Category: Podcasts

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Addiction and Depression: Aaron’s 8 Ways to Find Hope and Transform Your Life

The journey through addiction and depression can feel like an unending night, where the light at the end of the tunnel is a cruel mirage. Yet, as countless individuals have discovered, and as Aaron eloquently shares, hope is not merely a wish; it’s a tangible outcome of courage and connection. His story, born from the depths of personal struggle and illuminated by the devastating loss of a loved one, offers a profound testament to the power of vulnerability, community, and unwavering commitment to self-care. It’s a journey from hidden shame to open acceptance, demonstrating that even when the path ahead seems impossible, there are guiding lights to lead the way.

1. The Unexpected Catalyst for Change: Finding Hope Amidst Loss

For many grappling with substance abuse, the realization that change is necessary often comes from a deeply personal and painful place. For Aaron, that catalyst arrived in the most tragic form: the overdose death of his cousin. “The day after Thanksgiving,” Aaron recounts, “I found out my cousin had overdosed on heroin and he died… Sunday I woke up and I said, I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be the next one to die in our family.” This harrowing experience, while devastating, became the turning point that propelled him toward seeking help, despite his prior reluctance to admit his struggles.

Before this pivotal moment, Aaron, like many, held onto the belief that his drinking was merely a coping mechanism for sleep, an ingrained habit rather than a serious problem. He made “a million excuses why I wasn’t an alcoholic” and was “scared to admit that I was an alcoholic.” This internal conflict is a common thread in addiction, where denial acts as a powerful barrier to recovery. The loss of his cousin, however, shattered this denial, providing a stark and undeniable reflection of his own precarious situation. It was a wake-up call that forced him to confront the potential consequences of his unchecked substance use.

In a poignant admission, Aaron shares, “I didn’t think I was ready to be done drinking, but he was my hope.” This highlights a crucial aspect of recovery: sometimes, the impetus for change isn’t a sudden desire for sobriety, but an external force that, however painful, illuminates the urgency of the situation. His cousin, though absent, became a spiritual guide and a “higher power” in his recovery journey through Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). This unexpected source of hope underscores the profound impact that even difficult experiences can have in setting individuals on a path toward healing and self-discovery.

2. Unpacking the Intertwined Nature of Addiction and Mental Health

Aaron’s journey powerfully illustrates the inseparable link between substance use disorder and mental health challenges, specifically depression. While he initially sought help for his alcohol abuse, he readily acknowledges that depression played “a huge part of my story as well.” This duality is a common reality for many, where one condition often exacerbates or conceals the other. As the podcast host aptly puts it, “you can’t separate them… it’s trying to take the salt out of the stew to act like they’re different things.”

Aaron’s struggles with depression began at a young age, around 13 or 14, when he “didn’t feel normal” and even contemplated suicide. He initially sought therapy, but the discomfort of confronting his internal struggles led him to prematurely discontinue treatment. “It’s not comfortable feeling uncomfortable,” he admits, explaining how he told his parents he was no longer suicidal, even though he continued to struggle internally. This avoidance of discomfort later fueled his reliance on alcohol.

His drinking evolved from social high school experimentation to a deeply ingrained coping mechanism for his worsening depression. He describes a pervasive internal struggle, where his mind “doesn’t shut off” at night. Alcohol became a means to silence the relentless thoughts and induce sleep, a desperate attempt to find peace. “I just thought it was easier just to pick up a bottle and start drinking and eventually I would pass out,” he explains. This insidious cycle, where alcohol provided temporary relief while simultaneously deepening his depression, is a hallmark of co-occurring disorders. It wasn’t until he fully committed to addressing both his addiction and his mental health in rehab that he began to find genuine and sustainable relief.

Explore treatment options for alcohol addiction and depression.

3. The Progression of Addiction: From Social Drinking to Secret Shame

Aaron’s narrative provides a clear illustration of how addiction can insidiously take root and escalate. What began as casual social drinking in high school and college, where he “would get hungover and hated drinking,” gradually transformed into a pervasive and secretive habit. The shift occurred during his ten years living in Chicago, particularly while working at Cook County Juvenile Detention. The immense stress of his job, coupled with difficulties in his personal relationship, created fertile ground for his substance use to intensify.

His routine evolved into stopping at the grocery store for a pint of Fireball before even reaching home, a clear sign of escalating dependence. This marked the beginning of a descent into closet drinking, a common behavior among those struggling with addiction who wish to conceal the extent of their problem. He became “embarrassed of myself” and actively sought to avoid social situations where his drinking might be exposed. This clandestine consumption led to a life of constant deception.

The internal monologue of an active addiction is vividly portrayed by Aaron: “You would wake up and that’s kind of what was on your mind is when can I get my next drink?” During work, he would eagerly anticipate five o’clock, the moment he could escape to the liquor store. Even on weekends, his mornings began with immediate drinking, often leading to passing out by late morning and then resuming consumption in the afternoon. Despite this extreme pattern, he rationalized his behavior by pointing to his ability to maintain a job and avoid calling in sick. The perceived normalcy of his weekday drinking, which he believed “was only to help me sleep,” further masked the severity of his addiction. This deep dive into the inner workings of his addiction underscores the deceptive nature of the disease, where rationalization and secrecy become powerful tools for self-preservation, even as the addiction consumes one’s life.

4. The Transformative Power of Rehab: A Safe Haven for Vulnerability

Despite his initial apprehension, Aaron’s decision to enter rehab after his cousin’s death proved to be a pivotal turning point in his recovery. Within days of making the call to his sister, he was “flying out to California to go to rehab.” What he found there was a stark contrast to any preconceived notions he might have held about such facilities. Instead of a punitive or isolating environment, rehab became a “safe bubble” where vulnerability was not just accepted but encouraged.

“I didn’t know what rehab was going to be like,” Aaron explains, “And so when I went to rehab, it was just completely eye-opening that people were talking about their problems and that it was okay to be vulnerable and it was okay to share your story.” This revelation—the power of shared experience—was deeply impactful. As he listened to others’ stories, he found himself recognizing his own struggles reflected in their narratives, prompting the realization, “I need to be here.”

Rehab also served as his introduction to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Initially shy and unfamiliar with the program, he quickly embraced the principles of honesty and openness. The environment fostered a sense of belonging and understanding that had been sorely missing in his isolated existence. It was in this space that he learned fundamental truths that continue to guide his recovery: “That it’s okay to talk about being an alcoholic. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to cry.” This profound shift from hiding his shame to embracing his truth was a cornerstone of his healing process, laying the groundwork for a life of authenticity and sobriety.

5. Building a Robust Recovery Toolbox: Strategies for Long-Term Sobriety and Mental Wellness

Recovery, as Aaron’s experience demonstrates, is an ongoing process that requires a multifaceted approach. He emphasizes the importance of having a diverse “toolbox” of strategies and resources to navigate the complexities of daily life while maintaining sobriety and managing mental health. At the core of his toolkit is the community and unwavering support of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). “The community of AA and the people that are in recovery,” he states, “have saved my life.” He fondly recalls the powerful message he received in early recovery: “We will love you till you can love yourself.” This unconditional acceptance and support proved vital in a time when he struggled to believe in his own worth.

Beyond the vital role of AA meetings and his sponsor, Aaron incorporates specific practices into his daily routine to combat depression. He highlights the importance of simple yet impactful actions, such as opening his shades immediately upon waking and making his bed. These seemingly small acts represent a deliberate rejection of the darkness and stagnation that characterized his depressed state. He actively seeks sunlight and outdoor experiences, recognizing their positive impact on his mood. “I need to go outside or I need to call one of my friends,” he explains, understanding the importance of connection and breaking cycles of isolation.

Crucially, Aaron emphasizes the proactive management of his depression through medication, a step he initially resisted but now embraces as essential. He also communicates openly with his wife about his mental state, ensuring he has support to prevent spiraling into negative thought patterns. This awareness of his triggers and the implementation of preventative measures are critical for his well-term mental wellness. His dedication to “running a program” for his alcohol recovery—attending meetings, staying in touch with his sponsor, and prioritizing his family—shows a comprehensive commitment to a healthy, sober life. These combined strategies underscore the fact that sustained recovery is not a singular event but a continuous journey of self-awareness, proactive care, and reliance on a supportive network.

6. Embracing the Present: Living 24 Hours at a Time

A fundamental principle guiding Aaron’s recovery is the practice of living “24 hours at a time.” This approach, deeply ingrained in AA philosophy, shifts the focus from overwhelming projections about the future to managing the present moment. For someone who once grappled with suicidal ideation and the constant obsession of addiction, this daily focus provides a manageable framework for sustained sobriety and mental well-being. “I don’t look too far ahead,” Aaron explains. “If I hit my head on the pillow at night and I’m sober, it’s a good day.”

This philosophy allows him to appreciate the simple joys and accomplishments of each day, rather than being burdened by anxieties about the distant future. It’s about finding gratitude in the small victories: “I got to give my son a kiss goodnight. I got to give my kiss, uh, wife a kiss goodnight.” These moments, once overshadowed by the darkness of addiction and depression, now represent the profound beauty of his recovered life.

Living in the present also empowers him to actively engage with his mental health. While he acknowledges that negative thoughts will “constantly come” due to his long history with depression, he has developed a strategy to counteract them: “Once a negative thought comes, I need to say a hundred positive things.” This demanding but essential practice reinforces his commitment to self-care and mental resilience. By staying present and continually working on himself, Aaron ensures he can “show up for myself” and, by extension, for his family. This mindful approach to life stands in stark contrast to his past, where he was consumed by shame, secrecy, and the relentless pursuit of his next drink.

7. The Liberation of Openness: Breaking the Chains of Shame and Isolation

One of the most transformative aspects of Aaron’s recovery has been the ability to shed the pervasive shame that once defined his existence. For years, he hid his struggles with both depression and alcohol, creating a dual life where his outward presentation masked intense internal turmoil. He would drink lightly with friends, only to return home and “always had a bottle at home” to satiate his anxiety and addiction. This constant deception was a heavy burden, fueled by embarrassment and a reluctance to admit his problems.

The contrast between his former isolated self and his current openness is striking. In AA, he finds a space where “I can go and I can share what’s on my mind, and you leave the meeting feeling a million times lighter.” This stark difference highlights the power of shared vulnerability and the supportive community that AA provides. He expresses a profound desire for a similar space for mental health journeys, recognizing the “so beneficial” impact it would have for “so many people just to let the slightest thing off their mind.”

Now, he talks freely and comfortably about being an alcoholic and managing his depression. This newfound openness is not only liberating for him but also serves as an inspiration to others. He is no longer “ashamed anymore” and understands that his past experiences have led him to a place of gratitude and authenticity. By sharing his story, Aaron actively works to prevent others from walking “in the shoes that I did for so many years.” The act of admitting his struggles has dissolved the shame, replacing it with a sense of purpose and a desire to help others find their own path to liberation and recovery. This profound shift from secrecy to transparency is a testament to the healing power of honesty and connection.

8. The Hopeful Horizon: A Life Reimagined

Aaron’s journey culminates in a life that, just a few years prior, seemed utterly unattainable. His addiction and depression had led him to a point where he genuinely “didn’t think that I was gonna be here when I was 35 years old.” Now, at 38, he celebrates his sobriety as a rebirth, likening it to “turned three years old.” This metaphor encapsulates the profound transformation he has undergone, a complete recalibration of his existence.

He reflects on the tangible blessings that have entered his life since embracing recovery: a wife, a two-and-a-half-year-old son, and a rekindled relationship with his family. During the depths of his addiction, he constantly “lied to ’em” and kept his distance, driven by a misguided desire to protect them from his self-destructive behavior. “I wanted to keep my distance because I didn’t wanna hurt him,” he recalls. Now, trust has been rebuilt, and he can confidently say he will “show up and they know that I’m gonna be there and I’m not lying about anything.” This honesty and reliability are gifts not only to his loved ones but also to himself, allowing him to “just live an honest life where it’s just not constant. Did I do this or did I do that?”

The internal shift is equally profound. While he continues to work on his depression in therapy, the “obsession of alcohol has been lifted,” allowing him to dedicate his energy to mental well-being. He recognizes that his negative thoughts are a battle he will face lifelong, but he now possesses the tools and the will to confront them. His gratitude for his current life is palpable, a stark contrast to the despair he once felt. Aaron’s story is a powerful reminder that even from the darkest depths, a life rich with purpose, love, and authenticity is not only possible but within reach for those willing to take the courageous step towards help.

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Kat Sorensen Journey from Chaotic Addiction to Thriving Powerhouse

The path to recovery is rarely straight. For many, it’s a winding road filled with detours, unexpected turns, and moments of profound clarity. Kat Sorensen, CEO of Laguna Shores Treatment Center, founder of Chains to Change, and content creator known as SoCalKattt, embodies this journey. With nearly a decade of sobriety, Kat’s story is a powerful testament to healing with compassion, structure, and integrity, highlighting the transformative power of community in achieving lasting recovery.

Kat’s story, shared on Recoverycast with host Brittani Baynard, offers invaluable insights into the insidious nature of addiction and the profound liberation that comes with confronting it head-on. From a high-performing tech sales executive and competitive bodybuilder battling alcohol and prescription drug addiction to a beacon of hope in the recovery community, Kat’s experiences illuminate key aspects of addiction and the recovery process.

Unraveling the Roots of Early Addiction

Kat’s journey began not in a tumultuous home, but in a stable, middle-class environment with loving parents. Yet, from a young age, a profound sense of loneliness and discomfort in her own skin shadowed her. This internal struggle became the fertile ground for addiction to take root.

Her first experience with alcohol at age 12 was a revelation. While her friends sipped, Kat “gulp[ed] as fast as [she could].” The immediate effect was a powerful sense of peace and belonging. “As soon as I started to feel this, like, it was like this piece,” she recalls. “It was like, oh my god. I’ve been waiting for this for like 10 years. Like, I have needed this for like 10 years, and I started to really feel okay in my own skin.” This early experience, coupled with a fantastical first kiss, cemented alcohol’s association with ultimate relief and desire fulfillment.

This narrative highlights a critical point: addiction often stems from an attempt to self-medicate underlying emotional pain or discomfort. Even in the absence of overt trauma, feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, or an inability to cope with intense emotions can drive individuals toward substances that offer temporary solace. Kat’s story underscores that a seemingly perfect upbringing doesn’t inoculate against these internal struggles.

The Chameleon Effect: Mastering High-Functioning Addiction

A hallmark of Kat’s early addiction was her ability to maintain a double life. As a varsity athlete who also frequented parties, she became adept at being a “chameleon,” seamlessly blending into different social circles and managing her substance use while excelling in other areas of her life. This early mastery of high-functioning addiction allowed her to rationalize and conceal the growing problem.

She learned to manage her alcohol consumption alongside her responsibilities as an athlete and student. This ability to appear functional, even successful, on the surface is a common characteristic of high-functioning addicts. It often delays intervention because the outward signs of struggle are not immediately apparent. Kat’s experience demonstrates how early in life, individuals can develop sophisticated coping mechanisms that, while allowing them to navigate daily life, simultaneously entrench their addictive behaviors. This period of her life underscores the deceptive nature of addiction – it can thrive in the shadows of apparent normalcy.

The Illusion of a “God-Shaped Hole” and the Reality of Untreated Addiction

In her late teens, Kat experienced a profound spiritual transformation. Attending church and embracing a new community, she found a sense of belonging and peace that initially mirrored the relief she sought from alcohol. She married young, eschewed drinking, and for a time, found solace in her faith. However, this period also revealed a critical insight into untreated addiction: it often manifests in other behaviors.

Kat stopped drinking in college but began running “insane” distances—10, 12, even 15 miles a day. This seemingly healthy activity became a new outlet for her unaddressed inner turmoil. As she aptly puts it, “I just transferred my addiction to that.” This phenomenon, known as cross-addiction or addiction transfer, is common in untreated individuals. If the underlying spiritual, emotional, or psychological issues driving the addiction are not addressed, the addictive energy will simply find a new outlet.

The Misconceptions of Alcoholism: Beyond Daily Drinking

When her first husband suggested she was an alcoholic, Kat dismissed it. Her understanding of alcoholism, like many, was narrow: “people imagine an alcoholic is somebody who drinks daily, someone who, um, gets DUIs. Someone who can’t hold a normal job, someone who can’t graduate from school, somebody who can’t be in a normal relationship.” She could go months without drinking, seemingly disproving his assertion.

This common misconception underscores the subtle and pervasive nature of the disease. Alcoholism isn’t solely defined by the frequency or quantity of consumption, but by the mental obsession and loss of control once drinking begins. Kat’s frustration with only having “one glass of wine” and the subsequent “mental gymnastics” she underwent to get more perfectly illustrate this point.

“That is the allergy of alcoholism is that one drink sets off the mental obsession,” Kat clarifies. This “allergy,” unlike a physical reaction to shellfish, manifests in the mind, making self-diagnosis crucial. Only the individual truly understands the compulsive thoughts and behaviors triggered by that first drink.

Explore alcohol addiction treatment options.

The Progression of the Disease: From “College Thing” to Catastrophe

After a period of sobriety, Kat returned to drinking during a sales conference, rationalizing it as a way to fit in with her new corporate environment. This return, however, was not a gentle reintroduction but a re-ignition of the “allergy.”

“That thing that has been waiting for me because my disease of alcoholism is progressive. It’s fatal. It wants me dead, but it will settle for me drunk,” Kat powerfully states. This progressive nature meant that her addiction picked up precisely where it left off, quickly escalating. What began as an innocent “open bar” soon led to blackouts, infidelity, and the breakdown of her marriage. The consequences mounted, proving that once the “allergy” is triggered, it reasserts its power, often with greater intensity.

Kat’s repeated attempts to externalize the problem—blaming her job, her marriage, even her age—are characteristic of addiction. The thought of stopping drinking was never an option, even in the face of devastating consequences.

Geographical Cures and the Persistence of the Problem

In a desperate attempt to salvage her marriage and escape the spiraling consequences of her drinking, Kat quit her job and moved to a small mountain town, believing a change of scenery would solve her problems. This concept of a “geographical cure” is a common but ultimately futile strategy in addiction.

As Kat quickly discovered, “we believed that a move would change me and within like, I don’t know, maybe the first two months of being there, I’m doing cocaine with my client.” The external change failed to address the internal struggle. Addiction isn’t about location; it’s about the individual’s relationship with substances and their underlying coping mechanisms. No matter where Kat went, her untreated addiction followed, only escalating in severity, from alcohol to cocaine and eventually Molly. This illustrates that true recovery requires an internal shift, not just an external relocation.

Lowering Standards and the Deceptive Nature of Active Addiction

As Kat’s addiction progressed, her moral compass began to spin wildly out of control. Her candid admission, “lowering my standards faster than I could violate them,” perfectly captures the destructive trajectory of active addiction. The values and boundaries she once held dear eroded, replaced by a relentless pursuit of the next high.

“The things that I said I would never do, I was doing on a daily basis,” she recounts. This includes running off to Mexico with a stranger, using drugs daily at work, and even transporting illegal substances on planes. The sheer recklessness and disregard for personal safety highlight the profound cognitive distortions that occur in active addiction. The disease’s grip becomes so strong that it overrides reason, self-preservation, and personal integrity. Kat’s ability to maintain a veneer of functionality while engaging in increasingly dangerous behaviors underscores the deceptive power of addiction.

The Necessity of Confrontation and the Power of External Intervention

Even as her life spiraled, Kat’s cunning enabled her to navigate increasingly perilous situations, from driving intoxicated to transporting drugs. She believed a move to California and a fresh start would finally be the answer. Yet, even as she unloaded her belongings, the lure of old habits presented itself.

What finally broke the cycle wasn’t self-will or another geographical cure, but the intervention of someone who forced her to slow down and confront her reality. “Someone made you slow down. Yes. Someone made you slow down. Yes. And do something I didn’t want to do,” Kat admits. This external push, often from a sponsor, therapist, or loved one, is frequently a catalyst for change. It’s a moment where the addict is no longer able to outrun or rationalize their disease and is compelled to look inward. For Kat, this meant confronting the deeply ingrained patterns of self-will and beginning the rigorous process of self-inventory.

The Role of Community and Compassion in Healing

Kat’s journey through the 12-Step program and her current role in the recovery community underscore the vital role of community, compassion, and integrity in lasting recovery. When she initially sought help, her instinct was to escape her marriage. But her sponsor, recognizing the self-will driving this decision, urged her to pause and do the hard work of inventory. This gentle yet firm guidance prevented a rash decision and initiated a deeper healing process.

Today, Kat leads Laguna Shores Treatment Center and has founded Chains to Change, an online community dedicated to recovery. These initiatives highlight her commitment to providing the same support and structure that were instrumental in her own sobriety. Recovery is not a solitary endeavor; it thrives in environments of shared experience, mutual support, and non-judgmental guidance. The ability to connect with others who understand the struggle and to give back to the recovery community is a powerful aspect of maintaining sobriety and fostering sustained well-being.

Recovery: A Continuous Journey of Small, Consistent Steps

Kat Sorensen’s story is a powerful reminder that recovery is a dynamic, lifelong process built on small, consistent steps. From the initial “24 hours at a time” to the ongoing commitment to self-reflection and community engagement, each decision contributes to a life of sobriety and fulfillment. Her transformation from a high-functioning addict to a compassionate leader in the recovery field demonstrates that even from the darkest places, healing and transformation are possible.

Recovery.com is a valuable resource for anyone seeking mental health or addiction treatment options. You can filter by location, price, insurance coverage, therapy type, mental health condition, levels of care, and more, making it easier to find the right support for anyone, anywhere.

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How to Overcome C-PTSD: Max’s Insights to Find Healing and Hope

Mental health challenges affect countless individuals, but sharing our stories can inspire hope and provide a path to healing. In a compelling episode of the “Giving Voice to Mental Health Podcast,” Max bravely shares her journey of living with and recovering from complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Her story is a testament to the human spirit’s resilience and the transformative power of therapy, self-reflection, and healthy relationships.

Understanding Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)

While many are familiar with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), C-PTSD presents a unique set of challenges that stem from prolonged and repeated exposure to trauma, often during childhood. Max describes C-PTSD as “your regular PTSD and then you add a little bit of extra seasonings in.” These “seasonings” include deeply ingrained issues like a distorted sense of self, an altered perception of the world and others, and a pervasive sense of dread. Unlike single-incident trauma, the prolonged nature of C-PTSD means that the traumatic experiences often become a child’s “reality,” making it incredibly difficult to recognize the abnormality of their situation.

Max highlights several common symptoms of C-PTSD, including:

  • Negative self-perception: A deep-seated belief of being unlovable or unworthy.
  • Relationship difficulties: Struggling to form healthy connections and trust others.
  • Hypervigilance: A constant state of alertness and readiness for danger.
  • Dissociation: Feeling disconnected from one’s thoughts, feelings, or body.
  • Cognitive disorders: Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions.
  • Loss of meaning and purpose: A pervasive sense of emptiness or hopelessness.

“It’s very deep rooted, the complex trauma,” Max emphasizes, underscoring how these experiences shape an individual’s entire being and worldview. The feeling of helplessness experienced during the trauma often persists, even long after the individual is no longer in the traumatic environment.

The Profound Impact of Childhood Trauma and Unsafe Environments

Max’s narrative powerfully illustrates how childhood trauma, particularly within the home, can shatter a child’s sense of safety and self-worth. She bravely reveals the physical and emotional abuse inflicted by her older brother, and the heartbreaking lack of protection from her mother and stepfather. Her mother’s repeated refusal to intervene, stating, “I would never abandon my babies,” while simultaneously abandoning Max by not protecting her, created a deeply confusing and damaging dynamic.

The insidious nature of this trauma was further exacerbated by a lack of accountability from her family. Max recounts her desperate pleas to be heard, only to be met with superficial mending and a continuation of the cycle of abuse. This experience led to a profound feeling of being unheard and unsafe within her own home. As she painfully recounts, “I had to scream to be heard, but even if I was heard, things didn’t really change.”

The psychological toll of living in a constant state of fear and vulnerability, where the “bully” is “in your house,” is immense. Max describes this period as “mind messing with,” where every return home brought her back to an unsafe and unprotected space. The lack of intervention normalized the abuse, leading to a cognitive dissonance where she believed, “They’re telling me that they love me, even if they’re treating me this way. So this is how people who love you treat you.” This warped perception of love and relationships is a direct consequence of prolonged childhood trauma and can have lasting effects on an individual’s ability to form healthy attachments later in life.

Explore trauma treatment options.

The Weight of Unresolved Trauma: Carrying the Past Forward

Even decades later, the echoes of Max’s childhood trauma continued to resonate within her. She identifies a persistent “feeling of needing to perform” as a direct carryover from her upbringing, where “the only way that I was acceptable in my home was when I performed and when I met a certain standard, of honestly, perfection.” This ingrained need for perfection can lead to intense self-criticism and a constant feeling of inadequacy, even when achieving significant accomplishments.

At the core of these lingering effects is the pervasive belief, “I’m unlovable.” This deeply painful sentiment underscores the profound impact of her early experiences on her self-worth. “There’s nothing more that I’ve wanted in my life than to feel loved and understood because I just didn’t for a long time,” Max shares, highlighting the yearning for the very emotional needs that were denied to her as a child. This feeling of being unlovable, coupled with the expectation to manage others’ emotions, created an internal conflict.

The inability of her parents to acknowledge their role in her trauma further compounded Max’s pain. Her stepfather’s inability to grasp the depth of her fear, even after blunt explanations in her twenties, (“What do you mean you didn’t know I felt safe?”), exemplifies the gaslighting and emotional invalidation that was a hallmark of her upbringing. This lack of empathy and accountability from those who should have protected her left deep wounds.

The Path to Healing: Embracing Therapy and DBT

Max’s journey to recovery began over a decade ago with traditional talk therapy, but she quickly realized its limitations. “It kind of just felt like a bandaid where it’s like, okay, like I was able to process this thing. But I never really addressed like the core issues.” This realization led her to seek out more specialized and effective treatments, eventually connecting with her current therapist, Lisa.

Lisa introduced Max to a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Prolonged Exposure Program, a multi-phase approach that proved to be “life-changing.” The first phase involved group therapy, where Max learned crucial DBT skills:

  • Interpersonal effectiveness: Strategies for navigating relationships and communicating needs effectively.
  • Distress tolerance: Techniques for coping with difficult emotions and challenging situations without resorting to destructive behaviors.
  • Emotional regulation: Skills for understanding, managing, and responding to emotions in a healthy way.

These skills empowered Max to “fight back a lot of the thoughts” that had long controlled her. While the thoughts still exist, she now possesses the tools to challenge them and prevent them from overwhelming her. This shift from passive acceptance to active engagement with her internal landscape was a pivotal moment in her recovery.

Confronting the “Shadow Realm”: Prolonged Exposure Therapy

Following the group therapy phase, Max entered what she aptly calls the “shadow realm” – the prolonged exposure component of her treatment. This intensive phase involved reliving traumatic memories and engaging in “in vivos,” which are real-life exposures designed to challenge avoidance behaviors and desensitize her to triggers. This process, while challenging, was crucial for directly addressing the deeply rooted trauma responses.

A key aspect of this phase was learning to communicate her needs effectively and setting healthy boundaries. “Communicating that I was really bothered by something and I need to see actual change versus just being like, okay, well I talked about it. I hope that it gets better,” was a significant step forward. This marked a departure from the cycle of superficial mending and enabled her to demand genuine accountability in her relationships.

The successful completion of prolonged exposure therapy led to a monumental achievement for Max: her C-PTSD went into remission. This remarkable progress highlights the effectiveness of evidence-based therapies in addressing complex trauma.

Living with Scars, Not Wounds: The Ongoing Journey of Healing

Max describes her post-remission phase as “the next phase of the DBT program where it’s mostly using what we call like the free skill.” This involves incorporating “random acts of exposure” and “embracing our emotions,” ultimately striving to live a life where struggles may still arise, but they no longer control her.

Her powerful metaphor of a “haunted house” illustrates her previous state of being, controlled by the “ghosts” of her past. Healing, she realized, wasn’t about exorcising these ghosts entirely, but rather about acquiring the “tools to fight back the ghosts.” With her “Ghostbusters like plasma beam” and “crucifix holy water,” Max now possesses the agency to navigate her internal landscape and manage her triggers effectively. The scars of her past remain, but they are no longer open wounds that dictate her life. This ongoing process of managing symptoms and embracing emotional experiences is a cornerstone of long-term recovery.

The Power of Being Seen and Heard: Validation and Connection

For someone who was gaslit and silenced for so long, the act of being seen and heard has been profoundly healing for Max. “It’s healing to talk about it because I was gaslit so much into thinking like, well, you are the problem. Well, if you didn’t push his buttons, if you didn’t do this, or if you were better than you wouldn’t have these things happening to you.” The validation she receives from others who acknowledge the injustice of her past experiences (“that is not okay. That was wild”) is a powerful antidote to years of self-blame.

Surrounding herself with supportive and understanding individuals has been critical. Her “platonic soulmate” in college taught her about unconditional love, a concept previously alien to her. This experience, coupled with her current healthy relationships, has allowed her to practice vulnerability and express her needs without fear. She shares a seemingly “silly” yet deeply impactful example of hiding phone games from her boyfriend due to past ridicule. The ability to be vulnerable and have her interests accepted, even something as small as a phone game, signifies a profound shift in her sense of safety and self-acceptance.

Unlearning and Reclaiming Self: Embracing Authenticity

Max’s outward presentation—her chosen attire, hair, and name—is a powerful reflection of her inner healing and the process of “unlearning” the societal and familial expectations placed upon her. “Me looking this cool, my 12-year-old self would be like bouncing off the walls,” she joyfully exclaims. This reclaiming of her authentic self, a self that was suppressed and judged in her youth, is a source of immense pride and healing.

While acknowledging that “masking” is sometimes necessary to navigate the world, Max emphasizes that her newfound confidence and hope empower her to be herself more fully. This journey of self-discovery and acceptance is an ongoing process, but one that brings her profound joy and a sense of liberation. The ability to present as her true self is a direct result of the inner work she has undertaken to heal from trauma and shed the burden of others’ judgments.

Finding Hope and Joy: A Message to Those Still Struggling

Max’s message to those closer to where she was than where she is now is one of unwavering hope. She acknowledges the immense difficulty of introspection and connecting the dots between past experiences and present struggles. However, she firmly believes that “it sucks way more to stay there.” The pain of remaining stagnant far outweighs the discomfort of confronting and working through trauma.

Her personal experience of wanting to give up, but realizing that her desire wasn’t to quit, but to alleviate pain, is a profound insight. While the pain may not entirely disappear, it becomes manageable and less controlling. What once took months to overcome now takes weeks, demonstrating the tangible progress possible through consistent effort and support.

Max’s decision to go no contact with her parents, though difficult, brought her an unprecedented sense of peace. “That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say that you’re at peace with anything related to your family,” her therapist observed. This underscores the power of setting healthy boundaries, even when it involves significant personal sacrifice. Making “hard choices, doing hard things” may feel agonizing in the moment, but the ultimate reward is a life where “you feel a lot better and you can navigate it a lot better even if you stumble, even if there’s some lows, there is a higher, better place.”

Max’s story is a powerful reminder that while trauma leaves scars, these scars can serve as testaments to resilience and a healed spirit. Her journey from feeling like a “haunted house” to becoming a “Ghostbuster” of her own mind offers invaluable lessons and inspiration for anyone navigating the complexities of C-PTSD and seeking a path toward a life of hope, joy, and authenticity.

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Spot the Signs, Save a Life: 11 Lessons from a Teacher Who Helped Stop a Suicide

This article summarizes a deeply moving conversation from the Giving Voice to Depression podcast, hosted by Terry McGuire. In Episode 364, we meet Chloe, a courageous young woman whose life was dramatically altered—and ultimately saved—by a teacher who noticed she was struggling and dared to speak up. Through Chloe’s lived experience, we explore the importance of emotional support, early intervention, and the quiet power of paying attention.

1. Depression Can Start Early—and Be Invisible

Chloe first began experiencing symptoms of depression at age 11. She describes her younger self as outgoing and high-achieving, yet internally consumed by sadness and suicidal thoughts. Like many young people, Chloe assumed her pain was just part of growing up.

As Chloe explained:

I thought that everyone my age was feeling the same way that I was… I never really spoke about it because I guess it was such a taboo subject for me growing up.

She masked her distress with humor and popularity, performing well in athletics and maintaining a full social life. But beneath the surface, she was silently suffering. Her experience reminds us that depression doesn’t always look like sadness from the outside.

2. Emotional Bottling Can Lead to Explosive Crisis

For years, Chloe internalized her pain. She was never taught how to express or manage difficult emotions. This emotional bottling came to a head at age 16 after a disappointing soccer performance.

As Chloe recalled:

I remember running to the locker room and punching a wall and just not being able to breathe… I think that was the first time I’d ever had a panic attack before.

Unfortunately, it also marked the beginning of a steep downward spiral. As the pressure to succeed mounted, her mental health deteriorated.

3. The First Attempt: What Chloe Needed Was Understanding

Four months after her panic attack, Chloe attempted to take her own life. Her memories of that day include the grayscale world she saw and the overwhelming emotional pain she wanted to escape—not because she didn’t love others, but because she felt hopeless.

As Chloe described:

I remember looking in the mirror… and I just said, what’s the point in living when I’m not even enjoying being alive?

Sadly, the reactions she received initially were more judgmental than supportive.

Chloe shared:

I remembered [the nurse] shook her head at me and she said like why would you do that to yourself and why would you do it to your family.

She also recounted her mother’s initial response with heartbreak.

Chloe added:

Again she was like how could you do this to me… And all I really needed to hear was that it was going to be okay.

4. Suicide Is Not a Desire to Die—It’s a Desire for the Pain to End

One of the most powerful takeaways from Chloe’s story is that suicidal ideation often stems from a desperate need to escape relentless emotional pain, not a true wish to die.

As Chloe candidly put it:

I think that was the only thought that was going through my head. I just want the pain to end.

Depression convinces people that the pain is permanent and relief is impossible. Chloe’s story challenges that illusion and offers hope to anyone who feels trapped.

5. Asking Directly Can Save a Life

After Chloe’s hospitalization, her pain continued. Around Christmas that same year, she made a second plan to end her life. But this time, someone stepped in.

Chloe recalled the moment her PE teacher intervened:

He pulled me into a classroom and said to me I know exactly what you’ve got planned and I’m not going to let you do it. You’ve got so much to live for. You’ve so much to give to this world.

This moment proved pivotal. The teacher not only noticed the warning signs but used direct and honest language.

As Chloe emphasized:

No one ever asked me before if I had thoughts of suicide… I think the reason that people didn’t ask me that question was because they were scared of the answer themselves.

6. Noticing Changes Can Be a Lifeline

Chloe’s teacher was able to intervene because he noticed behavioral changes:

  • She was dressing differently
  • She was withdrawing from her regular friend group
  • She had lost interest in sports

These may seem like small shifts, but they can be significant red flags.

As Terry eloquently put it:

Most likely is that they’re going to tell you they’re fine. Worst case scenario is probably, “Mind your own business.”

But initiating the conversation matters. It shows someone that they are being seen, that they matter, and that someone cares.

7. Thoughtful Conversations Matter More Than Perfect Words

Many people worry they’ll say the wrong thing. But what Chloe needed most wasn’t a perfect script—it was care and presence.

As Chloe reflected:

He made me realize that people do care and people do want me in this world… my thoughts aren’t necessarily facts.

Even small gestures of concern can counteract depression’s message that you’re alone and unloved.

8. Finding Purpose Helps Anchor Recovery

After surviving her suicide attempts, Chloe began to find new meaning. She embarked on a 220-mile walk across England to raise money for mental health awareness.

Chloe shared what changed:

I didn’t really feel like I had purpose before… Then all of a sudden I had a purpose and I had reason to get up every morning.

Having a purpose—however small—is one of the strongest protective factors against depression and suicide.

9. Life After Crisis Can Be Brighter Than You Imagined

Chloe eventually moved to the U.S. to fulfill her childhood dream of playing soccer on scholarship. While she wasn’t fully healed when she arrived, the journey of self-reflection and growth helped her transform.

As Chloe explained:

I see the world in color again now… I love being alive and I appreciate every single small thing.

Her story proves that even the darkest realities can change. The pain isn’t forever. With the right support, healing is possible.

10. Healing Becomes Powerful When It Comes Full Circle

Today, Chloe is a coach—guiding and supporting young athletes, just as her teacher once supported her.

Chloe described her new role:

My main role on the coaching staff right now is to be someone who’s there for the players mentally and emotionally… I feel like the players know that if they need something or they need to talk to someone… I’m the person to come and speak to.

In this role, she’s closing the healing loop and offering others the same lifeline that once saved her.

Chloe added:

I want to make sure that those players… know that suicide is never the way out and that they always have someone to talk to.

11. Everyone Can Make a Difference—Including You

As the episode concludes, Terry and Carly reflect on how many types of school staff—not just teachers—can play a vital role.

As Carly pointed out:

Young people interact with a ton of adults in any given day. And it’s really just important that one or more of those adults is sort of checking on them out of the corner of their eye.

It’s not just adults, either. Chloe had this realization as a teenager:

Chloe recalled:

There are so many people in this room who are going through something right now that is unimaginable and I have no idea about it… I need to do something to turn this around, not only for myself, but for the people around me.

As Carly explained about today’s youth:

We are each other’s emotional support right now… We are getting each other through the day.

Everyone—regardless of role or training—can be a caring adult or peer who notices, steps in, and helps save a life.

Final Thoughts: The Healing Power of Being Seen

Chloe’s story is a testament to how even one caring conversation can be life-changing. A high school teacher who dared to ask a direct question gave her not only safety, but a sense of worth, hope, and renewed purpose.

Many of us may not consider ourselves mental health professionals. We may not have the perfect words, the right training, or all the answers. But we don’t need to. What we do need is to care enough to notice, brave enough to speak up, and committed enough to listen with compassion.

As Chloe offered this encouragement:

All you have to do is get through the day and survive the day. And then you can start again tomorrow.

Whether you’re a teacher, a coach, a friend, a parent—or just someone in another person’s orbit—you have the ability to make a life-affirming difference. Chloe’s story teaches us that showing up, saying something, and staying connected is sometimes all it takes to redirect someone from despair toward healing.

Key Takeaways

To help you apply the lessons from Chloe’s story, here are some essential points to remember:

Pay attention online too: Today’s warning signs may show up on social media before they show up in person.

Depression can be invisible: High-achieving and happy-looking people may still be struggling.

Trust your gut: If you notice a change in someone, speak up. It’s always better to say something than nothing.

Ask directly about suicide: The most helpful question is also the most uncomfortable. Don’t dance around it.

Listen without judgment: If someone confides in you, meet them with empathy—not fear, shame, or blame.

Stay present: You don’t need to fix someone. Sometimes your consistent presence is enough.

Purpose helps heal: Small goals, acts of service, and meaning-making activities can shift a person’s outlook.

Recovery is not linear: People may revisit difficult emotions, but from new, more resilient vantage points.

Circle it forward: If someone once helped you, consider becoming that person for someone else.

Everyone has a role: Cafeteria staff, bus drivers, and classmates can all be lifesavers.

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The Body Keeps The Score Summary: 8 Key Insights to Heal From Trauma

Bessel van der Kolk’s seminal work, “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma,” offers a groundbreaking perspective on the impact of trauma on individuals. This book summary delves deep into how traumatic experiences fundamentally alter the brain, mind, and body, moving beyond traditional psychiatry and opening new pathways for trauma recovery. Through extensive neuroscience research and compelling case studies, van der Kolk argues that traumatized individuals require interventions that address not just the psychological, but also the physiological effects of trauma.

The article aims to provide a comprehensive overview of the book’s core takeaways, highlighting the necessity of a holistic approach to trauma treatment for trauma survivors and emphasizing the profound connection between our mental and physical well-being. It explores how early life traumatic events can rewire the nervous system, leading to persistent challenges that manifest as various physical symptoms and emotional dysregulation.

1. Understanding Trauma’s Pervasive Reach

Trauma is not merely a psychological scar; it is a profound alteration of the entire human organism. Bessel van der Kolk emphasizes that traumatic experiences are far more common than generally acknowledged, ranging from child abuse and domestic violence to war and natural disasters.

He notes that:

  • One in five Americans was sexually molested as a child
  • One in four was beaten by a parent to the point of a mark being left on their body
  • One in three couples engages in physical violence.

These statistics underscore trauma as a pervasive public health issue.

The book argues that while humans are incredibly resilient, traumatic events leave indelible traces on our minds, emotions, biology, and even our immune systems.

This broad understanding of trauma extends beyond the immediate psychological distress, illustrating how it impacts an individual’s capacity for joy, intimacy, and overall well-being. The author asserts that the struggle and resilience of his patients are deeply moving, demonstrating the human capacity to endure and seek healing.

2. The Brain’s Altered Landscape in Trauma

One of the most profound contributions of The Body Keeps the Score is its detailed exploration of how traumatic experiences literally rewire the brain. Advances in neuroscience, particularly brain imaging, have provided irrefutable evidence of these physiological changes. The book explains that trauma compromises the brain areas responsible for basic self-awareness and the accurate filtering of information.

The brain’s alarm system, primarily centered in the amygdala, becomes recalibrated in traumatized people. This leads to a state of being hypervigilant to threat, even when no actual danger is present.

The prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thought and executive function, can go “offline” during traumatic flashbacks, impairing the ability to think logically and put feelings into words. This neurobiological shift explains why trauma survivors often struggle with learning from experience and repeatedly face similar problems.

3. How the Body Keeps the Score: A Physical Imprint

The core premise of Bessel van der Kolk’s work is that trauma is “encoded in the viscera,” meaning it profoundly affects our bodily sensations and physical reality. The autonomic nervous system (ANS), comprising the sympathetic (accelerator) and parasympathetic (brake) branches, becomes dysregulated.

This leads to persistent physical symptoms such as chronic pain, fibromyalgia, and even heart disease, as the body remains in a perpetual state of defense.

A crucial concept is interoception, the ability to feel and interpret internal bodily sensations. Traumatized individuals often lose this connection, leading to alexithymia—the inability to put feelings into words. They may experience physical discomfort without understanding its emotional root, or become so adept at numbing themselves that they lose touch with pleasure as well as pain.

The book vividly illustrates how these deeply ingrained physiological responses are outside conscious control, emphasizing that “the act of telling the story doesn’t necessarily alter the automatic physical and hormonal responses of bodies that remain hypervigilant, prepared to be assaulted or violated at any time.”

4. Childhood Trauma: The Hidden Epidemic

Childhood trauma, including neglect, sexual abuse, and domestic violence, is presented as a hidden epidemic with devastating long-term consequences. Van der Kolk highlights findings from the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Study, which revealed a strong correlation between early adverse experiences and a multitude of adult physical and mental health problems, including chronic depression, alcoholism, substance abuse, and even heart disease and cancer. The study showed that “for every soldier who serves in a war zone abroad, there are ten children who are endangered in their own homes.”

The development of secure attachment in early childhood is crucial for a child’s sense of self and capacity for self-regulation. When caregivers are a source of terror or neglect, children often develop disorganized attachment patterns.

These patterns, characterized by a fundamental lack of safety and trust, lead to pervasive dysregulation in emotional brain functions, affecting their ability to form healthy relationships, regulate their arousal, and maintain focus. Such traumatized children often struggle to distinguish between safety and danger, leading to repeated cycles of revictimization.

5. The Unbearable Weight of Traumatic Memories and Re-enactment

Traumatic memories differ significantly from ordinary memories. Instead of being organized as a coherent narrative, they are often fragmented, stored as isolated sensory imprints: images, sounds, physical sensations, and overwhelming emotions.

This fragmentation is linked to the deactivation of Broca’s area (the speech center) and the frontal lobes during overwhelming events. This means trauma survivors often experience flashbacks where they literally re-live the event as if it were happening in the present, complete with physiological arousal and the original emotions.

The book delves into the concept of dissociation, where parts of the overwhelming experience are split off from conscious awareness. This can manifest as depersonalization (feeling detached from oneself) or derealization (feeling that reality is unreal).

This “speechless horror” makes it incredibly difficult for traumatized people to articulate their experiences, leading to a “cover story” that fails to capture the inner truth. The “compulsion to repeat” trauma, where individuals unwittingly re-enact aspects of their past in current relationships or behaviors, is also explored as a desperate, often unconscious, attempt to gain control over unbearable feelings.

6. Embracing Holistic Paths to Recovery: Mind-Body Connection

A central theme of The Body Keeps the Score is the necessity of a holistic approach to trauma treatment. Van der Kolk argues that traditional talk therapy alone is often insufficient, as the rational brain cannot simply “talk” the emotional brain out of its deeply ingrained responses. True healing of trauma requires engaging the entire organism—body, mind, and brain—through both “top-down” and “bottom-up” approaches.

  • Top-down processing involves strengthening the prefrontal cortex’s capacity to understand and make sense of internal experiences, fostering self-awareness and cognitive control.
  • Bottom-up processing focuses on recalibrating the autonomic nervous system by directly addressing bodily sensations and physiological arousal. This involves practices that help the body learn that the danger has passed and that it is safe to relax.

The goal is to restore the proper balance between the rational and emotional brains, enabling trauma survivors to regain self-leadership and feel in charge of their responses and lives.

7. Innovative Therapeutic Interventions for Trauma

The book explores a diverse array of interventions that target the various ways trauma is held in the body and mind:

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

EMDR is presented as a powerful method for processing traumatic memories. It involves bilateral stimulation (often eye movements) while the client focuses on distressing memories. The theory suggests this process mimics the memory reprocessing that occurs during REM sleep, allowing traumatic memories to be integrated into a coherent narrative rather than remaining fragmented and overwhelming. Clinical studies, including van der Kolk’s own, showed EMDR to be highly effective, often leading to significant symptom reduction and long-term improvements in trauma survivors, even outperforming certain medications like Prozac.

Yoga and Mindfulness

Yoga is highlighted as a potent tool for trauma recovery by helping traumatized people to safely inhabit their bodies. Through conscious breathing (pranayama) and postures (asanas), yoga cultivates self-awareness and directly impacts the nervous system, improving heart rate variability (HRV) and regulating arousal.

Mindfulness, a core component of yoga, teaches individuals to observe their physical sensations and emotions without judgment, fostering emotional regulation and increasing the “window of tolerance” for difficult feelings. This bottom-up approach helps to counter the numbing and hyperarousal often experienced by trauma survivors.

Neurofeedback: Rewiring the Brain

Neurofeedback is introduced as a cutting-edge trauma treatment that directly addresses dysregulated brain waves. By providing real-time feedback on brain activity, individuals can learn to rewire their brains, promoting more coherent patterns of electrical communication.

This can stabilize the brain’s alarm system, improve focus and attention, and reduce chronic hyperarousal. Neurofeedback offers a promising avenue for traumatized children and adults to overcome issues like concentration problems, emotional instability, and dissociation, by literally changing the brain’s functioning.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy

IFS offers a compassionate framework for understanding the “parts” of oneself that develop in response to traumatic experiences. This model posits that the mind is a complex system, like a family, with different parts (e.g., exiled, managerial, firefighting) that adopt extreme roles to protect the individual from pain.

IFS therapy aims to help trauma survivors access their undamaged “Self” (a core of compassion, curiosity, and calm) to heal wounded parts and integrate the fragmented self. This approach helps reduce internal conflict and enables individuals to regain self-leadership.

Psychomotor Therapy and Communal Rhythms

Psychomotor therapy and other body-based approaches, like somatic experiencing, help individuals reconnect with bodily sensations and complete thwarted self-protective actions. Through structured exercises and role-playing, participants can re-experience past traumatic events in a safe, contained environment, leading to a visceral sense of agency.

The book also emphasizes the healing of trauma through communal rhythms and shared experiences, such as theater, singing, and dancing. These collective activities foster muscular bonding, promote synchrony, and help restore a sense of belonging and safety among trauma survivors, combating the isolation that often accompanies profound hurt.

8. Societal Implications and the Path Forward

The Body Keeps the Score concludes by calling for a shift towards a trauma-conscious society. Bessel van der Kolk argues that trauma is “arguably the greatest threat to our national well-being,” with costs exceeding those of cancer or heart disease.

He criticizes the current health care system for often focusing on symptom management with drugs rather than addressing underlying causes and fostering self-regulation and genuine connection.

The book advocates for widespread prevention efforts, particularly for traumatized children, through early interventions, quality childcare, and trauma-informed schools. It stresses that understanding of trauma must move beyond individual pathology to acknowledge the “undeniable social causation” of many problems.

Ultimately, trauma recovery is about restoring the capacity for playfulness, curiosity, and meaningful relationships, recognizing that humans are fundamentally social creatures wired for cooperation and connection. True healing means rebuilding lives where individuals can feel safe, belong, and actively shape their own futures.

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Gabbie Egan’s Journey Through Bipolar Disorder and Alcohol and Marijuana Addiction Recovery

Gabbie Egan’s story is a powerful and candid exploration of the interconnectedness of mental health and substance use. Her journey, marked by early exposure to drugs and alcohol, a teenage pregnancy, and an eventual diagnosis of bipolar I disorder, offers a deeply personal insight into the complexities of recovery. Gabbie’s unflinching honesty about her struggles and triumphs serves as a beacon of hope, demonstrating that even through multiple setbacks, sustained effort can lead to profound healing and self-acceptance.

The Early Seeds of Struggle: Childhood and Adolescent Experiences

Gabbie’s introduction to substance use began at a remarkably young age, rooted in a combination of environmental factors and personal vulnerabilities. Growing up in a part of North Carolina with limited recreational outlets, drug and alcohol use became a prevalent coping mechanism among her peers. “I’m from a part of North Carolina where it’s like there’s nothing to do,” Gabbie recounts, “And so the only thing that people are really doing to keep themselves occupied is like getting messed up.”

Her home environment, while loving, also contributed to a sense of unmonitored freedom. With parents deeply engrossed in their careers, Gabbie, an only child, was often left to her “own devices.” This lack of direct parental supervision, combined with a pre-existing sadness, created fertile ground for experimentation. She began with cough medicine in sixth grade, quickly escalating to marijuana and prescription pills like Vicodin by the age of 11 or 12. This early exposure to various substances at such a formative age significantly shaped her developing brain and laid the groundwork for future struggles.

Beyond the external influences, Gabbie also grappled with internal battles. She describes herself as “a very sad kid” who experienced bullying and felt she never truly fit in. Her expulsion from Christian school in sixth grade after piercing her belly button further isolated her and plunged her into an environment where she was “in a pretty low place ever since I was a child.” Her mother, a loving but misguided figure, dismissed her emotional struggles, attributing them to a lack of gratitude or a “made-up” mental illness. This invalidation of her feelings compounded Gabbie’s internal turmoil and prevented her from seeking the help she desperately needed. As Gabbie poignantly shares, “My mom doesn’t believe in mental illness. And so that’s tough because then, yeah.”

The Unveiling of Bipolar Disorder: A Diagnosis and a Family Legacy

The first hint of Gabbie’s underlying mental health condition emerged at 16, following a severe alcohol-related incident. After blacking out and requiring a stomach pump, she was court-ordered to see a mental health specialist. It was during this session that a therapist suggested she might have bipolar I disorder. The therapist explained that bipolar I is characterized by “high highs of extreme mania and then extremely low lows that last and extended like a certain amount of time.” This explanation deeply resonated with Gabbie, as it accurately described her volatile emotional landscape. “I’m either extremely low, like, you know, on the verge of like wanting to literally end my life or, um, you know, extremely high thinking, I am Jesus, you know?” she candidly admits.

Despite this crucial insight, her mother’s continued denial of mental illness led Gabbie to dismiss the diagnosis at the time. “My mom’s like, this is just how they get you in the system. They’re trying to medicate you,” Gabbie recalls. This dismissal, coupled with a lack of proper follow-up, meant that Gabbie continued to navigate her life unmedicated and without professional support for her burgeoning mental health challenges.

Years later, a more definitive diagnosis of bipolar I disorder would come after another significant incident in Las Vegas. During what she believes was a manic episode, Gabbie experienced a blackout and woke up in jail in a straightjacket, unable to recall the events that led her there. This terrifying experience, combined with the intense public scrutiny and hate she received online, propelled her to seek help on her own terms. It was through this process that she received an official diagnosis and began to truly understand the nature of her condition.

This second, undeniable encounter with her diagnosis allowed her to confront the reality of her mental health, a reality her grandmother had hinted at, revealing a family history of untreated mental illness. “I had went to my grandmother, who I’m really close with, and I had told her and she said, I think that that’s what my mom had,” Gabbie shares, adding, “My grandmother’s mom actually ended up jumping off of a bridge or off of a building in France when she was growing up and committed suicide because she had so many untreated mental health conditions.” This generational understanding provided a crucial piece of the puzzle, helping Gabbie contextualize her own struggles and recognize that her experiences were not merely “crazy” but rooted in a legitimate medical condition.

Explore bipolar disorder treatment options.

The Intertwined Paths of Substance Use and Mental Health

Gabbie’s narrative vividly illustrates the intricate relationship between substance use and mental health. Her early experimentation with drugs and alcohol served as a form of self-medication for her untreated depression and the chaotic emotional swings of undiagnosed bipolar disorder. The substances provided a temporary escape from the pain, isolation, and overwhelming feelings she couldn’t articulate or understand.

Her pregnancy at 13, giving birth just before turning 14, further intensified her struggles. As a teen mom, Gabbie faced immense pressure and isolation. She juggled high school, childcare, and the emotional burden of being an outcast among her peers. While she excelled as a mother to her son, other aspects of her life crumbled. “Everything else in my life would be completely falling apart. And every aspect. I was a horrible friend. I was a horrible partner. I was a horrible daughter to my parents. Just ’cause I was just like so just like in the trenches, but I was a great mom to my son,” she reflects.

During periods when her son was with his grandparents, Gabbie would resort to heavy drinking, often to the point of blacking out. These episodes were a desperate attempt to cope with the immense emotional distress and the deep void she felt. The incident at 16, where she was found unconscious and her stomach pumped, was a direct consequence of this self-destructive pattern.

Even joining the military at 17, an attempt to “fix” herself, didn’t provide the escape she hoped for. “Substance abuse just followed me into the military,” she admits. Her ability to function, even at the height of her addiction, is a testament to the high-functioning nature often seen in individuals with underlying mental health conditions. She graduated high school a year early, maintaining her academic responsibilities while engaging in significant substance abuse. “People don’t think that you can be functioning, but you can, you can do everything that you’re supposed to be doing and you can show up in every single way,” Gabbie emphasizes, recounting how she would complete school papers while “tripping balls” on acid. This period underscores the dangerous dance between her mental health challenges and her substance use, where each exacerbated the other, creating a vicious cycle.

Navigating Mania and Depression: The Bipolar Experience

Gabbie’s account of living with bipolar I disorder provides a raw and honest glimpse into the extremes of the condition. She describes her manic episodes as periods of intense energy and productivity, often accompanied by a feeling of invincibility. “I have all these ideas and I’m just like, I can stay up for days straight working on a project, a new project, a new business idea, a new something,” she explains. However, these highs are often accompanied by erratic and risky behaviors, including her two arrests, which she believes occurred during manic states. “The things that I have gotten myself into when I feel like I’m the hottest shit. I mean, I’ve gone to jail two times and I, I do believe that both of the times that I went to jail, I was like in a manic episode,” she reveals. During these manic phases, sleep becomes minimal or nonexistent, and she often reaches a state of “blackout” where she has no recollection of her actions.

The crash that follows these manic highs is equally debilitating. Gabbie describes it as a complete physical and emotional collapse, leaving her “completely debilitated.” The overwhelming feeling of paralysis, the inability to move forward with the projects started during mania, is a common experience for individuals with bipolar disorder. “It’s like now I’m halfway through all these projects and I have no energy for anything anymore, and I can’t do anything. And I just feel stuck,” she articulates, likening it to ADHD paralysis where the sheer volume of tasks leads to an inability to start any of them.

Gabbie’s journey with medication also highlights the complexities of treatment for bipolar disorder. While acknowledging that medication is beneficial for many, she shares her personal struggles with various prescriptions like Seroquel and Abilify. These medications, while addressing some symptoms, often left her feeling “like I wasn’t even human anymore,” turning her into a “zombie” or making her feel “boring.” This experience underscores the importance of individualized treatment plans and the ongoing search for the right balance between managing symptoms and maintaining a sense of self.

The Path to Recovery: Resilience, Acceptance, and Self-Worth

Despite the numerous setbacks and deep troughs of despair, Gabbie’s story is ultimately one of remarkable resilience and a profound journey toward self-acceptance. Her early and repeated failures in attempts at sobriety ultimately paved the way for a lasting recovery. “It doesn’t matter how many times you’re trying to recover, as long as you’re putting in the effort one day, it will stick if you really want it,” she advises, a testament to her own experience. She has learned to reframe failures not as endpoints, but as integral parts of her process, emphasizing that “you can fail a million times and still try again.”

Gabbie’s recovery extends beyond sobriety; it encompasses a deeper understanding and management of her bipolar disorder. She has learned to recognize the onset of her manic and depressive episodes, developing coping mechanisms to navigate them. This self-awareness allows her to mitigate the impact of the extreme highs and lows, recognizing when she needs to slow down or when she needs to push through the paralysis of depression by taking small, actionable steps.

Crucially, Gabbie has learned to distinguish between understanding her diagnosis and using it as an excuse for harmful behavior. While acknowledging that bipolar disorder explains certain aspects of her actions, she asserts, “it doesn’t excuse all my actions.” This mature perspective allows her to take accountability for her behavior while still working to manage her condition. She recognizes that the goal is not to eliminate the “crazy” but to “learn to manage that rather than make excuses for that.”

Today, Gabbie is a recovery advocate who openly shares her story, creating a space for others to find solace and understanding. She is a testament to the power of authentic vulnerability, demonstrating that healing is not about becoming a perfect version of oneself, but about embracing all facets of one’s experience. Her journey of “coming undone and rebuild[ing], to tell the truth out loud, and to never let go of your own becoming” serves as a powerful inspiration for anyone navigating the complexities of mental health and addiction recovery. Her story emphasizes that true recovery is a continuous process of learning, adapting, and ultimately, loving the person you are becoming, flaws and all.

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Recovery After Depression’s Darkness: 11 Hopeful Reminders from Someone Who Made It Through

This article is a longform summary of a powerful episode of the Giving Voice to Depression podcast, hosted by Terry McGuire. In this conversation, guest Cara McErlain shares what it’s like to live with long-term depression, the profound lessons she’s learned through therapy, and why the fleeting moments of happiness after darkness are so deeply meaningful. With insight, warmth, and hard-won wisdom, Cara offers hope for anyone struggling to hold on in their darkest moments.

The podcast continues its mission to reduce stigma and normalize conversations about mental health by amplifying the voices of those who live with these experiences every day. This particular episode resonates not just because of the pain described, but because of the unmistakable humanity, humor, and insight Cara brings to her recovery journey. Whether you live with depression yourself or love someone who does, this episode offers vital reminders that healing is possible and that no one is ever truly alone in their struggle.

1. Depression Isn’t Just Sadness — It’s a Whole-Body Experience

Many people associate depression with sadness, but as Cara explains, it can show up in many ways:

  • A deep numbness or emotional “nothingness”
  • A sinking feeling in your stomach
  • Grayness tinting your view of life
  • Dread of the day ahead

As Cara described:

You don’t think you’re ever going to feel the happiness again… your surroundings are almost like tinted as gray.

Cara emphasized that the experience of depression is not simply about feeling blue; it can completely consume your thoughts, energy, and sense of self.

2. It’s Easy to Mistake Depression for Normalcy

Cara began experiencing symptoms of depression as a teenager. But like many, she didn’t recognize it at the time:

  • Emotional numbness felt like her natural state
  • She thought everyone lived without joy or hope
  • She didn’t grow up surrounded by happiness, so sadness felt normal

As Cara reflected:

I thought that’s how we lived, really.

When we grow up in emotionally difficult environments, it’s hard to realize our suffering isn’t normal. Naming depression is the first step to healing.

3. Depression Can Cloud Your Will to Live

Cara bravely opened up about experiencing suicidal thoughts and attempts. This wasn’t about wanting attention — it was a desperate attempt to escape unrelenting pain:

  • Depression told her life wasn’t worth living
  • The darkness felt endless and absolute
  • These thoughts went unspoken for years

As Cara candidly shared:

There were times where I just didn’t want to be here… that thought was there for quite some time.

Her story reinforces the urgency of talking openly about suicidal ideation and the critical importance of early intervention.

4. Therapy Can Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Cara says starting therapy again in 2021 was the best thing she ever did — but it wasn’t easy:

  • Unpacking trauma made her feel worse at first
  • Naming her past experiences as trauma was painful but validating
  • Therapy involved facing uncomfortable truths

As Cara explained:

It made me feel worse in a sense. But I had to do this… It was the first time where we validated the word trauma.

Healing doesn’t follow a straight line. Sometimes it means making a bigger mess before putting things back together.

5. Validation Is a Critical Part of Recovery

One of Cara’s most profound turning points was when her therapist helped her realize that what she experienced was trauma:

  • She had minimized her pain for years
  • Being told she didn’t deserve what happened to her helped shift her self-perception
  • She began to appreciate how her struggles shaped her growth

As Cara noted:

I actually didn’t deserve that… There’s a sense of paying gratitude to my difficulties because of how it’s made me grow.

This kind of validation can break the shame cycle that keeps so many stuck.

6. Rock Bottom Isn’t Always the End

Cara describes a night in 2021 when she broke down crying while driving. She felt hopeless. Lost. But somehow, she reached out:

  • She Googled nearby counselors and sent an email
  • She went to her first session and spoke her truth
  • Her therapist told her, “You’re on to something amazing here”

As Cara recalled:

I was so proud of myself that session. It was the wee bit of light I needed in a very, very dark time.

You don’t have to be fully ready to heal to take the first step. Sometimes, survival is enough.

7. Recovery Is Never Linear

Cara’s story highlights the unpredictable nature of mental health recovery:

  • One week she felt amazing
  • The next, she sobbed uncontrollably in therapy
  • She kept going anyway

As Cara shared:

It just shows the bumpiness of it… knowing that in the really dark times, you felt happiness the week before.

Recovery isn’t a straight line. It’s a winding road filled with both setbacks and breakthroughs.

8. Light Can Appear in Small, Beautiful Moments

Cara finds hope in what she calls “snippets of happiness”:

  • Watching strangers hug
  • Drinking coffee without racing thoughts
  • Noticing 10 seconds of contentment

As Cara described:

I was actually content there for 10 seconds. I never thought I would actually be able to just enjoy coffee.

These glimpses remind us that healing is not only possible, but already happening.

9. Document the Good Days

To help her remember that light exists, Cara journals on good days:

  • She writes about moments of joy
  • She snaps pictures of coffee or her dog
  • She stores proof of happiness for future dark days

As Cara advised:

Let’s also journal whenever we’re feeling good… It’ll remind us that it’s possible.

In moments of hopelessness, that proof can be a lifeline.

10. Peer Support and Reassurance Carry Special Weight

Hearing hope from someone who’s been hopeless can be transformative:

  • Cara reminds us not to believe everything depression tells us
  • She urges people to hold on until tomorrow, not forever
  • She emphasizes taking tiny steps, not big leaps

As Cara encouraged:

You are a human being and you deserve to live and you deserve to live a happy life.

That message lands differently when it comes from someone who’s lived the truth of it.

11. Don’t Forecast Misery Forever — Focus on the Present

Dr. Anita Sanz offers a powerful reminder:

  • Depression often convinces us the future holds only pain
  • But we can survive the present
  • Like a flu or a cold, this will pass

As Dr. Anita Sanz explained:

Force yourself… as hard as it is, to stay in the present moment when the present moment is awful.

Staying present doesn’t mean pretending things are fine. It means trusting that this too shall pass.

Final Thoughts: Choosing Hope, Even When It’s Hard

Cara’s story serves as a vivid reminder that light often follows darkness — not in fairy-tale ways, but in deeply real and often subtle ones. Her lived experience affirms something essential: even in our lowest moments, even when we feel broken or empty, we still hold the power to make the smallest of choices — to hold on, to speak up, to reach out. And those choices can lead us back to the light.

As Terry McGuire beautifully reflected:

We as humans — not even just humans with depression — tend to find what we’re looking for. So if we look for reasons and ways that our value in the world is affirmed, we can usually find something.

We’re not guaranteed a life free of struggle, but we can create one rich with meaning, connection, and resilience. We can build it one small step, one deep breath, one whispered reminder at a time: hold on. Light is possible.

Moments of hope may feel fleeting at first, but with time and attention, they can multiply. They may begin as brief flashes — a sip of coffee savored, a comforting hug, a moment of peace on a quiet walk — but those flashes matter. They are proof. And they are the very building blocks of recovery. For anyone in darkness right now, take heart in knowing that you do not have to wait for a full cure or transformation to start feeling better. You only have to start by holding on — until tomorrow, until the next moment of light, and then the next.

Key Takeaways

Here are a few essential lessons from Cara’s story to carry with you or share with someone in need:

  • Depression is more than sadness — it impacts every part of our being.
  • Validation matters — especially when it comes from others or from within.
  • Therapy can feel worse before it feels better — but it’s worth it.
  • Recovery is not linear — ups and downs are part of the process.
  • Small moments of joy are powerful — even 10 seconds of peace counts.
  • Documenting the good helps you remember hope during the hard times.
  • Peer support is uniquely powerful — lived experience builds trust and connection.
  • You don’t need to hold on forever — just hold on for today.
  • You deserve to live — and not just survive, but to feel happiness, too.
  • The stories we tell ourselves shape what we believe — choose self-compassion over self-criticism whenever you can.
  • Even when happiness feels out of reach, it still exists — and it is not reserved for others. You are worthy of it.
  • Reaching out is an act of strength — asking for help doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it means you are still fighting.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, consider sharing this episode of Giving Voice to Depression or reaching out to a trusted support resource. There is no shame in needing help. And there is always hope — even when we can’t yet see it.

As Cara urged:

Don’t believe everything that your depression tells you. Please don’t believe it.

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Ben Fisher’s Recovery and Redemption: 11 Ways to Find Your Purpose After Addiction

“You know, but some of us need to speak out because too many people are dying. And there’s these, you know, back in the day when AA started, there weren’t these drugs that were killing people first time. Yes. And it’s a scary place. So we need a few soldiers out there that are willing to do this.” – Ben Fisher

The journey of addiction and recovery is deeply personal, often marked by profound challenges and ultimately, immense triumph. For many, the path to sobriety is not just about abstaining from substances, but about rediscovering purpose, rebuilding connections, and transforming past experiences into powerful tools for change. Ben Fisher, the creative force behind “A String of Hope,” embodies this transformation, channeling his own battles with addiction into a platform that resonates with millions seeking mental health and addiction recovery.

1. The Genesis of a Troubled Connection: Music, Identity, and Early Exposure

Ben Fisher’s journey with addiction began at a surprisingly young age, interwoven with his passion for music and the perceived glamour of the rock and roll lifestyle. At just 12 years old, while playing guitar at a family gathering, he was handed a Budweiser by a “drunk uncle.” The experience was immediate and profound. “That wave hit me of, you know, feeling that for the first time at 12. And my 12-year-old brain was like, this is it. This is what I need to feel normal. It was like a switch flipped in me.”

This pivotal moment, however, wasn’t an isolated incident but rather a culmination of earlier influences. At seven, watching Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock, Ben was captivated, feeling a deep connection to the artist’s ability to move people through music. He began to idolize musicians who, despite their artistic brilliance, were also known for their struggles with addiction and alcoholism. This early association between rock stardom and substance abuse became a dangerous blueprint in his young mind. “I idolized them and I’m like, okay. So I have to live that lifestyle if I want to be that person. So I leaned into that at an early age.” This narrative highlights how formative experiences and environmental factors can inadvertently lay the groundwork for future struggles.

2. The Illusion of Control: Balancing Dual Lives

As Ben grew older, his addiction progressed, but so did his ability to compartmentalize. He maintained a starkly contrasting dual life: the party-hardy musician embracing the “rockstar lifestyle” and the dedicated worship leader at his church. “My entire drinking career and drinking and drug career, I was living two different people,” he recounts. “One was the party rockstar lifestyle and the other was the guy playing music at church.”

This ability to hide his struggles, particularly his burgeoning addiction to opiate pain medication, became a defining characteristic of his early adult life. He meticulously concealed his substance use from his girlfriend, who would later become his wife. “She knows nothing about it,” he said of his wife’s unawareness of his opiate addiction. “I was really good at hiding it and I hid it all, all through my life.” This functional addiction, where individuals maintain a semblance of normalcy despite severe substance use, can prolong the denial phase and delay seeking help. The façade of functionality can be incredibly isolating, as the individual carries the immense burden of their secret.

3. The Progressive Nature of Addiction: From Beer to Opiates

Ben’s story serves as a stark reminder of addiction’s progressive nature. What began with underage drinking escalated significantly in college, where he engaged in heavy pot use and occasional cocaine use. The turning point, however, came after a painful breakup when a coworker introduced him to opiate pain medication. “I tried them and they made me feel better. They made me feel way better.” This moment marked a new and more insidious phase of his addiction, as opiates offered an even more potent escape from emotional discomfort.

His reliance on opiates became so entrenched that he eventually sought Suboxone, initially buying it on the street before obtaining a legitimate prescription. The fear of his then-fiancée discovering his secret prompted a dangerous decision: cold-turkey withdrawal from Suboxone. This decision, made without medical supervision, led to a grueling, month-long withdrawal period that he endured alone, further illustrating the desperate lengths individuals will go to hide their addiction. “If you know anything about that, I know it’s a medication that’s great for helping people get off, but you have to taper down, step down very slowly. I went cold Turkey. It was the worst experience I’ve ever gone through. And nobody knew I was going through it. I went through it alone.” This dangerous self-detoxification further entrenched his alcohol use as a coping mechanism.

4. The Crushing Weight of Secrecy: Hiding in Plain Sight

The emotional toll of leading a double life, particularly from the person he loved most, was immense. Ben’s wife was unaware of his opiate addiction for seven years, even as they fell in love, got engaged, and bought a house. “That’s gotta be heavy on you,” the podcast host observes. “To not only just going through that addiction, but to hide such a huge part of you and what you’re going through from the person that you care so much about.”

The constant vigilance required to maintain this deception, coupled with the escalating demands of his addiction, undoubtedly contributed to his internal suffering. The pressure to maintain a “functional” exterior, even as his internal world crumbled, is a common theme in addiction. This sustained psychological burden can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and a deeper sense of shame.

5. The Fall from Grace: Losing Purpose and Community

A crucial turning point in Ben’s descent was the exposure of his addiction to his church community. His daily ritual of buying and consuming cheap vodka, even while driving, highlights the pervasive nature of his alcohol dependence. The moment of reckoning came when his eight-month pregnant wife found him passed out in his car, a bottle of vodka beside him. Her call to a friend at the church, whose husband was in recovery, ultimately led to Ben being pushed out of his role as worship leader.

“I ended up later in life becoming a worship leader, music director at a church… That broke me in my drinking. Then I was already at blackout stage. So then we were at the point where it’s like treatment, like what are we gonna do here?” This loss of his perceived identity and community, a place where he had found a sense of purpose through music, was devastating. While initially harboring resentment, Ben later recognized the complex dynamics at play, acknowledging that the church, in its vulnerable state, was also trying to protect itself. This incident underscores the profound impact addiction can have on relationships and one’s sense of self-worth.

6. The “Rock Bottom” That Changed Everything: His Daughter’s Safety

Ben’s true rock bottom arrived on Easter Sunday, 2016. After blacking out while caring for his infant daughter the day before, he woke up on his parents’ couch with no recollection of the events. The realization that his addiction had jeopardized his daughter’s safety was the jolt he needed.

“What she told me, just, it absolutely scared the life outta me because again, my daughter is everything to me. I, I love her more than the world. And, um, like I, I get emotional just thinking about it because, you know, something bad could have happened and, and I, if I didn’t go to jail, if something bad happened, I, I can tell you I probably wouldn’t be here ’cause I wouldn’t wanna live after that.” This moment, devoid of grand dramatic consequences like incarceration or near-death experiences, was nonetheless profoundly impactful. It demonstrates that “rock bottom” is subjective and deeply personal; for Ben, the threat to his child’s well-being was enough to trigger a fundamental shift. The immediate consequence of being asked to leave his home until he sought help further solidified his resolve.

7. The First Steps of Recovery: 90 Meetings in 90 Days

With his marriage on the line and the terrifying realization of his actions, Ben committed to recovery. His first concrete step was embracing the “90 meetings in 90 days” approach, a common recommendation in 12-Step programs. Despite his introverted nature, he dedicated himself to attending meetings daily. “I was going to meetings every day. I was sitting there and I never talked at any meetings. Like, you would’ve never seen me doing anything like this.”

This initial immersion in the recovery community, even without active participation in sharing, provided a crucial foundation of support and exposure to the principles of sobriety. It allowed him to absorb the experiences of others, gradually eroding the isolation that had characterized his addiction. This structured approach to early recovery provides consistency and a sense of routine, which can be invaluable in navigating the initial turbulent stages of sobriety.

8. Redefining Higher Power: A Personal Journey of Spirituality

Ben’s past role as a worship leader presented a unique challenge in his recovery journey, particularly concerning the concept of a “higher power” in 12-Step programs. He admitted to holding resentment towards organized religion. However, the flexibility of “God of your understanding” resonated deeply. “I loved how they said God of your understanding. And I latched onto that ’cause I’m like, I don’t understand the God that I have been leading worship too for other people. I don’t understand him right now.”

This willingness to redefine his spiritual beliefs on his own terms allowed him to engage with the spiritual aspect of recovery without feeling constrained by traditional religious dogma. This personal interpretation of a higher power is a cornerstone of many recovery programs, allowing individuals from diverse backgrounds to find a spiritual path that supports their sobriety.

9. Finding New Obsessions: The Power of Purposeful Action

Beyond attending meetings, Ben recognized the vital need to actively engage in something meaningful. He embraced the idea of finding “new addictions” or, more accurately, healthy obsessions. “I gotta, I gotta do something with myself. Yeah. You have to find something to kind of like dive into. That’s a huge part of my recovery story and what I..tell people is like, get busy doing something. Find something you love and do it. Find a new addiction, really obsession.”

This proactive approach to filling the void left by substance use is crucial for sustained recovery. For Ben, this translated into tangible projects, like building a playhouse, which provided a sense of accomplishment and a healthy outlet for his energy.

10. A String of Hope: Connecting Through Vulnerability

Ben’s journey eventually led him to create “A String of Hope,” a platform dedicated to mental health, addiction recovery, and personal growth. This endeavor is a powerful manifestation of his core desire, recognized only in recovery, to connect deeply with others. “I thought when I saw Jimi Hendrix that day, I thought what I wanted to be was a rockstar. And what I really wanted to do is harness what he had to connect to people.”

Through candid storytelling and motivational insights, Ben fosters a community of support and resilience, turning his past struggles into a beacon of hope for others. This act of service, of sharing his vulnerability and insights, has become his ultimate purpose, allowing him to impact millions. “I know now, today with the cute little videos that I do, I’m able to do that… Now I’m realizing like it was never about being a rock star and like performance, it was about connecting to people.” This demonstrates the profound healing that can occur when individuals transform their personal pain into a source of inspiration for others.

11. The Ongoing Journey: Life Beyond Addiction

Ben Fisher’s story is a testament to the transformative power of recovery. His life, now marked by sobriety and purpose, is rich with opportunities to connect and inspire. From a young boy captivated by a rockstar’s image to a man who understands the true meaning of connection, Ben’s journey highlights the continuous process of growth and self-discovery in sobriety. His story underscores the importance of seeking help, even when the path is difficult, and the profound impact that finding a new purpose can have on long-term recovery.

“Here I am today and life is so much better. And I’ve had so many opportunities like this to do.” His ongoing commitment to sharing his story, even as an introverted individual, showcases the strength and conviction that can emerge from overcoming adversity. Recovery is not a destination but a continuous process of self-improvement, resilience, and a commitment to a life lived fully and authentically.

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Roger’s Road to Recovery: 7+ Ways Hope Can Overpower Addiction

On this episode of the Giving Voice to Addiction Podcast, we sit down with Roger, a man who has not only navigated the treacherous waters of addiction but has emerged with a profound message of hope and resilience. Roger’s story is a testament to the human spirit’s capacity to overcome immense challenges, offering invaluable insights for anyone struggling with addiction or supporting a loved one through it.

1. The Overpowering Force of Hope: A Counter to Addiction’s Grip

Addiction often feels like an insurmountable force, an overpowering entity that leaves individuals feeling trapped and hopeless. However, Roger’s journey reveals a crucial truth: hope can be an even more potent force. For those entrenched in the depths of addiction, the very concept of hope can seem elusive, a forgotten dream. Yet, Roger, having lived through decades of active addiction and trauma, emphasizes its transformative power. He states, “It’s possible. It’s possible to find hope, and it’s possible that that hope can overpower everything that tries to stop us, and we can move towards the life that we’re trying to have.“

This isn’t a naive optimism but a hard-won conviction born from personal experience. Roger understands that addiction often leads to a sense of undeserving suffering, a belief that one is inherently flawed and destined for failure. He candidly shares his own past struggles with mental health and suicidal ideation, revealing that he once believed, “My addiction, my poor mental health, my time messing around with suicide. It’s a lie. I’m worth something. And for a long time I didn’t think I was.” This realization, that one’s worth is not diminished by addiction, is a cornerstone of true recovery.

The idea of standing “a millimeter taller” than one’s pain is a powerful metaphor Roger uses to illustrate the incremental victories in recovery. It signifies that even the smallest shift in perspective or effort can create a foothold, a spark of possibility that can ignite a larger transformation. This resonates deeply with the understanding that recovery is not a single event but a continuous process of small, deliberate steps.

2. Unpacking a Lifetime of Trauma and Addiction

Roger’s narrative is a stark reminder that addiction rarely exists in a vacuum. His story begins at a tender age, with his mother’s incarceration due to mental health issues when he was just four, followed by her subsequent homelessness. This early exposure to instability and profound loss laid a fertile ground for trauma. He began using drugs at 12, a rapid escalation from marijuana to speed, acid, and cocaine within a year. For Roger, drugs were initially a form of self-medication, a perceived source of comfort and safety in a chaotic world. He describes them as “my mother and my father all at the same time. It was comfort, nature, nurture. It was an escape. It was warm, especially when I started shooting heroin. It was warm, felt good. It was safe until it tried to kill me.“

The allure of drug dealing, though dangerous, provided a perverse sense of purpose and engagement that was otherwise lacking. This highlights how addiction can fulfill unmet needs, even in destructive ways. However, this illusion of safety and purpose eventually shattered. The constant threat of violence, including having a gun to his head multiple times, coupled with a cocaine overdose, signaled a turning point. The realization that his lifestyle was not only endangering himself but also his innocent family members became a powerful motivator for change. “Now I’m putting other people at risk,” he recalls, a clear indication that his addiction’s reach extended far beyond himself.

The journey to discontinue drug use was not immediate but a five-year “de-escalation,” starting with breaking free from the needle and gradually tapering off harder substances. This gradual process underscores that recovery is often a marathon, not a sprint, requiring sustained effort and commitment.

3. The Power of a Vision: Turning Point to Recovery

One of the most profound catalysts for Roger’s initial sobriety was a vivid dream of his own funeral, where he witnessed the devastation it wrought on his father and sister. This dream, coupled with a subsequent “day vision,” solidified his resolve to change. “I had a dream and the dream was my funeral. Then I looked around the funeral scene and I saw my dad and my middle sister, who I’m very close with, and they were just wrecked.” This powerful emotional experience transcended his love for being high, offering a clear and devastating consequence of continuing his path. It shifted his motivation from self-preservation to protecting those he loved.

This deeply personal turning point illustrates that while external pressures can play a role, true and lasting change often stems from an internal shift in values and priorities. Roger’s decision was not driven by a desire to simply stop using, but by a profound realization of the impact his addiction had on his loved ones.

After finally quitting drugs, Roger channeled his addictive tendencies into a new, healthier pursuit: professional mountain biking. While this brought its own set of challenges, including head injuries, it was a significantly less destructive path than his previous drug use. This demonstrates the concept of addiction transfer, where individuals in recovery might replace one addictive behavior with another. While not ideal, it can sometimes be a stepping stone towards healthier coping mechanisms, provided it doesn’t lead to equally destructive outcomes.

4. The Continuous Journey: Sobriety, Clean Time, and Recovery

Roger’s commitment to his recovery is evident in his meticulous counting of clean time: “36 years, one month, and four days.” This unwavering awareness of his sobriety date is not a burden but a source of strength, a tangible representation of his dedication. He explains, “I have to count the days. The days give me strength if I let myself go, I’d be dead tonight because if I’m gonna give up that time, I’m going all the way.” This highlights the ever-present temptation for those in recovery and the importance of recognizing the significant investment made in staying clean.

However, Roger’s journey also includes a relapse with alcohol after his first divorce, underscoring that recovery is not a linear path. Despite being clean from drugs for 15 years, the emotional devastation of his divorce led him to heavy alcohol use, consuming a fifth of tequila daily and later two to three bottles of wine. This period of alcohol abuse lasted five years. His experience demonstrates that past sobriety from one substance doesn’t grant immunity from addiction to others, especially during periods of intense emotional distress.

His eventual cessation of alcohol came after a work trip in Spain where he drank himself unconscious and missed a flight, followed by his second wife being hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. This dual crisis, coupled with the realization of the impact on their three young children, spurred him and his wife to quit drinking together. This collective decision highlights the power of shared commitment and accountability in recovery, especially when children are involved. Roger now differentiates between his “clean” time from drugs and his “sober” time from alcohol, emphasizing that true recovery encompasses addressing all addictive behaviors and underlying issues. He states, “I’m 14 years sober. 14 years, and 21 days, April 17th. So I count that too.”

5. Beyond Abstinence: The Essence of True Recovery

For Roger, being “clean” and “sober” is distinct from being “in recovery.” His past experience with suicidal ideation, even years after achieving drug sobriety, revealed that abstinence alone isn’t enough. He discovered that his suicidal thoughts were a side effect of antidepressant medication, emphasizing the complex interplay between mental health and substance use. Roger’s current recovery hinges on a structured life built on connection, engagement, and introspection. Living in a cabin in the woods without internet, cell service, or TV forces him to actively seek human connection. He elaborates, “I need structure. I need engagement. I need connection… I have to consciously get outta the house every day, or it puts me in trouble. But that connection is key for me and facing my truth.“

This active pursuit of connection and self-awareness through journaling, writing, and maintaining relationships with friends and family is central to his ongoing well-being. He also finds purpose in mentoring others, understanding that helping others strengthens his own resolve. This highlights the altruistic nature of recovery, where sharing one’s experience can create a virtuous cycle of support.

6. Understanding Addiction from the Family’s Perspective

Addiction’s ripple effect extends far beyond the individual, deeply impacting families who often grapple with immense pain, confusion, and a desperate desire to help. Roger offers crucial insights for families struggling to understand their loved one’s addiction. He emphasizes that judgmental attitudes towards behavior miss the underlying suffering. “For many people there is a mental health component that goes along with substance abuse. And more than anything, I think as a people, as humanity, we’re quick to judge the behavior. The behavior is the person people think. It’s not that person’s in trouble. That person’s hurting.“

This distinction between the person and their behavior is fundamental to fostering empathy and effective support. Roger advises families to “love the person no matter what” while simultaneously establishing healthy boundaries. He acknowledges the fine line between tough love and enabling, urging understanding that individuals, even in addiction, are often doing what they believe is best, however misguided it may seem.

Roger asserts that genuine change must come from within: “If we want to go to rehab, we have to want to go to rehab. If we want to quit, we have to want to quit.” This speaks to the limitations of external pressure and the necessity of internal motivation. His personal experience of his mother’s homelessness serves as a poignant example of how societal judgment can dehumanize individuals struggling with addiction and mental illness, reminding us that “that’s somebody’s mother. That’s somebody’s sister. That’s somebody’s kid.”

7. The Role of Support and the Evolution of Treatment

While Roger’s journey was largely self-directed due to the limited resources available at the time, he acknowledges the critical role support plays. He recalls how two close friends intervened when he was desperate to quit the needle, physically preventing him from using and offering unwavering support. “I just told ’em, this is my life and this is how I’m gonna die. I was crying and they said, well, we’re gonna help you.” This demonstrates the profound impact of genuine care and intervention when an individual is ready to receive it. His move to Colorado, away from the triggers of Baltimore, also provided a crucial “break” from his active addiction.

Roger’s early attempt to seek professional help was met with a devastating response: “What’s your insurance? I don’t have any. And they’re like, sorry, we can’t help you.” This highlights the significant barriers to treatment that existed in the past, particularly for those without financial means. It underscores the vital progress made in the addiction treatment landscape, with increased access to resources like harm reduction strategies, needle exchange programs, and a greater emphasis on integrated care for co-occurring mental health disorders. While Roger didn’t attend his first 12-Step meeting until six years ago, he now recognizes their immense value: “They are helpful ’cause it’s a community that you don’t find elsewhere. You need people that can accept you as you are.”

8. Roger’s Enduring Message of Possibility

Roger’s ultimate message is one of unwavering hope and the boundless possibilities of change. He implores anyone struggling to believe in the potential for a different future: “It is possible. It’s possible for something else. It’s possible for change. Change is actually a given.” He challenges the ingrained cynicism and self-deprecating labels that often accompany addiction, such as “loser, low life piece of shit, junky, alcoholic, dropout.” Roger powerfully asserts, “No matter our worst behavior, we’re more than that. We can be anything we wanna be. We can start over every single morning.”

His call to action is simple yet profound: “Just get started. Try to try start there.” This emphasis on taking the first, often daunting, step resonates with anyone facing a significant challenge. Roger’s journey from a childhood marred by trauma and a devastating 13-year drug addiction to a life of profound purpose and continuous recovery is a powerful testament to the fact that even in the darkest moments, possibility exists.

Roger’s story is a beacon of hope for countless individuals. It underscores that recovery is a complex, non-linear journey often intertwined with trauma and mental health challenges. Yet, with internal motivation, external support, and an unwavering belief in the possibility of change, individuals can not only overcome addiction but also build lives of purpose and profound meaning. His message is a powerful reminder that “you’re beautiful. I love you, and you can do it. I know it. Absolutely know it. ‘Cause it is possible.”

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Depression and Recovery: Sabra’s 7 Ways to Find Your Path to Feeling Good

Battling depression can feel like being stuck in a deep pit with no way out. The weight of sadness, lack of energy, and loss of interest in life can be overwhelming, making even simple daily tasks feel impossible. But what if there were not just one, but many paths to finding your way back to feeling good?

In a recent episode of the Giving Voice to Mental Health Podcast by Recovery.com, Sabra, a woman navigating career transitions and significant grief, shared her powerful journey through depression and recovery. Her story highlights a crucial message: options are beautiful, and not having options can be dangerous.

Sabra’s experience underscores the multifaceted nature of depression and the importance of a personalized approach to healing. From navigating seasonal affective disorder and deep depressive episodes to exploring different medications and ultimately finding profound relief through ketamine treatment, her story is a testament to resilience and the evolving landscape of mental health care.

1. Recognizing the Nuances of Depression

Depression isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience. It can manifest in various forms, from persistent low-grade sadness to severe, debilitating episodes. Sabra’s narrative beautifully illustrates this spectrum. She openly discussed her diagnosis of seasonal affective disorder (SAD), a type of depression linked to changes in seasons, typically in winter. However, she also spoke of “deep depressions” triggered by significant life events, such as a traumatic divorce, a devastating breakup, and the compounding grief of losing her father and beloved dog.

For Sabra, a self-proclaimed “type A person, artist who has hustled and worked and been doing all of the things all of the time,” depression brought her to a jarring halt. She describes it as slowing her down, making her feel like “nothing is functioning.” Even when she appeared “normal” to others, internally, she felt a profound loss of energy, passion, and drive.

“It may look normal, but it’s not your normal,” she powerfully stated, emphasizing the internal struggle that often goes unseen. This highlights a critical aspect of depression: its impact is often deeply personal and may not always be evident to those around you. Recognizing this internal disparity is a vital first step toward seeking help.

Life throws curveballs, and for individuals prone to depression, these curveballs can act as powerful triggers. Sabra’s story is a prime example. The end of a challenging marriage, a subsequent heartbreak, and then the successive losses of her father and dog plunged her into deep depressive states. These external factors exacerbated her underlying tendencies toward depression and SAD.

“I knew that there were other factors involved, like having tried a few different medications within the year and that they didn’t work. And just being triggered more and saying, yeah, this is more than just grief. This is uncontrollable grief, this is depression,” Sabra recounted.

Recognizing triggers is an essential part of managing mental health. Whether it’s seasonal changes, significant life stressors, relationship difficulties, or grief, understanding what might precipitate a depressive episode allows for proactive strategies and seeking support before symptoms become overwhelming. It’s about understanding that while grief is a natural response to loss, when it becomes “uncontrollable” and leads to a significant decline in functioning, it may have transitioned into depression.

3. The Journey Through Different Treatment Paths

The path to recovery is rarely linear, and Sabra’s experience with various treatments perfectly illustrates this. Her initial attempts with traditional antidepressants, Zoloft and Lexapro, yielded mixed results. While they offered some support, the side effects and lack of significant improvement led her to discontinue them. This highlights a common reality: finding the right medication and dosage often requires patience and collaboration with a healthcare provider.

Sabra’s candidness about the challenges she faced with these medications—sleep disturbances, headaches, and a general feeling of not receiving enough support—is a crucial reminder that not every treatment works for everyone, and it’s okay to advocate for yourself and explore alternatives.

“I did not respond well to the Zoloft. I didn’t sleep well. I had headaches all the time. It was making me very unhappy and uncomfortable. And so that was not the right thing,” she explained.

Explore treatment options for depression.

4. Embracing Novel and Emerging Treatments: Ketamine

When traditional approaches weren’t providing the relief she desperately needed, Sabra was introduced to ketamine treatment through a friend who is an ER doctor and co-owns a ketamine clinic. This marked a significant turning point in her recovery journey. Despite her initial fear and unfamiliarity with psychedelic drugs, the structured, clinical setting and the presence of a supportive nurse helped alleviate her anxieties.

Ketamine-assisted therapy is an emerging treatment for severe depression, PTSD, and other mental health conditions, often used when other treatments haven’t been effective. Administered in a controlled environment, it can rapidly reduce depressive symptoms and offer a new perspective for individuals struggling with persistent mental health challenges.

“She said, it’s okay to cry. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just experience what you can and I’ll be right here with you the whole time,” Sabra shared about her nurse, highlighting the compassionate support that made a difference.

After six sessions of ketamine treatment, Sabra experienced a profound shift. Less than a month later, she was “smiling and laughing and telling the story and out and about and feeling great.” While she still grieves her dog, the debilitating depression that consumed her had lifted.

This transformative experience underscores the importance of staying open to evidence-based, newer interventions when conventional methods fall short. It’s a reminder that the landscape of mental health treatment is continually evolving, offering new avenues for healing and recovery.

5. The Power of Community and Support

Beyond formal treatments, Sabra emphasized the critical role of community and support in her recovery. Her best friend, who advocated for ketamine treatment and provided a vital connection, played a significant role in her journey. Having someone who could see her suffering and offer a concrete solution was invaluable, especially when Sabra felt too overwhelmed to seek help herself.

“My best friend is married to an ER doctor and they own a ketamine clinic here in town, and she had been telling me, I wish you hadn’t gone on those antidepressants. I really think the ketamine would help,” Sabra explained, showing the pivotal role her friend played.

This highlights a universal truth in mental health recovery: you don’t have to go through it alone. Whether it’s friends, family, support groups, or peer communities, having a network of people who understand and care can make a profound difference. As the podcast hosts discussed, mental health challenges can be incredibly isolating, and having someone simply listen without judgment can be a powerful form of healing.

“When we can just listen, that alone can be like a treatment. That alone is one of the things that helps us get through, get past or find a little bit of peace in whatever pit we happened to be stuck in at the time,” one reflected.

6. The Evolving Nature of Recovery and Self-Compassion

Recovery from depression isn’t a destination; it’s an ongoing journey. As Sabra and the hosts discussed, what works today might not be what’s needed a year from now. Our needs change, and so too should our approach to mental well-being. This calls for a flexible mindset and a willingness to continually reassess and adapt our coping mechanisms and treatment strategies.

The idea that “all of those things that maybe felt like they didn’t work, they were leading us somewhere,” is a powerful perspective. Each attempted treatment, even if seemingly unsuccessful, provides valuable information and nudges us closer to what does work. It’s about building a comprehensive toolkit of strategies and resources rather than relying on a single “fix.”

Furthermore, self-compassion is key. Depression often comes with intense self-criticism and feelings of inadequacy. Sabra, as a “type A” individual, struggled with feeling “substandard” when her energy and drive diminished. Learning to extend grace to oneself during these challenging periods is vital for healing.

7. The Importance of Options and Accessible Resources

Perhaps the most resonant takeaway from Sabra’s story is the profound importance of having options and access to resources. When depression takes hold, the ability to seek out and evaluate different pathways to healing can be severely impaired. This is where comprehensive, accessible resources like Recovery.com become invaluable.

“I think to know that there are many options, but you have to find the one that works for you because there’s not one right solution and it might be a multitude of things,” Sabra wisely advised.

A platform that allows individuals to explore various treatment modalities, filter by location, insurance, and specific conditions, can significantly reduce the barrier to seeking help. When someone is at their lowest, the thought of navigating complex healthcare systems can be overwhelming. A streamlined resource that presents available options empowers individuals to take that crucial first step.

“Because having options is a lot better than not having any options,” the hosts concluded, summarizing the core message of Sabra’s empowering narrative.