Tag: Mental Health

Posted on

Overdose & Addiction Grief: Adriana Sansam’s Insights on Coping with Loss, Shame, and Stigma

Addiction is often portrayed in media as a visibly destructive force, leading to immediate chaos and collapse. But for countless individuals and families, the reality is far more subtle, insidious, and heartbreaking. The life of a “high-functioning addict” can exist in a parallel world: one where they successfully run a business, raise a family, and maintain sobriety for years, all while wrestling in private with a relentless, life-threatening disease.

This devastating duality is at the core of the story shared by Adriana Sansam on the Recoverycast podcast. In 2023, she lost her 30-year-old husband, Eric, a devoted father and business owner, to an accidental overdose. Her journey through love, addiction, resilience, and agonizing grief reveals the urgent need to dismantle the stigma surrounding substance use disorder and to understand the immense pressure and isolation felt by both the person struggling and their closest loved ones.

1. The Love Story and the Unexpected Revelation

The beginning of Adriana and Eric’s relationship was a whirlwind of connection and certainty. They met as neighbors, and for Adriana, the attraction and sense of future were immediate. “We just knew,” she said. “When you know, you know.” Their life together moved fast, anchored by a deep mutual affection.

However, the foundation of their relationship was built before Adriana fully understood the hidden chapters of Eric’s past. As she recounted, her initial exposure to hard drugs and addiction was minimal, leading to a naive, movie-like perception of what an “addict” looked like. This perception was shattered one day while innocently rummaging through a desk with Eric.

The discovery of a needle in an old instrument case prompted a serious discussion that would forever change her life. Eric confessed: he was a recovering heroin addict. Adriana’s first reaction was to laugh—she genuinely thought he was joking, as it seemed so incongruous with the man she knew. Eric, however, was serious, explaining he had been in recovery for a year or two. He had already completed treatment and was sober, making the reality feel distant and manageable at first.

The early years of their relationship, while happy, were also a period of “white-knuckling sobriety” for Eric. He continued to drink heavily, a factor Adriana later realized was a significant, unaddressed trigger. For a recovering addict, alcohol can lower inhibitions and judgment, making the decision to use the original drug of choice feel less consequential. A powerful moment highlighted this danger: after a night of heavy drinking, Eric once turned to her and said, “I’m craving. I need to go home because I’m craving drugs. And don’t let me leave.” This was a terrifying first look at the relentless struggle beneath the surface of his successful facade.

See heroin treatment centers.

2. The Internal Demons Driving the Disease

To truly understand Eric’s addiction, one must look into the deep-seated pain and trauma that fueled his struggle. Addiction is rarely about a simple lack of willpower; it’s often a complex response to unresolved psychological and emotional distress. As Adriana explains, Eric was a loving, empathetic person who felt things deeply—a common trait among those who grapple with internal demons.

Eric’s childhood was marked by immense loss and harmful influences. His father died the day before his fifth birthday, leaving a gaping wound. Compounding this, he endured a troubled relationship with a stepfather who was also an addict and who, tragically, introduced Eric to substance use. This environment of early trauma and exposure set a dangerous stage for his future.

The four and a half years of initial sobriety were a testament to Eric’s strength, but the underlying issues were never fully silenced. The relapse came in 2020, during the unique stress landscape of the COVID-19 pandemic. This period brought a convergence of stressors that can be exacerbating factors for addiction, including:

  • Financial Pressure: Eric owned and operated a moving company, which was severely impacted by COVID-related lockdowns and restrictions. He felt the intense pressure of being the sole provider for his growing family.
  • Mental Health Struggles: The pandemic was a global mental health crisis. For Eric, the isolation, uncertainty, and disruption to routines were a perfect storm.
  • Family Stress: Adriana was battling severe postpartum depression following the birth of their first daughter and was pregnant with their second child. This stress, while shared, weighed heavily on Eric, contributing to his feelings of inadequacy and failure.

This perfect storm culminated in Eric’s relapse while Adriana was away. The disease, which had been dormant, reasserted its presence, preying on his mental and emotional vulnerabilities.

3. Recognizing the Mask: Signs of a High-Functioning Addict

When Adriana returned from her trip, she noticed subtle differences in Eric’s behavior, though she didn’t connect them to drug use initially. The relapse of a high-functioning addict is often not signaled by a sudden dramatic breakdown, but by small, almost imperceptible shifts. Eventually, Adriana discovered heroin in his car—a devastating find that Eric initially tried to deny, but confessed to upon seeing her attempt to dispose of it.

For loved ones of high-functioning individuals, recognizing the signs can be incredibly difficult because the core responsibilities of life are still being met. Eric successfully hid his addiction from even his closest family members, including Adriana’s parents, whom he lived with for a year and a half.

Tell-Tale Signs of Hidden Addiction:

  • Excessive Time Away from Home: Eric’s work trips became longer, and he invented reasons to be out for extended periods. This distance provided an opportunity to use away from his family.
  • Increased Frequency of Normal Trips: Eric became “a gas station guy,” multiplying his short trips out. Adriana later realized this was a cover for when he would go get high.
  • Sudden “Sweetness” or Over-Compensation: Eric began offering to go out and get Adriana her favorite coffee, a gesture that seemed loving but was actually a mechanism to get her to let him leave the house. “I didn’t catch on until later is, oh, you wanna get me a coffee so you can go get high?”
  • Emotional Withdrawal and Embarrassment: He would isolate himself while using, often going to work to get high. As Adriana noted, this was out of embarrassment—an attempt to shield his family from witnessing his struggle.

This ability to manage a business and maintain the facade of a “really good husband, really good father” is what makes high-functioning addiction so frighteningly dangerous. It allows the disease to progress out of sight until it’s too late.

4. The Unconventional Path to Support: ‘I’m Not Against You’

When faced with Eric’s relapse, Adriana’s initial reaction was pain and confusion: “Why are you doing this to me? Why do you hate me?” This mindset is common for partners, stemming from the deeply ingrained belief that love should be enough to overcome the addiction.

However, as she researched and talked openly with Eric, her perspective shifted from one of personal offense to one of team-based support. Eric played a crucial role in this transition, helping her understand that his actions were not a malicious choice against her, but a symptom of his disease.

The shift in their approach was profound:

  • Disappointment vs. Abandonment: Adriana learned to separate her disappointment in the relapse from her commitment to Eric. She was honest about her anger but firm in her stance: “I am on your team.”
  • The Power of Staying: Eric often told Adriana to leave him, believing she deserved better, but she consistently refused. Her unwavering presence became a lifeline. Addiction often pushes people away out of shame and a desire to protect loved ones from the inevitable pain. Her refusal to be pushed away countered his deep-seated trauma.
  • The Desire for Help: Unlike many who fight the idea of sobriety, Eric always wanted to be clean. He would often call Adriana in distress immediately after using, begging her to come home and throw away his stash for him because he lacked the willpower to do it himself. This shows the addict’s true desire fighting against the compulsion of the disease.

Adriana’s “crazy” actions—the constant checking, location sharing, and accountability—were born out of love and fear, not malice. They were a form of survival. Eric himself later validated her vigilance: “If you weren’t as crazy as you were, I would’ve been dead a very long time ago.”

This validation was essential, highlighting that for a high-functioning addict, extreme accountability from a loved one can sometimes be the only thing keeping them tethered to life.

5. The Isolation of Shame and Stigma

Perhaps the most tragic aspect of their journey was the profound isolation Adriana endured. For years, she kept Eric’s addiction a complete secret from her family, friends, and community. This silence was driven by Eric’s fear of judgment and the pervasive stigma attached to substance use disorder.

This wall of secrecy forced Adriana into “survival mode,” making her feel like a “crazy wife” to the outside world because they couldn’t see the real threat she was fighting. The emotional burden of monitoring, fearing, and keeping silent while living with two small children took a severe toll on her mental health.

The silence broke devastatingly on the day Eric died. In her frantic call to the hotel, yelling that her husband was an addict and needed help, her parents finally heard the truth. This moment underscores a horrifying reality: stigma kills. The fear of being judged prevented Eric from seeking consistent, community-based support, and it prevented Adriana from accessing her own support network, such as Al-Anon, which provides crucial resources for the family members of addicts.

6. The Inevitable Tragedy and the Ongoing Fight Against Stigma

Eric’s death occurred on a work trip in March 2023. Though he was not in a period of active, sustained addiction at the time—Adriana had been drug-testing him and could tell by his behavior—the nature of his death pointed back to the disease. For Eric, the work trips were a time away from accountability, and tragically, a moment of isolation was a moment of vulnerability.

His death revealed a further layer of societal judgment. When Adriana shares how her husband died, she is often met with instant judgment from those who view addiction through the narrow, stereotyped lens of popular culture. They cannot reconcile the image of a loving father and successful businessman with an accidental overdose.

This experience highlights the critical need to view addiction as a chronic disease, not a moral failing. The countless thousands of accidental overdoses are not happening to “nobodies”—they are happening to people like Eric: neighbors, fathers, business owners, and loving partners. This is why conversations like Adriana’s are vital. They humanize the disease and fight the pervasive stigma that keeps people silent and isolated, often with fatal consequences.

7. Finding Hope and Voice: Moving Just for Today

Adriana’s resilience in the face of this incomprehensible loss is a testament to her strength. She now channels her experience into her podcast, Just for Today, a phrase she found in Eric’s recovery journal. It is a philosophy that embraces the idea of coping with the immense weight of grief and the past by focusing only on the present moment.

For those struggling with addiction or supporting a loved one, Adriana’s story offers crucial lessons:

  • Acknowledge the Disease: Recognize that addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease, not a lack of love or moral character. This shift in perspective is the first step toward effective support and reducing your own feelings of disappointment or guilt.
  • Seek Your Own Support: Family and friends need support just as much as the person using. Organizations like Al-Anon or individual therapy can help loved ones process their grief, fear, and anger. Resources for families can be found at Recovery.com’s resource center.
  • Embrace Accountability (With Love): For high-functioning individuals, a strong support system that provides consistent, non-judgmental accountability can be life-saving.
  • Talk About It: Break the cycle of secrecy. Sharing Eric’s story is Adriana’s way of ensuring his life—and his struggle—serves a greater purpose: saving others by normalizing the conversation.

Eric’s life, filled with love, success, and profound internal pain, is a powerful reminder that addiction wears many masks. By confronting the stigma head-on and understanding the complex reality of the high-functioning addict, we can better support those who are struggling just for today and perhaps prevent future tragedies.

Posted on

Healing from Childhood Trauma: Caitlyn Boardman’s 12 Lessons from Alcoholism and Borderline Personality Disorder Recovery

In a world that often demands perfection, especially when it comes to recovery, the story of Caitlyn Boardman—a mental health and sobriety advocate—is a powerful testament to the messy, non-linear reality of healing. As a guest on the Recoverycast podcast, Caitlyn shared her deeply personal journey through adoption trauma, the early loss of a parent, a turbulent relationship with alcohol and substances, and a complex interplay of mental health conditions, including Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and an eating disorder. Her path, marked by relapse, divorce, and the grief of losing both adoptive parents, is a striking example of persistence over perfection.

Her message, distilled from years of struggle and eventual triumph, offers a crucial anchor for anyone feeling lost: “Just to not give up hope. And that, you know, despite all the things life throws at you, there is hope on the other side, even when it feels like there is none at all.” Caitlyn’s willingness to embrace the imperfections of her journey—from being the “girl with the alcohol in her closet” to a public advocate—shows that true strength lies not in avoiding the fall, but in constantly choosing to get back up. This comprehensive article delves into the core challenges Caitlyn faced and builds on her story to offer 12 critical takeaways for navigating co-occurring disorders, trauma, and the continuous fight for a better life.

1. Recognizing the Indirect Impact of Childhood Trauma and Adoption

Caitlyn’s childhood, while seemingly stable, was underpinned by the indirect trauma of early life experiences. Adopted from South Korea and raised in a white family, she initially believed her adoption didn’t affect her. It wasn’t until she reached adulthood and sought therapy that the deeper emotional roots of her struggles began to surface.

Caitlyn’s therapist posed a critical question that unlocked a deeper understanding: “You’re adopted, but where were you the first four months of your life?” This led to the discovery that she had been in a foster home, a separation that her therapist linked to her adult trust issues. This experience highlights a crucial aspect of trauma: it doesn’t have to be a direct, dramatic event to leave a lasting impact. The pre-verbal separation from her birth mother and subsequent placement created an emotional blueprint that affected her ability to form secure attachments later in life.

Compounding this was the loss of her adoptive father at the tender age of six. She recalls: “I remember running away as a kid. I was just really upset and my mom, she let me cry, but you know, then it was just, we never really talked about it.” The lack of open communication about grief meant that she and her brother “suffered in silence,” a common experience in families where emotional expression is suppressed.

Explore trauma treatment options.

2. Early Onset Alcoholism and the Search for Numbing

The seeds of addiction were planted early for Caitlyn, fueled by a combination of easy access to alcohol and an internal struggle to cope with her feelings of loneliness and grief. She recounts starting to drink around age 13 and drinking alone. Access was made easy because her mother kept alcohol in the house “all the time.”

Her habit quickly progressed from experimentation to a pattern of isolation and concealment: “I remember I would take alcohol from my mom, I’d put it in water bottles… and stuff it in my closet. Like my friends used to joke around, like they’d be like, oh, you’re the girl with the alcohol in her closet.” This early reliance on alcohol to numb difficult emotions is a classic red flag for a developing substance use disorder.

The interviewer rightly pointed out the heartbreaking realization in hindsight: “That’s a kid really struggling, grabbing for alcohol and substance to try and numb that, that’s extremely tough.” This pattern of self-medication would continue for years, culminating in a period where she felt destined to suffer: “I feel like I’m meant to suffer. So that’s why I drank. I was like, I, I feel like I’m just not meant to be happy.” This belief—that she was unworthy of happiness—drove her substance use, highlighting the deep connection between self-worth and addiction.

3. Navigating the Complexities of Co-Occurring Disorders

Caitlyn’s journey is a powerful case study in comorbidity, or the co-occurrence of substance use disorders with mental health conditions. She battled alcoholism alongside an eating disorder and was later diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

The Eating Disorder and Body Image

Her struggle with the eating disorder intensified after having her children, driven by a hyper-focus on weight loss. This pursuit of “skinny” led to severely restrictive behaviors, eventually causing her to view herself as overweight even at a critically low weight of 98 pounds. This distorted self-perception is a hallmark of eating disorders, where the underlying issue is not truly about food or weight, but about control, self-criticism, and emotional regulation.

See eating disorder treatment options.

The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Diagnosis

Caitlyn pursued psychiatric help after feeling “off” her whole life due to severe mood swings. She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a condition that the clinician linked directly to her trauma. BPD is characterized by unstable moods, behavior, relationships, and self-image, often leading to impulsive behavior, intense emotional responses, and difficulties with secure attachments—all of which factored into Caitlyn’s self-destructive patterns. The self-harm that started in middle school evolved into physically hitting and bruising herself, particularly when alcohol was involved, demonstrating the volatile synergy between her substance use and mental health struggles. She noted that BPD, unlike some other disorders, “you get it from trauma.”

4. The Deepening of Addiction and Rock Bottom

The full severity of Caitlyn’s addiction surfaced after her third child, following a messy breakup with the children’s father. The intermittent drinking of her early motherhood quickly escalated to drinking “all day, every day”. The day-to-day struggle was marked by extreme self-harm and an inability to maintain stability. She lost one job and narrowly avoided being fired from another after showing up to work “blackout drunk” and messing up “every table’s order.”

The turning point—or “rock bottom”—was a dramatic, frightening moment in 2021, a month after the birth of her fourth child. A volatile argument with her partner while both were drinking led to a frightening climax that resulted in the police being called for the third time. The police’s warning about the potential involvement of Child Protective Services served as a stark and terrifying wake-up call.

Find integrative alcohol addiction treatment options.

5. Choosing Sobriety and Embracing New Habits

After the incident with the police, Caitlyn embarked on her recovery journey. Despite having no formal treatment or therapy at the time—a testament to her sheer willpower and underlying resilience—she stopped drinking daily. She noted that while she didn’t experience the severe physical withdrawals many do, she was immediately plagued by intense cravings, which often manifest as a craving for sweets in early sobriety.

To fill the void left by alcohol, she actively jumped into new habits and tools:

  • Fitness Shift: She completely changed her focus in the gym, moving from working out “to be skinny” to working out “to be strong, not skinny.” This complete mindset switch reflected a fundamental move toward self-care and health, resulting in a healthy weight gain of 15 pounds.
  • Mindfulness and Meditation: Overcoming the initial difficulty of sitting with a “sober brain” and a head full of trauma-driven thoughts, she credits meditation as a “key to so many things,” especially for managing her BPD symptoms. She also highlighted the importance of breathwork to calm her nervous system in daily situations.

6. The Necessity of Environmental and Relational Changes

Maintaining sobriety demanded a complete overhaul of her social life. Since her entire friend circle drank, she had to stop going out, which inevitably led to losing many friends. While this loss hurt, she adopted a mature perspective: “I was like, you know what? They weren’t my friends in the first place.” This realization is a vital lesson in recovery: true friends support your health, while drinking companions only support the addiction.

This principle was painfully tested in her marriage, which had begun and was largely fueled by alcohol during the COVID-19 pandemic. She eventually found herself navigating a divorce from a partner who repeatedly lied about his own sobriety. “I found out later on that he had drank and lied to me about it… that was hard to deal with.” The pain and harassment from the dissolution of that toxic relationship made her “want to drink so bad,” but she persevered.

The anchor that kept her from drinking during the immense stress of divorce and the grief of her mother’s passing was her children. She intentionally chose to provide them with a different, more emotionally available experience of grief than the one she had as a child: “I wanted to be strong for them. And, you know, not go down that dark path.”

7. The Power of Advocacy and Vulnerability on Social Media

In an age where public figures often curate perfect narratives, Caitlyn’s decision to share her raw journey publicly has been a source of healing and connection. Starting with a single TikTok post about being “one month sober” in 2021, her vulnerability resonated with a massive audience.

What’s interesting is the contrast she found in sharing: she describes herself as a private person in her day-to-day life, yet an “open book” on social media. This distinction is common for advocates who find safety and connection in a digital community. The feedback and messages she received affirmed that her story was making a difference, transforming her personal struggle into a source of public hope.

8. Understanding the Nature of Relapse: A Non-Linear Journey

Caitlyn’s most recent experience highlights a key message: recovery is not linear, and relapse is often a process that begins long before the first drink is taken.

In a situation that many in sobriety fear, she was mistakenly served a full-alcohol beer instead of the non-alcoholic (NA) beer she ordered. While she noticed the strong taste, she initially rationalized it. Her therapist offered a profound concept: “Relapse before you relapse.” Caitlyn realized that for a month beforehand, she had been “looking for something,” having bought and kept a miniature bottle of liquor in her fridge. This pre-relapse mental softening meant that the accidental exposure became a justification: “I was like, gotcha. This is the perfect opportunity. You know? You were justifying in your head.”

The Three-Day Wake-Up Call

The accidental slip quickly spiraled into a full, short-lived relapse. The severity of the incident—which involved her being so drunk she ended up in the hospital after friends reported her banging her head on the floor—served as a definitive reminder of where her addiction leads. After a brief period of continued drinking for three days, the physical illness from dehydration and the shame of the behavior quickly brought her back to the clarity of sobriety: “This is not it. Like we didn’t do this. We can go back now.”

The non-linear nature of recovery means a slip doesn’t erase the progress made. It’s a data point, not a destination.

9. The Importance of an Open Dialogue on Grief

The most moving part of Caitlyn’s story is the conscious choice to heal her own past by changing her present and future. Reflecting on the silent suffering after her father’s passing, she made a deliberate choice to be “very open” with her children following the loss of her adoptive mother: “I was like, we need to talk about it.”

This act of providing emotional space for her children is profoundly healing. As she put it, “It feels really good to be able to like, have those tools from that experience to like give that to my kids while they’re going through this.” This breaks the generational cycle of emotional avoidance and is a powerful act of self-compassion directed at the child version of herself.

10. The Simple Power of Persistence

Caitlyn’s entire narrative is summed up by her core message: persistence. She didn’t have a magical, instant recovery. She battled on and off for years, from her early teens until she got sober in 2021, a five-year period of severe struggle after her third child. Her persistence was not a sudden burst of perfect effort, but the quiet, daily commitment to “keep fighting every day, kept showing up until one day I was like, I’m sober.”

This relentless showing up, even when things felt utterly hopeless, is the essence of her success. For anyone feeling overwhelmed by the length and difficulty of their own recovery journey, Caitlyn’s story is proof that showing up for yourself is the single most important action you can take.

11. The Protective Role of Parenthood in Sobriety

While a challenging relationship with her children’s father fueled some of her heaviest drinking, her children ultimately became her most powerful protective factor. When faced with the immense grief and stress of her mother’s passing, they were her anchor, keeping her from drinking.

She is honest about this reality: “I feel like if I didn’t have my kids, I probably would’ve drank.” For many parents, the desire to provide a stable, loving environment becomes the “reason” that outweighs the addiction’s pull. It transformed her motivation from self-loathing (“I’m meant to suffer”) to service (“I wanted to be strong for them”).

12. Never Give Up Hope: A Final, Powerful Word

Caitlyn’s journey from a self-harming, isolated child with a hidden stash of alcohol to a strong, vulnerable mother and advocate is a roadmap for those navigating the darkest of paths. Her entire message hinges on this simple, profound instruction: Don’t give up hope.

The most compelling quote from her experience encapsulates the dark mental state of addiction and the breakthrough of recovery: “I’ve been in such a dark place, I’ve been like that in that area of my life where I’m like, things will never get better. I’ll never be happy… And that’s why I kept drinking.” Her eventual turn—the decision to keep fighting despite this deep-seated belief—is the persistence that turned her life around.

Her story is a living example of a fundamental truth: no matter how complex the mental health issues (BPD, eating disorder, alcoholism, trauma) or how difficult the circumstances (loss, divorce, relapse), the persistence to show up every day leads to the other side. Healing is messy, but it is always possible.

Posted on

High-Functioning Alcohol Use: 10 Lessons from Sober Coach Courtney Anderson to Escape the Moderation Cycle

“From 19 to 29 was my, my decade-long career with alcohol. A love affair. Yes. A very toxic one.”

For many, the journey into sobriety isn’t a sudden fall but a slow, creeping realization that a habit once seen as fun or a rite of passage has become a toxic, decade-long career. Courtney Anderson, a sober coach, author, and podcast host, spent ten years navigating what is now often referred to as gray area drinking—where alcohol use causes significant distress and negative consequences without fitting the traditional, high-severity picture of alcoholism.

Courtney’s story, shared on Recoverycast, is a powerful testament to the fact that change is possible and a life beyond the moderation cycle is within reach, even for the high-functioning individual. Her experience moving from a shy teen who found freedom in booze to a high-achieving woman building a sober life offers a vital roadmap for others seeking to break free.

1. The Deceptive Allure of Alcohol for the Shy and Reserved

Courtney’s initial interactions with alcohol were marked by caution due to a family history of alcoholism and mental health issues. Her first heavy drinking experience at age 17 was “violently ill.” Yet, a trip across the border to Canada on her 19th birthday fundamentally shifted her perspective. She described this moment as falling in love with the drinking culture and how it made her feel.

“I was a shy kid… And so I felt like that first night of drinking at a bar, it loosened me up. I was able to dance with dudes. Like I just, it felt like I was finally free.”

For many who struggle with social anxiety or shyness, alcohol acts as a quick, albeit deceptive, social lubricant. This feeling of being “finally free” can create a powerful association between alcohol and self-confidence, setting the stage for a dependency that often goes unexamined for years. This is especially true in cultures, like the one she described in the Midwest, where heavy drinking is an ingrained social norm and “a natural evolution” in a young person’s life.

2. Understanding the Gray Area Drinking Spectrum

Courtney’s active drinking period, from age 19 to 29, was an evolution from “fun” to “something darker.” This decade showcases the full spectrum of alcohol use disorder (AUD), which wasn’t widely discussed as a spectrum when she was going through it. At 25, she recognized the internal voice telling her, “You’re gonna have to quit drinking one day,” yet she spent the next four years attempting to moderate.

Key elements of her gray area drinking included:

  • Blackouts: Losing hours or nights of memory.
  • Mixing Substances: The use of alcohol led to cocaine use, which she noted she “would not have done… if I wasn’t drinking.”
  • Functional Exterior: She “always held a job,” “always paid my bills,” and held it together, which is characteristic of high-functioning alcohol use. This outward appearance of control often delays seeking help because the individual, and those around them, minimize the internal struggle.
  • The Moderation Cycle: A four-year period of making rules for herself—”stick to beer only,” “only drink on the weekends”—only to slowly move the goalposts and “always going back to how it’s ended.” This constant bartering with yourself is exhausting and breeds shame.

3. The Shift from Hangovers to Panic Attacks

One of the most defining and terrifying shifts in Courtney’s drinking was the onset of extreme anxiety following a night of heavy use. After she turned 25, her “hangovers turned to panic attacks.” This is a common and critical progression in heavy drinking, often referred to as alcohol-induced anxiety or hangxiety.

“It was not just like a little teensy bits of anxiety. It was like full blown. I am thinking I’m going to die.”

The physical and psychological stress alcohol places on the central nervous system leads to a rebound effect when it leaves the body. The brain, attempting to rebalance from the depressant effects of alcohol, becomes hyper-excitable, leading to intense fear, racing heart, and the feeling of impending doom. This experience was so severe that it led her to an urgent care visit where, in her words, she genuinely felt she was “gonna die and have a heart attack.” This escalating consequence makes the cycle more difficult to maintain and often serves as a significant motivator for change.

4. The Cat-alyst: Finding Your Non-Self-Love Reason

Courtney’s ultimate decision to quit came after a dramatic blackout that resulted in her losing her cat, Fiona, by leaving a sliding glass door open. For three agonizing days, she was in the “worst hangover of my life,” crippled by guilt and shame, while her boyfriend was furious.

In a moment of desperation and clarity, she made a pact: If I find her, this is my sign to give up alcohol.

When Fiona emerged on the third day, the world went silent—a true “universe, god slash movie moment.” The cat, a rescue and the heart of her partner, became the catalyst for her change.

“A lot of people wanna debate this one where it’s like, well, you shouldn’t get sober for something else. But it’s like, but something’s gotta be the catalyst. And at, at that beginning, I did not love myself.”

While the eventual goal of sobriety is self-love, the starting line often involves a deep connection to something or someone else: a child, a partner, a pet, a career, or a health crisis. This external motivation provides the necessary leverage when self-worth is low. Her husband’s clear boundary—”You can continue to drink. I’m not gonna partake in this anymore… it’s too much”—also forced a choice: keep the drinking life or keep the loving partner.

5. Prioritizing the Single, Crucial Goal in Early Sobriety

After her “day one” on August 18, 2012, Courtney’s first year of sobriety was focused on one thing: not drinking today. She recognized the danger of trying to overhaul her entire life at once.

“That first year for me was just like, I’m not drinking today, and that is all I’m gonna focus… It’s too much [to take on everything at once].”

This foundational principle is critical for sustainable recovery. It involves:

  • White Knuckling: The first two years were admittedly a lot of “white knuckling”—pushing through cravings and discomfort with sheer willpower.
  • Holding onto Gratitude: Starting every morning with: “Thank you for another day sober.”
  • Radical Self-Care: Allowing herself to “eat cupcakes,” “nap if I need to,” and take time away from the world. This is the opposite of the perfectionism and people-pleasing that often fuel addiction.
  • The Ugly Process: Acknowledging the raw, unfiltered emotions that surfaced, including “driving around… like crying and screaming in my car.” This is the natural, messy, and necessary process of feeling the feelings she had been numbing for a decade.

Courtney also made an important distinction about traditional recovery programs: she found the 12 Steps overwhelming initially (“How the hell am I gonna stay sober for 10 years?”). This highlights the importance of finding a recovery path that resonates with the individual’s mental and emotional state at the time, which may not always be a one-size-fits-all approach. For those struggling to find the right fit, it’s important to explore various options and resources. Recovery.com offers tools to filter and find mental health and addiction treatment specific to your needs, including therapy types and levels of care.

6. The Three-Year Blueprint for Rebuilding a Sober Life

After prioritizing sobriety in year one, Courtney built upon that foundation with an intentional, phased approach. Her first year was all about stopping the drinking, focusing only on being sober today, and embracing radical self-care.

In her second year, she moved on to address her physical health, integrating “fitness and nutrition” now that her mind wasn’t clouded by alcohol.

Her third year was dedicated to personal development. This is when she started developing her “morning routine” of meditation and reading and actively returned to therapy to work on underlying emotional issues.

This phased approach prevents burnout and allows the individual to develop self-trust and confidence incrementally. Each day, week, and year sober builds a sense of “I can do hard things,” which replaces the shame and self-hatred of active addiction. This slow but steady process is how you develop the “new version of me.”

7. The Surprise Realizations of Early Sobriety

When asked about the biggest surprises in her first year, Courtney pointed to two major insights:

  1. The Overwhelming Surge of Emotion: Addiction is often about numbing. When the substance is removed, all the feelings—past trauma, present anxiety, sudden joy, and crushing guilt—come “to the surface” at once. This is the hardest part, but also the most essential for true healing.
  2. The Discovery of Inner Strength: “I’m a lot tougher than I thought… I can do hard things.” The courage it takes to get sober reveals a resilience that was hidden beneath the addiction. This newfound strength becomes the engine for long-term recovery.

8. Nurturing Recovery Long-Term: The Non-Negotiable Routine

Over a decade into sobriety, the work isn’t over—it evolves. Courtney’s continued sobriety relies on awareness and action to avoid becoming “stagnant” in recovery, which she calls “the dangerous thing.”

  • Getting Help When Needed: When she developed postpartum OCD after her son’s birth, she immediately went back to therapy, demonstrating that asking for help is a sign of strength, not failure.
  • Continuous Self-Regulation: A major challenge, even over a decade later, came in the form of motherhood. “I understand why mom’s drink. I get it. I have been humbled.” In that moment of intense stress, her awareness kicked in.
  • The Non-Negotiable Morning Routine: Her established year-three habits became her bedrock: “I had to get back onto my gratitude list, my 10 to 15 minutes of just reading personal development and get back onto my meditation.” Even on vacation, this routine is a non-negotiable tool for grounding herself. “At least I can control this,” she noted.

9. Coaching for the Highly Sensitive and Perfectionist

Courtney’s coaching practice, Sober Vibes, focuses on high-achieving women dealing with gray area drinking. She recognized a pattern: many of the women she works with are empaths and highly sensitive people (HSPs), often with tendencies toward perfectionism and codependency.

  • Empathy and Anxiety: Highly sensitive people feel everything deeply, and alcohol becomes a tool to “make it stop.”
  • The Codependency Trap: The relentless cycle of people-pleasing and over-booking themselves leads to depletion. “You gotta allow yourself some rest, you have to allow yourself, you time before you give all to others.” This continuous pouring from an empty cup leads to burnout and a “F it, what’s the point?” mindset that drives them back to the bottle.

Her coaching gives these women “permission just to be” and encourages radical rest and boundaries, breaking the cycle of self-sacrificing behavior that underlies their drinking.

10. The Power of Personalization in Healing

Courtney waited six years to become a coach to ensure she had worked through her own codependency and had a solid foundation. Her core philosophy is that “there’s no one way to heal because it’s so personalized. It’s not one size fits all.” This is why she works one-on-one with clients, meeting them where they are and building a bespoke plan based on their unique personality and challenges.

Posted on

Alyson Stoner on Navigating Trauma and an Eating Disorder in the Hollywood Spotlight

Alyson Stoner, a familiar face from childhood classics like Cheaper by the Dozen, Step Up, and Camp Rock, knows the intense, often unsustainable, pressures of the entertainment industry firsthand. Starting at a young age, Stoner was immersed in 80-hour work weeks, financial responsibilities, and constant public scrutiny that extended to their body and personal life, leading to struggles with disordered eating, severe anxiety, and a deep lack of personal boundaries.

Now, as a certified mental health practitioner, policy advocate, and New York Times bestselling author of the memoir Semi Well Adjusted, Despite Literally Everything, Stoner has transformed their experience into a powerful platform for change. They are the founder of Movement Genius, a digital platform offering therapist-led content, and a mental health coordinator for film productions.

On Recoverycast, Stoner shared the profound lessons learned from their journey through the Hollywood pressure cooker and into a life of proactive wellness. Their story offers a crucial window into how systemic issues in high-demand environments can impact a developing mind, and more importantly, how healing, agency, and recovery can be found, even when your foundation has been constantly shifting.

Recognizing That Traumas Can Become “Superpowers”

A key theme in recovery is learning to re-contextualize the coping mechanisms and survival strategies developed during times of stress. What was once necessary to survive can, with conscious effort, be channeled into something productive.

“That’s where you take the hypervigilance that was once suggested a survival strategy and apply it in a proactive way,” Stoner notes. They reflect that many qualities others praise in their career—their “superpowers”—are actually rooted in the very traumas they experienced. For instance, the constant need to be adaptable and ready for change on set, while initially creating an imbalance, can be reframed as a high degree of flexibility and responsiveness in their adult work as a practitioner and advocate.

This process involves recognizing that the drive, attention to detail, or ability to anticipate problems (hypervigilance) isn’t inherently bad; the problem lies in the source and the intensity of its demand. By becoming aware of the origin, one gains the choice to use the skill purposefully rather than being driven by a subconscious need to survive.

Understanding the Child Performer’s First Map of the World

For any child, repeated experiences and absorbed messages form the foundational “map of the world.” For a child performer, this map is drawn under extreme and often unnatural conditions, leading to distorted perceptions of self and safety.

Stoner outlines the key differences between a typical childhood foundation and one built in the entertainment industry:

  • Lack of Routine and Consistency: Instead of reliable school schedules and a consistent home life, Stoner was working 80-hour weeks on constantly changing sets, eliminating the stability necessary for a secure attachment.
  • Blurred Identity: Young children lack a formed sense of self and primarily absorb external messages. Playing multiple characters without tools to differentiate led to blurred lines between their own thoughts and those of a role. Stoner felt like “tofu in essence,” absorbing the flavor of whatever role or environment surrounded them.
  • Reversed Caregiver Roles: Child performers can become financially responsible for a team of adults, placing the child in a position of power and vulnerability simultaneously. This compromises the safe, trustworthy space a young person needs from attuned caregivers.
  • Public Scrutiny: Dealing with public criticism and lack of privacy from a very young age teaches the child that the external world is a primary source of threat and judgment.

The Shift from Human Being to Product

The most detrimental implicit shift, Stoner explains, was learning to see themselves as an object:

“I came to know my body, my mind and body as an object to fix or a project to complete, because I was the product.”

This realization, driven by constant demands for modification in auditions and performances, replaced listening to their basic human needs. The self became a tool—something to be molded, starved, or overworked to meet an external standard. This environment cultivated a deep lack of boundaries, where they were programmed to be “fully available and accessible to everyone at all times,” often overlooking their own health and well-being.

Recognizing the “Toddler to Train Wreck Pipeline”

Stoner coined the term “toddler to train wreck pipeline” to describe the repeating spiral of young high-performing individuals (in arts, sports, or academics) who experience an early peak and then undergo a public downward spiral involving mental health crises, exploitation, or addiction.

This pipeline, Stoner argues, is not due to personal failure, but to major systemic variables that are not addressed in the industry. It’s a preventable crisis. By analyzing media culture, industry protocols, and child labor laws, Stoner recognized that proactive intervention is possible. Their current work as a mental health coordinator for film productions addresses these very gaps, creating protocols to support the psychological safety of cast and crew.

Coping Strategies as Natural Responses to Extreme Circumstance

The struggles with disordered eating and over-exercising were not random but were “responses to really extreme and bizarre circumstances.” In an environment where control over life, safety, and identity was nonexistent, these behaviors provided a false sense of agency and control.

Stoner also highlights the high-octane nature of the work itself, which contributed to an addictive high pattern:

“I think that too, as a child, I didn’t realize what was happening, but I was developing that sort of addictive high pattern… So even when I wasn’t booking work anymore, or as regularly, I would find other things to do that would give me that same spike.”

Performing in front of thousands of people offers an adrenaline and dopamine rush that is followed by a natural dip, known as a post-tour depressive period. Without tools to understand or manage this cycle, the body seeks that high through other means. The eating disorder, therefore, became an unconscious attempt to keep it all together and suppress emotions that would have interfered with the job.

The Need for Proactive Mental Health Coordination

The lack of mental health support on sets was a significant factor in the toll taken on Stoner and their peers. At the time, creative spaces prioritized the story’s intensity over the human cost.

This problem extended beyond the child actor to every member of the production. This includes crew members setting up scenes that might trigger past trauma, editors working in dark rooms cutting intense material for long hours, and even the audience, whose constant consumption of intense, violent material leads to desensitization and dissociation. Stoner’s work as a mental health coordinator is now focused on ensuring ethical media creation for everyone involved, from the performers to the crew and the audience.

The Journey to Treatment: Repairing the “Instrument”

At 17, after realizing their disordered eating had taken control and following a significant audition, Stoner entered treatment. Initially, the goal was merely to “repair my instrument, and then get back out in the game”—a reflection of the product mentality.

However, treatment provided a radically different experience, including a steady, structured schedule, adults not on the payroll who were invested in their human development, and the space to ask: “What do you want for your life?” This environment allowed the deeper, years-long conditioning to begin to unravel.

The first day was incredibly difficult, marked by chemical and emotional withdrawal from the dependencies they had built. “It felt like my body was on fire,” Stoner recalls, a testament to how physically hard it is to quit a survival mechanism.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as the First Step

In early recovery, the focus shifted to cognitive tools to manage the racing thoughts that drove the unhealthy behaviors. Stoner found immense utility in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), particularly the creation of trigger cards. This involved assessing triggers, naming old ways (the historical, non-serving response), and then establishing highly specific replacement strategies for that particular trigger. The consistent, moment-to-moment practice of “catching the thought as it happens, challenging the truth of it, and changing it in real time” was a critical early intervention.

Embracing Somatic Tools to Regulate the Nervous System

While CBT helped with the mind, the body needed a different approach. After leaving the structured environment of treatment and re-engaging with life’s stressors, Stoner shifted to somatic tools—practices that focus on the mind-body connection—to handle the inevitable discomfort.

Somatic work teaches a person how to feel discomfort without immediately needing to run away or fix it with a coping mechanism. This is a difficult pivot, especially when society often equates meditation with “emptying your mind,” which is nearly impossible for someone with an activated nervous system.

The Power of Titration and Patience in Healing

Working with a somatic psychotherapist, Stoner was introduced to the concept of titration—a technique for managing intense emotional experiences by working in small, manageable doses.

Imagine being in a pot of hot water. When the stress (“heat”) becomes too much and you start to “boil over,” titration involves using small techniques to dial down the heat to a manageable level before dipping back into the difficult work.

For Stoner, this meant a session might only involve noticing that their hand formed an angry fist when a difficult topic was raised. That’s it. The session’s goal was not a breakthrough but to feel and name the physical reaction without escalating. This slow, steady process acknowledges that the body will resist change if pushed too far, viewing it as unsafe.

Finding Your Path: The Diverse Faces of Recovery

Stoner emphasizes that there is no single path to healing. Recovery is not a one-size-fits-all process.

For some, it means walking away from the source of trauma forever. For others, it might mean doing the deep work to heal and then using that knowledge to become an advocate or an agent of change within the very system that caused the harm. The key is developing the wisdom and discernment to know what is best for your current stage of healing, and to avoid re-traumatizing yourself by rushing to turn pain into purpose.

The ability to pivot from a life of intense performance to one of thoughtful practice and advocacy has allowed Stoner to help the next generation avoid the pitfalls they experienced. By sharing their story, they offer both a mirror for those who recognize their own struggles and a window for others to understand the vital need for systemic change in high-pressure industries.

Posted on

Structural Family Therapy: 7 Characteristics That Make a Difference

Structural Family Therapy (SFT) is a widely respected model in the field of family-based interventions. Salvador Minuchin first published it in Harvard University Press in the 1970s. At its core, this approach aims to bring balance and clarity to family relationships by strengthening the overall structure—especially the hierarchy within the household.

According to Structural Family Therapy,1 adolescent difficulties often reflect deeper issues within the family system, such as:

  • Imbalanced family structure, where roles and responsibilities are unclear or poorly defined
  • Weak or confusing hierarchy, especially when boundaries between parents and children are blurred
  • Poor adaptability to change, with the family struggling to adjust to new developmental or emotional needs

SFT sees adolescent struggles not just as individual issues, but as symptoms of a more profound  imbalance in how the family is organized. For example, unclear boundaries between parents and children, or inconsistent roles in decision-making, can lead to confusion and conflict.

That’s why therapists using this model focus on reinforcing the parental role, encouraging caregivers to present a united front and clearly distinguish their responsibilities from those of their children. As families move through different life stages, especially adolescence, the structure of authority needs to evolve too. Boundaries should remain firm, but flexible enough to support a teenager’s growing need for independence while still maintaining parental guidance.

Although this method is well-established and commonly practiced, there’s still limited research2 specifically evaluating how effective it is for treating adolescents with mental health concerns. Nevertheless, it remains a trusted framework for many clinicians working to restore harmony and resilience within families.

What is Strategic Family Therapy?

Strategic Family Therapy3 is deeply rooted in the systemic model and is known for its more directive, solution-focused style. In this approach, symptoms, such as emotional distress or behavioral problems, are seen not just as individual issues, but as signals of a family’s difficulty in resolving a problem. These symptoms often serve a purpose within the family dynamic, even if unintentionally.

According to the strategic model, families tend to rely on familiar solutions that may have worked in the past. But when new or more complex problems arise, those old strategies can fall short, leading the family to repeat ineffective patterns and become stuck in what’s known as a “symptom-maintaining sequence.” The goal of strategic therapy is to help families break this cycle by introducing new, practical actions and alternative solutions they haven’t yet tried.

Brief Strategic Family Therapy

There’s strong evidence supporting the effectiveness of Brief Strategic Family Therapy (BSFT),4 a manualized, targeted version of this model, particularly for adolescents with mental health issues. While structural family therapy and strategic family therapy are distinct methods within the systemic framework, they share overlapping principles. In fact, many therapeutic programs, such as BSFT and Multisystemic Therapy (MST), successfully blend techniques from both to create more flexible and holistic interventions.

When Is It Used? 

Structural Family Therapy is particularly effective in families experiencing high levels of stress, unresolved conflict, dysfunction,or behavioral issues among children or adolescents. It is often used when there are:

·     Power struggles or unclear parental roles and hierarchies

·     Behavioral problems in children or teens

·     Chronic conflict in family functioning and family interactions between family members

·     A major life change, such as divorce, changes in the structure of the family, trauma, mental health problems or loss

·     Symptoms of enmeshment or emotional disengagement

Structural Family Therapy can be an effective approach for members of the family navigating a range of emotional, behavioral, and situational challenges, especially when the family dynamic plays a central role. There are centers which typically offer individualized care that combines psychiatry, psychotherapy and family counseling for many conditions and their underlying causes. This includes:

·     Behavioral disorders in adolescents, such as ADHD5 or oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)

·     Mood disorders like bipolar disorder6

·     Eating disorders, including those linked to control and identity issues

·     Grief and loss, particularly when trauma symptoms or PTSD emerge

·     Major life transitions—such as coming out, unexpected pregnancy, or job loss—that impact the whole family

·     Substance use concerns, especially in teens or young adults

·     Sleep-related issues like chronic insomnia when rooted in emotional stress within the family

While SFT is powerful for issues influenced by family patterns, it may not be the best standalone option for concerns that originate outside the family system. In those cases, individual psychotherapy might be a better fit—or the two approaches can work together for more comprehensive support.
SFT is goal-oriented and short-term, usually lasting around 12–20 sessions depending on the complexity of the issues.

Key Components of Structural Family Therapy

Structural Family Therapy offers a set of strategic tools designed to improve how families function, particularly when supporting adolescents with mental health challenges. The focus isn’t just on the individual—it’s on transforming the family structure and the quality of relationships within it. These key components help guide therapy sessions and the process, and act as techniques that complement family mapping:

1. Building a Strong Therapeutic Connection (“Joining”)

This first step involves the therapist actively engaging with the family in a respectful, non-threatening way to build trust and rapport. Rather than acting as an outsider, the therapist “joins” the family system to understand their communication patterns, unspoken rules, and hierarchy —becoming a temporary part of the system to influence it and make positive change on family issues from within.

2. Clarifying Family Roles and Boundaries

One of the most important tasks in SFT is assessing the family’s boundaries—whether they are too rigid (leading to emotional distance) or too diffuse (resulting in enmeshment). The therapist works to strengthen healthy boundaries or establish clear boundaries, often by realigning subsystems to promote healthier parent-child interactions and restore parental leadership.

3. Targeting Parenting Practices

Research highlights that coercive (harsh, controlling) and permissive (inconsistent, overly lenient) parenting are strongly linked to both internalizing (e.g. anxiety, depression) and externalizing (e.g. aggression, defiance) problems in teens.7 SFT interventions often aim to reduce these negative interaction patterns and extremes by coaching parents in more balanced, responsive approaches to resolving family problems.

4. Strengthening Parental Competence and Confidence

In a dysfunctional family system, parents may feel overwhelmed, unsupported, or unsure of their role—leading to inconsistent responses and increased tension. How parents perceive their own effectiveness—known as parental competence—can significantly impact their child’s well-being. When parents feel confident and capable, they’re more likely to respond constructively during moments of tension. SFT supports this by reinforcing parental authority and validating the challenges of parenting adolescents.

5. Improving Parenting Alliance and Co-Parenting

Effective family therapy also considers the parenting alliance—how well caregivers work together as a team. Studies show that mothers often carry a heavier emotional and logistical load, leading to higher involvement but lower perceived support. SFT helps improve communication, collaboration, and shared decision-making between parents, whether partnered or separated.

6. Adapting to Developmental Needs (Especially in Adolescence)

Adolescence is a period of rapid change and increasing independence. SFT recognizes the importance of adapting boundaries and expectations during this time. Parents are encouraged to maintain authority while allowing space for autonomy, helping teens feel both supported and respected. This is critical with extended families (or blended families) where children on both sides need additional care.

7. Cognitive Reframing


Cognitive reframing is one of the family therapy technique, the therapist helps family members shift how they interpret situations—encouraging them to view challenges from a new, more constructive perspective. By reframing negative thoughts or assumptions, individuals can reduce blame, increase empathy, and respond more positively to each other. It’s a powerful tool within Structural Therapy that promotes understanding and emotional flexibility.

What to Look for in a Structural Family Therapist

When searching for a structural family therapist, consider looking at our website and think about the following:

·     Training and credentials in Structural Family Therapy or systemic therapy

·     A nonjudgmental, neutral stance

·     Cultural sensitivity to your family’s background

·     A sense of comfort and trust in the therapist

SFT has helped countless families restructure unhealthy dynamics and create lasting emotional change. Its strength lies in addressing the family as a whole—reorganizing interactions, reinforcing positive roles, and empowering members to support one another.

FAQs

Q: What is Structural Family Therapy?


A: Structural Family Therapy (SFT)8 is a form of psychotherapy that aims to identify and restructure dysfunctional patterns within a family system. SFT focuses on creating healthier family hierarchies, boundaries, and interactions to promote emotional well-being and effective communication and emotional support between members. Rather than isolating the problem within a single person, it sees the family as a unit where each member influences, and is influenced by, the others.

Q: How is SFT different from other types of family therapy?


A: Unlike approaches that primarily explore emotions or past experiences, SFT is action-oriented and focuses on the present structure of the family. It examines the roles, rules, and power dynamics within the family unit and intervenes directly—often during sessions—to reshape unhelpful interactions and strengthen appropriate boundaries.

Q: Who can benefit from SFT?

A: SFT can help families dealing with a wide range of challenges, including child or adolescent behavioral problems, emotional disconnection, trauma, divorce, substance use, or blended family stress. It’s particularly effective for families that feel stuck in repeated conflict cycles or struggle with unclear roles and authority.

Q: How long does Structural Family Therapy take?


A: The duration of SFT varies but typically ranges from 12 to 20 sessions. Factors that influence length include the severity of the presenting issues, the number of family members involved, and how motivated the family is to engage in the restructuring process. Some families may benefit from shorter interventions, while others require more extended support.

Q: Does the therapist work with the whole family at once?


A: A hallmark of SFT is working with the family as a whole to observe interactional patterns in real time. The therapist may also conduct occasional individual or subgroup sessions to better understand specific dynamics, but the primary goal is to facilitate systemic change within the entire family unit. This collaborative, in-session modeling helps families practice new, more functional ways of relating.

Q: Can SFT help with parenting challenges?


A: SFT is particularly beneficial for families navigating parenting difficulties such as inconsistent discipline, unclear boundaries, or conflicting caregiving styles. These issues often result in mixed messages, power struggles, or emotional insecurity for children and adolescents. SFT works to restore a balanced family structure by reinforcing a strong parental hierarchy and promoting co-parenting collaboration. It encourages caregivers to present a united front and adopt clear, developmentally appropriate boundaries. This creates a more predictable and emotionally secure environment where children feel supported and parents feel more competent.

Posted on

Self-Sabotage: 9+ Signs, Causes, and How to Break the Cycle

Have you ever found yourself procrastinating on something important, turning down a great opportunity, or saying something you didn’t mean—only to later ask, “Why did I do that?” If so, you’re not alone. Many of us engage in behaviors that quietly (or loudly) get in the way of our own goals, dreams, and wellbeing. This frustrating pattern is known as self-sabotage.

Self-sabotage doesn’t mean you’re broken or lazy. In fact, it often comes from a place of deep fear, learned survival strategies, or a nervous system trying to protect you—even when that protection causes harm. The good news? These patterns can be understood, challenged, and changed.

In this article, we’ll explore what self-sabotage is, why it happens, how to recognize it, and most importantly, what you can do to break the cycle. Whether you’re aware of your patterns or just starting to connect the dots, this article will help you move from your role as saboteur to protector.

What Is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage refers to behaviors or thought patterns that hold us back from achieving our goals, often without us realizing it. These behaviors might seem helpful or necessary in the moment, but they tend to reinforce cycles of shame, avoidance, or fear.

Signs of Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage can be subtle, and it doesn’t look the same for everyone. Here are some common signs that you may be engaging in self-sabotaging behavior:

  • Procrastination or chronic avoidance
  • Setting unrealistic goals (and then feeling like a failure for not meeting them)
  • Negative self-talk and harsh self-criticism
  • Starting projects or relationships strong and then abruptly withdrawing
  • Sabotaging opportunities with perfectionism or last-minute panic
  • Feeling uncomfortable or unworthy when things are going well
  • Overcommitting and burning out
  • Turning to unhealthy coping strategies like substance use, excessive screen time, or emotional eating
  • Fear of asking for help or receiving support
  • Procrastinating on assignments1 or projects despite having enough time, then blaming lack of time for poor performance

These patterns often lead to a cycle of regret, shame, and more sabotage. Recognizing the signs is the first step toward interrupting the pattern, increasing self-awareness, and taking steps towards personal growth.

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage isn’t about weakness, there’s also no one form of self-sabotage. It’s usually a coping mechanism that may be getting in the way of personal and short-term or long-term goals.

Here are a few reasons self-sabotage might show up:

1. Fear of Failure (or Success)

If failure feels devastating, we might unconsciously create distance from our goals to avoid disappointment or to decrease vulnerability. Paradoxically, some experience fear of success.2 This is because success can be equally scary. It might mean change, pressure, or a shift in identity.

2. Low Self-Worth

If you carry the belief that you’re not good enough or don’t deserve good things, you might act in ways that reinforce that belief. This can include turning down opportunities, pushing people away, or giving up before you even begin.

3. Control and Predictability

Failing on our own terms can feel safer than risking the unknown. Self-sabotage can be a way of staying in control of outcomes, even painful ones.

4. Trauma and Protective Mechanisms

People who’ve experienced trauma3—especially relational trauma—may sabotage connection or progress as a way to stay emotionally safe. If thriving feels unfamiliar, the nervous system may respond with resistance.

When Should You Seek Help?

If self-sabotage is consistently interfering with your relationships, career, health, or mental wellbeing, it may be time to seek professional support. 

You don’t have to hit “rock bottom” to benefit from therapy, but if it’s leading you to struggle with things like low self-esteem, negative thoughts, self-doubt, low self-confidence, limiting beliefs, or with your mental health in general, it may be time to reach out.

Here are some signs that outside help could be beneficial:

  • You feel stuck in repetitive patterns you can’t break
  • You frequently regret your actions but don’t know how to change
  • Your inner critic feels overwhelming or cruel
  • Perfectionist behaviors are getting in the way of self-improvement or success
  • You avoid opportunities you deeply want out of fear
  • You feel anxious, depressed, or emotionally numb much of the time
  • You’re struggling to connect with loved ones or in your romantic relationships4
  • You feel unable to stop self-destructive or self-defeating behaviors
  • Negative beliefs and emotions lead you to experience overthinking, limit your own success, or disengage in self-care

You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Healing is possible—and you deserve support along the way.

How to Break the Cycle

Self-sabotage is sticky because it’s often unconscious, but the good news is you can overcome self-sabotage. The key is learning to recognize it, approach it with compassion, and slowly replace it with more aligned behaviors.

Strategies To Help You Stop Self-Sabotaging:

  • Build Awareness: Start by noticing your self-sabotaging patterns and doing some self-research. Take note: When do they tend to show up? What thoughts or feelings come with them? Journaling or working with a therapist can help make these patterns visible. Don’t be afraid to look up some books5 and resources on self-sabotage too!
  • Identify the Underlying Belief: What fear or belief is underneath the behavior? (e.g., “If I try and fail, I’ll prove I’m not good enough.”) Naming this belief is a powerful step toward challenging it.
  • Practice Self-Compassion: You’re not doing this to hurt yourself—you’re trying to protect yourself. Speak to yourself gently and have self-compassion.6 Ask: What do I need right now? Or What part of me is trying to help right now, even if it’s doing so in a harmful way?
  • Set Small, Sustainable Goals: When fear or overwhelm kicks in, large goals can feel paralyzing. It can help to break things down and tackle them in your own way through creating SMART goals.7 Celebrate progress, not perfection.
  • Work With a Professional: Psychotherapy can help uncover the roots of self-sabotage and create space for healing, especially if trauma or deep-seated self-worth issues are involved. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can also be helpful to aid you with reframing your self-sabotage thinking patterns.

Self-sabotage can feel like an invisible barrier between you and the life you want—but it isn’t permanent. These behaviors often start as coping tools and can be unlearned with patience, support, and self-awareness. When you start to notice what’s driving your actions and gently challenge the beliefs that no longer serve you, change becomes possible. You don’t need to have it all figured out. Growth happens when you take steady, honest steps toward the life you want—without punishing yourself along the way.

If you’re ready to stop getting in your own way, consider working with a trauma-informed therapist or treatment program that can help you understand the roots of self-sabotage—and build a healthier, more supportive path forward.

FAQs

Q: What mental disorder is self-sabotage?

A: Self-sabotage is not a mental disorder in itself, but it can be a symptom or behavior pattern associated with several mental health conditions. These include depression, anxiety disorders, borderline personality disorder (BPD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). It can also occur in individuals without a diagnosable condition, often as a learned coping strategy or result of unresolved emotional wounds.

Q: What is the meaning of self-sabotaging behavior?

A: Self-sabotaging behavior refers to actions (or inactions) that undermine your own success, well-being, or goals. These behaviors often emerge from unconscious fears, low self-esteem, or internalized beliefs that you’re unworthy of happiness or success. Even when the intention is to protect yourself from disappointment or failure, the result is usually increased frustration, regret, and emotional pain.

Q: How can therapy help with self-sabotaging behaviors?

A: Therapy helps by identifying the roots of self-sabotage—such as fear, trauma, or limiting beliefs—and providing tools to change those patterns. A therapist can help you increase self-awareness, challenge negative self-talk, and develop healthier coping strategies. In trauma-informed or cognitive-behavioral approaches, therapy also offers a safe space to build self-compassion and practice new ways of relating to yourself and your goals.

Q: Why do people engage in self-sabotaging behaviors?

A: People self-sabotage for a variety of reasons, most of which are rooted in fear, shame, or self-protection. Common motivations include:

  • Fear of failure or success
  • Low self-worth or imposter syndrome
  • Desire to stay in control of outcomes
  • Learned patterns from childhood or past trauma
  • Difficulty tolerating positive emotions or vulnerability

Q: Can self-sabotage affect my relationships?

A: Yes, self-sabotaging behaviors can significantly impact relationships. This might look like pushing people away when things feel too close, codependency, testing boundaries, being overly critical, or avoiding conflict until it explodes. People may unconsciously sabotage healthy connections due to fears of rejection, abandonment, or being “too much.” Over time, these patterns can create instability, miscommunication, or emotional distance. There is help available for you and your loved ones. Family therapy may be a beneficial treatment option to explore.

Posted on

Lauren Welch’s 11 Signs That It’s Time to Reevaluate Your Relationship with Alcohol

In a world where “mommy wine culture” and social drinking are not only normalized but often celebrated, it can be incredibly difficult to recognize when a casual habit crosses the line into something more. For many, the progression is a slow, almost imperceptible burn, a gradual shift from social experimentation to a nightly ritual. It’s not always a dramatic rock bottom, but rather a quiet realization that something isn’t working anymore.

In a recent episode of Recoverycast, host Brittani Baynard sat down with Lauren Welch, a salon owner, hairstylist, and the founder of Sober Curious Society. Lauren’s journey is a powerful testament to this reality—a story that moves from a “normal” childhood and typical adolescent partying to a sober-curious life sparked by a series of pivotal, deeply personal events. Her experience sheds light on the subtle signs that can signal a need for change, even when your life appears to be “together.”

1. Recognizing the “Slow Burn” of Alcohol Use

Lauren’s story begins like many others: with early experimentation in high school. “I had a quote unquote normal childhood,” she shares, a statement that underscores the seemingly harmless beginnings of her relationship with alcohol. She describes a social life centered around parties in rural Land O’Lakes, Florida, where she first noticed a difference in her own drinking habits compared to her peers. “I even like knew back then that I overdid it more than other kids did,” she admits. This early awareness is a crucial sign—an internal red flag that many people, including Lauren, initially dismiss.

This slow progression continued through college and her early career as a hairstylist. While she was able to maintain her studies and professional life, drinking remained a central pillar of her social identity. “Everything we did involved drinking,” Lauren said. This is a common theme for many people, where alcohol becomes the foundation of friendships and social activities. The identity of being the “fun” or “party” person can become so intertwined with drinking that the thought of stepping away feels like losing a piece of yourself.

2. When Drinking Shifts from Social to Solitary

A significant turning point in Lauren’s story occurred after she had her children. The social party scene was replaced with the quiet solitude of home life, and her drinking habits adapted to match. The glass of wine she started with became a nightly ritual—a way to unwind after a long day of motherhood and work.

“It switched from going out to bars to drinking on my couch,” she explains. This transition is a key indicator that alcohol is no longer just a social lubricant but has become a coping mechanism. The public affirmation of being a “fun” partier is replaced by a private, often lonely, reliance on alcohol to manage stress and anxiety. For Lauren, this was exacerbated by the pandemic, a period she describes as a “never ending hurricane party” that made it feel acceptable to drink more heavily. The stresses of a newborn, a business shutdown, and her husband’s furlough created a perfect storm of anxiety, and alcohol became the only tool she felt she had to cope.

3. The Unpredictability of Your Body’s Reaction

As Lauren’s drinking progressed, she began to notice a startling inconsistency in how her body reacted to alcohol. She describes a feeling of being “freaked out” by her own behavior. “I could have a glass of wine and be like blackout drunk sometimes,” she shares, “or I could have like several drinks and be up and talking and you wouldn’t know that I drank a lot.” This unpredictability is a serious warning sign. It suggests that your body’s tolerance and response to alcohol have become dysregulated, making it impossible to control the outcome of a single drink. This lack of control is a major characteristic of alcohol use disorder.

This phenomenon of a shifting tolerance is often a sign of increased physiological dependence. As the body adapts to regular alcohol intake, the brain’s chemistry is altered, leading to unpredictable and sometimes dangerous reactions. The simple act of having a drink is no longer a guaranteed outcome; it becomes a gamble with your own behavior and well-being.

Explore alcohol addiction treatment centers.

4. When Alcohol Becomes a Daily Craving

For Lauren, the habit became so ingrained that it triggered a psychological response similar to Pavlov’s Bell. The sound of a cork popping or a bottle opening would send a signal to her brain that it was time to drink. “I’m not joking, like the cork like opening, it would send this like response, like the sound of it. It was very weird,” she says. This is a classic example of classical conditioning, where a neutral stimulus (the sound of a cork) becomes associated with a desired outcome (the feeling of drinking alcohol). This craving is not just a passing thought; it’s a part of a daily routine, “like clockwork” that dictates her actions.

This behavioral pattern indicates that alcohol is no longer a choice but a compulsion. The brain has been rewired to anticipate and seek out the substance, making it incredibly difficult to break the cycle without addressing the underlying psychological and physical dependence.

5. Using Alcohol to Numb Traumatic Loss

The most significant event that fueled Lauren’s drinking was a series of personal tragedies that struck her family in quick succession. After opening her new salon suite, she experienced the sudden death of her husband’s brother, followed by her own father’s stroke just two weeks later. This double blow left her feeling overwhelmed and powerless. “I was just so sad and so angry,” she recalls. In the face of such immense grief, alcohol became her primary coping tool—a way to numb the pain and escape the reality of her loss.

While it is natural to seek comfort during a time of grief, turning to alcohol can create a cycle of avoidance and dependence. It prevents the brain from processing emotions in a healthy way and can exacerbate feelings of depression and anxiety in the long run. Lauren notes, “I was just so depressed and sad and anxious and, you know, you put on like a good face for like your family and your kids and all that kind of stuff. But I felt like I was like crumbling inside.” This external strength, combined with internal turmoil, is a dangerous combination that can lead to isolation and deeper reliance on alcohol.

See grief treatment options.

6. Arguments Stemming from Alcohol Use

One of the most telling signs of a problem, for Lauren, was the conflict it created in her marriage. Her husband, who is a recovering addict himself, became concerned about her drinking habits. “A lot of our arguments would be stemmed from when I was drinking,” she admits. Alcohol lowered her inhibitions, giving her “liquid courage” to bring up long-held frustrations, which often escalated into arguments.

This is a common issue for couples where one partner is struggling with alcohol use. Alcohol can impair judgment, increase aggression, and lead to communication breakdowns. The partner who is not drinking may feel they are walking on eggshells, while the one who is drinking may feel judged or controlled. This dynamic can erode trust and intimacy over time. Lauren mentions that her husband was “supportive, but stern,” which is an important balance for loved ones to strike. Offering support while also setting firm boundaries can be a crucial step in helping someone acknowledge and address their alcohol use.

7. When Your Defense Mechanisms Are Stronger Than Your Honesty

Despite the obvious signs, Lauren was in a state of denial about her drinking. When she and her husband went to see a therapist, she framed the issue as “He thinks that I drink too much, but I only have a couple glasses of wine.” This attempt to rationalize her behavior and shift the blame is a powerful defense mechanism. The therapist, wisely, did not take a side, instead allowing Lauren to come to her own conclusions.

This illustrates the challenge of addressing alcohol use. The individual must be willing to confront their own denial, which can be a slow and difficult process. Lauren acknowledges this, saying she “was still grasping to like, make other people realize, ‘Yeah, she’s fine.'” This need for external validation, to be told that her behavior was normal and acceptable, was a significant barrier to her recovery.

8. Putting On a Brave Face While “Crumbling Inside”

Lauren’s story is a powerful reminder that addiction doesn’t always look like what we see in movies. She was a successful business owner, a mother, and a wife who appeared to have it all together. However, underneath the surface, she was struggling deeply. “I felt like I was like crumbling of like,” she says. This is often the case with high-functioning alcohol use disorder. People who are able to maintain their jobs, relationships, and responsibilities may not fit the stereotype of an “addict,” which can make it even harder for them to seek help.

The act of “compartmentalizing” life is a common coping strategy. Lauren used her work to distract herself from the grief and stress she was experiencing. While this can be effective in the short term, it prevents true emotional processing. The pressure to appear strong and in control can be immense, especially for women and mothers who are often seen as the emotional anchors of their families. For Lauren, this meant she had to put on a “good face” for everyone, while internally she felt like she was falling apart.

9. The Fear of Being a Burden and Feeling Alone

When asked why she didn’t open up to others about her struggles, Lauren and Brittani both spoke to a common feeling of not wanting to be a burden. “I just felt like how, how? Like, how do I say it? Yeah. And like if I say that something’s wrong, what’s gonna happen?” Lauren shares. This fear of vulnerability can lead to profound isolation. People may feel that their problems are too big for anyone else to handle, so they keep them to themselves.

This sense of isolation is a key factor in the cycle of addiction. When people feel that they have to carry their burdens alone, they are more likely to turn to substances to cope. The shame and stigma associated with addiction can make it feel impossible to reach out for help. However, as Lauren’s story shows, the turning point often comes when you finally admit that you can’t do it alone and start the journey toward healing.

10. The Breaking Point: From “One Week” to a New Way of Life

For Lauren, the epic “meltdown” that became the catalyst for her sober journey didn’t happen in a dark, lonely place. It happened at a “black-tie, very fancy” family wedding where she was a bridesmaid. While holding a glass of wine, she “start screaming and yelling and acting like a total lunatic.” In that moment, she realized she had no one left to blame but herself. This public, undeniable display of her loss of control became her moment of clarity. “I was like, I think I’m gonna not drink for a week,” she remembers telling herself. This small, seemingly manageable goal was the first step toward a complete lifestyle change.

This is a powerful example of what is often called a “rock bottom,” but it’s a personal one. It doesn’t have to be a major catastrophe; it can be an event that forces you to confront the reality of your behavior and its consequences. From that week-long break, Lauren never looked back. Her “sober curious” journey was sparked, and it has since led to the creation of the Sober Curious Society, a community dedicated to exploring all aspects of sobriety.

11. Creating a New Life and Finding Genuine Connections

Today, Lauren is a testament to the fact that a life without alcohol is not a life without fun. She works with younger people who have found creative, sober ways to socialize and connect. “The amount of activities that they all do that don’t involve drinking is so cool,” she says. This is a stark contrast to her own youth, where every activity was centered around drinking.

She emphasizes the importance of building “bonds not based around like substances,” and reflects on her past friendships. “I think I had a million acquaintances, but I don’t know if I could have like, counted on someone to open up to.” Sobriety, for Lauren, has been about replacing those surface-level connections with genuine, meaningful relationships. It’s about finding joy in life’s simple moments and learning to be present, rather than constantly seeking to escape.

Posted on

From the Streets to Sobriety: Deonte’s 7+ Ways to Find Purpose in Addiction Recovery

Life in the streets, for many, promises a path to wealth, respect, and a certain kind of freedom. Yet, as countless stories of struggle and redemption show, this path often leads to a different reality—one of addiction, incarceration, and a profound disconnection from one’s true self. This is a journey intimately understood by Deonte, a man whose life was defined by the street hustle until a series of humbling events forced him to confront his truth. In a powerful conversation on the Giving Voice to Addiction podcast, Deonte shares his raw, unfiltered story of moving from a life of crime and substance abuse to one of purpose, authenticity, and leadership within the recovery community. His journey is a testament to the idea that you are more than your mistakes, and it offers a blueprint for anyone seeking to reclaim their life from the shadows of their past.

The common misconception is that a past filled with misdeeds and addiction disqualifies a person from a meaningful future. Deonte challenges this notion head-on, proving that the same experiences that once held him captive are now the foundation of his advocacy. He’s transformed his past from a source of shame into a source of strength, inspiring others to do the same. His story is not just about overcoming addiction; it’s about a complete lifestyle reform, moving from a criminal mindset to a purpose-driven life. Through his narrative, we’ll explore how his lowest moments became the catalysts for his greatest transformation, and how his unwavering commitment to his authentic self has paved the way for a powerful new purpose.

1. Reforming Your Lifestyle is the First Step

When Deonte talks about his recovery, he doesn’t just mention overcoming opiate addiction; he speaks of “lifestyle reform.” This distinction is crucial. For him, the drug use was a symptom of a larger problem—the chaotic, draining, and criminal lifestyle of the streets. He explains, “The lifestyle that we’re exposed to, it plays a huge part in feeding… substance use, chemical dependency.” The constant hustle of selling drugs, the violence of gang life, and the need to always be on guard spiritually and emotionally drained him. This lifestyle, while offering a false sense of freedom and control, actually took him away from his family and community, chipping away at his authentic identity.

The environment we inhabit and the choices we make within it have a profound impact on our well-being. For Deonte, the criminal environment not only fueled his addiction but also distorted his sense of self. He found himself making choices that were “probably not true to [his] authentic self,” and this internal conflict left him feeling exhausted and hollow. His recovery, therefore, wasn’t just about quitting drugs; it was about completely overhauling his life—changing his environment, his relationships, and his mindset. This holistic approach is often the key to lasting recovery.

2. The Link Between Trauma, Grief, and Addiction

Deonte’s drug use escalated dramatically after a devastating personal loss—the death of his brother while he was in prison. This tragedy, combined with the lack of support he expected upon his release, left him vulnerable and seeking a way to numb his pain. He found himself “really just trying to shield the pain of my brother passing.” This highlights a critical, often-overlooked aspect of addiction: its deep connection to trauma and unresolved grief.

Upon his release from prison, Deonte was met with competition instead of the brotherhood he had anticipated. The absence of his brother, who was meant to be his support system, created a void he desperately tried to fill. He describes how the addiction began to “catch on and just get worse and worse and just… trying to deal and cope with that.” This is a common pattern; without healthy coping mechanisms, individuals facing intense emotional pain may turn to substances to escape or suppress their feelings. The lack of accountability he experienced after cutting off his supportive friends further enabled his spiraling use, demonstrating the importance of a strong, healthy support network in navigating grief and recovery.

Explore treatment options for grief and trauma.

3. The Illusion of Control: From Dealer to User

Deonte’s story takes a compelling turn as he describes his transition from a drug dealer to an addict. For him, selling drugs was about “the idea, let’s get rich… get a certain number and then get out the game.” This is a classic example of the illusion of control—the belief that one can engage in a dangerous activity without succumbing to its pitfalls. He never intended to become a user, but as his circumstances changed and his emotional pain grew, he became vulnerable. As he eloquently states, “money is really what fed it.” With access to money and drugs, the lines between business and personal use blurred.

“I was actually, I had intentions on being, you know, a big mech, you know, or just trying to get, a certain number and then get out the game. It never goes that way, you know, it is, it is never enough. Or you get to that number and then it’s more.”

This slippery slope is a powerful warning. The false sense of security that comes with having money and access can quickly lead to an amplified use. What began as a taste of Percocets in prison evolved into a full-blown dependency on heroin after his finances and emotional state took a hit. His descent from a respected dealer to a desperate user looking around his room to see what he could sell was his rock bottom. It was a humbling experience that forced him to confront the truth of his situation.

See heroin treatment centers.

4. Hitting Rock Bottom and the Call for Change

Deonte’s lowest point wasn’t a dramatic overdose or a violent confrontation; it was the quiet, humiliating moment he stood in his room, contemplating what he could sell to get his next fix. He reflects, “I had all this access, all these connections, to now I’m somebody looking around they room like, what could I sell? That’s when I knew like, this is, this is my rock bottom.” This moment of profound vulnerability was a turning point. It stripped away his ego and forced him to see himself for what he had become—the very person he used to look down on.

This rock bottom experience led him to seek help through medicated assisted treatment (MAT), specifically Suboxone. He describes MAT as what “helped me… address it and really start to like, get a plan and be able to manage it.” Medicated assisted treatment, which combines medication with counseling and behavioral therapies, has been proven to be highly effective in treating opioid use disorder and reducing the risk of overdose. This was a crucial first step, but his journey was not linear. Like many in recovery, he experienced relapses, but each slip-up taught him something new. It wasn’t until a second incarceration—which he calls “the best thing that ever happened to [him]”—that he found true, lasting sobriety.

5. Finding Path, Plan, and Purpose

Deonte’s final incarceration was the moment God “sat him down,” as he puts it. It was a bizarre twist of fate—being set up by an acquaintance over a stolen car he didn’t even know was stolen—that landed him back in prison. He could have been bitter, but instead, he saw it as an intervention. It was in this moment that he found his path, plan, and purpose. The motivation to change was multifaceted: the birth of his second daughter, his mother’s plea, and the realization that he was tired of being part of a cycle of loss and violence.

“I was just looking around like, I’m tired of being a part of this. I’m tired of what this done did to me and my people. And I think that’s really just, it sparked something in me to take action.”

This newfound purpose became his driving force. He decided to become the one to “narrate this story,” taking his past and turning it into a tool for change. His path is now advocating for others, speaking out about his experiences, and getting involved in community organizations. This act of service not only helps others but also reinforces his own recovery. The sense of purpose and the opportunity to give back fills the void that drugs and the streets once occupied.

6. The Power of Community and Shared Experience

One of the most powerful messages Deonte offers is the importance of surrounding yourself with people who are on a similar path. He tells people who feel “too far gone” to “get around recovery, people get around success stories, feel it, touch it, you know, get involved.” He emphasizes that while everyone’s journey is different, seeing someone who has walked a similar path and succeeded can provide the spark of hope needed to start.

As a peer provider, Deonte works with incarcerated individuals, sharing his story and showing them that recovery is possible. His visibility—on podcasts, on the news, even on billboards—is a powerful tool for hope. When they see a person who is “similar to me… being accepted and celebrated,” it challenges the stigma and encourages them to believe in their own potential for change. This sense of belonging and shared experience is a cornerstone of effective recovery. A meta-analysis published in the Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment confirmed that peer support services are effective in improving substance use outcomes.

7. The Liberation of Living Your Authentic Self

For Deonte, the ultimate reward of recovery is authenticity. He describes his former self as a “lost, confused, broken man,” but the man he is today is “purpose driven” and “liberated.” He explains that his street identity was something he “built… because I thought that I had to be this guy.” In reality, his authentic self was the person who loved riding horses with his grandfather.

“the man in front of you is somebody who’s took accountability. Also not perfect by any means, just open and transparent about that, but also making that real effort and and you know, just taking that initiative really be that change that I wanna see in the world.”

This liberation from a false identity is the true essence of his recovery. He’s no longer operating in “fear, shame, and guilt.” By embracing his past, taking accountability, and openly sharing his story, he has found a freedom that the streets could never offer. His journey serves as a beacon for anyone who feels trapped by their past, demonstrating that the truest form of freedom comes from within, through the courageous act of self-reclamation.

Conclusion: A New Blueprint for Life

Deonte’s story is a compelling narrative of transformation. He moved from a life of fleeting, false freedom to one of enduring, authentic liberation. His path was not easy or linear, marked by setbacks and moments of despair, but each challenge became a catalyst for growth. He learned that a criminal lifestyle is not a life at all, but a constant state of spiritual and emotional exhaustion. He discovered that true strength lies not in the ego of the streets, but in the vulnerability of admitting you need help.

His experience offers a new blueprint for those struggling with addiction and a criminal past. It starts with recognizing the need for a lifestyle reform, acknowledging the deep roots of trauma and grief, and understanding that the illusion of control is a dangerous trap. The path to recovery is paved with community, peer support, and the courage to live an authentic, purpose-driven life. Deonte’s message is a powerful one: you are more than your mistakes, and your story has the power to not only change your life but to inspire others to find their own path to freedom.

Posted on

Kelly U’s 5 Insights on Navigating Binge Eating Disorder, Depression, and Codependency

https://youtu.be/NItyDrgCp1w

The journey to mental wellness is rarely a straight path. It is often a complex and winding road filled with unexpected detours and challenges. For many, this journey begins in childhood, rooted in silent struggles and emotional turmoil that manifest in adulthood. The story of Kelly U, a mental health and wellness advocate, is a powerful testament to this reality. Her raw and honest conversation on the Recoverycast podcast sheds light on the origins of her disordered eating, her battles with codependency, and her ultimate triumph in finding sobriety and self-acceptance. By delving into her personal narrative, we can uncover key insights into how early life experiences can shape our mental health and how the right tools and support can lead to profound healing.

1. The Genesis of Disordered Eating: An Origin Story

At the tender age of 10, a seemingly innocuous comment from a boy at school served as a catalyst for what would become years of struggle with disordered eating for Kelly. While the remark “you got like really chubby” was the trigger, it was the underlying family tension and a household where emotions were suppressed that created fertile ground for her to seek control through food. This experience highlights a critical truth about eating disorders: they are not simply about food or body image; they are often a coping mechanism for deeper emotional distress.

“His comment didn’t cause me to develop an eating disorder. That you just sort of would, just needed the perfect thing to light the fire.”

The real fuel was an inability to process and communicate about the “brooding feel” of tension in her home. Children, especially, are highly attuned to their environment and will often internalize the emotional climate of their household, even when the issues are never directly spoken about. Kelly’s desire to numb out and escape into a “fantasy world” through reading was an early sign of her struggle to cope, a behavior that would later escalate into more harmful forms of avoidance.

The story also touches on the complex role of family dynamics in shaping a person’s relationship with their body. Kelly’s mother, a former beauty pageant queen, was highly aware of her appearance and her own struggles with body image. While she never commented on Kelly’s body, her mother’s own anxieties created a template for Kelly to internalize. When the boy’s comment came, it validated an unspoken anxiety that was already present in her environment. This shows that even without direct criticism, parental behaviors and self-perceptions can profoundly influence a child’s body image and self-worth.

2. When Coping Becomes the Problem

Kelly’s journey from restriction to binging illustrates the vicious cycle of disordered eating. After being “forced to just eat,” she swung from anorexia to binge eating, finding a new form of escape. She describes the experience of binge eating Captain Crunch cereal at age 12, not as a moment of indulgence, but as a form of dissociation.

“When I was binge eating, I could also fully not be in the room because I’m. Literally shoving food in my face and covered in shame.”

This powerful description reveals that the act of binging was a means to “fully not be in the room,” a way to distract herself from the constant fear, guilt, and emotional turmoil of her life. The shame that followed the binge eating created a constant “freak out” that consumed her mental space, leaving no room to deal with her parents’ fighting or her own inner struggles. This cycle of binging and shame became its own kind of “drug,” a destructive mechanism that allowed her to avoid her real-life problems.

The podcast also touches on the complex relationship between disordered eating and substance use, specifically marijuana. For Kelly, smoking weed provided a “high of permission” to engage in binge eating, escalating a behavior she already struggled with. This highlights how different vices can become intertwined, each one reinforcing the other and creating a more difficult path to recovery. Her story serves as a reminder that when we seek to numb our pain, we often create new problems that compound the original issues.

Explore treatment options for eating disorders and marijuana addiction.

3. The Role of Codependency and Abusive Relationships

As Kelly transitioned into adulthood, her struggles with self-esteem and codependency became evident in her romantic relationships. Her seven-year relationship with a “narcissistically abusive” partner became a new arena for her emotional turmoil. In this dynamic, she sought the love and acceptance she felt was lacking in her life, but instead, she found manipulation and control.

“I was so mentally unwell and I was super codependent. So I played such a part in that relationship keeping, keeping it alive because I was so desperate for him to just love me and accept me.”

This quote is a stark admission of how codependency can lead a person to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Kelly’s desire for love and acceptance from her partner mirrored her earlier attempts to seek a sense of control and stability in her life. The relationship provided a twisted sense of purpose, even if it was a negative one. She was so consumed with trying to “fix” the relationship and gain his affection that she lost herself in the process.

The abusive nature of the relationship, with constant cheating and emotional manipulation, further eroded her self-worth. Her partner’s gaslighting tactics, like saying “you’re not supportive of me by you being upset with me,” are classic signs of narcissistic abuse. This type of emotional manipulation is designed to make the victim feel responsible for the abuser’s actions, trapping them in a cycle of self-blame and emotional distress. It was only when a couples therapist directly confronted her with the diagnosis of codependency and narcissism that she began to see her situation clearly.

See codependency treatment centers.

4. Embracing Therapy and Finding Your Voice

Despite being in a toxic relationship, Kelly’s ex-boyfriend was the one who encouraged her to go to therapy. This seemingly contradictory act was the key that unlocked her healing journey. While she initially sought therapy to “fix” her binge eating, her therapist’s first question—”What’s your relationship with your dad like?”—shifted her focus from symptoms to root causes.

“I’m really grateful that she asked me that because from then on for years, I’d been unraveling a lot of that and healing a lot of that and working with my family on that.”

This moment was a turning point. It forced her to look beyond the surface-level issues and confront the deeper familial trauma that had been silently influencing her life. Therapy became a safe space to unravel her past, set boundaries with her family, and eventually find a more compassionate way to approach her relationships.

A pivotal moment in Kelly’s recovery was when she began to share her story on social media. What started as an accountability tool became a powerful way to connect with others and realize she wasn’t alone. When she posted about her struggles with binge eating, the outpouring of support and shared experiences validated her and encouraged her to be more honest with herself. This act of vulnerability was a radical departure from a life spent hiding and enabled her to reclaim her narrative.

5. The Power of Sharing and the Freedom of Self-Expression

For Kelly, sharing her story publicly became a form of both self-preservation and advocacy. Her YouTube diary series, in which she documented her recovery journey, was a way to hold herself accountable and stay on the path of healing. The online community she built provided a sense of connection that had been missing for most of her life.

“I started to document what I was learning in therapy in a YouTube diary series. . . I wanted to stay accountable to something.”

Her social media presence became a direct threat to the manipulative control her ex had over her. The letter he slid under her door, begging her not to “post a video that our friends and family will see,” was a final, desperate attempt to maintain his facade. Kelly’s decision to keep that letter, and other mementos from the relationship, was not an act of malice but an act of self-preservation—a physical reminder of how far she had come and why she should never go back.

This final act of defiance and self-expression solidified her recovery journey. It was a declaration of her own truth, one that could no longer be silenced or controlled by others. By sharing her story, she not only helped herself but also became a beacon of hope for others who are navigating similar struggles. Kelly’s story shows us that finding our voice, even when it’s hard, is a crucial step toward freedom and lasting recovery.

Posted on

Addiction Recovery: Harry’s 5+ Signs It’s Time to Take the Leap

When you’re struggling with addiction, life can feel chaotic, unmanageable, and hopeless. You might feel stuck in a cycle of substance use, debt, and strained relationships, unable to see a way out. However, as one man’s story shows, breaking free from the cycle is possible. Harry, a former patient at Ocean Bay Recovery, shares his journey from feeling completely broken to building a life he’s proud of. His story offers a powerful message of hope and provides valuable insights into the signs that indicate it’s time to seek professional help.

“My life before I started treatment was obviously pretty chaotic,” Harry says. “I couldn’t really do anything… I was making people in my life unhappy.” This feeling of being unable to function is a common thread for many individuals in active addiction. What begins as a coping mechanism or recreational activity can quickly spiral into a condition that consumes every aspect of your life. It’s not a moral failing or a lack of willpower; it’s a medical condition that requires professional intervention.

While it may seem daunting, understanding the signs and symptoms of a substance use disorder is the first step toward recovery. Harry’s experience highlights several key indicators that it’s time to seek help. By recognizing these signs in yourself or a loved one, you can begin to move toward a healthier, more fulfilling life.

1. You Feel a Sense of Hopelessness or Desperation

One of the most profound signs that it’s time for a change is a feeling of hopelessness. For Harry, this was a constant sense of being stuck in a negative loop. He knew his actions were causing problems, but he felt powerless to stop. “I was just sick, like just tired of the same, the same things always happening,” he recounts. This sentiment of being at the end of your rope is often referred to as the gift of desperation—a turning point where the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change.

This feeling of desperation can manifest in various ways, such as:

  • A loss of control: You feel like you can no longer manage your substance use, and it’s controlling you.
  • Recurring negative consequences: You continue to use despite financial problems, legal issues, or damaged relationships.
  • A deep sense of exhaustion: You’re simply tired of the cycle of using, hiding, and dealing with the fallout.

This is a critical moment. While it feels like the worst place to be, it’s also a powerful motivator. It’s the point where you acknowledge that your current path is unsustainable and that a new way of life is the only option. “I got to a point where I was finally done,” Harry says. “I knew that I can’t do this on my own.”

2. Your Life is Unmanageable

A hallmark of a substance use disorder is the deterioration of your daily life. What was once routine becomes a monumental struggle. For Harry, this meant he could “barely get to work” and could “barely do anything.” His life was no longer his own, consumed by the demands of his addiction. When your life becomes unmanageable, you may experience:

  • Inability to hold a job or meet work obligations: Your performance suffers, you miss deadlines, or you’re frequently absent.
  • Financial instability: Money is spent primarily on drugs or alcohol, leading to debt and an inability to pay for basic necessities.
  • Neglect of personal hygiene or responsibilities: You stop taking care of yourself, your home, or your family.

This unmanageability is often a key indicator that the problem has moved beyond a simple habit. Addiction hijacks the brain’s reward system, making the substance the central focus of your life. All other priorities—work, family, health—fall by the wayside. Seeking help allows you to regain control and learn the skills needed to manage your life effectively.

3. Your Behavior Harms Yourself and Others

Addiction doesn’t just affect the individual; it creates a ripple effect of destruction that touches everyone around them. Harry spoke of his past self as someone who “kept moving forward with no care for any destruction I was causing behind me.” He recognized that his actions hurt not only himself but also his loved ones. This harm can be:

  • Emotional: Lying, manipulation, and broken promises erode trust and damage relationships.
  • Physical: Substance use can lead to reckless behavior, accidents, and health problems.
  • Financial: Stealing or borrowing money from family and friends to fund the addiction.

When your actions consistently cause pain and damage, it’s a clear sign that you need help. Acknowledging this harm is a crucial step in the recovery process. It’s an act of courage to face the pain you’ve caused and take responsibility for it. Treatment provides a safe space to address these behaviors and learn how to make amends.

4. You’ve Tried to Quit on Your Own and Failed

The struggle with addiction is often marked by repeated attempts to quit that end in relapse. This was something Harry experienced firsthand. He had been to treatment before and knew the difficulty of the journey. He says, “I knew that I couldn’t do on my own.” This realization is a powerful one. Many people believe they can beat addiction through sheer willpower, but this is a common misconception. As the American Addiction Centers note, addiction is a chronic disease that requires comprehensive, long-term treatment.

Trying to quit on your own without professional help can be incredibly dangerous, especially with substances that cause severe withdrawal symptoms. For example, suddenly stopping alcohol or benzodiazepine use can lead to life-threatening complications. Professional medical detox and treatment provide a safe, monitored environment where you can manage withdrawal symptoms and begin the recovery process. If you’ve repeatedly tried to stop using and failed, it’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that you need professional support.

5. The Fear of Change is Holding You Back

Change is scary, even when you know it’s for the best. Harry admitted that part of him didn’t want to go back to treatment because “there was a lot of fear.” He was content with his chaotic life because it was familiar, even if it wasn’t good. This fear of the unknown is a major barrier to seeking help. You might worry about:

  • Losing your sense of identity
  • The pain of withdrawal
  • What life will be like without the substance
  • Failing again

Harry’s advice to anyone on the fence is simple: “Just do it.” He emphasizes that the fear you feel is a sign that change is necessary. He now recognizes that the fear was far worse than the reality of treatment. “It was an amazing environment, amazing people and so much support, and patient as well,” he said of his experience at Ocean Bay Recovery. This kind of supportive environment can help you face your fears and build a new, sober life.

The Path Forward: From Broken to Rebuilt

Harry’s story is a testament to the transformative power of recovery. He went from a chaotic, unmanageable life to one of stability, purpose, and gratitude. “My life now compared to before I started treatment is… black and white. It’s two completely different things,” he says. He now has a job where he feels valued, manages his finances, and practices gratitude daily.

The key to his success, he explains, wasn’t just talking about change but taking action. “People can tell you all the things you want to hear, but unless you implement things, nothing will change,” he shares. In treatment, he learned concrete, actionable steps like practicing gratitude, being mindful, and living the principles of recovery. These lessons helped him become an “asset to pretty much all aspects” of his life, a profound shift from the liability he once felt he was.

If you recognize these signs in your own life or the life of a loved one, remember that you’re not alone. The first step, however difficult, is reaching out for help. Harry’s advice is simple yet powerful: “If you’re considering it, there’s not much else to lose.”