Tag: Couples Counseling

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How Do You Help Someone With an Addiction? 8 Actionable Steps to Support Recovery

Recognizing when a loved one is struggling with substance use can be confusing, heartbreaking, and overwhelming. You may feel desperate to help, but unsure of how to do so without enabling their behavior or pushing them away. 

Fortunately, with patience, compassion, information, and evidence-based strategies, it’s possible to support someone through the recovery process.

1. Recognize the Signs of Addiction in Others

Addiction isn’t always obvious. While some people display clear warning signs, others—especially people with high-functioning addiction—may mask their struggles with problematic drug use or addiction behind a facade of normalcy.

Common signs of addiction1 include:

  • Behavioral red flags: Secrecy, denial, impulsivity, lying, or missing obligations
  • Emotional signs: Mood swings, irritability, anxiety, or depression
  • Physical indicators: Weight changes, bloodshot eyes, slurred speech, or poor hygiene

In people with high-functioning addiction,2 drug or alcohol use may remain hidden due to career success or social engagement. However, you might still notice subtle patterns related to behavioral health like isolation, frequent “bad days,” or noticeable shifts in demeanor. Many also exhibit a cycle of justification, denial, or defensiveness.

For children or young adults,3 these common signs can also include changes in friend groups, a decrease in participation in school functions or extracurriculars, or changes in grades and academic performance.

Two people walking together with one holding a flashlight that creates a beam of light on the path ahead, illustrating supportive companionship in addiction recovery

2. Understand There Is a Why Behind Substance Use

People don’t usually turn to drugs or alcohol just because they’re bored, they use substances to cope with pain, trauma, or emotional overwhelm. Addiction often starts as a form of control of a seemingly uncontrollable situation. 

Substances may offer short-term relief from anxiety, depression, loneliness, or past wounds. In the beginning, the ability to change how you feel with a drink or a pill can seem empowering. But over time, that temporary sense of control, however, can turn into dependency and eventually, loss of control.

Understanding this doesn’t mean you’re excusing the behavior, but it does help you meet your loved one with greater compassion. It shifts the conversation from:

  • “Why don’t you just stop?” to “What are you trying to escape or manage?” 
  • “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened?”

Most people with substance use disorder are carrying deep emotional burdens. Recognizing the underlying why behind their substance use can guide more effective, empathetic support and help you focus not just on the behavior or coping mechanism,4 but the pain beneath it.

3. Educate Yourself About the Science of Addiction

Addiction may not have a one-size-fits-all cure, but with the right knowledge and support, you can be better prepared to support a loved one. One of the most empowering steps you can take is to understand what addiction really is.

Addiction is a chronic brain disease,5 not a moral failing or a lack of willpower. Long-term substance use changes how the brain communicates, especially in areas related to reward, decision-making, and impulse control. This disruption often stems from changes in neurotransmitters like dopamine, which plays a major role in pleasure and motivation.

At first, for your loved one, using substances may feel like a choice, but over time, the brain rewires itself, increasing tolerance and craving while decreasing natural dopamine production. That’s when people often feel “trapped”—not weak, but physically and mentally hooked.

Understanding these biological realities6 helps reduce blame and increases compassion. It also reminds us that support, grace, and education are crucial parts of the healing process.

Infographic showing 5 steps to support a loved one through addiction: 1) Educate yourself, 2) Choose the right moment, 3) Express concern, 4) Offer options not ultimatums, 5) Take care of yourself too. Includes illustration of two people embracing in support.

4. Learn the Dos and Don’ts of Supporting Someone in Addiction

Loving someone with an addiction requires empathy, education, and strong boundaries. You might be feeling helpless, but there are things you can do. Here are some practical ways to offer support:

Do:

  • Listen with compassion. Let them talk openly and acknowledge what they’re feeling without judgment.
  • Set healthy boundaries. Set clear limits around what you’re able to offer and follow through.
  • Learn about addiction and recovery. Understanding substance use, withdrawal, and treatment options can help you support them better.
  • Celebrate progress. Encourage small steps forward and remind them that change takes time.

Don’t

  • Don’t enable or protect them from consequences. Covering up, making excuses, or giving money can unintentionally prolong the problem.
  • Don’t give ultimatums before they’re ready. Lasting change usually starts with internal motivation, not outside pressure.
  • Don’t blame yourself. Their choices are not your fault, even when it’s hard to watch.
  • Don’t expect them to quit cold turkey. Sudden withdrawal from substances like alcohol or benzodiazepines can cause death without medical support.

Supporting someone who’s struggling with addiction7 can be emotionally draining. It’s important to keep in mind that you matter, too. It’s important to care for your own heart and well-being as you walk alongside your loved one.

You won’t be able to fix everything and that’s okay. Healing is a long road, and it’s not your job to carry it all.

Set boundaries that protect your peace. If a conversation becomes too intense, give yourself permission to step away. A simple pause can make space for clarity, calm, and compassion. Come back when you’re ready with a clearer mind and a softer heart.

And remember: you don’t have to be involved in every part of their journey. Showing up consistently in small, healthy ways often speaks louder than trying to do it all.

Infographic comparing enabling vs. supporting someone with addiction. Enabling behaviors include giving money, ignoring warning signs, taking on their obligations, and making excuses. Supporting behaviors include encouraging treatment, listening with empathy, setting healthy boundaries, and celebrating recovery wins.

5. Understand How to Talk to Someone About Their Addiction

Confronting someone about their substance use is difficult, but it can also be a turning point. To have the best outcome, choose a calm, private setting and use non-threatening language.

Pam Lanhart, Founder and Director of Thrive Family Recovery Services shares:

First, we need to listen to our loved ones well and listen for language that might indicate that they are getting tired of the way things are. Then we validate that and ask them what it might look like to do something different. ‘What step do you think you might be able to take to move forward?’

We need to be patient and let them feel like they have agency in these decisions.  Walking with them while they figure things out is critical. And of course, we can’t do that if we don’t have boundaries. I love language such as ‘say more about that,’ or ‘Can you tell me more?’ or ‘I’m trying to understand. Can you explain?’ Just listen and be curious because they know what they need and will often come to the conclusion themselves.

Here are a few brief conversation tips that can help you as you communicate with your loved one who may be struggling with an addiction.

Conversation Tips

  • Start with an “I” statement: “I’ve noticed you seem stressed lately, and I’m worried about you.”
  • Express concern, not control: “I care about your well-being and want to help.”
  • Avoid labels like “addict” or “junkie,” which can cause shame or defensiveness.

Timing matters. Choose a moment when they’re sober and not in a state of crisis or withdrawal.

6. Decide When and How to Encourage Treatment

Suggesting treatment should be a compassionate invitation, not a demand. If the person is open to help, present options like:

  • Speaking with a mental health professional or healthcare provider
  • Considering inpatient or outpatient addiction treatment programs
  • Exploring evidence-based options such as behavioral therapy, medication-assisted treatment, detox, or other types of medical treatment
  • Encouraging holistic wellness and recovery support services

It’s normal for people to resist the idea at first. Ambivalence doesn’t mean they’re not willing—it often means they’re afraid or unsure of what recovery entails.

How do people change? Over time. With stops and starts, along a crooked line. With practice. With ambivalence. More often than not, without formal help. When the trade-offs seem worth it. With a little help—sometimes a lot of help—from friends and family. With anguish. With effort. With joy.

― Jeffrey Foote, PhD., Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change8

7. Know What to Do if They Refuse Help

Refusal doesn’t mean you should give up. Harm reduction strategies9 can keep your loved one safer, sometimes easing cravings, while leaving the door open for change:

  • Encourage safer practices (like not mixing substances and using clean supplies)
  • Stay emotionally available without enabling
  • Know your limits and take care of yourself

You might need to seek your own mental health support or attend family therapy to cope with feelings of guilt, anger, or helplessness. That’s okay. Recognizing that addiction impacts the entire family and not just the person struggling is key to a healthy recovery journey for everyone.

8. Get Familiar With Resources for Families and Friends

Support services exist for those affected by a loved one’s addiction.10 You are not alone.

  • Al-Anon and Nar-Anon: Peer-led groups for family and friends
  • SMART Recovery Family & Friends: Offers tools based on cognitive behavioral therapy
  • SAMHSA resources that define and discuss recovery principles and supports
  • Books and podcasts that explore addiction and family dynamics
  • Helplines that provide 24/7 support
  • Therapy with a mental health professional familiar with substance use disorders

Helping someone with drug use, drug addiction, or alcohol use isn’t about fixing them—it’s about walking beside them, with compassion and hope. Whether they’re seeking professional help or resisting treatment options, your role matters. Take steps to protect your own well-being, stay informed, and know that recovery is possible for your family member—even when the road is long.

Connect With Professional Support

Ready to connect your loved one with professional help? Find qualified addiction treatment programs in your area that offer personalized care and proven recovery methods.

FAQs

Q: What should you not say to someone who has an addiction?

A: Avoid blaming, shaming, or using stigmatizing terms like “junkie” or “addict” when talking to or about your family member.  Phrases like “just stop” or “you’re ruining everything” often shut down communication. Focus instead on expressing care and concern while encouraging effective treatment options.

Q: How can I help without enabling?

A: Helping without enabling means supporting their recovery, not their addiction. Avoid giving money, covering up consequences, or making excuses. Instead, offer emotional support, resources, and healthy boundaries.

Q: What are some ways to help people who are suffering from addiction?

A: You can help by listening without judgment, offering treatment options, and encouraging small steps toward change. Support groups, harm reduction strategies, and family therapy can also make a difference.

Q: What is substance use disorder (SUD)?

A: A substance use disorder is a medical condition characterized by an uncontrollable urge to use drugs or alcohol despite negative consequences. It affects brain function and behavior and often requires comprehensive treatment.

Q: How do I get a loved one to admit they have a problem?

A: Use “I” statements to express concern, avoid confrontational language, and choose a calm moment to talk. Understand that denial is common and change takes time.

Q: How do I know if someone needs help for their drug or alcohol use?

A: Warning signs of alcohol addiction or other drug abuse include neglecting responsibilities, changes in mood or behavior, secrecy, physical deterioration, and an inability to stop despite consequences. A professional assessment can clarify their needs.

Q: Is there a good way to convey addiction concerns to a family member or friend?

A: Yes. Speak from a place of compassion using statements like, “I’ve noticed some changes and I’m worried.” Choose a quiet time, avoid judgment, and be prepared for resistance.

Q: Are you covered for addiction treatment?

A: Many insurance plans cover addiction treatment, including inpatient, outpatient, and therapy options. Check with your insurance provider or rehab admission team for guidance on available coverage.

Q: What are effective ways to support someone in recovery from addiction?

A: Offer encouragement, celebrate milestones, be patient during setbacks, and avoid substances around them. Attending support groups together and staying informed can strengthen your role in their recovery. Encouraging effective treatment plans that address not only substance use, but also co-occurring mental health conditions, is important.

Q: What steps can I take to support someone seeking addiction recovery?

A: Help research treatment options, provide transportation or childcare if needed, and support attendance in therapy or peer groups. Remind them that recovery is a journey, not a destination.

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Does Couples Counseling Work? 7 Proven Benefits When Both Partners Commit

Relationships aren’t always easy, and that’s where couples therapy can really help. With support from a licensed therapist or couples counselor, couples learn better communication skills and tackle challenging relationship problems together. When both partners commit, couples counseling works. It has a high success rate, especially with proven methods like the Gottman Method, emotion-focused therapy (EFT), and more. 

Whether you’re attending in-person or online therapy,  counseling sessions with evidence-based treatment approaches can help couples build trust, solve problems, and grow a stronger, healthier relationship.

Here are 7 reasons why this type of therapy can strengthen relationships when both partners commit to a healing journey together:

1. Better Communication and Conflict Resolution

Couples counseling helps couples build better problem-solving skills and improve communication skills, which makes a big difference when dealing with relationship issues. A couples therapist or licensed marriage counselor guides you through the therapy process, helping you notice and change negative relationship patterns. These sessions create space for real talk, trust, and growth, leading to a stronger, healthier relationship that actually works.

Infographic titled

A couples therapist helps you and your partner learn communication skills that make it easier to talk without defensiveness, jumping to conclusions, or starting fights. 

You’ll learn simple techniques like regular check-ins that help you and your partner stay connected and on the same page. These tools improve your interactions by making space for honest conversations before little issues turn into big relationship problems.

You’ll learn practical communication techniques such has:  

  • Active listening1 (fully focusing on your partner without interrupting) 
  • Using “I” statements (expressing feelings without blame)
  • Time-outs (recognizing when conversations are becoming too heated)

You’ll also practice conflict resolution through fair fighting rules, problem-solving frameworks, and compromise strategies that find middle ground that respects both partners’ needs.

2. Stronger Emotional Connection and Intimacy

Emotion-focused therapy (EFT)2 helps couples figure out their deeper emotional needs—like feeling safe, loved, or understood—and talk about them in a real, honest way. A couples therapist trained in EFT guides you through the process so you can reconnect and start to rebuild trust. It’s one of the most powerful tools in relationship counseling.

EFT is often used by licensed marriage and family therapists because it focuses on emotions: the heart of most relationship problems. This approach helps couples understand their feelings and connect in a more profound, more meaningful way. It’s especially helpful in couples therapy because it builds trust, improves communication, and supports lasting change.

Couples learn vulnerability exercises for safely sharing deeper feelings and needs, appreciation practices for regular expressions of gratitude, and attachment repair techniques for rebuilding trust and security after disconnection. Intimacy building includes non-sexual touch to reestablish physical connection, sensate focus mindfulness exercises to improve physical intimacy, and desire mapping to explore and communicate needs and preferences.

Illustration of a couple holding hands with swords and shields laid down beside them, symbolizing peace and unity. Text reads: “Couples counseling helps you stop fighting to win—and start fighting for each other.” Image from Recovery.com promoting the benefits of relationship therapy.

3. Effective Tools for Managing Mental Health Issues

Your mental health plays a big role in your relationship. Things like anxiety or depression can lead to misunderstandings or even bigger relationship issues. In couples therapy or marriage counseling, a licensed therapist or mental health professional helps both partners understand how their emotions affect their connection. When you work through mental health issues together, it can lead to a stronger, more supportive, and healthy relationship.

Individual therapy can be a great add-on to couples therapy sessions because it gives you space to work on your own things, like stress, past experiences, or mental health issues. When you understand yourself better, showing up for your partner and growing together in your relationship is easier. That’s why many licensed therapists and couples counselors recommend combining both for deeper healing.

Marriage counselors and family therapists play a big role in teaching couples how to manage their emotions during challenging moments. Through couples therapy or family therapy, they help you recognize triggers, stay calm, and respond instead of react—skills that make a huge difference in keeping a healthy relationship. By learning emotional regulation, couples can handle conflict better and grow stronger together.

4. Science-Backed Methods That Actually Work

Couples therapy uses several proven approaches that have been proven to work for real couples facing real problems. These methods give therapists a clear roadmap for helping couples work through their challenges and create lasting change.

The Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is a research-based approach that focuses on 3 main areas: 

  • Building friendship
  • Managing conflict better
  • Creating shared meaning in your relationship

This method works for all kinds of couples, including those dealing with serious issues like cheating, trauma, or addiction. Studies show that couples see big improvements in how happy they are, how well they communicate, and how connected they feel. Research shows that these improvements stick around long after therapy ends3 because couples learn practical skills they can actually use, like breaking harmful patterns such as constantly criticizing each other or shutting down during arguments.

Infographic from Recovery.com titled “Key Skills Taught in Couples Counseling,” featuring seven relationship skills: active listening, conflict resolution, emotional expression, setting boundaries, repairing after conflict, and building trust. Includes an illustration of a couple embracing, symbolizing connection and healing through therapy.

Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT)

EFT is another approach that works very well, helping 70-73% of couples who use this therapy recover from relationship problems.4 EFT helps couples figure out what they really need emotionally, and teaches them how to express those needs in a way that brings them closer together instead of pushing them apart.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Couples

CBT for couples5 focuses on changing negative thoughts and behaviors that hurt relationships. This approach teaches partners to catch themselves when they’re thinking destructively and replace those thoughts with better ways of communicating and solving problems together.

Family-Focused Therapies

Family-focused approaches like structural and systemic family therapy6 look at how your family background and other relationships affect your partnership. These methods help couples understand how situations in their past and current family systems impact their relationship, opening doors to deeper healing.

Licensed therapists use a combination of methods like these based on what each couple actually needs, making sure the approach fits your specific situation and goals.

5. Personalized Solutions for Your Unique Challenges

In couples therapy, no two couples are treated exactly the same. Licensed therapists use tailored interventions based on what each couple is going through. Whether it’s working on communication skills, trust issues, or handling stress, the therapy process is designed to fit your unique relationship. That’s what makes couples counseling work. It meets you where you are and helps you grow together.

A Safe Space for Hard Conversations

Couples therapy can be a safe space to talk about difficult issues like substance abuse or financial stress, which often cause major relationship problems. Your therapist can help you work through these challenges together instead of letting them tear the relationship apart. 

Starting Out Ahead

Premarital counseling7 is a great way for couples to build a strong foundation before marriage by learning key communication skills and tackling important topics early on. A licensed therapist or marriage counselor helps you talk through things like goals, values, and even how to handle future conflict. This kind of relational counseling sets you up for a more supportive, trusting, and healthy relationship from the very beginning.

6. Flexible Options That Fit Your Lifestyle

One of the biggest barriers to getting help used to be finding time and accessibility, but today’s couples therapy offers flexible options that work around your schedule and preferences.

Online therapy is a helpful option for busy couples who might not have time for in-person sessions. It allows you to connect with a licensed therapist or couples counselor from the comfort of your own space, making it easier to stay committed to the therapy process. Even through a screen, you can build better communication skills and work through relationship problems.

In-person sessions can offer a deeper level of connection and focus, especially when working through serious relationship issues. Being face-to-face with a licensed therapist or marriage counselor helps couples stay present, read body language, and fully engage in the therapy process. For many, this kind of setting creates a safe space to build trust, improve communication skills, and grow a healthy relationship.

These different formats let you choose what works best for you and your partner.

7. Long-Term Relationship Success and Satisfaction

Relationship therapy helps couples have more satisfying relationships by providing tools to keep communication open and handle conflict in a healthy way. One meta-analysis published in 2020 found that couples therapy produces major improvements in relationship satisfaction,8 communication, and emotional intimacy, and that these gains are generally maintained long-term.

Couples therapy works when both partners fully commit to the process. It’s about being open, willing to grow, and actively working with your licensed therapist to improve your relationship. When both partners are dedicated, therapy can help strengthen your bond and bring lasting change.

Take the Next Step Toward a Stronger Bond

If you’re facing challenges in your relationship, seeking support from a licensed therapist or marriage counselor is a great step toward healing and growth. These professionals are there to guide you through difficult times, offering evidence-based strategies to improve communication, rebuild trust, and deepen your emotional connection. Your relationship is worth the effort—therapy can provide the tools you need to create the healthy, lasting partnership you both deserve.

Ready to strengthen your partnership? Take the first step today by finding a qualified couples counseling program in your area. 

FAQs

Q: What is the success rate of couples counseling?

A: Couples counseling has success rates upwards of 70%9 when both partners actively participate. Evidence-based approaches like the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy show even higher success rates, with the key factor being mutual commitment from both partners.

Q: How effective is couples counseling?

A: Couples counseling is highly effective for relationship issues. EFT shows 70-73% success rates4 for couples recovering from distress, with 90% showing significant improvement. Most couples see improvements within the first few sessions, with lasting changes occurring over 12-20 sessions.

Q: Is couples counseling worth it?

A: Yes, when both partners are committed. The investment is significantly less than divorce costs ($15,000-$30,000+), and couples gain lasting communication and conflict resolution tools that strengthen their relationship for years beyond therapy.

Q: Does counseling actually help with relationship and mental health issues?

A: Yes, counseling effectively addresses both relationship dynamics and individual mental health concerns affecting partnerships. Research shows couples therapy can reduce depression and anxiety symptoms while improving relationship satisfaction, especially when combining individual and couples therapy approaches.

Q: Can couples therapy save a failing relationship?

A: Couples therapy can often save failing relationships when both partners commit to change. Success depends on participation willingness, problem severity, and compatibility. Even serious challenges like infidelity or communication breakdown can be resolved, though early intervention before problems become entrenched is most effective.

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ADHD and Relationships: 5 Strategies to Build Better Connections

Living with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) affects more than just focus and activity levels—it can shake up the foundation of your closest relationships, too. When ADHD is in the mix, partners often find themselves in a relationship that works a little differently than what they expected.

Maybe you’ve noticed patterns of forgotten promises, emotional highs and lows, or communication that keeps missing the mark. These aren’t signs of a doomed relationship or lack of love—they’re often just part of how ADHD shows up between people who care about each other.

Luckily, understanding these patterns is a first step toward creating a relationship that works for everyone involved. With some targeted strategies and mutual understanding, couples affected by adult ADHD can build connections that aren’t just surviving, but genuinely thriving.

Infographic titled “Common Ways ADHD Shows Up in Relationships,” featuring eight examples: forgetfulness about details, emotional overreactions, trouble listening or staying present, chronic lateness, inconsistent follow-through, impulsive comments, and hyperfocus on personal interests over the partner.

How ADHD Affects Relationships

ADHD affects about 4% of adults,1 but its influence on relationships often extends far beyond the person with the diagnosis. The core symptoms of ADHD—inattention, impulsivity, and sometimes hyperactivity—shape how people interact with their partners in both obvious and subtle ways.

Misinterpreting ADHD Behaviors

Misunderstandings about ADHD behaviors create hurt feelings for a lot of couples. When one partner consistently forgets important dates, interrupts conversations, or struggles with household responsibilities, the other might interpret these actions as signs of not caring. In reality, these behaviors typically stem from executive function differences in the ADHD brain,2 not a lack of love or commitment.

Many people with ADHD also experience what’s called “time blindness,” making it hard for them to estimate how long tasks will take or remember time-sensitive commitments. This can show up as procrastination, chronic lateness, and rushed preparations that put stress on everyone involved. To add to the frustration, challenges with emotional regulation can heighten reactions during disagreements and sometimes lead to emotional outbursts.

Research suggests that in romantic relationships where one partner has ADHD, the non-ADHD partner feels more dissatisfied4 when they don’t understand common behavioral patterns. But on the bright side, plenty of couples say once they recognize how ADHD influences their dynamics, they can develop strategies that work for their dynamic.

Infographic titled “Tips for Dating Someone with ADHD,” featuring eight relationship tips: communicate clearly, use shared tools, don’t take it personally, repeat without resentment, be flexible with time, understand their brain, and support rather than fix. Each tip includes a matching icon and is presented in a light purple design.

Common ADHD Relationship Patterns

Despite the challenges, people with ADHD can bring great qualities to their relationships. Many people with ADHD love deeply and passionately. They may be especially creative, spontaneous, or able to think outside the box when solving problems—all traits that can strengthen a healthy relationship.

Showing Affection

When it comes to showing love, ADHDers often have intense hyperfocus at the beginning of a relationship,4 showering their partners with attention, gifts, and enthusiasm. But when that naturally fades, they may struggle with consistent expressions of affection in daily life. This can be confusing for partners who value consistency, but the truth is that it’s not indifference; it’s an ADHD trait related to novelty-seeking.

We often see couples fall into a parent-child dynamic when one partner has ADHD. What specific strategies have you found most effective in helping couples break out of that pattern without making either partner feel blamed or inadequate?

A great strategy is externalizing the problem. It’s easy in these types of dynamics to label the person with ADHD as the ‘problem’, and then everything is run through that person being the main issue. Instead, couples should focus on ADHD as the issue and how it impacts the relationship, rather than getting down on one another. Focusing efforts on outsmarting ADHD together can bring you closer and help you recognize that the issue is not with one another, but with ADHD and how it influences the relationship.

Dr. David Tzall, Licensed Psychologist

Communication

Communication often follows similar patterns. Someone with ADHD may hyperfocus during important discussions but seem distracted during routine conversations. They might also interrupt or change topics quickly—not because they don’t value what their partner is saying, but because their brain is making connections at a different pace.

Parent-Child Dynamics

A big challenge for a lot of non-ADHD partners6 is feeling like they’re the responsible one in the relationship. This dynamic can create resentment if it’s not addressed openly. Meanwhile, the partners with ADHD can feel constantly criticized or misunderstood, wondering why their efforts don’t seem good enough.

Melissa Orlov, author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage, explains the parent-child dynamic in couples with ADHD:6

The non-ADHD partner often steps in to complete tasks in what they see as a more efficient way, leading to resentment when they feel they are doing more than their fair share…‘It’s easier to do it myself’ is efficient in the short term and can relieve anxiety, but does little to change the overall pattern for the better.

These patterns don’t mean relationships with ADHD are destined for problems. Understanding these tendencies empowers you to figure out solutions that meet everyone’s needs.

Infographic titled “Dating Someone With ADHD: Why Things Feel Different Long Term,” comparing the beginning of a relationship—marked by intense attention, romantic gestures, and effortless connection—with the long-term phase, where attention feels inconsistent, communication gets messy, and partners may feel neglected. Includes illustrated brain icons with symbols representing love and distraction.

How to Build Stronger Relationships: Strategies for Couples

Building a thriving relationship where ADHD is involved means developing healthy coping mechanisms that work with your unique dynamics, not against them. Here are some practical approaches couples find helpful:

1. Communicate Clearly and Specifically

For many ADHDers, abstract requests like “help more around the house” can be overwhelming and hard to act on. Instead, try specific requests like: “Could you take out the trash before bed on Tuesdays and Thursdays?” Clarity like this helps everyone do better.

2. Use Visual Aids

Visual reminders can strengthen your communication significantly. Shared calendars, reminder apps, or strategically placed sticky notes serve as external memory aids that prevent misunderstandings about commitments. For many ADHDers, seeing information makes it more accessible than just hearing it. Consider creating a family command center with a whiteboard for important messages, a calendar for events, and color-coded systems for different family members.

Many non-ADHD partners struggle with feeling like their ADHD partner’s intense early relationship focus was somehow “fake” when it naturally fades. How do you help couples understand and navigate this shift in attention?

That intense early focus from an ADHD partner at a relationship’s beginning isn’t fake! It’s often fueled by the novelty of the new relationship and possibly a bit of hyperfixation. As the relationship begins to settle, so will those intense feelings, which may cause some uncertainty for the non-ADHD partner. For the person with ADHD, it’s valuable to attempt to practice mindfulness by paying attention on purpose without judgment in the relationship.  This type of intentionality and presence will benefit both partners and will help foster communication and connection.

Tricia Johnson, LCSW

3. Build in Flexibility 

While structure helps manage ADHD symptoms,7 too much rigidity can cause undue stress. The sweet spot is structured flexibility: Having routines but allowing room for adjustment.

Weekly check-ins, for example, can be especially helpful. Set a regular time to discuss what’s working, what isn’t, and what adjustments you need. These conversations work best when they’re short, positive, and solution-oriented.

4. Accept Different Time Styles

Time management differences8 often create conflict in your relationship. To work with time blindness, try creating buffer zones (extra time before deadlines or appointments) to reduce stress for everyone. 

You can also use written reminders. Psychiatrist Dr. Tracey Marks recommends,9 

If you need a task completed by a specific time, write it down and be specific. You probably also need to anticipate the consequences for them, because remember the person with ADD has trouble with planning and foresight.

For important events, consider handling time-sensitive preparations yourself while your ADHD partner contributes in ways that can be done ahead of time. Strategies like these use both your strengths without causing more frustration.

5. Lean Into Your Strengths

Your relationship will work better when you both handle tasks that align with your natural abilities. If your ADHD partner excels at spontaneous problem-solving but struggles with routine chores, consider dividing responsibilities accordingly.

Supporting Your Partner With ADHD

Supporting your ADHD partner isn’t about managing them—it’s about creating an environment where you both can thrive.

Recognize Effort Over Results

Your ADHD partner often puts a lot of work into tasks that still don’t turn out perfectly. Noticing their efforts instead of focusing solely on the results can go a long way in improving your connection.

Separate the Person From the Symptoms

During frustrating moments, remind yourself that ADHD behaviors aren’t personal choices.10 Your partner isn’t deliberately forgetting important events or leaving tasks unfinished—these are manifestations of how their brain works.

This perspective shift doesn’t mean accepting harmful behaviors, but it does grow compassion that makes problem-solving easier.

Maintain Your Own Boundaries

Supporting your loved one with ADHD shouldn’t come at the expense of your own mental health. Setting clear boundaries about what you need and what you can reasonably offer will help you prevent burnout and resentment.

As a non-ADHD partner, finding community with others in similar relationships can give you some very helpful emotional support and practical strategies. Support groups and online forums like these are safe spaces where you can talk about your experiences and explore solutions:

  • The ADDA (Attention Deficit Disorder Association) has online support groups and workshops, plus a manual if you want to start your own.
  • CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) offers local support groups and resources across the U.S. and internationally.
  • ADDitude Magazine hosts a free ADHD support group for adults on Facebook.

When and Where to Look for Professional Help

Sometimes relationships benefit from additional support. Consider reaching out to a therapist if you notice:

  • Your conflicts about ADHD-related issues are becoming more frequent or intense
  • You’re falling into unhealthy patterns, such as parent-child dynamics
  • One or both of you frequently feel unhappy or misunderstood
  • ADHD symptoms are significantly impacting important areas of your life, like work or finances

When working with couples where ADHD plays a role, how do you help them develop communication systems that stick long-term (rather than just working for a few weeks before falling apart)?

When ADHD is present in a relationship, long-term communication success relies on consistency over intensity and a lot of psycho-education. Instead of dramatic overhauls to the relationship foundation, I help couples build simple, repeatable systems, like weekly check-ins or cue-based reminders, that are easy to use and realistic to incorporate into busy schedules. We also address emotional reactivity by teaching partners how to pause, clarify, listen, and reconnect during moments of flooding or dysregulation. The goal is to make communication feel sustainable, not exhausting.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP, CIMPH | Astute Counseling & Wellness Services

Behavioral Therapy

Couples therapy with a mental health professional who understands ADHD can be especially helpful. An experienced therapist can help you create strategies and facilitate conversations with your partner about relationship issues. A lot of couples find that even a few sessions really improve their communication and understanding.

ADHD Coaching

ADHD coaching11 is another valuable resource. A coach can help your partner develop systems for managing time, completing tasks, and addressing disorganization—all of which help reduce relationship stress.

If you suspect undiagnosed ADHD, asking them if they’d be open to getting an evaluation might open a door to more effective solutions. If they have better resources for managing their ADHD, it could significantly improve your relationship dynamics.

Loving Someone With ADHD Doesn’t Have to Be Hard

Living with someone with ADHD brings unique challenges, but it also brings opportunities for connection and growth. Learning how ADHD affects your relationship patterns, communicating clearly, and co-creating strategies that work with ADHD traits can help you build a stronger partnership.

On this journey, remember to aim for progress, not perfection. What matters most is creating a relationship where both of you feel valued, supported, and seen.

If you or your significant other is struggling with ADHD symptoms that impact your relationship, treatment can make a real difference. Find ADHD specialists near you and speak to someone about your goals today.

FAQs

Q: How does an ADHD person show love?

A: ADHDers often show love through enthusiastic bursts of affection rather than consistent daily actions. They may express love through creative surprises, thoughtful gifts, and intense focus during quality time, but struggle with routine check-ins and small daily gestures of affection.

Q: Do people with ADHD struggle to keep relationships?

A: People with ADHD can maintain successful long-term relationships when both partners understand ADHD’s impact and develop effective coping strategies. ADHD relationships succeed when couples prioritize clear communication, establish supportive routines, and recognize that ADHD traits influence—but don’t determine—relationship outcomes.

Q: Can ADHD cause divorce or serious relationship problems?

A: Untreated ADHD can increase relationship conflict, which in turn can increase divorce risk—but there’s no conclusive evidence that ADHD leads to higher divorce rates. Issues usually stem from misinterpreted symptoms, communication difficulties, and uneven responsibilities. But effective treatment, ADHD-specific relationship strategies, and mutual understanding significantly reduce these risks.

What strategies help improve communication with someone who has ADHD?

Effective ADHD communication strategies include: 

  • Having clear, direct conversations
  • Sending written follow-ups for important information
  • Setting distraction-free times for discussions
  • Making specific requests instead of general statements
  • Implementing structures like regular check-ins
  • Using visual aids like to-do lists to reinforce verbal communication

How can I support my ADHD partner without becoming their parent?

Support your ADHD partner as a teammate, rather than a manager, by:

  • Establishing clear, equitable responsibilities
  • Focusing on strengths instead of deficits
  • Collaborating on systems that work with their brain
  • Maintaining healthy boundaries
  • Addressing parent-child-like dynamics early through open communication or professional counseling when needed

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Mastering the Gray Rock Method: A Guide to Detaching From Toxic Interactions

The emotional toll of toxic relationships can be immense. Interactions that routinely go poorly and violate your personal boundaries leave you feeling drained. 

That’s where the gray rock method comes in.

Think of a gray rock: dull, uninteresting, and unfazed. The gray rock method equips you to become just that—emotionally unresponsive—to someone’s negativity. 

This method isn’t about confrontation or revenge. It’s a strategic way to set boundaries and protect yourself from emotional abuse. If you’re constantly walking on eggshells around someone who doesn’t engage well, this method can be a lifeline. It allows you to minimize the harm and emotional exhaustion these interactions cause. 

Here’s how the gray rock method works, why some people choose to use it, and how you can apply it to your life.

Understanding Toxic Relationships

Toxic patterns are common in relationships with narcissists and other cluster B personalities.1 Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance, lack empathy, and thrive on manipulating others. All of these traits make for predictably poor interactions. 

“If you have ongoing exposure to controlling people,2 it’s a virtual certainty that you’re going to experience blurry boundaries,” says clinical therapist and narcissism expert Dr. Les Carter. 

But not all difficult interactions warrant the gray rock method. There’s a difference between the all-consuming conflicts that chronically occur in relationships with emotionally immature people and the smaller problems that naturally occur in “normal” relationships.

Note: Gray rock is often used for relationships involving narcissistic abuse. While the term is often used casually, narcissism is defined3 as “a personality disorder with the following characteristics:

  • A long-standing pattern of grandiose self-importance and an exaggerated sense of talent and achievements
  • Fantasies of unlimited sex, power, brilliance, or beauty
  • An exhibitionistic need for attention and admiration
  • Either cool indifference or feelings of rage, humiliation, or emptiness as a response to criticism, indifference, or defeat
  • Various interpersonal disturbances, such as feeling entitled to special favors, taking advantage of others, and inability to empathize with the feelings of others”

Signs of a Toxic Relationship 

Red flags that signal a toxic relationship are easy to overlook, especially if you haven’t learned to identify them, or if your childhood experiences tell you they’re normal. So how can you tell the difference between normal relationship conflict and emotional abuse? Start by asking yourself if you’re experiencing the following: 

  • A one-sided power dynamic: You feel belittled, manipulated, or criticized.
  • Walking on eggshells: You constantly dread their next episode and perform in ways you think will gain their approval.
  • Emotional manipulation: They use shame and guilt trips to control your behavior.
  • Energy drain: Interactions leave you feeling depleted and emotionally exhausted.
  • Disrespect: They chronically disrespect your humanity and personal boundaries.
  • Lack of empathy: They show little to no concern for your feelings or emotional well-being.
  • Isolating behavior: They try to control who you see, effectively limiting your social circle.
  • Rage: They have unpredictable outbursts or anger issues.
  • Gaslighting: They deny or twist reality to make you question your perception.
  • Pathological lying: They lie compulsively and without reason.

Gray rock doesn’t apply to healthy relationships, which benefit from working through problems using clear communication. It’s a coping strategy for people who need to minimize the damage that toxic relationships cause. 

Why People Choose to Use Gray Rock 

Narcissists lack empathy.4 They struggle to see things from your perspective and have little regard for your emotional well-being. As such, they use manipulative tactics like shaming, gaslighting, or outright lies to get what they want. As a result, you’re left feeling drained, unheard, and questioning your sanity.

Because of this, many people choose to go no-contact with narcissists,5 especially when leaving an abusive partner. But no-contact isn’t always possible—and isn’t always the best solution. Sometimes you need to maintain relationships with emotionally immature people (for example, to co-parent a child with an ex). Other times, stopping contact altogether involves more emotional labor than simply keeping it to a minimum.

Implementing the Gray Rock Method

Gray rocking is a way of protecting your energy by giving people who intend to manipulate you nothing to work with. This means not sharing inner thoughts and feelings. “Narcissists are data collectors,”6 says Dr. Carter. “The more you share your thoughts, they’re just collecting data to use against you later on.” 

The goal of gray rock is to put yourself in the most neutral position possible. By becoming emotionally unresponsive, you decrease narcissists’ interest in you as a target. Here are some ways you can use it: 

  • Minimize emotional reactions.  Avoid expressing strong emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. This might feel unnatural at first, but remember, you’re aiming to be a dull rock, not a juicy target.
  • Limit conversation. Respond to questions with short, bland, factual answers. Avoid elaborate explanations or justifications. Opt for one-word answers like “okay,” “sure,” or “fine” when possible.
  • Maintain a neutral demeanor. Keep your body language neutral. Avoid making eye contact, crossing your arms, or fidgeting excessively. A calm and unbothered exterior further discourages engagement.
  • Keep it brief. Keep verbal exchanges as short as possible.
  • Don’t share your opinions or expand on ideas. Reveal the least amount of information possible about yourself.
  • Don’t make attempts to correct their thinking. If they start antagonizing you, don’t argue back. End the interaction.  

Gray rock also extends to digital communication.

  • Keep texts and emails short and to the point.
  • Don’t answer calls or messages until you feel emotionally ready. 
  • Mute, block, or use do-not-disturb mode as necessary. 

Examples: Using Gray Rock in Conversation 

When you know you’re stepping into a challenging interaction, it helps to have a plan. Here are some ideas: 

Replies 

Give bland, non-committal responses without expanding further on ideas. You can also use one-word replies like “okay,” “sure,” and “interesting,” in a neutral tone. 

Neutral Topics 

Likewise, it can be useful to have some topics in your back pocket in case you need to steer the conversation away from sensitive subjects. These might include: 

  • The weather: “I heard it’s supposed to rain tomorrow.” 
  • Non-controversial current events: “Did you hear about the [positive news story]?”
  • Your surroundings: “This coffee shop has a nice atmosphere.”
  • Food: “Have you tried that new Italian place downtown?” 

Redirecting the Conversation 

You can also (cautiously) steer the conversation away from things you’d rather not talk about using phrases like these: 

  • “I haven’t thought much about that lately.” (followed by a safe topic)
  • “That’s interesting, but I actually need to get going.” (if appropriate)

Keeping the Focus on Them

One Redditor, nospaceforyou, says to avoid disclosing too much personal information to a narcissist,7 “keep him talking about himself,” using questions like: 

  • “What have you been up to?
  • Are you still doing [insert hobby]?
  • Have you seen [insert movie]? I’m trying to decide whether or not to go. What do you think?
  • Have you had lunch/dinner yet?
  • How is [insert one of their friends] doing these days? Do you still talk?
  • Do you have plans to go anywhere this summer?”

The key is to keep responses brief, factual, and non-judgmental. Avoid getting drawn into emotional discussions or sharing personal details that could spark further conversation. Remember, your safety comes first. If the situation escalates or feels unsafe, remove yourself from the interaction.

With all of these techniques, proceed with caution. Your relationship dynamic is unique, and you know best what will escalate or deescalate a situation. 

Is Gray Rocking Narcissistic Behavior? 

Stonewalling8 (giving you the silent treatment, ghosting, or shutting down) is a common narcissistic tactic. So what’s the difference between this and gray rock? The answer is: the motive.

“There’s a difference between selfishness and self-preservation,” says Dr. Carter. Stonewalling is a narcissistic person’s way of punishing you for not going along with their agenda. Gray rocking, on the other hand, is not used for manipulation.

Boundaries and Self-Care

Boundaries keep us safe and set the standard for how we want to be treated. By using the gray rock technique, you’re placing a clear limit on how much emotional energy you’re willing to invest. But it’s not a solution in and of itself. It should be used alongside other self-care strategies to protect your emotional well-being.

If boundary setting has been difficult for you in the past, there’s no need to feel bad about it. In fact, many empathetic people struggle with setting boundaries. The good news is that boundary setting is a skill that can be learned.

As you navigate this relationship, prioritize activities that replenish your emotional energy. Keep doing the daily routines that make you feel well, and surround yourself with supportive people. Rest more if you need to and do things that nourish your spirit, like spending time in nature. 

Have Your Own Back 

It’s normal to feel a little guilty when setting boundaries—especially if you’ve been conditioned to believe that standing up for yourself is wrong. But deciding to put a stop to the emotional depletion you’ve experienced is a huge act of self-love. It’s also a brave acceptance of the situation for what it is. It’s your way of saying that the other person can think and act however they want, and you’re no longer invested in trying to make it different. Your job is not to internalize their opinions, but to live your life and be true to yourself.

“Some people just cannot engage well,” says Dr. Carter. “Gray rock is a way of practicing self-care and self-respect, and is a reasonable way to engage with someone who does not participate well.”

Note: Gray rock is a temporary strategy for managing difficult people. It doesn’t address the root cause of the toxicity. Toxic relationships give us a lot to unpack, and therapy can help us process, heal, and learn from what happened. 

Challenges and Considerations

Emotional detachment can feel awkward, especially if you’re used to expressing yourself openly. Suppressing your natural reactions might make you feel like you’re being fake. One Redditor, indulgent_taurus, says gray rock itself can be emotionally tiring:9

“Due to my fawn response, I’ve never felt comfortable saying ‘no’ or setting boundaries around certain topics…I’m grateful for the grey rock technique. BUT, it’s also exhausting. It’s hard for me to give those bland, boring answers without sounding defensive or angry…my hypervigilance is on overdrive when I’m in her presence.”

“I had every right to step away from people who had hurt me deeply.”

The decision to minimize contact with someone you were close to is never easy—especially if that person is a family member. Sara D, a child abuse survivor, describes her experience: 

“I know other child abuse survivors and I know of no one, myself included, who made the decision to go no or low contact or grey rock lightly—no one. My very personal decisions to limit contact with my abuser and my enabler and, at another point, to have no contact whatsoever with the both of them certainly weighed heavily on me. Those decisions were some of the most painful and difficult yet also most impactful of my life!… They came with costs—to everyone involved. But those decisions felt necessary, and right; they were self-preserving decisions. And I had every right to step away from people who had hurt me deeply, who had betrayed my trust early and often and shown no remorse and taken no accountability.”

Gray rock doesn’t solve all your problems—the idea is that it costs you less than engaging in conflict.

Risks of Using Gray Rock

Gray rock is growing in popularity, but as of yet, not much research has been done on this technique. It also carries some potential risks: 

  • Escalation: Narcissists crave attention, and if they’re not getting the reaction they seek through their usual tactics, they might respond by escalating their behavior.
  • Feeling emotionally drained: While the goal is to be emotionally neutral, constantly suppressing your true feelings can be draining. It’s important to have healthy outlets for your emotions outside of this dynamic.
  • Inadvertently enabling: In some cases, a narcissist may misinterpret your lack of response as permission to continue their bad behavior. It’s important to maintain clear boundaries, even if you’re not engaging emotionally.

Adjusting Expectations

It’s hard to acknowledge, but it’s just not possible to have healthy, fair relationships with certain people. With gray rock, we let go of the expectation that our exchanges are going to be rewarding, or that we can change their behavior. Instead, we adjust our behavior to best handle the situation at hand. 

Alternatives and Support

In some situations, it’s better to walk away completely. If you feel unsafe, talk to a trained support specialist about making an exit plan. 

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
  • Crisis Text Hotline: text Home to 741741
  • Love Is Respect: 866-331-9474

Dealing with the fallout from a toxic relationship can be overwhelming. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Therapy and support groups provide a safe space to express yourself and connect with others who understand what you’re going through.

Take Charge of Your Interaction and Protect Your Well-Being

You deserve to feel safe and respected. You get to decide what’s in your best interest and how much emotional energy you want to spend. The gray rock method is just one tool you can use to maintain your personal boundaries. 

Even when using gray rock, managing these interactions takes an emotional toll. Be kind to yourself as you progress through your healing journey, and don’t hesitate to reach out for help when you need it. 

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How To Deal With My Husband’s Addiction

Dealing with a loved one’s addiction has no set blueprint, but learning how to cope with your husband’s addiction can help you both heal. Addiction’s deep roots and substantial impacts on life can make dealing with it feel impossible. But with the right treatment and support, you and your husband can find recovery.

What Should I Do About My Husband Being Addicted to Drugs or Alcohol?

If your husband is addicted to drugs or alcohol, know you can’t force them to get better. You can support them in their treatment journey, offer encouragement, and set boundaries, but you can’t cure them. That’s okay; you’re not meant to. 

What you should or shouldn’t do also depends on your unique situation. Spouses in abusive relationships may not feel safe acknowledging their husband’s addiction or suggesting they get treatment. If you’re in an abusive relationship, you have several resources for help. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the National Sexual Assault Hotline, and 911 (or your local emergency number) if you’re in imminent danger. 

Some spouses may feel comfortable with a direct, confrontational approach. How you go about it can differ widely from one relationship to the next. Your unique relationship can determine what you do and don’t do about your husband’s addiction. Here are a few examples:

Have a Discussion About Getting Help

You can raise your concerns during a conversation. For example, you could say:

“I’ve noticed you’re drinking more and regularly getting tipsy or drunk. I don’t think this is good for you, and it makes me uncomfortable. I want to help you get help. What do you think about starting treatment?”

In this discussion, you can gauge their willingness to seek treatment. Be sure you tell your husband how their drinking affects you, your relationship, and the children you may have. Let them know you’re there to support and encourage them through treatment.

Set Boundaries and Avoid Enabling

You likely spend a lot of time with your husband. They live with you, see you daily, and may also parent with you. It’s natural to want to help them in any way you can, but that can lead to enabling behaviors and the loss of your personal boundaries.

You can prevent this by setting healthy boundaries as soon as you can. Establish immediately that you won’t cover their absences, give them money, or make excuses for their behavior. That can help keep your time and emotional wellness intact. You can also refuse to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. 

Giving money, making excuses, or taking on their responsibilities can enable your husband’s addiction. Doing so can make them feel more comfortable not seeking treatment or help.

How to Cope with Husband’s Addiction

Coping strategies can help you stay mentally well. Remember, your coping strategies are to help you cope, not your husband. You’re not responsible for fixing them. What you can do is help yourself; that way, you’ll be in a place to offer support and encouragement.

Spend Time With Them Mindfully

Be watchful of the time you spend with your husband. If they’re actively addicted to drugs or alcohol, spending all your free time with them may negatively impact your mental health. Time away from them can help you set priorities and stay aware of your emotions and feelings. 

Practice Self-Care

Maintaining a self-care regime can help you cope with your husband’s addiction. Self-care could look different for everyone. Examples include:

  • Time set aside for your hobbies and interests
  • Taking care of your body–skincare, exercise, and good sleep
  • Meeting up with friends and loved ones
  • Making yourself nutritious meals and stay hydrated

Get Professional Treatment

Going to therapy can help you cope with your husband’s addiction. Your therapist or counselor can help you process challenges, create a toolset of coping skills, and help you formulate action plans. Loved ones can also join family support groups to connect with other families.

Discover Support for Family Members

Spouses and other family members have options for support. Peer groups meet worldwide to connect, offer encouragement, and share in each other’s challenges. One of these groups is Al-Anon, created for the loved ones of alcoholics. It follows a similar structure of AA/NA meetings.

Family members can also join Nar-Anon, which supports family members of someone struggling with a drug addiction. Learn to Cope offers peer support in person and online. SMART Recovery (non-12-Step) also has groups and resources for families.

In these groups, you’ll meet with other family members and a facilitator will lead the group. You’ll have the chance to share your experiences, offer and receive support, and find encouragement in shared struggles. Your groups may have a theme, like processing grief or trauma from your loved one’s addiction, or be a more broad sharing experience.

You could also find support groups in your local community. Some community centers, churches, or religious organizations have family peer support groups. Check your local resources (webpage for your city, social media groups) to see what’s available. 

You can also attend family therapy with your husband. Many treatment centers offer this service to help you and your spouse heal together. You can also attend family therapy in an outpatient setting.

Treatment Options for Your Husband’s Addiction

When your husband feels ready and committed to treatment, they’ll have many options to choose from. His clinical needs, history of substance use, and preferences determine which level of care will be the best fit. His doctor can assess his current state with addiction and recommend a level of care, or staff at a rehabilitation center may make the assessment before admitting your husband into treatment.

Questions to Ask Your Provider

Your husband can ask several questions at the initial doctor’s appointment to clarify his needs and treatment pathway. Here are a few to keep in mind as he embarks on this journey:

  1. What level of care would suit my situation and symptoms best?
  2. Do I have a co-occurring mental health condition?
  3. Will medications improve my symptoms, and would you recommend them?
  4. What are the potential side effects of those medications?
  5. Will I need to detox?
  6. What other care options and resources would you recommend?

Levels of Care for Addiction

Many people begin their treatment journey in detox to rid their bodies of addictive substances safely. Some people won’t need detox; it’s always best to let your doctor or a treatment facility decide. From there, your husband may progress through each level of care or start and stop at one level.

  • Detox: a safe, monitored phase where your husband will stop taking substances and let them clear from his system. Medications can make this process safer and more comfortable. It’s not recommended to detox at home since detoxing can cause potentially harmful withdrawal symptoms.
  • Residential Treatment: live-in treatment with 24/7 monitoring, structured schedules, and onsite treatment. Your husband will attend various therapies to address the root cause of their addiction. Many residential rehabs allow family visits and provide family therapy.
  • Day Treatment: your husband will live at home or in a sober living residence (living in a house with other peers in sobriety; strict no-substance rules) and attend about 30 hours of weekly treatment. 
  • Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP): similar to day treatment, but your husband will spend less time in treatment. Some IOPs have day or evening programs for greater flexibility. He’ll spend about 20 hours in weekly treatment and have more time for work and family.  
  • General Outpatient: two or three weekly therapy sessions, usually in a group setting. Your husband will live at home or in sober living.

Locate a Detox Center

Detox may be the first step in your husband’s recovery journey. It can also be the first step to a healthier marriage and improved mental health. Detox centers have experience detoxing clients from alcohol and a wide range of illegal and prescribed drugs. 
To find a detox center, use Recovery.com to browse detox centers in your area and view photos, insurance information, and reviews.

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What to Know Before Dating Someone in Addiction Recovery

Recovery is a life-changing journey and an admirable undertaking. It also comes with significant challenges that can impact how someone shows up in a relationship. If you’re dating someone in recovery, anticipating and learning how to navigate these challenges—and taking care of yourself in the process—is key.

Here’s what you can expect, and how to ensure the relationship is healthy for everyone involved. 

Understanding Addiction Recovery

Recovery is a transformative journey that people take on when overcoming addiction and its underlying causes. It’s not just about abstaining from a substance, but also a deeply personal healing process. People in recovery often undergo profound transformation, rediscovering their sense of self-worth and purpose in life. They learn to cope with past traumas, unmask what drives their addiction, and learn new coping skills. For most people, recovery is a lifelong endeavor that involves continuous self-improvement.

It’s helpful for loved ones of those in recovery to understand this process, both to establish healthy boundaries for themselves and to be supportive to their partners. 

Dating in Early Recovery 

Addiction experts generally advise against dating in early recovery. That’s because this stage—the first year of sobriety—is a vulnerable time in which people are processing traumas and going through changes. It’s a good time to focus on introspection and healing. 

It may also take some time before the dust settles enough to see relationship patterns clearly. One man in recovery, Chris Boutte, explains how he used women to fill the same void he filled with drugs and alcohol:1 

As with my moment of clarity about drugs and alcohol, I had to sit back and think about what else I was using to fill this void, and the answer was women…I then realized that I wasn’t only dependent to drugs and alcohol, but I was dependent to relationships.

People can get addicted to sex and love just as they can to substances. But true happiness comes from within, and much of the work of early recovery has to do with cultivating happiness without the use of addictive behaviors.

Disclosure and Communication

In any relationship, honest communication is the key to trust and intimacy. This is especially true when dating someone in addiction recovery. To foster this, you can create a safe space for candid discussions about recovery, including past addiction issues. 

This vulnerable sharing can bring couples closer. But addictions are rooted in trauma, which is a sensitive subject. Remember that your partner has a right to open up about their past if and when they’re ready. Talking through it can be healing, but pressuring someone to disclose their trauma2 is often triggering and counterproductive. 

When you do enter these conversations, practice listening actively and without judgment. That means not only hearing the words your partner says but also understanding their feelings, concerns, and needs. By being non-judgmental, you create an environment where your partner can open up without fear of criticism.

Emotional Ups and Downs

The journey of recovery involves ebbs and flows. As your partner progresses through their healing process, they’ll run into challenges. Past traumas may surface unpredictably as they venture into parts of themselves they previously avoided. They may be elated at times as they feel newly empowered or connect with joys they didn’t feel during addiction. 

It helps to know that processing the past can influence your partner’s present emotional state. And while you can provide safe space and a listening ear, it’s not your job to soothe their negative feelings. These emotional shifts are a natural part of recovery, and their own experience of this journey—even when unpleasant—is important.

Triggers and Relapse Concerns

The world is not a trigger-free place, and while your partner should learn to manage triggers, it’s also a good idea to avoid them if they’re feeling especially vulnerable. Relapse triggers3 can be environmental, emotional, or social.

  • Environmental triggers include being in places associated with past substance use.
  • Emotional triggers can stem from stress, anxiety, or unresolved trauma. 
  • Social triggers can arise from peer pressure or interactions with friends who still use substances. 

Recognizing these triggers is the first step to minimizing their impact. 

Responding to Signs of Potential Relapse 

Understanding signs of relapse can help you proactively avoid it: 

  • Sudden changes in behavior
  • Secrecy
  • Mood swings
  • Social withdrawal 

If you notice these signs, address them early on with compassion and care. Be prepared to act quickly and seek professional help if the risk of relapse becomes imminent. If your partner does relapse, remember that backsliding is part of the recovery process for some and doesn’t mean total failure. Reconnecting with professional and social support can be a great opportunity to recommit to sobriety.

Keeping lines of communication open and allowing your partner to discuss their concerns freely, as well as encouraging habits that support their sobriety, can go a long way in empowering their recovery. 

Creating Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but are especially important to prioritize when dating someone in addiction recovery. This protective framework ensures the relationship remains healthy and supportive for both of you. By setting, respecting (and when necessary, reinforcing) boundaries, you create an environment of safety and trust.

Your boundaries may require adjustment as your needs change over time. As your partner progresses in their recovery journey, situations or topics that were initially off-limits may become acceptable as they feel less activated. Be willing to engage in conversations about modifying boundaries so they reflect the evolving needs of both partners. 

Supporting Recovery Efforts

Your partner is taking on a huge endeavor. You can be a source of encouragement and belief in their ability to overcome challenges. But it’s crucial to understand the difference between support and control. Your partner’s recovery journey is their own. Trust your judgment and avoid enabling behaviors4 that could hinder their progress and lead to a dysfunctional dynamic.

Attending Support Groups or Therapy Together

Joining your partner in support groups or therapy sessions can be a transformative experience. Attending therapy together allows you to gain an understanding of their journey, learn effective communication strategies, and address shared challenges. These experiences strengthen your connection and provide guidance for discussing issues you may not feel confident navigating on your own. It’s not just about your partner’s recovery; relationships are a shared opportunity for growth and healing.

Creating a Safe, Substance-Free Environment

Maintaining a substance-free environment is critical for the success of your partner’s recovery. Remove any substances from your spaces and communicate your expectations for your household. By creating an environment that prioritizes sobriety, you foster mutual respect and shared aspirations for a healthy, substance-free life together.

Self-Care for Partners

As a partner of someone in addiction recovery, it’s easy to focus all your energy and attention on their well-being. Keep in mind that your own self-care is not a luxury, but a necessity. The emotional demands of supporting someone through their recovery can be taxing, and neglecting your own well-being can lead to burnout. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s an investment in your ability to show up as your best self.

Healthy Coping Strategies

Incorporate self-care strategies into your daily routine. This could include setting aside time for relaxation and activities you enjoy. Exercise, creative expression, and mindfulness practices are powerful stress relievers. Maintain boundaries to prevent your partner’s challenges from overwhelming you, and remember it’s okay to ask for help or take breaks when you need to. Staying close to your own social support network is also key. Surround yourself with friends and family who understand your situation and can provide emotional support when you need it.

Seeking Support or Therapy When Dealing With Unique Challenges

Therapy or support groups are invaluable for partners dealing with the unique challenges of supporting someone in recovery. These resources offer a safe, confidential space to share your feelings, receive guidance, and gain tools for coping. Therapy can help you navigate your role in your partner’s recovery, manage your own stress and anxiety, and address any codependency issues that may have developed. 

Prioritizing your own emotional well-being and personal growth makes for a healthier, more balanced relationship with your partner in recovery. 

Navigating Relationship Challenges

One common hurdle when dating someone in addiction recovery is miscommunication due to differing expectations or past issues. Past traumatic experiences5 can sometimes cause mistrust or insecurity, which can show up as hurtful behaviors. It’s helpful to anticipate these challenges and address them as they arise. With patience, understanding, and mutual effort, you can build a resilient partnership with someone in recovery.

Resources and Support

Thankfully, plenty of resources can help you understand addiction and how to navigate your relationship with someone in recovery:

Books

Websites

Support Groups

Professional Help

Sometimes, complex challenges require professional help. Couples therapy or counseling can provide a structured, supportive environment to address issues and build a healthier partnership. Trained therapists or counselors can help you navigate the intricacies of dating someone in recovery and provide tools to strengthen your relationship. You can also attend therapy on your own. 

It’s Okay to Reach Out

Remember that you’re not alone in this journey and don’t hesitate to seek support when you need it. Reach out to your own support network for advice or simply a listening ear. Seeking assistance is a sign of strength, and it can make a huge difference in how you navigate the challenges of dating someone in recovery. Prioritize self-care and your emotional well-being, and never underestimate the power of community and professional help when facing these complex challenges.

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How Alcohol Destroys Relationships

Alcohol abuse doesn’t just affect you; it can also profoundly affect people around you—especially a romantic partner. Even if you aren’t addicted to alcohol, it can bring out behaviors that aren’t aligned with who you really are. You may not even realize that your loved ones are incurring the consequences of your drinking until it’s too late. 

While relationships don’t fail overnight, alcohol can chip away at their foundation over time. In general, alcohol is linked to relationship dissatisfaction.1

9 Signs Alcohol Is Ruining Your Relationship

Drinking rocks the stability of relationships by causing communication breakdowns, neglect, secretive behavior, and escalating conflicts. 

1. You Experience Frequent Communication Breakdowns 

Communication breakdowns are an early warning sign of damaged relationships. It’s hard to have a conversation with someone under the influence. Alcohol disrupts areas of the brain that control speech and judgment. Intoxication makes it hard to express your emotions2 or understand how others feel. And because alcohol impairs judgment, it may cause you to say or do things you regret.

It’s normal for people to disagree at times, but frequent communication issues hurt relationships. Alcohol use disorder can have long-term effects on your ability to communicate. One study suggests that people with alcohol addiction have trouble expressing emotions3 months after they’ve quit drinking. 

2. Neglected Responsibilities Pile Up

Alcohol abuse leads to neglectful behavior, harming relationships. It’s easy to lose track of time when you’re drinking. Hangovers are exhausting4 and ruin motivation. Ignored responsibilities can accumulate over time. 

Acts of neglect might start out small, like missing an appointment or skipping chores one day. But with alcohol addiction, this rarely happens just once. Neglecting responsibilities usually means your partner takes on more, and unequal work in a relationship can lead to resentment. Each time you break a promise, you break your partner’s trust. Over time, this damages the integrity of your dynamic.

3. You Notice an Impact on Your Sex Drive

Another way alcohol ruins relationships is by lowering sex drive.5 Alcohol triggers the feel-good chemicals in your brain that allow you to experience pleasure. Over time, your brain learns to associate pleasure with alcohol. As that happens, you can lose interest in other things, including sex and intimacy. Heavy, long-term drinking also causes physiological changes that lower sex drive. For example, alcohol abuse reduces testosterone levels in men.6 Physical intimacy and emotional connection are important aspects of a healthy relationship.

4. You Neglect Your Personal Well-Being

When we think of how alcohol destroys relationships, we tend to look at its impact on others. But neglecting yourself can also hurt your relationship with your partner. 

Neglect can be physical, like eating unhealthily or not taking care of your hygiene. But ignoring your mental health is also a form of neglect. Many people self-soothe with alcohol when they feel bad, but in the long run, drinking to cope makes your mood less stable and your emotional state worse. When you spend so much time drinking, you also lose out on quality time with loved ones. The resulting isolation can worsen your mental health and increase your risk of addiction.  

5. Financial Problems Arise

Alcohol addiction is expensive. Heavy drinking can lead to irresponsible spending, mounting debt, and financial instability. Drinking alcohol also affects your work.7 Hangovers and bad sleep make it hard to focus. Poor performance can eventually put your job security at risk, which in turn impacts your family. 

Financial issues hurt relationships—so much so that financial arguments are a top indicator of divorce.8 One study found that financial issues increase the risk of divorce by 15%.9 

Financial tension impacts other family members too, including kids. Children in families with significant debt are more likely to face mental health disorders10 like depression.

There are ways to repair the damage. Many addiction treatment programs teach skills for life in recovery, and some include financial management. 

6. Alcohol Is More Important Than Your Relationship

As drinking takes center stage, everything else fades into the background. This doesn’t just fracture relationships; it signals a more serious issue. Prioritizing alcohol is one sign of alcohol addiction,11 along with others:

  • The inability to control how much you drink
  • Thinking about alcohol obsessively
  • Continued drinking despite negative consequences

When you’re ready to heal, you might think you can just quit cold-turkey. But depending on your drinking history, quitting on your own can be dangerous. Alcohol withdrawal symptoms can include delirium tremens (DTs), a potentially life-threatening condition. To recover safely, it’s important to detox under medical supervision. Seeking professional support is often the first step toward reclaiming your life and healing your relationships. 

7. Drinking Alcohol Triggers Secretive Behavior

Many people with alcohol addiction try to hide their drinking problem. You might do this in hopes of protecting the people you love. Sometimes people keep up appearances for awhile, but that doesn’t usually last. It’s only a matter of time before other issues, like financial infidelity or problems at work, bubble to the surface. 

Secrets undermine the integrity of any relationship. When your partner realizes the truth, they’ll likely feel betrayed. And once that happens, trust can be hard to reestablish.12 

8. You Start More Arguments

Alcohol contributes to aggression13 because it affects the areas of the brain responsible for decision-making, judgment, and impulse control. People under the influence may show aggression without even feeling angry.14 When you struggle with decision-making, you can’t weigh the pros and cons of your actions. It’s easier to misread situations you can’t properly judge. And impulsive people are more likely to be aggressive.15 These factors all play a role in escalating conflicts. 

Alcohol-induced conflicts harm relationships—and they can escalate into more seriously concerning behavior.

9. Conflicts Escalate Into Physical Abuse

If you or someone in your life is experiencing domestic violence, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to get immediate support. 

Drinking-related aggression can turn into a dangerous situation. A staggering 40% to 60% of reported domestic violence cases involve alcohol.16 Alcohol makes people likelier to act on violent tendencies. They may struggle to control their anger and impulses. These outcomes are even likelier the longer someone uses alcohol. That’s because sustained drinking causes permanent damage to parts of the brain responsible for impulse control.

It’s important to note that while there is a correlation between domestic abuse and alcohol, alcohol abuse doesn’t cause physical violence. Most people who are considered heavy drinkers don’t abuse their partners. And most physical abuse incidents don’t involve alcohol.

Some people blame their actions on alcohol, but using alcohol as a scapegoat absolves the abuser of responsibility. Ultimately, this prevents them from getting the help they need.  

If you’re experiencing abuse, the most important step is to get yourself to safety as soon as possible. When you can, seek professional support from a trauma-informed therapist and lean into your support network of family and friends.

Find an Alcohol Treatment Program

If you’re experiencing the damaging effects of alcohol on your relationships, you don’t have to live in this pattern forever. Professional support is available, designed to help people address struggles exactly like yours. Remember: getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Explore alcohol addiction treatment centers to learn about their program offerings, pricing, insurance coverage, and more.

Frequently Asked Questions About How Alcohol Ruins Relationships

What are the signs that alcohol is ruining my relationship?

Common signs that alcohol is threatening your relationship include frequent communication problems, neglected responsibilities, not taking care of your personal well-being, alcohol-related financial issues, and more.

What are the long-term effects of alcohol abuse on relationships?

Alcohol abuse can have lasting negative effects on a relationship. It can break trust—the foundation of a healthy relationship. If you prioritize drinking over quality time with your partner or family, or neglect your responsibilities, your partner may start to feel resentful.

What can I do to repair the damage caused by alcohol abuse?

If addiction is at the root of your relationship issues, treatment can help. Treatment options include inpatient rehab, therapy, support groups, and more. Most alcohol addiction treatment programs offer family therapy or couples counseling, where you learn how to work through problems and rebuild your relationships. Communication helps rebuild trust. Be honest with your partner about your drinking concerns and get the professional support you need.