Coping with addiction and navigating a path to recovery can feel like an impossible task, especially when it seems like the world is crumbling around you. In an episode of the podcast, “Giving Voice to Addiction,” Hector, a man in recovery, shares his powerful story of overcoming addiction, incarceration, and homelessness. His journey highlights a powerful message: even when you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. By addressing the root causes of addiction, building a strong support system, and learning new coping mechanisms, it’s possible to redefine your life and find a lasting sense of peace.
1. Coping with Trauma and Life Changes
For many, substance use isn’t a random choice but a response to underlying pain. As Hector shares, his journey with substances began at age 14 or 15 with alcohol and marijuana, primarily as a way to cope with a difficult home life. He explains, “it was really just masking what I was going through. Home life wasn’t great. Parents were going through a divorce, a separation.” This mirrors the experiences of many individuals who turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain of trauma and difficult life events. Instead of developing healthy coping skills, Hector found a temporary escape in substances, which he says, “were just taking me essentially outta my element. I wasn’t focused, I didn’t have direction. There was nothing that was keeping me stable and grounded.”
This highlights a key aspect of addiction: it often starts as a way to manage overwhelming emotions. When life throws us curveballs—like a family crisis, a sudden move, or a job loss—we need healthy outlets to process our feelings. Without them, we’re more susceptible to turning to unhealthy behaviors. Hector’s story is a reminder that addiction isn’t a moral failing; it’s a coping mechanism, albeit a destructive one, that often arises when a person doesn’t have the “avenues” or tools to navigate their feelings. As he mentions, he didn’t have access to the kind of support systems that are available today, like recovery coaches and peer support.
The moment substances cease to be a “solution” and become the primary problem is a turning point for many people struggling with addiction. For Hector, this shift happened when his life became entangled with the criminal justice system. He recalls, “I feel like once, like the criminal as criminal, like aspect of my life started like, I guess blossoming… just getting in trouble more.” His drug use wasn’t just a personal struggle; it began influencing his judgment and leading to real-world consequences, including multiple arrests and a period of being on a GPS bracelet.
His addiction also started to affect his career and his ability to find a stable job. He shares a frustrating experience where he would get job offers, only to have them pulled after a background check. This loss of opportunities led to a deeper depression, which he again tried to mask with drugs like Oxycontin and codeine. This illustrates how the consequences of addiction can fuel the addiction itself. The more he lost, the more he used, a downward spiral that he says, “I think I played more of a factor of it spiralling outta control than the substances, if you will.” He wasn’t a bad person; he was someone who lacked the right tools to deal with his problems.
3. The Forced Sobriety of Incarceration
It might seem counterintuitive, but for some, incarceration can be a pivotal moment in their recovery journey. It forces a complete break from the environment and habits that fuel addiction. For Hector, his longest jail stint, which lasted seven to eight months, played a crucial role. He explains that it “forced me into sobriety, if you will.” While no one wants to be incarcerated, he was able to use that time for positive change, and the forced break allowed his mind to clear and his thoughts to become more rational.
In this environment, he began to practice self-care and personal development by being more active and reading a lot more. He says, “I was just being a little bit more positively active with my mind and my body, and I think those changes started helping me feel better.” This demonstrates the power of creating new routines and focusing on positive habits. Incarceration didn’t magically solve his problems, but it gave him the physical space and mental clarity to start addressing them.
4. Reclaiming Your Identity and Building New Tools
One of the most profound aspects of Hector’s recovery is his shift from a life of shame and poor self-image to one of self-acceptance and purpose. He vividly describes his former self as “an asshole, a piece of shit.” These harsh words reflect the deep-seated shame that can accompany addiction and destructive behavior. However, his journey taught him that he wasn’t a bad person, but a person who lacked the right tools to navigate life’s challenges.
For Hector, one of the most significant tools he developed was the courage to seek professional help. He highlights the transformative power of therapy, saying it “opened that door up completely wide open for me.” Talking to a non-biased, non-judgmental professional helped him process his past actions and gain a new perspective on his identity. It challenged his way of thinking and made him realize that he wasn’t beyond redemption.
5. Sobriety vs. Recovery: A Different Path for Everyone
A common misconception about recovery is that it must follow a rigid, one-size-fits-all approach. However, Hector’s story challenges this notion, particularly in his distinction between sobriety and recovery. He defines sobriety as the goal of abstaining from substances, while recovery is the lifelong journey of healing and growth. He states, “recovery is the journey. Sobriety is the goal, if that’s what you want it to be. Again, everybody’s recovery is gonna be different.” This mindset embraces the reality that not everyone is ready or able to commit to complete abstinence right away.
Hector’s perspective aligns with the principles of harm reduction, a public health strategy that focuses on minimizing the negative consequences of drug use rather than demanding immediate abstinence. He acknowledges that there is a “middle ground” between total abstinence and active use. For him, this meant setting personal boundaries, like limiting his alcohol intake or using ride-sharing services to avoid drinking and driving. As someone who had multiple OWIs, these were crucial, life-saving choices.
6. The “Click”: Finding the Motivation Within
A major theme in Hector’s story is the idea of a “click”—a moment when a person’s mindset shifts and they become genuinely ready for change. For Hector, this moment was subtle but life-altering. While he was in the midst of his criminal case, his lawyer noticed a significant change in him. She told the court that he had become more “receptive” and that “something clicked.” This external validation was a powerful reinforcement of the internal changes he had already begun to make.
He explains that he had already started to notice a change in his demeanor, becoming less arrogant and more open. But he was also looking for external acknowledgment. When his lawyer recognized his progress, it gave him the validation he needed. He says, “maybe this isn’t farfetched. Maybe I am, you know, doing things correctly.” This “click” sparked a new sense of purpose, making him want to do more with his life.
7. Acknowledging What Comes and Letting It Go
One of the most valuable lessons Hector has learned is the art of acceptance. He’s found that a key to maintaining his peace is to “acknowledge what comes to you and sort of accept it and letting it go.” Life will always throw curveballs, both good and bad, but the key is not to let those events dictate your emotional state.
He reflects on a powerful personal philosophy: “nothing lasts forever, not the good or the bad.” This mindset allows him to weather life’s storms without letting them completely derail him. It’s about taking back control and not letting “the actions and the outcomes of actions… dictate where your peace is gonna be at.”
8. The Stepping Stone Approach
In recovery, the journey is often more important than the destination. Hector compares the process to a “stepping stone,” where you take one small step at a time without necessarily seeing the end of the path. He advises, “acknowledge what you’re doing in that moment… and then, you know, keep progressing little by little.” This approach is a powerful antidote to the feeling of being overwhelmed by the long road ahead.
9. Finding a New Purpose in Helping Others
One of the most rewarding parts of Hector’s recovery is his newfound purpose in helping others. He now works as a peer support specialist, a role that allows him to use his lived experience to guide people who are where he once was. He says he wants to help others “genuinely because I know that they might feel how I felt, like, it feels like there’s no way out.” This shift from a life of self-destruction to one of service is a common and powerful part of long-term recovery.
Life isn’t happening to you; it’s just happening. This profound realization, shared by Kori Leigh, a writer, recovery mentor, and host of The Kori Leigh Show podcast, is a cornerstone of her recovery journey. She challenges the common notion that life’s hardships are a personal attack, instead reframing them as neutral events to be navigated. In a powerful conversation on Recoverycast, Kori shared her story of navigating profound childhood trauma, a destructive battle with addiction, and the eventual surrender that led to a life of purpose and faith.
Before she reached sobriety in 2016, Kori’s life was a maelstrom of rage, self-hatred, and chaotic substance use, all stemming from a traumatic childhood. Her narrative isn’t just about overcoming addiction; it’s a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of a 12-step recovery program. Kori’s story is a raw and honest look at how unresolved trauma can fuel addiction and how the painful process of facing one’s past is the only way to build a future worth living.
1. Childhood Trauma as a Catalyst
From a young age, Kori’s world was marked by loss and emotional turmoil. Her older brother died from a heart condition when she was an infant, and her father passed away from a brain aneurysm when she was six years old. The trauma of losing her father, a man she adored, left a deep, indelible mark on her psyche. As a child, she struggled to comprehend the arbitrary nature of his death and developed a deep-seated hatred for God and a profound distrust of life itself.
“I hated God for taking my dad,” Kori shared. This anger became her primary coping mechanism, manifesting as rage, resentment, and a feeling of being abandoned by the very fabric of existence. This early trauma set the stage for a lifetime of seeking escape, a pattern that would later lead her down the path of addiction. The sudden, unexplained loss shattered her sense of safety and made her feel like a “puppy that had fallen off the back of the truck,” left to fend for herself in a world that seemed inherently hostile.
2. The Illusion of Control: The “Perfect” Double Life
Throughout her addiction, Kori maintained a facade of success and normalcy. She was a personal trainer, a marathon runner, and an author. She built a life that, from the outside, appeared to be thriving. This is a classic hallmark of high-functioning addiction—the ability to hide the chaos and destruction behind a veneer of accomplishment. For Kori, her athletic achievements and professional success were not sources of pride but rather tools for denial.
“No one can tell with me,” she stated, reflecting on her ability to mask her struggles. She believed that her outward success was proof that she didn’t have a problem, an idea that many people with substance use disorders cling to. This double life was a way to manage the intense shame and self-hatred that festered beneath the surface. It was a vicious cycle of self-harm, emotional chaos, and intense self-criticism.
This dual existence is a common theme in the lives of high-functioning addicts. They often excel in their careers, maintain social relationships, and engage in physically demanding activities, all while battling a severe addiction in secret. The shame and fear of exposure drive them to work even harder to maintain the illusion of control, making it incredibly difficult for loved ones to recognize the problem. The facade crumbles only when the addiction becomes so severe that it can no longer be hidden.
3. The Onset of Addiction: “I Was a Blackout Party Girl”
Kori’s substance use began in her teens, but it didn’t escalate into full-blown addiction until her mid-twenties. Her drug of choice wasn’t a daily habit but a weekend-long bender, a pattern of “blackout party girl” drinking that she believed absolved her of having a problem.
“I always thought an addict, an alcoholic was like daily. They drank in the morning, they drank like warm, cheap beer under a bridge,” Kori explained, highlighting a common misconception about alcoholism. “I was like a blackout party girl on the weekend, but my weekend was like Thursday to Sunday.”
This pattern of binge drinking, despite not being a daily habit, is a dangerous form of addiction that can cause significant physical and mental health issues. It’s a form of high-risk drinking that can lead to alcohol poisoning, accidents, and a host of long-term health problems.
Kori’s story is a powerful reminder that addiction doesn’t always fit the stereotypical mold. It can be a series of blackouts, a cycle of shame and denial, and a desperate attempt to escape from an inner world of pain and self-loathing. The chaotic lifestyle, losing her car, and the constant fear of what she had done the night before became her new normal.
4. The Rock Bottom: A Spiritual Breaking Point
The path to recovery often begins with a moment of profound crisis, a “rock bottom” where the illusion of control shatters completely. For Kori, this moment was not a single event but a slow, agonizing slide into a level of darkness she could no longer ignore. After a series of destructive relationships fueled by substance use, she found herself in a place of extreme anxiety, depression, and self-harm.
She had a moment of clarity while sitting in a bathtub, fully clothed and without water, where she swore off God. She believes this moment opened a “portal of darkness” that led to a period of severe spiritual and emotional turmoil.
The final descent into recovery came after a period of self-harm and insomnia. She decided to do a “cleanse” from alcohol, a final attempt to regain control. After a brief period of sobriety, she tried to reintroduce alcohol into her life, only to find the darkness returning with a vengeance. She had hit her breaking point.
5. Surrender and the Daily Practice of Recovery
The journey to recovery for Kori was a painful process of surrender. It wasn’t just about giving up alcohol but about surrendering the false narrative she had lived by for so long. She had to face the difficult truth that her life was unmanageable and that she was powerless over her addiction. This admission, she says, was the first step toward true freedom.
She emphasizes that recovery is not a one-time event but a daily practice. It’s about “playing the tape through,” considering the long-term consequences of her actions instead of seeking instant gratification. This is a core principle of 12-step programs, which emphasize the importance of making amends, seeking a spiritual connection, and helping others. For Kori, this meant embracing a life of purpose and faith after a lifetime of feeling disconnected.
“The flip side of recovery is so good,” Kori said, challenging the common misconception that sobriety is a “killjoy” of all fun. “It’s not just a bit better; it’s an entirely different existence.”
Her story is a powerful testament to the idea that recovery is not just about abstaining from a substance but about building a new life, one of meaning, purpose, and genuine connection.
6. The Long Road to Healing: Shame and Forgiveness
Even after achieving sobriety, Kori had to confront the immense shame she carried from her past. The memories of her blackout nights, the lost car, and the destructive behaviors were not erased by her new way of life. She had to work through the shame and forgive herself for the person she was.
“There’s a lot of shame,” Kori admitted. “I’m not gonna come out and tell people…my best-laid plan is like, oh, I’ll kill myself if this doesn’t work out.”
The shame associated with addiction can be a major barrier to seeking help and maintaining recovery. It keeps individuals isolated and unable to share their struggles. For Kori, it took years of therapy and recovery work to process the shame and understand that her destructive behavior was a symptom of a deeper problem.
The journey to self-forgiveness is an essential part of the recovery process. It involves acknowledging the past without judgment and accepting that addiction is a disease, not a moral failing.
7. The Role of Faith and a Higher Power
A central theme in Kori’s story is her evolving relationship with a higher power. After years of hating God for the trauma she endured, she found a spiritual connection through recovery. She had to learn to trust again, not just herself but a force greater than her own will.
“I hated God, and I didn’t trust God,” she said, recounting her childhood rage. However, when she was at her lowest point, she “prayed to a God that I didn’t believe in,” which led her to a therapist and, eventually, the path of recovery.
This spiritual journey is a core component of many recovery programs. It’s not about embracing a specific religion but about finding a power greater than oneself to help overcome addiction. For Kori, this meant learning that life is not happening to her but is a neutral experience that she can navigate with faith and trust.
8. A New Purpose: Helping Others in Recovery
Today, Kori uses her story and her platform to help others. As a writer, recovery mentor, and podcast host, she shares her experiences to inspire hope and show others that a life in recovery is not only possible but incredibly fulfilling. Her podcast, The Kori Leigh Show, is a space where she continues to explore the themes of healing, faith, and purpose.
The act of helping others is a powerful tool for maintaining recovery. It allows individuals to turn their past pain into a source of strength and meaning. It’s a way of making amends for the past and contributing to the well-being of others.
The journey from a “blackout party girl” to a recovery advocate is a testament to the transformative power of a 12-step program and the courage to face one’s deepest fears. Kori’s story is a beacon of hope for anyone struggling with addiction, proving that a life of chaos can be replaced with one of grace, purpose, and genuine connection.
Feeling weighed down by depression? Sometimes, simple techniques are more effective than you might expect. While professional help can be life-changing, several evidence-backed self-care strategies can also support you on your path to feeling better. Building daily self-care practices, connecting with supportive people, and developing regular habits like movement and mindfulness provide relief while strengthening your emotional resilience.
We’ll look at 13 coping skills that can help improve your mental health, plus how to find professional help when you need it.
What Is Depression?
Depression is more than just feeling sad or going through a rough patch. It’s a serious mental health condition that affects how you think, feel, and handle daily activities. While occasional sadness is a normal part of life, depression involves persistent sadness1 (lasting at least 2 weeks) that interfere with your ability to function.
Do I Have Depression or Am I Just Sad?
Signs that distinguish depression from temporary sadness include:
Persistent low mood most of the day, nearly every day
Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed
Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns
Fatigue and lack of energy that doesn’t improve with rest
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
Depression isn’t just “feeling down”—it can drain your energy, strain your relationships, and make even simple tasks feel impossible. But the good news is, you don’t have to figure this out alone. Millions of people find relief through different combinations of support, whether that’s therapy, lifestyle changes, or connecting with others who understand. Even taking small steps, like trying one of the strategies here, can be the beginning of feeling more like yourself again.
Why Coping Strategies Matter
Learning ways to cope with depression matters because it affects so many parts of your life—your emotions, relationships, and physical health. Good coping strategies help you regulate your emotions, break free from negative thought patterns, and reconnect with activities that bring meaning to your life.
While therapy and medication are valuable options, developing your own coping skills helps you manage symptoms day-to-day and build lasting resilience. Even making simple changes and setting small goals can shift your mood and well-being.
Let’s explore some strategies you can use right away when depression feels overwhelming, starting with proven techniques that take just minutes to make a difference.
Coping Strategies to Help Depression Now
These immediate strategies can help you feel better when you need relief right now.
Try the 5-Minute Rule to Jumpstart Your Motivation
When depression makes tasks feel overwhelming, the 5-minute rule can help, says CBT-specialized psychologist Dr. Rami Nader:
A lot of times with depression we know what we need to do to feel better, but there’s this real inertia to get going. This 5-minute rule helps you break through that inertia.
Committing to just 5 minutes of an activity—whether it’s cleaning, journaling, or stretching—can reduce procrastination and improve your self-esteem by creating a sense of accomplishment.
Practice Mindful Awareness to Break Rumination Cycles
When depression traps you in negative thought patterns, mindfulness techniques can help bring your mind back to the present moment. Deep breathing creates a pause in rumination2 by focusing your attention on your breath instead of your thoughts.
Try the 4-7-8 technique (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8) to activate your parasympathetic nervous system and reduce the physical symptoms that often accompany depression.
Focus on 1 taste, even if it’s just the inside of your mouth
These techniques help reconnect you with the present moment, creating a break from the cycle of depressive thoughts and making space for more balanced thinking.
Release Your Emotions Through Journaling
When depression makes it hard to process what you’re feeling, journaling can be a powerful outlet. Take a few minutes each day to write down your thoughts without judgment. This simple practice helps you recognize shifts in your moods and identify what might be triggering your depression.
Try these prompts if you’re not sure where to start:
What small moment brought you even a little bit of peace today?
What 3 things did you manage to do, no matter how small?
What negative thought keeps repeating, and how might you reframe it?
You can use a notebook or try a mood-tracking app. These digital tools make it easy to record your emotions and coping strategies, helping you notice patterns and see your progress over time. Journaling is always available as a safe, private space where you can acknowledge your struggles and celebrate small wins.
Long-Term Coping Mechanisms for Depression
While immediate relief techniques help you manage day-to-day symptoms, building these longer-term coping strategies creates a foundation for lasting recovery and resilience against future depressive episodes.
Connect With Professional Help That Works for You
While self-help strategies can make a meaningful difference in managing depression symptoms, professional treatment provides specialized guidance and evidence-based approaches that can be more effective than self-care on its own.
Finding the Right Therapy
Seeking professional help for depression can significantly improve your chances of recovery. Research shows that people who receive treatment for depression experience better outcomes4 than those who don’t, with psychotherapy (including CBT, interpersonal therapy, behavioral activation, and mindfulness-based approaches) and medication all showing significant effectiveness. Therapy can help reduce your symptom severity and prevent relapse.
Professional support uses evidence-based strategies that are tailored to your needs, helping you navigate challenges that might feel overwhelming on your own. The therapeutic relationship itself—feeling understood and supported by a trained professional—is also powerful. Regular sessions with a clinical practice create accountability and structure, while giving you a safe space to process your emotions. Even during periods when you feel better, continuing therapy can help prevent future episodes and build lasting resilience.
First time working with a therapist? See our comprehensive guide to finding a therapist to learn the essential questions to ask, red flags to watch for, and how to know when you’ve found the right therapeutic relationship.
Understanding Medication Options
For many people with depression, medication is a valuable part of treatment. Antidepressants work by balancing brain chemistry, particularly medications like SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) which increase serotonin levels to improve mood and reduce depression symptoms.
While medication alone isn’t a cure, it often provides relief when other approaches haven’t helped. Many people benefit most from combining therapy and medication,5 especially for more severe depression. You should always start or stop medication under your doctor’s guidance, as proper dosage and monitoring are essential for safety and effectiveness.
Finding the right treatment can take time, and you might have to try different approaches before you find the combination that works. Be patient with yourself during this process, and stay in close communication with your healthcare providers about what’s working and what isn’t.
Learn more about how proper planning can improve your depression treatment outcomes in our guide to medication management.
When should a person seek professional help instead of relying on self-care strategies alone?
A person should seek professional help when their symptoms feel overwhelming, interfere with daily life, or put their safety at risk (such as persistent depression, anxiety, trauma flashbacks, or thoughts of self-harm). Self-care strategies are helpful and have a place in the healing process, but professional support provides guidance, tools, and treatment that can make recovery safer and more effective.
Engaging in physical activity is one of the most effective natural coping mechanisms for managing symptoms of depression.Moving your body releases natural mood-boosting chemicals in your brain, like endorphins and serotonin, that can help lift your spirits. You don’t need an intense workout to feel the benefits—even a short 20-minute walk around your neighborhood or some gentle stretching can reduce stress and give you more energy when depression leaves you feeling drained.
Studies show that people who move regularly have fewer depressive episodes6 and experience greater overall well-being. Plus, completing even a short walk gives you a sense of accomplishment that can motivate you to keep going tomorrow, creating a positive cycle that builds over time.
If your motivation is low, choose physical activity you actually enjoy—whether it’s yoga, dancing, or gardening—and set small goals that feel achievable rather than overwhelming. Joining group activities provides the added bonus of social support, which makes consistency easier while surrounding you with human connections that boost your mood. Regular movement improves both your physical health and emotional resilience, making it an effective complementary approach for managing major depressive disorder.
Fuel Your Brain With Mood-Supporting Foods
What you eat directly affects how you feel. Foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids,7 lean proteins, and complex carbs boost your brain’s production of serotonin, the neurotransmitter that helps stabilize your mood. Conversely, those afternoon sugar binges might feel good in the moment, but often lead to energy crashes that can make depression symptoms worse. Simple steps like staying hydrated, choosing whole foods over processed ones, and eating regular meals help keep your blood sugar steady, giving your brain consistent energy throughout the day.
Transform Your Sleep for Better Mental Health
Your sleep matters just as much as what’s on your plate. When you’re tossing and turning all night, your brain struggles to process emotions, making negative thoughts feel more overwhelming the next day. Creating a bedtime routine—like putting away screens an hour before bed, keeping consistent sleeping and waking times, and trying relaxation techniques like deep breathing—can dramatically improve your sleep quality. Since poor sleep and depression often feed into each other,8 prioritizing good rest is an important part of your recovery toolkit. Together, better nutrition and sleep create the foundation you need to build your emotional resilience.
Build a Daily Routine That Stabilizes Your Mood
When depression throws your life off track, creating a simple daily structure can be an anchor.9 Depression often makes even basic tasks feel overwhelming, but having a predictable routine creates a framework that helps you function even on difficult days. This can include:
Waking up at the same time
Planning regular meals
Scheduling moments for self-care
The key is to start small. Instead of overhauling your entire life, focus on tiny, doable goals like making your bed, taking a 5-minute shower, or stepping outside for fresh air. Each small task you complete is a victory when you’re dealing with major depressive disorder. And, more importantly, they’re evidence that you can do hard things. As these small successes add up, they create momentum that makes each next step a little easier.
Over time, routine becomes a form of self-care that doesn’t depend on motivation or feeling good. On days when depression is at its worst, your routine carries you forward, providing structure when your thoughts feel chaotic and giving you points of connection to normal life. With consistency, these habits strengthen your resilience against depression’s unpredictable waves.
Social and Emotional Coping Strategies
While connecting with others and developing self-compassion are important ways to manage depression, creating a personalized plan helps you put these strategies into action in ways that work specifically for your situation.
Reach Out to Loved Ones Who Understand
Phone a Friend
Depression tries to convince you to pull away from others, but connecting with people who care about you is one of the best ways to loosen its grip. Even small interactions like texting a friend, having a quick phone call, or joining an online support group can break through feelings of isolation when you’re struggling. Keep in mind that reaching out isn’t a burden: the people who care about you want to help, even if all you can manage is a brief conversation.
Join a Support Group
Support groups create a special kind of connection that comes from sharing experiences with others who truly understand what you’re going through. Whether in-person or online, these communities offer both practical coping strategies and the profound comfort of knowing you’re not alone in your experience with depression. Mental health apps and online communities can also provide valuable support, especially when leaving home feels impossible or you live in an area with limited resources.
Try these free resources if you’re not sure where to start:
The effort to maintain connections pays off in significant ways—research consistently shows that social support improves depression outcomes10 and speeds recovery. Even when depression tells you to isolate, every small connection serves as evidence against that narrative and reminds you that healing happens in community.
Treat Yourself With the Compassion You Deserve
Depression brings a harsh inner critic that constantly points out your perceived failures and flaws. But what if you spoke to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a struggling friend? Learning to acknowledge your pain without judgment creates space for healing instead of adding shame to your suffering.
“I’m having a really tough time right now, and that’s okay.”
Notice when your thoughts turn critical and gently redirect them toward self-compassion. Small shifts matter: you can replace “I can’t do anything right” with “I’m doing my best with the energy I have today” or “I deserve patience as I work through this.” These aren’t just empty phrases—they’re useful tools that reshape your relationship with yourself over time.
Resources like podcasts about depression can help normalize your experience and provide strategies for self-compassion. The goal isn’t to eliminate difficult feelings, but to meet them with understanding, treating yourself with the same care and empathy you’d readily offer someone you love.
Building a Personalized Coping Plan
Taking these steps to understand your personal triggers and develop tailored coping strategies builds a foundation for resilience that can help you navigate depression’s challenges.
Recognize Your Personal Triggers Before They Escalate
Depression often follows predictable patterns11 that are unique to you: certain situations, thoughts, or environments that can trigger a downward spiral. Maybe you notice your mood dipping after too little sleep, during high-stress work periods, after scrolling social media, or when dealing with specific relationship challenges. Learning to spot these early warning signs gives you time to respond before depression deepens. They might include changes in your:
Sleep
Appetite
Energy
Thought patterns
Think of trigger awareness as your early warning system. When you notice the first hints of depression returning, you can activate your coping toolkit right away. This might mean reaching out to your support network, scheduling a therapy appointment, prioritizing sleep, or using grounding techniques that have helped you before.
Keeping a simple mood journal can be surprisingly revealing, helping you connect the dots between your experiences and how you feel. Simply tracking basic information like sleep quality, stress levels, activities, and mood on a 1–10 scale can highlight patterns you might otherwise miss. With practice, you’ll get better at recognizing your personal depression triggers and responding with self-care before small struggles grow into major setbacks.
Create Your Emergency Plan for Difficult Days
Sometimes, depression hits hard and fast, making it feel nearly impossible to think clearly in the moment. That’s why creating a simple crisis plan12 while you’re feeling okay can be life-changing during tough times. This plan is your personal roadmap for those days when getting out of bed feels impossible: a list of exactly who to call, what to do, and how to care for yourself when your brain isn’t being helpful.
Your plan might include phone numbers for trusted friends who understand depression, local crisis resources, or your therapist’s direct line. Include simple activities that have helped you before—maybe a specific playlist, a grounding meditation, or even just stepping outside for five minutes of fresh air. Some people find comfort in creative distractions like drawing or watching a comfort show, while others need physical movement to shift their body chemistry.
Keep your plan visible and accessible—on your phone, taped to your mirror, or shared with someone you trust. Having these steps already mapped out removes the burden of decision-making when you’re in crisis and reminds you that you’ve overcome difficult days before and can do it again.
If you’re having thoughts of suicide, please reach out immediately for help. You can call or text 988 to connect with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. This service is available 24/7 and provides free, confidential support from trained crisis counselors.
Track What Works and Adjust Your Strategy
Recovery from depression isn’t a straight line, and what helps you most can change over time. Keeping track of your moods, activities, and coping strategies reveals patterns you might otherwise miss. Even something as simple as keeping notes on your mood, sleep, activities, and medication can offer insights into what truly helps you feel better.
Many people find digital tools helpful: mood tracking apps can visualize your progress over time and help you notice connections between, say, days with better sleep and improved mood. Pay attention to both what makes you feel worse and what seems to lift your spirits, even slightly. That quiet afternoon in the park, the morning you woke up after eight hours of sleep, or the day you met a friend for coffee might hold important clues.
Be willing to adjust your approach based on what your tracking reveals. If meditation isn’t helping but walks with your dog consistently boost your mood, it’s okay to shift your focus. Share what you learn with your care provider—this information is invaluable for fine-tuning your treatment and building a recovery strategy that’s uniquely suited to you.
Your Journey Forward
Recovery from depression isn’t about perfect days. It’s about gathering the tools that work for you and using them even when it feels hard. Each step matters, whether it’s taking a minute to breathe deeply, texting a friend when you’d rather isolate, or finally making that call to a therapist. What works will be different for everyone, but the evidence is clear: depression responds to treatment, and you don’t have to figure this out alone.
The strategies outlined here—from movement and nutrition to building supportive connections—work best when they’re combined in ways that fit your unique situation. Some days will still feel challenging, but with practice, these tools become more natural to reach for. The small actions you take today are already part of your healing process.
Ready to take the next step? Finding professional support can make a huge difference in your recovery journey. Search for a depression treatment center near you and connect with a program that matches your specific needs and circumstances.
FAQs
Q: How do I know if I should seek professional help instead of relying on self-care?
A: If your symptoms last longer than 2 weeks, interfere with daily life, or include thoughts of suicide, it’s important to seek professional help. Self-care can be helpful, but therapy and medication provide evidence-based treatment that improves recovery outcomes.
Q: Can lifestyle changes like exercise and nutrition really make a difference for depression?
A: Yes. Research shows that regular movement, balanced nutrition, and good sleep improve mood and resilience. These habits aren’t a replacement for therapy or medication but can be powerful complementary tools.
Q: What should I do if I feel too overwhelmed to start coping strategies?
A: Begin with small, manageable steps. Techniques like the 5-minute rule, deep breathing, or reaching out to a trusted friend can help break through inertia. Over time, small wins build momentum.
Q: Is depression the same as sadness?
A: No. Sadness is a temporary emotion, while depression is a medical condition marked by persistent low mood, loss of interest, changes in sleep or appetite, and other symptoms that interfere with daily life.
Q: Can social media use make depression worse?
A: Excessive social media use is linked to increased feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, and depressive symptoms. Setting boundaries around screen time and prioritizing real-life connections can support mental health.
Q: What is a coping plan, and how can it help?
A: A coping plan is a personalized roadmap for managing symptoms during difficult days. It may include grounding exercises, a list of supportive people to call, and reminders of past strategies that worked. Having a plan ready reduces decision fatigue in moments of crisis.
Q: Where can I find immediate support if I’m in crisis?
A: If you’re in the U.S. and thinking about suicide, call or text 988 to connect with the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Trained counselors are available 24/7 to provide free, confidential help.
This article summarizes a powerful conversation from the Giving Voice to Depression podcast, hosted by Terry McGuire. In this episode, guest David Shamszad shares his journey of living with bipolar disorder, struggling with alcohol addiction, and ultimately finding recovery. His story highlights the complex challenges of a dual diagnosis, the dangers of self-medicating, and the life-changing benefits of honesty, therapy, and support.
Below are 10+ key lessons from David’s lived experience that offer hope, insight, and guidance for anyone navigating mental health challenges, addiction, or both.
1. Early Symptoms Can Be Hard to Recognize
David first noticed unusual mood swings in his late teens, but it took five years and a hospitalization before he received a diagnosis.
David explained:
The simplest things felt insurmountable. Brushing your teeth, taking a shower, having a conversation with another human seemed freaking impossible.
Because bipolar disorder often cycles between depressive lows and manic highs, recognizing it early isn’t always straightforward. Like many, David dismissed his struggles as just “mood swings” until they escalated beyond his control.
2. Self-Medicating Makes Symptoms Worse
In college, David turned to alcohol as a way to cope. While drinking gave him temporary relief or even added to the thrill of his manic highs, it ultimately masked symptoms and worsened both sides of his bipolar disorder.
As David reflected:
When I started experiencing symptoms, I was probably like a sophomore or junior in college. And I didn’t have a name for it. But I was drinking. I don’t know if I prescribed that to myself.
For many, substances feel like an accessible solution. But alcohol and drugs often deepen depression, fuel mania, and delay seeking the treatment that’s truly needed.
3. Mania Can Feel Thrilling—But It’s Dangerous
David’s manic phases were characterized by sleepless nights, risky behavior, overspending, and boundless energy. On the outside, they sometimes looked like success—he could excel at work or activities—but the cost was high.
David recalled how others described him:
People say like, “You have like cocaine energy,” but I didn’t. That wasn’t it. It was just like this little battery pack that I had.
While mania can appear exciting, it often leads to serious financial, physical, and emotional consequences. For David, the crashes afterward were devastating, often leaving him paralyzed by depression and frightening suicidal thoughts.
4. A Diagnosis Can Be Both Terrifying and Comforting
After collapsing at work during a camp counseling job, David was hospitalized and finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
He admitted:
That was the beginning of like the next phase of knowing… Okay, it has a name, which is actually really comforting. Because I thought I was losing my mind.
Diagnosis can be a turning point. Even though stigma often prevents people from talking openly, knowing what you’re facing allows for treatment, planning, and hope.
5. Stigma Makes Honesty Difficult
David admitted that fear, shame, and stigma kept him from talking openly about his struggles.
As David shared:
Where I felt shame… is talking about something that’s a vulnerability or a weakness, particularly one like that, that’s invisible. It’s not a broken arm that I can explain.
This double standard still exists today. Normalizing conversations about mental health—especially among men and in peer groups—is essential to reducing stigma.
6. Alcohol Almost Cost Him Everything
Despite medication, David continued drinking heavily, believing it was the only way he could sleep or quiet his mind. That routine nearly killed him.
He recounted a turning point:
It finally hit me that morning: You’re not just going to take yourself down, dude. You’re going to destroy someone’s world.
That realization became a breaking point. For David, it was the moment he knew alcohol couldn’t be part of his life anymore.
7. Honesty Builds Support and Accountability
When David decided to get sober, he didn’t just make a private promise. He told everyone in his life what he was going through and asked for their support.
David remembered:
I decided that the thing I needed to do was tell everyone in my life what was going on and make a commitment, not just to myself, but to them that I was going to stop drinking.
The response surprised him—people showed up, encouraged him, and stood by him as he began his journey. This public honesty created accountability and reinforced his commitment to recovery.
8. Sobriety Creates Space for Healing
With alcohol out of the picture, David could finally focus on therapy, medication, and healthier coping strategies.
He explained:
If I go to therapy, and I’ve been drinking for five days… they’re not talking to the person who’s ready and engaged and wanting to learn how to make tomorrow better. They’re just dealing with a hot mess.
Sobriety didn’t fix everything overnight. But it removed the handcuffs that had kept him from caring for himself and learning skills to manage bipolar disorder.
9. Therapy Is Like Training for the Mind
David compared therapy to exercise: it requires consistency, patience, and practice.
As he put it:
Whether it’s depression or PTSD or bipolar, there are tools. But you have to learn them and then you have to practice them.
Recovery is not a quick fix. But with repeated effort, therapy builds resilience, equips people with strategies, and strengthens the ability to manage future episodes.
10. Healing Is Built Drop by Drop
David emphasized that there isn’t a single conversation, book, or podcast that will suddenly make someone change. Instead, healing happens gradually, through steady drops of support, hope, and encouragement.
He explained:
You don’t have to fix this today. You’re not going to flip a switch. It’s just let this in, let this conversation in, let a book in, let someone help you — let all that in. If you allow that to happen and enough of it happens… eventually it can have the right effect.
Carly connected this to a metaphor from her garden:
All of my basil looks pretty sad, except for this one plant. And what I realized is it’s directly underneath where the gutter leaks. And so every day, it gets little drips… Supporting David — little by little, drip by drip — was nourishing in sort of the same way.
Together, these reflections remind us that progress is rarely instant, but with patience and persistence, it is possible.
11. Vulnerability Creates Connection
David’s story also highlights the importance of vulnerability. When people dare to speak honestly about their struggles, they open the door for others to say, “Me too.”
As Terry reflected:
Statistically, the number of other young men in his fraternity… who were also experiencing mental health disorders is high. And maybe it would only take one to say what he said he couldn’t say, which is, “I’m in a really bad place. I need some support.”
Sharing vulnerably creates space for connection, reducing isolation and making it easier for others to step forward with honesty.
12. Recovery Is Possible—Even With a Dual Diagnosis
Today, David is 10 years sober, living with bipolar disorder, and thriving as a successful business owner and author. His journey is proof that even with a dual diagnosis, recovery is possible.
He admitted recovery is still a process:
I can keep taking mood stabilizers every day for the rest of my life, but I’m angry, I’m confused. I don’t know why I have this. I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know how to make it something I’m okay with and eventually see as a source of strength.
But over time, David has learned to transform his experience into a story of resilience and hope.
Final Thoughts
David’s journey shows that healing from both bipolar disorder and alcohol addiction is neither simple nor quick. It is layered, messy, and filled with setbacks. But his story also makes clear that:
Naming the illness brings clarity
Honesty reduces isolation
Support systems make sobriety possible
Therapy equips us with lasting tools
Healing happens drop by drop, not all at once
For anyone struggling—or for those supporting loved ones—David’s voice is a reminder that hope is real, change is possible, and you are not alone.
Here are the most important lessons from David’s experience—expanded with context for anyone navigating their own path:
Key Takeaways
Early recognition matters. Don’t dismiss ongoing mood swings as “just stress.” If something feels off, reach out for professional evaluation sooner rather than later. Early intervention can shorten suffering and prevent crises.
Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs only delays healing. What feels like temporary relief is often fuel for the fire. Numbing symptoms may feel easier in the moment, but it deepens the underlying issues and can create a dangerous cycle.
Mania is not just energy. It may look like productivity or success, but underneath, it can drive risky behavior, debt, and exhaustion. Recognizing mania for what it is—a symptom of illness—makes it possible to treat and manage.
Diagnosis brings clarity and relief. Knowing the name of what you’re facing allows you to make sense of your experiences and seek effective care. For many, just having a diagnosis reduces the fear of “going crazy.”
Stigma is powerful, but honesty is stronger. Fear of judgment often keeps people silent. Yet speaking openly reduces isolation and creates unexpected opportunities for connection and understanding.
Sobriety creates space for recovery. Removing substances that cloud judgment or worsen symptoms opens up the mental and emotional clarity needed to engage in therapy, relationships, and self-care.
Therapy is training for the mind. Like going to the gym, the benefits come with practice and patience. It’s not about instant results, but about building strength and resilience over time.
Healing happens slowly, one drop at a time. Change is often imperceptible day to day, but over weeks and months, steady drops of support, hope, and small efforts build into lasting transformation.
Vulnerability opens doors. Sharing struggles invites empathy. More often than not, someone else will say, “Me too,” and that shared connection lightens the load.
Recovery is possible, even with a dual diagnosis. Having more than one diagnosis may feel overwhelming, but David’s story proves that with persistence, sobriety, treatment, and support, a fulfilling life is possible.
You don’t have to do it alone. Support systems—friends, family, therapists, peers in recovery groups—make a profound difference. Asking for help is not weakness; it’s survival.
Progress is not linear. There will be setbacks, relapses, or bad days. That doesn’t erase growth. Each step forward counts, even if you stumble along the way.
“I was the least successful in my family,” said Hilary Phelps, a Division I collegiate swimmer with a full scholarship. “Which is kind of fun. I mean, it’s like a joke, and I laugh about it, and like, that’s pretty good. But then, you know, my brother and sister were the greatest.” Hilary Phelps is a writer, wellness coach, and sobriety advocate who founded the women’s support platform, The Right Room. Once a nationally ranked swimmer, she privately battled a 15-year alcohol addiction. She has been in long-term recovery since 2007 and now uses her story to help others navigate burnout, recovery, and personal reinvention.
Phelps joined Recoverycast for a conversation with host Brittani Baynard, opening up about what it’s like to live with an addiction that’s hiding in plain sight, the daily work required for long-term sobriety, and finding the courage to finally share her story.
1. The Perils of Perfectionism
Phelps’s journey into addiction began at age 14, a time when her life looked perfect on the outside. She was a top-ranked swimmer and a high-achieving student. Yet, she felt a profound emptiness inside. “I never felt good enough,” she said. “There was something inside that said, I’m not good enough. And so it didn’t matter.” This internal struggle, a feeling of inadequacy despite external validation, drove her toward a dangerous pursuit of perfection.
“And that’s the idea of like being perfect. Right? This perfectionism that drives me, like once I’m perfect, once I, once I figure all this out, then it will feel better.” This relentless drive for perfectionism created an unattainable standard and a constant sense of failure. When she couldn’t achieve perfection, she sought an escape.
“And it just, you know, for me, when I put alcohol or drugs and my body it, quieted everything. And it just made me feel okay in that moment. And then I just chased that for 15 years,” she explained.
2. When Achievement Becomes a Form of Validation
As a young athlete, Phelps was used to receiving praise for her accomplishments. Swimming became more than a sport; it was her source of self-worth and validation. She believed that if she just worked harder and achieved more, she would finally feel loved and validated. However, this external validation was a temporary fix that never addressed the underlying issues.
“For me, athlete athletics, it was achievement,” Phelps said. “And so I’m like, well, if I just do better, then I will feel better, then I will be loved, then I will have validation.” The cycle was relentless: a brief high after winning, followed by the need to achieve more. This constant chase for the next high became a pattern she would later replicate with alcohol and drugs.
3. The Unspoken Language of Pain
Phelps’s struggles with depression and self-harm at a young age were an attempt to communicate a pain she couldn’t express. She cut herself “because I thought, I think I, I wanted attention, and I didn’t know how else to get it, and I didn’t know how to say like, I’m struggling and I need help.”
Mental health was not a widely discussed topic at the time, and her parents, navigating their own struggles with a divorce, dismissed her pleas for help as a “phase.” This lack of understanding left her feeling isolated, with her internal turmoil manifesting in external behaviors. The pain she was trying to articulate went unnoticed and was simply attributed to her parents’ divorce.
“Because no matter what is going through or where you sit, like socioeconomic status and stuff, like a 14-year-old can be going through things outside of like their parents’ experience,” said Baynard. This highlights a crucial point: a child’s pain is their own, regardless of their family’s circumstances.
As Phelps’s addiction progressed, she developed a new persona. The competitive, driven athlete was replaced by someone who didn’t seem to care about anything. This shift was a coping mechanism to avoid facing the reality of her addiction.
“I became somebody I wasn’t, I became someone that wasn’t innate to who I am,” she explained. “And what I mean by that is I became that like, I don’t care. You win today. Like, I don’t care. And I did though. And I feel like that starts to tip away at my soul, at my identity, at who I am. And that feels really bad too. I’m trying to fit into a narrative or being somebody that I’m not in order to keep this addiction.”
This performative indifference was a defense mechanism, a way to protect her addiction by feigning a lack of interest in the things she once loved. It was easier to pretend she didn’t care than to admit she was losing control.
5. The Deceptive Nature of “High-Functioning” Addiction
Phelps’s story is a powerful example of how addiction can hide in plain sight. Despite her substance use, she maintained a college scholarship, continued to swim, and even held a job after graduation. This “high-functioning” facade made it difficult for her and others to see the severity of her problem.
High-functioning addiction is a term used to describe individuals who can maintain their professional and social responsibilities while struggling with substance use disorder. Because these individuals don’t fit the stereotypical image of a person with addiction, their struggles often go unaddressed. They are often well-educated, employed, and have stable families, making their addiction less visible.
For Phelps, this stereotypical image was a barrier to seeking help. She felt she didn’t fit the mold of an alcoholic and could therefore rationalize her behavior. “I’m not drinking before work,” she thought. “I don’t have kids. I’m not that bad.”
6. Understanding Blackout Drinking
A significant part of Phelps’s addiction was blackout drinking, a frightening experience where an individual can seem coherent and functional but has no memory of the events.
“Every time I put alcohol in my body, I’d forget what happened the night before,” she recalled. “I don’t know what happened, and I don’t know what could have happened. And I don’t, and I wake up places, and I didn’t remember how I got there. Physically, that feels really scary. Emotionally, that feels really scary. Knowing I put myself and other people in danger feels really scary.”
Blackouts are not the same as passing out. During a blackout, the brain’s ability to create new memories is temporarily impaired, even though the person is conscious. This phenomenon is a serious indicator of an alcohol use disorder and can lead to dangerous situations, as Phelps’s experience of falling down an escalator attests.
An unofficial intervention by her college roommates marked a turning point. They confronted her, saying, “You’re acting really bad. We don’t like this version of you.”
“I would be mean to girls that I felt threatened by,” she admitted. “I would get in people’s faces. I would fight girls in bathrooms.” The person they were seeing was not the person they knew. At the time, Phelps’s response was to reject them: “I’ll get new friends.” But their words planted a seed.
An intervention, when done with love and concern, can be a wake-up call. It forces the person with addiction to face the impact of their behavior on the people they love. While Phelps wasn’t ready to change at that moment, the confrontation was a powerful catalyst for her eventual recovery.
8. The Destructive Cycle of Shame
Shame was a central theme in Phelps’s story, both in her active addiction and early recovery. She used alcohol to numb the shame she felt about her behavior. In turn, her actions while drinking created even more shame.
“Shame’s a bitch,” Baynard said. “It’s having to address why I feel so much shame and am I allowed to move past that shame? Am I okay now? Am I better now? Can I release that shame?”
The shame she carried was so heavy that she held onto things from her childhood, like a dog attacking a cat she was holding, for decades. She also worried about people finding out about her past actions. “I hope they get to know me and love me so much that if they do find out all the stupid things I did in my past that they can look past it somehow,” she said.
9. The Importance of Sharing Your Story with the Right Audience
“I remember talking to someone that’s non-recovery and we were, and I was like, oh, and I just started sharing my story and I was like, and this and this and this,” Phelps recalled. “And he was like, oh, oh yeah. Oh. And I’m like, noted, keep these stories for people in recovery or like the rooms or somewhere because some people it’s still not fully understood.”
Phelps found that sharing her story with others in recovery was a crucial part of her healing process. The vulnerability required to speak about her past was met with empathy, not judgment, and it helped her release the shame she had carried for so long.
10. Learning Self-Compassion
“I would never speak to somebody, a stranger, the way I speak to myself,” Phelps said. The journey to long-term recovery is not just about abstaining from substances; it’s about healing the underlying emotional wounds. For Phelps, this meant learning to be kind to herself.
It took years of dedicated work for her to find the same acceptance for herself that she so easily gave to others. She now makes a conscious effort to challenge her negative self-talk. “I have to cognitively say out loud now, good things to try and like outweigh those moments,” she explained.
Conclusion
Hilary Phelps’s journey is a powerful reminder that addiction is a complex disease that can affect anyone. Her story challenges the stereotypes of addiction and highlights the importance of addressing the internal struggles that often fuel substance use. By sharing her experiences, she offers a beacon of hope for others who may be struggling in silence, proving that recovery is not just possible but can lead to a life of authenticity, purpose, and self-compassion.
Self-loathing is a deep-seated sense of dislike or hatred toward yourself. It can show up as persistent self-criticism, shame, and a belief that you’re fundamentally flawed or unworthy. For many, it’s not just an occasional feeling. It’s a relentless inner voice that impacts their relationships, work, and how well you generally feel in your day-to-day life.
Let’s explore the roots of self-loathing, what it looks like in everyday life, and how to start healing.
Beyond Bad Days: What Self-Loathing Really Means
Self-loathing isn’t just feeling bad about a mistake or a bad day. It’s an ongoing internal narrative that says, “I’m not good enough,” “I’m a failure,” or “I don’t deserve love or respect.” This harsh self-judgment may be obvious or subtle. Either way, it shapes your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
Self-loathing is often linked with mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, and complex trauma. It can lead to isolation, perfectionism, or self-destructive behaviors as you try to manage the pain of not feeling good enough.
Constantly apologizing, even when you’re not at fault
Avoiding opportunities due to a belief that you’re not good enough
Harsh self-talk (“I’m so stupid,” “I ruin everything”)
Difficulty accepting compliments or kindness
Sabotaging your relationships or achievements
Feeling like a burden or imposter
Engaging in unhealthy coping behaviors like self-harm, binging and purging, poor sleep, lack of exercise, or substance use
Neglecting self-care
Having suicidal thoughts
If any of these patterns feel familiar, you may be wondering how you got here in the first place. Recognizing these signs is the first step, but understanding where they come from is what leads to real healing.
What Causes Self-Loathing?
Self-loathing doesn’t develop overnight. It often grows over time through a combination of personal experiences, mental health challenges, and social conditioning. These are some of the most common contributing factors:
1. Childhood Experiences
Trauma and adverse childhood experiences2 leave lasting marks on how you see yourself. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, neglect, and bullying during childhood can deeply impact your self-worth, planting seeds of shame and unworthiness that grow over time.
Growing up in families with negative dynamics also shapes your inner voice. When love feels conditional, criticism is constant, or emotional support is absent, you learn to internalize the belief that you’re flawed or unlovable. This becomes the foundation for low self-esteem, self-criticism, and that harsh inner critic that follows you into adulthood.
Even without obvious trauma, a lack of support and validation can be damaging. When you don’t receive adequate emotional nurturing, empathy, or encouragement as a child, you struggle to develop a secure sense of self.3 This makes you more vulnerable to self-loathing later in life, as you never learned that you were inherently worthy of love and acceptance.
If these resonate with you, our in-depth article on childhood trauma explores how these early wounds affect you as an adult—and what you can do about it.
2. Mental Health Conditions
Anxiety anddepression create the perfect storm for self-loathing.4 These common mental health conditions bring persistent negative self-talk, overwhelming guilt, feelings of hopelessness, and crushing low self-esteem—all of which feed into and reinforce the belief that you’re not good enough.
Personality disorders, particularly borderline personality disorder (BPD),5 can intensify these feelings even further. The intense emotional pain, unstable sense of who you are, and chronic feelings of worthlessness that come with these conditions make self-loathing feel inescapable.
Eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia are especially intertwined with self-hatred. The distorted body image and relentless perfectionism that drive these disorders fuel harsh self-criticism and can even increase thoughts of self-harm or suicide.6
3. Social and Cultural Factors
Social media and constant comparison7culturehave made self-loathing almost inevitable. In today’s hyper-connected world, you’re bombarded with curated highlight reels that make you feel like you’re not measuring up. This endless comparison can reinforce feelings of inadequacy and flood your mind with negative thoughts about yourself.
Society’s obsession with perfection8 doesn’t help either. When you’re surrounded by messages that idolize flawless productivity, beauty, and success, you create impossible standards for yourself. And when you inevitably fall short of these unrealistic expectations, you may get stuck replaying your mistakes over and over in a cycle of harsh self-judgment.
Bullying and marginalization leave deep scars that often turn inward. Whether it’s workplace exclusion, childhood bullying, or discrimination based on your identity, these experiences damage your self-esteem and teach you to internalize shame.
4. Other Sneaky Ways Self-Loathing Takes Hold
Negative Self-Talk
When you repeatedly tell yourself things like “I’m worthless,” “I’m a burden,” or “I hate myself,” those thoughts don’t just disappear—they become ingrained beliefs that shape how you see yourself. The more you repeat these patterns, the more real they feel.
Unresolved Guilt or Shame
Whether it’s something you did years ago or shame you’ve carried since childhood, these lingering feelings fester when left unaddressed. Over time, they can evolve into a broader self-hatred, making it hard to forgive yourself or move forward.
Building a Kinder Inner Voice: Steps Toward Self-Love
Healing from self-loathing is possible, but it requires time, patience, and often support. Here are some small steps you can start taking today:
Notice your self-loathing thoughts without judgment. Awareness and mindfulness are the first steps to shifting these patterns—you can’t change what you don’t see.
Challenge your negative self-talk. Replace harsh inner dialogue with more compassionate, realistic thoughts. This helps you change how you see yourself and reduces self-loathing behaviors.
Practice self-compassion. Learn to treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend or loved one. Self-love, self-acceptance, and self-confidence are key to overcoming self-hate.
Set boundaries with harmful people and environments. Protecting yourself from toxic influences means you’ll have less chances to reinforce negative self-beliefs.
Celebrate your small wins. Giving yourself credit for your progress starts to shift your internal narrative and ease self-doubt.
Build healthy relationships. Surround yourself with people who respect, affirm, and support you. These connections offer perspective and emotional safety, and remind you that you’re worthy of love.
Take good care of yourself. Caring for your physical and emotional health through sleep, nutrition, movement, creative expression, or spiritual connection supports a more balanced sense of self. Small, consistent acts of care send a message to yourself that you’re worth investing in.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Self-loathing thrives in isolation, but healing happens in connection. Working with a mental health professional can be life-changing, especially when they’re trained in trauma-informed or compassion-focused approaches that get to the root of your pain.
If you’re ready to break free from self-hatred, consider looking for a trauma-informed mental health treatment program that understands how past experiences shape your relationship with yourself.
FAQs
Q. What is self-loathing a symptom of?
A: Self-loathing often signals depression, anxiety, complex trauma, personality disorders (especially borderline), or eating disorders. It can also come from internalized messages from childhood abuse, bullying, or discrimination. While not a diagnosis itself, it usually points to deeper emotional pain that needs attention.
Q. What can I say to someone who is self-loathing?
A: Respond with empathy, not correction. Try something like, “I hear how much pain you’re in—you don’t deserve to feel this way about yourself,” or “You’re not alone in this.” Avoid arguing with their feelings and instead validate their pain while gently reminding them of their worth.
Q. What is the root cause of self-hatred?
A: Self-hatred typically stems from early experiences of shame, rejection, trauma, or emotional invalidation. Children internalize negative messages that become part of how they see themselves. For many from marginalized or stigmatized communities, self-hatred may also come from internalized oppression or cultural rejection. It’s rarely one event—it’s usually a pattern of being made to feel “not good enough” or unworthy of love.
Q Is self-loathing a defense mechanism?
A: Sometimes, yes. It can develop as protection against rejection: a belief that if you reject yourself first, it won’t hurt as much when others do. While this might have helped you survive painful experiences in the past, over time, it can block your growth and healing.
Q. Can I overcome feelings of self-loathing?
A: Absolutely. Self-loathing is treatable through therapy, self-compassion, healthy relationships, and challenging negative thought patterns. It takes time, but you can unlearn the belief that you’re unworthy. You’re not broken, you’re hurting, and healing is something you deserve.
This article is a summary of a conversation on the Giving Voice to Depression podcast, hosted by Terry McGuire. In this episode, co-host Dr. Anita Sanz introduces Dr. Barbara Moser, a trained teacher in mindful self-compassion. Dr. Moser guides listeners through practical techniques rooted in mindfulness and compassion—tools that can be practiced anytime, anywhere, at no cost.
The discussion emphasizes that while depression can feel overwhelming and isolating, we all have inner resources we can nurture. Through small, intentional practices, people can find grounding, calm, and relief.
Below are nine powerful takeaways from this conversation.
1. Begin with Grounding Yourself in the Present Moment
When depression or anxiety heightens, the first step is to pause and anchor yourself in the present. Dr. Moser encourages simple awareness exercises such as noticing how your body connects with the chair you sit in, or how your feet touch the ground.
Dr. Moser explained:
Maybe even looking around your space, you know, visually turning around, seeing familiar objects. And if this is true for you, recognizing: Okay, in this moment, I am relatively safe or I am safe enough. And again, I am fully recognizing that this is not true for all of us, but if it is, kind of naming that for yourself: Okay, I am really okay where I am right now. It is okay to be here right now.
Grounding does not erase the stressors of life, but it creates a pause that interrupts spirals of worry or despair. It is the first step toward calming the nervous system.
2. Use Breath to Activate the Body’s Calming Response
Breathing is more than an automatic process—it is a tool for self-regulation. Dr. Moser described how extending the exhale triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes rest, digestion, and calm.
She encouraged listeners:
Maybe we breathe in to the count of three and we will breathe out to the count of six. And another one: in, two, three, out, two, three, four, five, six. And if the timing is not right, just make it right for you. Just knowing that what you want to do is make your exhalation a bit longer than your inhalation.
By extending the exhale, you send a message of safety to the body. Dr. Moser noted that she often uses this practice at night to settle her system: one hand on her heart, the other on her stomach, breathing herself into sleep.
3. Remember That You Are in Control of the Practice
A common worry for people living with depression is that mindfulness might stir up uncomfortable feelings. Dr. Moser stressed the importance of choice:
Dr. Moser said:
If it is not feeling right for you, if it is bringing up tough feelings, please just disconnect from it. There is just no reason to stick with it if it is not feeling supportive to you.
This reminder reinforces self-agency. Mindfulness is not about pushing through pain—it is about finding what feels safe and supportive in the moment.
4. Learn the STOP Practice for Everyday Transitions
One of the most versatile tools Dr. Moser shared is the STOP practice, an acronym for a mindful pause:
S – Stop what you are doing
T – Take three deeper breaths
O – Observe what you are feeling (body, emotions, thoughts)
P – Proceed with awareness
As Dr. Moser explained:
S: Stop. Stop what you are doing. T: Take. Take three deeper breaths. O: Observe. Briefly observe what you are feeling right now inside yourself: your body, your emotions, and your thoughts. P: Proceed. Proceed with what you are doing.
She added that this is especially helpful for difficult transitions, like shifting from work to home life.
5. Recognize the Link Between Mindfulness and Self-Compassion
Many people treat mindfulness and self-compassion as separate skills. Dr. Moser clarified that they are deeply connected:
Dr. Moser observed:
When mindfulness is in full bloom, self-compassion is there. And when self-compassion is in full bloom, mindfulness is there. So they really are two parts of the same whole of this wonderful internal resource that we have.
By bringing warmth and kindness into awareness practices, you move beyond observing life—you begin to nurture yourself through it.
6. Practice the Three Components of Self-Compassion
According to Dr. Kristin Neff’s model, self-compassion includes three pillars:
Mindfulness – acknowledging the struggle of the moment
Common Humanity – remembering that all people suffer at times
Self-Kindness – responding with warmth rather than criticism
Dr. Moser explained how to apply them:
So saying to yourself, very clearly, this is a moment of difficulty. This is a moment of difficulty or of struggle. That is mindfulness: recognizing the difficulty of this moment… Difficulty is a part of life. Struggle is a part of life. All humans struggle, all humans. I am not alone.
These three elements help transform suffering into an opportunity for care.
7. Speak to Yourself the Way You Would Speak to a Friend
When self-criticism is strong, it can be difficult to generate words of kindness for yourself. Dr. Moser suggested flipping the perspective:
Dr. Moser encouraged:
Sometimes it is really hard to do this and we cannot really come up with the words that we need to hear. So if that is the case, can you imagine if you had a good friend who was struggling in this very same way, what would you say to that friend What would your tone of voice be What would the words be What would a simple message be that you could give to your friend, heart to heart And can you give that same message to yourself
This shift reframes inner dialogue, making compassion more accessible.
8. Add Soothing Physical Touch
Touch is a direct line to the nervous system. Placing a hand over your heart, on your shoulder, or clasping your hands together can send signals of care and safety.
As Dr. Moser suggested:
Perhaps feeling your hands touching each other in your lap or rubbing your hands together, putting a hand on your shoulder in a supportive way or putting your hand over your heart. Just giving yourself a bit of a soothing supportive touch and saying to yourself, May I be kind to myself.
Pairing physical touch with kind words deepens the effect.
9. Personalize the Words of Support
The power of self-compassion practices lies in finding language that resonates. Some people respond to phrases like:
May I accept myself as I am.
May I forgive myself.
May I have the courage to make a change.
Dr. Moser explained:
Whatever it is that you need to hear. Sometimes it is really hard to do this and we cannot really come up with the words that we need to hear… So whatever you need in this moment. And are there any particular words of kindness and support that really are what you need to hear right now because you are in this tough situation
What matters is choosing words that feel genuine. Over time, these phrases replace shame or self-criticism with compassion.
10. Make It a Habit Through Small Repetitions
None of these practices are meant to be done once and forgotten. Like exercise, their power builds through repetition. Dr. Moser emphasized that even a 10-second pause can be a “self-compassion break.”
Dr. Moser concluded:
That is the self-compassion break. It comes from the Mindful Self-Compassion Program, and it can be done very quickly. I use this practice all the time, in just seconds, ten seconds, just to take that mindful and self-compassionate pause that I need to care for myself in that moment.
By weaving micro-moments of mindfulness into the day—whether at a red light, before a meeting, or while lying in bed—you train the nervous system to return to calm more quickly. Over time, these practices become go-to tools in moments of distress.
Key Takeaways
Mindfulness and self-compassion work best together. Observing your experience without kindness can feel cold; offering kindness without awareness can feel shallow. Together, they create balance.
Small practices make a big difference. Even one breath with a longer exhale can calm the body and reduce tension.
You are not alone. The reminder of common humanity is central: all people struggle, and recognizing this truth eases isolation.
Self-kindness takes many forms. For some, it is gentle words. For others, it is a hand on the heart, a phrase of encouragement, or even just pausing to breathe.
Consistency builds resilience. Like strengthening a muscle, these tools become more reliable the more you practice them, even in very small ways.
Final Thoughts
Depression often convinces people they are powerless, isolated, and beyond hope. It whispers that they have no control over their thoughts or emotions. Yet the practices shared in this Giving Voice to Depression episode directly counter that narrative. They demonstrate that every person has small, free, and accessible tools to bring some relief in the moment.
Mindfulness and self-compassion practices remind us that healing does not always begin with sweeping change. Sometimes it begins with pausing at the kitchen sink, taking three slow breaths, and noticing: I am safe enough right now. It might mean placing a hand on your chest at night and whispering: May I be kind to myself. These seemingly small acts have the power to shift the trajectory of a moment, a day, and eventually a life.
Importantly, Dr. Moser and the hosts remind listeners that none of these practices are about perfection. They are not about doing them “right” or using them to avoid hard feelings. Instead, they are about creating space—space between reaction and response, between self-criticism and self-kindness, between despair and the possibility of hope.
In a culture that often prizes productivity over presence, pausing can feel counterintuitive or even indulgent. But in the realm of mental health, pausing can be lifesaving. As Terry noted, these practices are accessible anywhere—even while driving, even while lying in bed, even in the middle of a busy day. They are about turning toward ourselves with the same care and patience we would offer a loved one.
Ultimately, the gift of these practices is not that they erase depression or anxiety, but that they offer a way to live alongside them with greater compassion. They remind us that we are not broken, not alone, and not powerless. We are human—and being human means both struggling and having the capacity to soften that struggle with kindness.
Living with a mental health condition can often feel like an isolating and overwhelming journey. We hear stories about people managing conditions like depression and anxiety, but rarely do we get to hear an honest, in-depth account of the day-to-day realities—the struggles, the breakthroughs, and the slow, often painful process of building a life of purpose.
In a recent episode of the Giving Voice to Mental Health Podcast, a production of Recovery.com, Imani shares her powerful story of living with and managing complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), anxiety, and depression. Diagnosed at a young age, Imani navigated years of misdiagnosis, provider trauma, and a deeply entrenched sense of hopelessness. Her journey from chronic suicidal ideation and isolation to finding purpose and becoming a peer support specialist offers a roadmap for others struggling to find their way.
Imani’s story shows that recovery isn’t a linear path and that there is no single right way to heal. She found her own way by collecting a personal toolkit of strategies—from professional therapy and peer support to smaller, internal practices—that helped her move forward, one small step at a time. This article dives into the key lessons from her journey, providing actionable advice for anyone seeking to build their own path toward mental wellness.
1. Understanding Complex PTSD and Its Impact
When we think of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), our minds often go to images of soldiers or survivors of a single catastrophic event. However, as Imani explains, a different form of this condition, complex PTSD (C-PTSD), arises from repeated, prolonged exposure to trauma, often beginning in childhood. Imani describes C-PTSD as the result of “small traumas that happen in your life that can kind of compound as you have more and more trauma, and you don’t have the tools to react to it.” These ongoing traumatic experiences, particularly those that happen within a person’s family of origin, can lead to a state of chronic unsafety.
Unlike single-incident trauma, C-PTSD often stems from developmental or generational trauma passed down through families. It can lead to a wide range of symptoms, including difficulty regulating emotions, dissociative episodes, and a persistent negative self-perception. Imani’s experience highlights how a lack of healthy coping mechanisms in childhood can set the stage for these conditions later in life. She explains that her reactions to her childhood experiences, without the proper tools to cope, were misinterpreted by professionals, leading to a misdiagnosis of borderline personality disorder. This mislabeling not only complicated her healing process but also exposed her to a kind of “provider trauma” that made it difficult to trust mental health professionals in the future.
2. Recognizing the Physical and Emotional Manifestations of Anxiety
Imani’s experience with anxiety started young, and she learned to recognize its physical and emotional signs. For her, anxiety manifests as a burning sensation in her chest, elevated blood pressure, and a tendency to overthink and get stuck in “a thought loop.” She notes that these physical sensations can overlap with her C-PTSD symptoms, and she manages them using grounding techniques. “Often with PTSD, you have to do some grounding,” Imani states. “You have to remind yourself that you’re here right now, you’re fine.”
The practice of grounding is a powerful tool for interrupting the physical symptoms of anxiety. By focusing on the present moment and engaging your senses, you can pull yourself out of a spiral of anxious thoughts. For example, you can try the 5-4-3-2-1 method: name five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This technique helps to anchor you in the present, reducing the intensity of anxiety and preventing a full-blown panic response.
Anxiety can also lead to emotional and social challenges, such as a desire to avoid eye contact or withdraw from social situations. Learning to identify these physical and behavioral cues is the first step toward developing effective coping strategies. With years of therapy, Imani has ingrained these tools so deeply that she now uses them instinctively.
For Imani, depression was the most prominent and challenging of her diagnoses. It “stripped me of my goals and my ability to think ahead.” She describes a period of immense inadequacy and isolation in her early twenties, where she felt afraid to work and lived with chronic suicidal ideation for years. The culture she grew up in dismissed her feelings, telling her she was “too young to be depressed,” a common and harmful misconception.
Imani’s story offers a unique perspective on managing suicidal thoughts. She explains that by giving herself permission to have those thoughts, acknowledging them as an option, she was able to create a psychological distance from them. “I told myself, I may not kill myself, but I’m gonna allow myself to have these thoughts, and I worked through that.” This radical acceptance allowed her to stop fighting the thoughts and, paradoxically, to move forward. The distance between the thoughts grew, and she began to live her life in small increments, which eventually built into a more purposeful existence.
This experience highlights the importance of not suppressing difficult emotions. While professional help is essential for anyone with suicidal ideation, Imani’s approach of radical acceptance allowed her to reclaim a sense of agency over her life. By acknowledging the presence of the thoughts without acting on them, she was able to start building a future for herself.
4. The Power of Peer Support and Shared Experience
Imani’s turning point came when she discovered peer support, a model of care that connects individuals with mental health challenges to people who have lived through similar experiences. “Peer support gave me hope,” she shares. She explains that peer support isn’t about one person “trauma-dumping” on another, but rather “about seeing each other as people that have things going on that have something that happened to you rather than you are a problem.”
This relational approach stands in stark contrast to the medical model of care she had experienced, which often focused on what was “wrong” with her. Peer support specialists use their lived experience as a tool to build a connection and walk alongside individuals on their recovery journey. Imani found immense meaning in her own suffering by becoming a peer specialist herself, helping others navigate the same challenges she faced.
A growing body of research supports the effectiveness of peer support. These specialists provide a unique blend of practical advice, emotional support, and the validation of someone who truly understands.
5. Therapy as a Tool, Not a Punishment
Both Imani and Terry, the podcast host, share the belief that therapy is a valuable tool for everyone, not just those with a diagnosed mental illness. Imani sees therapy as a place to “lay out the things I’ve been thinking about, things that I’ve not worked through from my past, my childhood, and things that are happening right now.” The value lies in having an objective person to talk to, someone who can provide a safe space for processing thoughts and emotions.
For Imani, therapy became a way to reaffirm her own inner strength. “It gives me peace,” she says, “that actually, I have everything I need, you know? And so the therapist just reinforces that.” Therapy isn’t about being told what to do but about gaining the clarity and confidence to make your own decisions. It can be used proactively to prepare for difficult life events, as Terry did before her mother’s passing. This approach turns therapy into a powerful form of self-care and preparation, rather than a last resort.
6. The Healing Power of Self-Compassion and Grace
One of the most profound lessons from Imani’s story is the importance of self-compassion and grace. She explains that it’s impossible to get better if you are constantly “punching yourself in the face.” Her journey involved a slow but deliberate shift from self-hatred to self-love. She started by catching herself when she would say “I hate myself” and eventually replaced that phrase with “I love myself,” even when she didn’t believe it.
This practice of radical self-acceptance is a powerful form of cognitive behavioral therapy. By changing the internal narrative, you can begin to rewire your brain’s emotional responses. As Imani’s journey shows, this isn’t an overnight process, but a slow, consistent practice that builds momentum over time.
7. Small Steps to Build Momentum
When you are in a state of depression or shutdown, the idea of doing anything productive can feel impossible. Imani offers a practical and realistic solution: break down tasks into tiny, manageable steps. She started by giving herself five minutes a day to do something, anything, like cleaning up a small area or just sitting in the same room as her family. This practice, often referred to as behavioral activation, is a cornerstone of cognitive behavioral therapy for depression. The goal is not to complete a big task but to simply get started and build a sense of momentum and accomplishment.
This “five-minute rule” helped Imani slowly build her courage back up, transforming her from a person who was ashamed and isolated to someone who had a career and a community. The small wins created a positive feedback loop, motivating her to take on bigger challenges.
8. Setting Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are a crucial, yet often overlooked, tool for mental health. Imani’s story highlights how a lack of boundaries can lead to burnout and strained relationships. She wishes someone had taught her how to set boundaries earlier in life so she could have protected herself and her relationships.
Setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish or uncaring. In fact, Imani calls it a “compassionate” act. It is a way to respect your own capacity and protect your mental well-being. By setting clear boundaries with her clients, Imani found that she was not only protecting herself but also teaching them a valuable life skill. She learned that saying “no” doesn’t mean “I don’t like you,” but “I’m at capacity.” This simple reframing can change your perspective on self-care, turning it from a luxury into a necessity.
9. Finding Purpose Through Lived Experience
Ultimately, Imani’s story is one of transformation through purpose. She turned her “suffering” into a service that could help others. She found that her darkest experiences gave her a unique ability to connect with and empower others who were struggling. This sense of purpose became a protective factor, keeping her from shutting down and regressing into old patterns.
“What I’ve found is as I built momentum, it just made me wanna do more,” she says. Her work as a peer support specialist not only gave her a career but also gave meaning to her journey. This idea is supported by research showing that altruistic acts, like helping others, can improve a person’s mental health and sense of well-being.
10. You Are Not Your Diagnosis
Through her journey, Imani learned that her diagnoses of C-PTSD, anxiety, and depression “mean this much in my life.” She realized that she had been a strong person all along, but she hadn’t had the tools to act on it. Her journey was about rediscovering her inner strength and knowing that, with support, she could navigate any challenge.
Imani’s story is a testament to the fact that while a diagnosis can explain your symptoms, it does not define your future. You can use your struggles as fuel to build a life of purpose and pride. With the right tools and a supportive community, you can find the courage to move forward, one small step at a time.
This article is a summary of a conversation from the Giving Voice to Depression podcast, hosted by Terry McGuire. In this episode, Terry speaks with Kevin Lepine — a Las Vegas hypnotist whose story is as raw as it is inspiring. Kevin shares how childhood bullying, undiagnosed ADHD, and social isolation fed into years of depression. He also offers practical, hard-earned insights on finding hope, building community, and disrupting depression’s grip.
The takeaways below combine Kevin’s lived experience with the hosts’ reflections to provide both understanding and actionable tools for anyone living with depression — or supporting someone who is.
1. Recognize That Childhood Bullying Can Shape Mental Health for Years
Kevin reflected on the origins of his depression and its connection to bullying:
Because I took it personally, sharks smelled blood in the water and they knew they could get a reaction out of me. And so that just kept going and going and going.
Bullying in childhood isn’t just a temporary hardship — it can shape how a person views themselves for years afterward. In Kevin’s case, the experience left him with lasting wounds that affected his relationships, self-worth, and ability to trust others.
Back in the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, teachers didn’t have the same training or awareness around bullying. Unfortunately, the strategies they used — like lecturing the entire class about kindness — sometimes singled out victims, making things worse.
Lesson: If you or a child in your life is experiencing bullying, speak up to someone safe and trustworthy. Whether that’s a parent, a teacher, or a counselor, silence often allows the damage to grow unchecked.
2. Understand the Isolation–Depression Cycle
Kevin explained how bullying created a deeper problem than just day-to-day hurt feelings:
Once you develop isolation, you really start losing empathy and you start losing the ability to connect with people. That ability was almost gone. By the time I was in ninth grade, it had gotten to the point where I was ready to die over my isolation.
Isolation doesn’t just accompany depression — it can accelerate it. The less you connect with others, the harder it becomes to break out of the mental patterns depression feeds on. And when depression itself urges you to withdraw, the cycle can spiral quickly.
Breaking that cycle often requires an intentional, outside push — either from the person themselves or from caring others who notice the signs.
3. Find Friends Who Show Up — Even When You Resist
Kevin described the role his friends played when his depression was at its worst:
One would grab me on each shoulder and literally, I had two choices: I could move my legs or I could get dragged down the block.
These friends weren’t just “being nice” — they were literally interrupting his isolation. They recognized that his mood wouldn’t magically improve first, and that sometimes the first step toward feeling different is taking action, even reluctantly.
Friendship during depression isn’t about fixing everything. It’s about showing up consistently, without judgment, and sometimes offering the kind of nudge that feels impossible to give yourself.
4. Build a Community Outside the Reach of Bullies
As Kevin emphasized, where you place your self-worth matters:
Once your self-worth is invested in something that the bullies aren’t a part of, you really stop caring what they’re saying if you have your self-worth planted somewhere strong.
This principle applies to adults as well as teens. Whether you’re escaping schoolyard cruelty or workplace toxicity, investing your time and identity in spaces where you’re valued creates a buffer against outside attacks.
Ways to build your own safe community:
Join a club, team, or group focused on a shared interest.
Volunteer for a cause you believe in.
Connect with online support spaces where kindness is the norm.
5. Name Your Depression and Share It With Others
Kevin urged listeners to bring their depression into the light:
The number one thing your depression wants out of you is to keep you isolated and alone, because that increases its power and its hold. The more you throw light on it, the less power it has over you.
Sharing your struggle doesn’t mean disclosing it to everyone — but it does mean letting a trusted group of people know what’s going on. Doing so gives them context for your behavior and opens the door for meaningful support.
6. Learn to “Trick” Depression With Structure
Kevin offered one of his most practical coping strategies:
Fill your calendar with things that you absolutely have to do… Even doing a little bit of something — it’s not going to totally recharge you — but if you do something, it’ll usually fill your energy bar sometimes just 1%.
That 1% matters. It can turn a day from completely static to slightly in motion, which makes it easier to keep moving. The key isn’t to overfill your schedule, but to include commitments that require at least some activity and connection.
Even basic tasks — returning a library book, mailing a letter, meeting a friend for coffee — can provide enough structure to interrupt depression’s paralysis.
7. Watch for Self-Medication Traps
Kevin spoke candidly about addiction as a form of self-medication:
Don’t go to a doctor that will kill your disease. Go to the bar that’ll just kill you.
For him, gambling became a way to escape feelings he didn’t want to face. For others, it might be alcohol, drugs, risky behaviors, or compulsive spending.
The common thread? These behaviors numb pain temporarily but ultimately worsen the situation, adding shame, financial strain, and physical harm on top of mental health struggles.
8. Feeling “Different” More Believable Than “Happy”
Kevin explained why some encouragement falls flat for those in depression:
If I tell you in the middle of your depression that you can be happy, you will tune me out — immediately… But if I say ‘It can be different,’ now I’m curious.
“Different” is a lower-pressure starting point than “happy.” It acknowledges the reality that happiness may feel out of reach, but small changes are still possible.
This mindset also honors the incremental nature of recovery — one step, then another, building toward a better place over time.
9. Use Simple Tools to Interrupt Depression’s Loop
As Terry noted, one practical tool kept coming up in Kevin’s story: walking.
Sometimes that was friends, sometimes that is a spouse or a partner, sometimes that’s people’s dog… it can be so supportive to have someone shift us just towards difference.
Carly added a connection-based twist:
Some new studies have come out that say that eight minutes is enough time to talk to someone we care about to sort of get the oxytocin… going in our brains.
Walking and connection are not cures, but they break the sameness depression thrives on. Even small changes in environment or conversation can chip away at hopelessness.
10. Challenge Absolutist Thinking
Terry recalled advice from her school counselor that still rings true today:
Anyone who says always or never is lying.
Bullies and depression both use extreme, absolutist language — “You’re worthless,” “You’ll never succeed.” These absolutes are not just untrue; they’re harmful patterns of thought that can entrench depression.
Challenging them requires awareness and, often, the help of others who can offer a more balanced perspective.
11. Take One Step Toward the Life You Want
Kevin shared a moment at age 15 when he was ready to end his life — and what shifted:
I took out a piece of paper, and I wrote a list of everything I hated about myself, which was a very, very long list. I wrote a list of things I liked about myself… And then I wrote a list of everything I wanted to be. And I prayed on that… I just felt lighter.
A similar turning point at 19 led him to seek treatment and begin rebuilding his life. Both moments reinforced the idea that transformation doesn’t happen overnight, but small steps are possible — and each one makes the next more attainable.
Final Thoughts: Different Can Be Better
Kevin’s story underscores a truth that resonates far beyond his personal experience: depression rarely disappears in a single leap toward joy. More often, recovery happens in shifts — moving from the unbearable toward something more bearable, from sameness toward difference.
As Terry eloquently put it:
Depression can be too dark a road to walk alone.
Carly also reflected on the importance of meeting people where they are, rather than demanding immediate joy or positivity. Small acts of connection, kindness, and movement — like Kevin’s friends dragging him outside — can plant the seeds for change long before someone is ready to “be happy.”
It’s also a call to be intentional about the language we use when encouraging others. Instead of promising happiness, we can promise difference — and difference, over time, can grow into hope.
Finally, Kevin’s journey reminds us that healing is not a solo endeavor. The people who stand beside us, who refuse to let us disappear, often make the crucial difference between staying stuck and finding a way forward.
Key Takeaways
Bullying can have lifelong effects on self-worth and mental health. Address it early and with care.
Isolation feeds depression, and depression feeds isolation — breaking the cycle often requires outside support.
Friendships that show up in action are more valuable than words alone.
Invest in communities where you are valued for who you are.
Name your depression to trusted people so they can understand and support you.
Use structure to create small moments of movement and accomplishment.
Avoid self-medicating behaviors that mask symptoms but deepen harm.
Set realistic expectations — focus on “different,” not instant happiness.
Simple actions like walking or calling a friend can disrupt depressive patterns.
Challenge absolutist thinking that fuels hopelessness.
Take small, intentional steps toward the life you want — each one makes the next easier.
This article summarizes a deeply personal and powerful conversation from an episode of the Giving Voice to Depression podcast, hosted by Terry McGuire. In this episode, Terry is joined by Dr. Anita Sanz and returning guest Rebecca Lombardo, a mental health advocate and author. Rebecca shares how her life has transformed in the decade since her last suicide attempt and hospitalization.
Through honest reflection and raw vulnerability, Rebecca walks listeners through her 10-year journey beyond crisis—highlighting the growth, setbacks, realizations, and practices that helped her reclaim stability and self-worth. Her story is a testament to the slow, non-linear, but entirely possible process of healing.
Here are 11 vital lessons from her conversation that offer perspective and encouragement to anyone navigating the long road of recovery from depression, bipolar disorder, or suicidality.
1. Healing Isn’t Linear—But Progress Is Possible
Turning 50 marked a major turning point for Rebecca. It gave her an unexpected sense of pride in what she had survived and achieved.
Rebecca reflected:
And it just kind of hit me that it had been a full decade since I had been in that horrible hospital and, you know, I had attempted suicide. And, you know, it was my last time that I had ever done any practice of self-harm in any way. You know, everything just started to come full circle for me that I’m sitting there realizing all of this. Wow. I had really accomplished something that hadn’t even occurred to me until just that moment. And it felt really big and it felt really powerful and like something that I needed to talk about and let other people know that this is something that you can do.
Taking a step back to reflect on long-term progress can reveal just how much ground you’ve covered—even when you’re still struggling.
2. It Takes Time to Find the Right Help
Rebecca is candid about the long and frustrating road to finding effective mental health care.
As she explained:
You know, it took me 25 years to find the right doctor, but I finally did and, you know, I still have bad days. I’m always going to have the bad days, but they’re shorter and, you know, I can be rational about them now, where they don’t completely destroy my existence.
Support is out there, but persistence is often required to find the right fit. Stability is possible, even if it takes time.
3. Depression Lies—Loudly and Convincingly
Depression can twist reality, convincing you of things that simply aren’t true. One of the most damaging lies it told Rebecca was that her loved ones would be better off without her.
Rebecca revealed:
I misunderstood the fact that … This is the biggest one: the fact that people did not want me around. That it would be easier for everyone, for me to just be out of the picture … that I was too much of a burden and I couldn’t get better on my own … and I couldn’t get better with doctors … I couldn’t find a good one that would actually help me or listen to me. I really just needed to let everybody go and relieve them of the burden of having me around.
Recognizing those thoughts as symptoms—not truths—is essential to healing.
4. Celebrating Wins Helps Rewire the Brain
Terry posed a thoughtful question during the episode: why do we so easily overlook our wins while obsessing over our failures?
Rebecca responded:
It’s just so much easier to believe the bad stuff when that’s all you’ve felt. It’s all your brain has been telling you for so long. Our brains are wired a little bit differently from everybody else’s — those of us that deal with bipolar disorder or major depressive disorder or things like that. It’s just, it’s a non-stop pattern that our brains are telling us that “You’re not worth it. You’re not good enough. You can’t do the same thing that everybody else can do,” and eventually you hear that so much that it’s just the easiest thing to believe.
One way Rebecca celebrated her wins was by giving away her e-book for free for a week. It reached #1 in Mental Illness and #3 in Memoirs on Amazon—reminding her just how far she had come.
5. You’re Not a Burden—Even If Your Brain Says Otherwise
One of the most important lessons from this episode is that feeling like a burden is often a symptom of depression, not a reflection of reality.
Rebecca offered this encouragement:
If you feel as if you’re a burden to someone else, try talking to them about it. I bet you any money, they’re gonna tell you you’re not the burden that you think you are.
She continued with a practical coping suggestion:
So it all comes down to positive self-talk and positive communication with the people that love you. You have to keep talking to yourself and saying, “No, this isn’t bad. I’m not failing. I’m doing okay. It’s going to be all right.” And even if you have to go minute by minute by minute, you do it that way.
6. Motivation Can Begin With Others—But Must Grow Into Wanting Life for Yourself
Rebecca acknowledged that for a long time, her only reason to keep going was her husband, Joe. One memory in particular continues to ground her in that truth.
Rebecca shared:
It takes me back to the moment that I was in the ER laying on the gurney and the doctor is working on me and Joe was standing next to the gurney, and the look on his face, not knowing what was gonna happen to me … I’ll think that could have happened to Joe. That could have been Joe. That could’ve been my family. And it will hit me out of nowhere, just “Bam! That could have been you,” you know. I’ll never forget that look on his face and I’ll never, ever put it back there again.
But she also now finds her own reasons to live:
As Rebecca said:
This is where I want to be. This is my life. I do want to be here for, you know, whatever is my next step, whatever I’m supposed to be doing with my life, and I want to be able to fulfill whatever that is.
7. Medication Alone Isn’t Enough
Medication can be a vital part of managing mental illness, but Becca learned that it’s not the full answer.
She explained:
I wanted it to be, I took the medication and it went away. And I think that’s kind of what everybody starts at that they think, I’m going to take these pills and I’m gonna be fine. I also didn’t understand all the work that I needed to do personally to figure out what it meant to be stable.
Some of the resources she uses include therapy, self-talk, peer communities, and even low-cost online courses on platforms like Udemy.
8. Learning From Others Builds Community—and Reduces Shame
By speaking out about her mental illness, Rebecca not only educates others, but also heals a part of herself.
As she noted:
When you start getting to a point where you are not only getting positive feedback, but you’re actually having people tell you that you’ve helped them in some way. that really, really feeds the positivity inside you where you learn it’s okay to not be ashamed of this anymore.
This community connection becomes both a support system and a source of purpose.
9. Self-Talk Is a Daily Practice, Not a One-Time Fix
In a blog post quoted by Terry near the end of the episode, Becca offers concrete suggestions for maintaining hope and fighting back against negativity.
As Terry read aloud:
You have to talk to yourself every single day. You have to learn how to filter out negative thoughts. Be nice to yourself. Listen to how other people talk to each other and gain perspective. Try therapy. Find yourself a good doctor. Don’t just settle. Surround yourself with good people that care about you. You’ll find your way. Just remember that you owe it to yourself to live the best life you can.
Kindness toward yourself is not indulgence—it’s essential survival.
10. Self-Care Isn’t Optional—It’s Vital
When energy is low, small tasks can feel enormous. But Becca affirms that even the simplest acts of care are meaningful.
She encouraged:
Just taking care of yourself some days is the best that you can do. And that IS the best that you can do. You know, and self-care is is a huge part of life. And if that’s all you can do is get up and take a shower and go sit on the couch and watch TV, then that is it. It’s absolutely fine. You’re taking care of yourself and that’s what matters.
11. Keep Going—Even If It’s Minute by Minute
As the episode closes, Rebecca offers heartfelt advice to anyone in the midst of a mental health crisis:
She said:
You have to be patient with yourself. You have to try to learn how to be self-aware. I know it sounds difficult, but if you give it a minute, it doesn’t take as much effort as you would think.
And she added:
That’s one thing that you have to get rid of completely is feeling that you’re a failure because you haven’t gotten to some particular stage in life. It’s something that I’m constantly trying to keep away… Remember that just taking care of yourself some days is the best that you can do.
Final Thoughts
Rebecca Lombardo’s story is raw, vulnerable, and ultimately filled with hope. Through every up and down, she’s found strength in patience, purpose in advocacy, and healing in community. Her journey underscores the truth that progress doesn’t have to be perfect to be profound.
As Terry eloquently put it:
The basis of hope is believing that things can change, that things can get better, brighter, easier to live with, that we can and will reconnect with our personal worth and value, that life will feel worth living again.
May that hope serve as a lifeline for anyone walking a similar path.
