Back in my first article, I shared a condensed overview of my life since 2012, when my mental illness fully reared its ugly head. I have suspicions that I had my first manic episode when I was 25, and just went through the years up until 2021 thinking things were just filled with “Andreaness”. I was fun, I did have high energy, and that would have been ok, if the bad behaviors and other negative parts of mania weren’t along for the ride. As I was coming into stability with my mental health, I struggled a lot (and still do sometimes) with second guessing if the way I am is really me, like who I’m made up of, or if it’s mania again. I have come to learn, and I’ll write about this more in a different article, that I AM a fun, wild and funny person down to my core, and while mental illness and medication dulled that for years, I am free to live as the authentic me. Quirks and all.
Slowly Realizing My Problem Drinking Behavior
I bring this up, because during my journey, sobriety slapped me across the face and made me pay attention. This was April 16, 2018. I had found my psychiatric provider who saved my life by figuring out my meds, which were starting to work. But I was still struggling daily and didn’t understand why. On April 16, 2018, I started drinking around 2 pm, as we had gotten a late season snowstorm the day before, my kids and husband weren’t home, and I had nowhere to be.
Even though my kids would be home soon I felt I needed more, so I decided to walk through the hip-high snow to the Kwik Trip down the street. I knew my mom would be bringing my girls home from school shortly, and I didn’t want her to see me. Naturally, right?
I ended up getting stuck in a snowback in Kwik Trip’s driveway, getting pulled out by my mom and kids, lying that I was there to buy water, and sneaking home with the liquor I intended to get. In another instance I quite literally pushed past my husband and daughter to again procure more alcohol, even driving inebriated to get it. I can’t exactly remember what happened those nights, but I know how I felt in the morning.
Rising Anxiety and Remorse Were My Stepping Stones to Change
When I woke up the next day, hungover as hell, I had feelings of horrible anxiety, regret and fear, feelings I was not a stranger to. Every “next day” I struggled to put the pieces together, to go through my phone and see who I texted or called, see the pictures I took or received, to try and squelch the pounding anxiety in my chest (and in my head. Oof.).
That “next day” though, I also had a new feeling in me. The feeling that I never wanted anything like the day prior to happen again. Any of it. I had felt feelings of remorse or guilt before, much like I was feeling in that moment, but this new feeling got me. Many mornings after I had told myself I wasn’t gonna drink anymore, but knew that wasn’t true. This time, it felt true.
Starting My Journey of Recovery: Moving Forward Without Looking Back
I haven’t taken a drink since that night and the 17th of each month serves as a reminder of the best decision I ever made…and still make daily. Sometimes by the minute. I am approaching my 6 year 10 month soberversary and one truth I will lay on you, as it was unbeknownst to me, is that no matter how long you’ve been sober, it will always be a conscious choice to actively make, and that choice is only yours.
Sobriety isn’t easy, and maybe it gets easier once you get to 10 years? 15 years? 20 years? I don’t know that. But I do know that making this choice has never let me down, never had me waking up in a panic and has never caused my relationships to be tested.
My sobriety has allowed for coffee on Sunday mornings, not aspirin, electrolytes and hiding in my room all day sleeping it off. My mental health improved when I stopped drinking, as the alcohol was not mixing with my meds or my wonky brain well. My eyes actually sparkle, they aren’t dull and filled with despair. Sobriety has given me everything I didn’t know I needed, as well as everything I did know I needed. I have had many regrets over my life, me choosing sobriety isn’t one of them.
Please know there are resources out there, many of which are right on this site. Please know you are worthy of the life you deserve. And please know, you are not alone.
How I’ve Stuck with My Decision Amidst Challenges
After we have had time to heal from the traumas alcoholism caused us and we look through sober lenses, sometimes it is easier to talk about our illness, at least for me it is. I talk and I write about living alcohol-free very openly, as even if only one person finds what I have to say helpful, I have succeeded.
Some may call me an expert on sobriety, and while I am an expert at being an alcoholic, I am not an expert on what works to stay sober for everyone. I know what it has taken over the past 6+ years for me to stay sober and that may work for you as well, but there are many other paths out there. The important thing is you give it a try. And keep trying. It’s an active decision every day, every minute sometimes, but I have never once felt like not drinking wasn’t worth it.
It’s Not Always Easy, But It’s Always Worth It
You may perhaps think that after that long, it must be easy. I must never think about alcohol, have urges, I must just go through life just simply not drinking. But if you do think that, with as much gentleness I can muster, you are wrong. Let me tell you a little story:
About 6 months ago, just after I celebrated my 6 year soberversary, I had a dream. I dream almost every night, so that in and of itself is not the shocker. This dream, however, was nothing like I had ever experienced. You know how dreams don’t always make sense, the time shifts, the surroundings shift, the people in them change, they are fluid and random at times? However, this dream messed with me…BADLY. I dreamt that I drank. Secretly. It really scared me and I am still struggling to shake it, 6 months later.
Since that night I still haven’t been able to get those sensations and actions out of my head.
So How Have I Been Staying Sober With This Going On?
It’s been a struggle. I was going through shoulder surgery, was on narcotic pain meds and was stuck on the couch due to pain and the surgery itself. I had my rotator cuff repaired, and man, if that doesn’t make you want to drink, I don’t know what does it for you. I was stressed and scared and not in a great mental state, and now I had this dream that sent me spiraling. Here’s what I did.
The Importance of Letting Others In and Finding New Ways to Cope
I first talked about it to my husband. I didn’t keep quiet, I didn’t suffer in silence, I let him in. It felt so great not having the burden of worry to carry all by myself. Sometimes we think telling others of our problems is bad, but for me, talking is key.
We talked, well I talked, he listened, and I wasn’t alone anymore. I spent so many years hiding things, lying, not being my true authentic self, and I refuse to do that any longer. I let people in, and without my circle, I would not be who I am today. Michael is my anchor, and with him on my side, I am so much better off. He’s a great man, and after all I put him through, he stayed. So yes, I will lean on this man, tell him my worries and I know he will catch me and help me get through.
After conversing for a while, I knew I needed a distraction. Something to keep the cravings at bay. I found it, and it works for the most part, but it isn’t a solution that works for everyone.
My Alternative Option to Alcohol Use
I chose to go back to my e-cigarette and use that as my “buffer” and a tool for my recovery. Is picking up a different habit the best way to handle getting over thoughts of a different bad habit? For me, it has been.
What it does is take the thought away from alcohol and replace it with something else; something that hasn’t ruined my life or caused me trouble. I have an addict brain, and when the time comes and I feel stronger, quitting the e-cigarettes will be difficult too, but I actively am taking that risk, knowing the alternative would be life altering in a bad way.
I also talked to my therapist (which reminds me, I need to schedule another appointment, thank you Recovery.com!). Not that I needed permission to fall back into an old habit I knew it was working for me, but for her to say that finding a way to redirect myself was key. I am in no way telling you to go out and buy a pack of cigarettes to be sober. What I’m saying is you need to find what works for you to redirect those cravings and very realistic feelings. Being an addict is hard, but it is how my brain operates, and I have to learn to respect that and treat it.
Finding What Works for Me, and Reminding Myself of What Recovery Gives Me
Still, even with my “tool” (yes, I’m calling it a tool), I have been getting cravings. When the feelings and thoughts come, I must redirect my thought process. I remind myself of why I chose sobriety. I remind myself that it was a decision I made, for my well-being, which in turn helps my family’s well-being. I tell myself that without living the sober life, I would not have a relationship with my kids and I definitely would not be able to spend time with my grandkids.
I wouldn’t have the career I never thought I’d have, because I would be drinking during my workday, and I would be too hungover to do anything most days. I would probably spend time in jail for a DUI, or God forbid vehicular manslaughter. I would not be the voice I am for mental illness and substance abuse, and I certainly wouldn’t be Board President of my local NAMI affiliate. Living alcohol free provides me with the most amazing opportunities and if I give in and give up, all of that goes away.
Those are big reasons to stay in my lane and right now, that works for me. I also find other ways to focus my brain, like making candles, binge-watching ridiculous dating shows, and spending time with my loved ones. I don’t keep quiet, because alcoholism is a heavy thing to carry by yourself. I need to know I’m not going through this alone, and I think you need to know that too. You can find resources and help right here on this site.
Whatever treatment path you take, commit and never forget your reasons for choosing sobriety in the first place. They will keep you grounded and focused and reignite the flame you light when you decide to not drink or use again.
