
  • It influences your baby’s development, pediatric outcomes, and family harmony.
  • Evidence-based interventions help you access mental health care, heal, and thrive.

By talking about perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs), clinicians, mental health professionals, and organizations like Postpartum Support International (PSI) are helping to reduce stigma and increase awareness.

Navigating the Perinatal Period: What to Expect

The “perinatal period” begins with conception, continues throughout pregnancy, and lasts through the postpartum period—up to the first year after birth. This time involves rapid physical and psychological change. You are not expected to simply “bounce back.” Recovery and adjustment take time, and support is essential.

The Spectrum of Emotions: Beyond “Baby Blues”

The “baby blues” are common in the early postnatal days but typically pass quickly. If sadness, anxiety, or guilt persist beyond two weeks or interfere with daily functioning, depression screening tools may reveal more serious conditions such as perinatal depression or postpartum depression.

Common Perinatal Mental Health Conditions You Might Experience

During the perinatal period, patients may experience a range of mental health conditions that vary in severity. Some, like perinatal depression or anxiety, are relatively common, while others, such as postpartum psychosis, are rare but require urgent care. 

Here is a list of common perinatal conditions that are medical—not personal failings—and they are treatable with the right support. 

Perinatal Depression

Perinatal depression2 includes both antenatal (during pregnancy) and postpartum depression (after birth). Symptoms include sadness, hopelessness, guilt, loss of interest, and fatigue. Depression screening during obstetrics and gynecology visits, or through pediatrics in the first year, is a critical initiative supported by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG).

Perinatal Anxiety

Excessive worry that disrupts daily life is common in pregnant or postpartum women.3 Psychotherapy, social support, and behavioral health interventions can help manage this increased risk.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Perinatal OCD4 involves distressing, intrusive thoughts about harm coming to the baby. Compulsions, such as checking or cleaning, may follow. Screening tools help clinicians distinguish between normal new-parent worries and OCD.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Birth Trauma

Difficult or frightening birth experiences can result in PTSD.5 Patients may experience flashbacks, nightmares, or avoidance of reminders of the birth experience. Peer support groups, psychotherapy, and trauma-focused treatment options are effective interventions.

Bipolar Disorder in the Perinatal Period

Pregnant women or postpartum women with a history of bipolar disorder face an increased risk of relapse.6 Collaboration with psychiatry and health care providers is essential for safe, evidence-based treatment options.

Postpartum Psychosis

This rare but urgent mental illness may begin in the first weeks of the postpartum period. Postpartum psychosis is considered a psychiatric emergency.7 If you experience hallucinations, delusions, or paranoia, seek out immediate psychiatric care; you may need hospitalization in an outpatient or inpatient setting.

Factors That Influence Perinatal Mental Health

1. Biological: Hormonal Changes, Sleep Deprivation, and Physical Recovery

Pregnancy and the postpartum period bring dramatic hormonal fluctuations.8 Estrogen and progesterone levels rise during pregnancy and fall rapidly after birth, contributing to mood instability and increased risk for perinatal depression and anxiety. Physical recovery from childbirth, chronic sleep deprivation, and pain can also worsen emotional well-being.

2. Psychological: Identity Shifts, Perfectionism, and the Pressure to “Do It All”

Becoming a parent involves profound identity changes.9 Patients often face internal and external pressure to be a “perfect” parent, which can heighten stress and increase vulnerability to perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. Unrealistic expectations, combined with previous experiences of low self-esteem or unresolved trauma, may amplify psychological distress.

3. Social: Lack of Social Support, Financial Strain, or Poor Birth Experience

Social support is one of the strongest protective factors10 for maternal mental health. When patients lack practical or emotional support from partners, family, or community, they are at greater risk of depression and anxiety. Stressors such as financial hardship, unstable housing, or a negative birth experience (including obstetric complications or perceived lack of respectful care) can further increase risk.

4. History: Past Trauma or Mental Health Disorders Increase Vulnerability

Patients with a personal or family history of mental health disorders11—such as depression, bipolar disorder, or PTSD—face an increased risk of perinatal relapse or new episodes. Past trauma, including childhood adversity or birth trauma, can resurface during pregnancy and the postpartum period, making screening tools and early interventions essential.

Maternal Health and Co-Occurring Substance Use Disorders

Substance use disorders can overlap with perinatal mental health conditions, complicating diagnosis and treatment. Pregnant women with untreated substance use12 face barriers to seeking care due to stigma, legal concerns, and fear of losing custody. Integrated behavioral health programs that address both substance use and mental health conditions improve outcomes for maternal health and child health.

Taking the First Step: How to Seek Help

Talk to Health Care Providers

Your obstetrics, gynecology, or pediatrics team is often your first line of support. Clinicians may use depression screening or other tools to identify perinatal mental health conditions. From there, they can provide a referral to psychiatry, psychotherapy, or other mental health professionals. Medicaid and private insurance often cover these services.

Build Social Support

Support groups, peer support programs, and online communities can offer connection and reduce feelings of isolation. Organizations like PSI offer toolkits, webinars, and initiatives that connect postpartum women and pregnant women to help.

Explore Treatment Options

Evidence-based interventions include psychotherapy (such as cognitive behavioral therapy and interpersonal therapy), medication management, and peer support. Outpatient care and integrated behavioral health programs ensure access to comprehensive treatment options.

Empower Yourself: Practical Strategies for Well-Being

  • Prioritize self-care during the first year after childbirth.
  • Set realistic expectations to ease pressure.
  • Connect with social support networks for encouragement.
  • Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques for calm.
  • Explore individualized treatment options to get the help you need and deserve.

Remember, You Deserve Support

Perinatal mental health conditions are common and treatable. With the right care—whether through psychiatry, psychotherapy, peer support, or community initiatives—you can recover. 

If you are struggling, remember: seeking help is not weakness. It is a step toward healing for both you and your child. Support is waiting for you.

Ready to Find Help?

If you or someone you love is experiencing perinatal mental health challenges, you don’t have to face them alone. Recovery.com connects you with qualified mental health professionals, support groups, and treatment options designed for this critical stage.

Find compassionate, evidence-based perinatal mental health treatment near you.

FAQs

Q: What are the two most common perinatal mental health conditions?

A: The two most common conditions are perinatal depression (including postpartum depression) and perinatal anxiety. Together, these perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) affect up to 1 in 5 patients during pregnancy13 and the postpartum period.

Q: What are red flags in perinatal mental health?


A: Red flags include persistent sadness, overwhelming anxiety, loss of interest in daily life, intrusive or obsessive thoughts, difficulty bonding with your baby, or thoughts of harming yourself or your child. Immediate support from health care providers is essential if these symptoms appear.

Q: What is the difference between perinatal and maternal mental health?

A: Perinatal mental health focuses on emotional well-being during pregnancy through the first year after birth. Maternal mental health is a broader term that refers to mental health throughout motherhood, beyond the perinatal period.

Q: What is the difference between prenatal and perinatal?

A: Prenatal refers only to the time before birth (during pregnancy). Perinatal includes the entire pregnancy plus the postpartum period, extending through your baby’s first year.

Q: How can I find help for perinatal depression?

A: Talk to your obstetrician, gynecologist, pediatrician, or another health care provider. They can use screening tools, provide referrals, and recommend evidence-based treatment options such as psychotherapy, medication, or peer support.

Q: Does brief psychotherapy with distressed pregnant women benefit mother and baby?

A: Yes. Research shows that brief psychotherapy interventions during pregnancy can reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety, improve maternal well-being, and positively influence infant outcomes, including bonding and development.

Q: How does perinatal mental health affect babies and toddlers?

A: A parent’s mental health can influence child development, attachment, and emotional regulation. Early interventions and strong social support help protect babies and toddlers from negative impacts.

Q: What are the signs of perinatal anxiety and depression?

A: Signs include constant worry, sadness, irritability, fatigue, sleep changes, intrusive thoughts, or feeling disconnected from your baby. These symptoms may appear during pregnancy or in the postpartum period.

Q: What are the signs and symptoms of perinatal anxiety?

A: Perinatal anxiety may include restlessness, racing thoughts, panic attacks, physical tension, and excessive fears about your baby’s health or your parenting abilities. Unlike normal worry, these symptoms are persistent and interfere with daily life.

Q: How can partners support someone experiencing perinatal mental health issues?

A: Partners can provide practical help (like household tasks or childcare), encourage open conversations, offer emotional reassurance, and attend health care or support group appointments together. Peer support and education through initiatives like Postpartum Support International can also empower families.